Tag Archives: E!

damn disconnect

TV LIESSo a few months ago, I kicked cable out of my life in the optimistic quest to provide all my entertainment needs through my computer and Roku.  At first, I felt liberated.  Fuck you Comcast.  You suck so much.  Then I started to feel disconnected.  Yes, you can watch a lot of crap on Hulu, but none of it is FRESH, FRESH, FRESH.  It is at least day-old bread, Hulu’s original programming notwithstanding (add heaping ladle of sarcasm gravy to that biscuit).  It was definitely disorienting to not be able to just flip the remote and experience live TV.  It made me anxious to think that in the face of an emergency I couldn’t find comfort in my local news (which I never watch).  And I really hated not being able to DVR and fast forward through ads.  Furthermore, tracking down my favorite shows became a part-time job and often the quality was less than stellar on those YouTube streams.  Cutting the cable also meant my computer was needed for streaming which means this site suffered because I can’t stream and post at the same time, ya’ll.  I apparently need to be bombarded with stimuli from my television and computer to find true happiness.  Last week, I walked back into the devil’s house to see what kind of contract he could offer me on my soul.  Of course those bastards have some crazy deal where they force you buy a phone line you don’t want, with a modem you don’t need, for one price for one year, and escalating price the second, complete with early termination fees, and a claim to my first born.  Trying to outfox the Comcast crooks, I asked for à la carte pricing, which amounted to about $80 more a month than their satanic triple play contract.  So I guess it’s back to 2 years of indentured cable servitude.COMCASTI’m deeply ambivalent.  When I returned home with my shiny new DVR and immediately accessed Bravo, E!, and HBO with ease, it was the technological equivalent of a warm hug.  Then I caught a glance at the redundant modem they forced on me, and I felt a wave of disgust for the vile and predatory corporation I’m supporting.  It’s like a bad marriage: can’t live with it, can’t live without it.COMCAST BE MINE

Holiday Gorge

IAMBRITNEYJEANGorged on E!’s I am Britney Jean which proved that behind every vacant, lithiumed, bleach-blond, lip syncher is a fleet of overworked, under-appreciated gay men.  Who among her team of handlers approved this popstar propaganda? Britney’s quite clearly not in the building, ya’ll.  Her retrospective should be called Incoherent. TORI AND DEAN CHEATINGWe didn’t know when, but we knew it would inevitably come: the Dean McDermott cheating allegations.  What an unexpected yuletide gossip gift.  Don’t side-eye me.  Two cheaters get together and I’m supposed to feign surprise when one of them cheats?  Bitch please.  I’ll bathe in this told-you-so through the New Year. DOWNTON ABBEY XMAS 2013As for the Downton Abbey Christmas Special, I’m not sure I’m clear on the details of the monarchy-ruining scandal, but the clothes were EVERYTHING. DOWNTON ABBEY XMAS SPECIAL 2013

 

Kanye Killed the Kardashians

KIM KANYE NORTHThe Kardashians are over.  You may feel like those over-saturated fame whores have already overstayed their welcome.  I agree.  This overness is different than justifiable Kardashian fatigue.  Sunday’s episode triggered the Kardashian kollapse and you can thank Kanye for the downfall. KOURTNEY AND KRISKanye’s unwillingness to allow North to be filmed for the show changes everything.  We know Kim from the inside out.  Literally.  She can’t give it all away and then decide to snatch it back and expect her voyeuristic fanbase to remain loyal.  We want to see Kim as a mother: changing the diapers, getting barfed on, all that delicious misery.  How can they expect to successfully film around Kim being a mom?  Withholding goes against the very Kardashian kore.  You simply can’t film a birthing episode without a baby.  They prep the nursery.  We see the ultrasound.  We admire Kim glammed at the hospital.  The baby is the big finish – the money shot.  Kim should know a little something about that. KIM AND KANYE KUWTKNothing can last forever.  The hypnotic Kardashian trance of hair and ass had to eventually lift like a cloud of mustard gas.  Unless Kylie and Jaden film a sex tape, I wonder how the family will fill the next several contractually obligated seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.  Either Kanye sacrifices his first born to the insatiable child-eating E! Gods or we can blissfully kiss the Kardashians goodbye. NORTH WEST

Hasbeen Housewives

SO MANY HOUSEWIVESWe all know that the Housewives are so over and aren’t worth even minimal fleeting discussion.  Yet, I do think we need to pause to highlight a couple of what-the-fuck moments that transpired during the most recent season of Orange County.GRETCHEN AND SLADE PROPOSALDid Gretchen really propose to Slade?!  Fuck that was embarrassing.  In case you missed it, Gretchen dressed up like the brokedown Fredrick’s of Hollywood version of Marilyn Monroe.  She recorded a tone-deaf love song and surprised Slade with it at his new job playing on-air bully at the radio station.  As she moaned through the off-key ballad, Slade listened intently and realized somewhere half-way through that this warbling mess was his lady-love.  Gretchen lured him to the top of the tallest building in Orange County (10 stories tops) where a helicopter delivered him in a windy swirl of douchedom.  Maybe these two are meant for each other, because his douchery can only be matched by her saccharin fake-barbie doll pageant princess bullshit.  This is a 35 year old woman who clearly has no shame.  Even though Slade has been in more Housewives than breast implants, is ten years her senior, loaded with a mountain of debt, and is widely ridiculed as acting like a little bitch among a whole cast of professional bitches, Gretchen launched into her prepared soliloquy.  The awkward display felt all wrong.  You know it’s bad when Slade takes a knee to accept the proposal.  Shit was all fucked up in this ass-backwards drag engagement.  I personally would never propose to a man.  If he wants to marry you, he’ll ask.  If a woman must ask, I urge her not to recapitulate some well-worn scenario where only the gender roles are switched à la Gretchen and Slade.  There is something so undignified about begging a man to be with you.  Let’s not even get into the stupidity of marrying a man saddled with Slade-caliber life-long debt.  Now that the marriage is on, we can only pray that these two don’t reproduce the vainest, shallowest, most vapid offspring Orange County has ever seen.FUCKED UP PROPOSAL

RYAN ASSHOLEBriana’s husband Ryan demonstrated he is an aggro marine asshole who needs his ass whupped, preferably by affable Uncle BillyRyan is the young version of the closeted abusive military monster dad from American Beauty.  In my experience, people wound that tightly usually end up perpetrating violence.  Did you hear the way he spoke to Lydia’s fairy-dusting stoner Mom?  Then, did you hear how he straight-up lied about it?  Hey moron, you are wearing a mic pack.  Unfortunately in her misguided attempt to rebel against her mother’s tyrannical control, it appears Briana married a dumb asshole with integrity issues.  May he remain indefinitely deployed.  AGRO RYANFinal thought of the day: Andy Cohen is to Bravo what Ryan Seacrest is to E!SAME PERSON DIFFERENT NETWORK

Giuliana & Bill Back Tonight with Sadtimes

Tonight Giuliana and Bill try to squeeze lemons into lemonade with the reality show reveal of G‘s cancer diagnosis.  I’m sincerely thrilled G appears to have beat her illness and come through the other side to thrive.  She seems to have handled the news with tremendous grace and fortitude.  Sheesh, she barely took a day off filming.  I’ve taken more time off waiting for a zit to heal. I do wonder how many folksy Midwestern platitudes and sports-themed analogies we will have to endure from Bill this season.  His Coach Rancic pep talks and relentless optimism don’t always land authentically.  Can you coach someone through a cancer diagnosis?  We’re about to find out.

Four for Friday

Notice how ever since The Soup moved to Wednesday it’s lost some of its zhush?  How can you do a thorough weekly round-up on a show that airs midweek?  Explain this suicidal programming decision por favor.  Jersey Shore sputtered out like a two-pump chump.  I’m guessing that’s what the lesbians affectionately call Vinny after the world’s least erotic three-way. Notice Bethenny’s show is building up to the infamous Amador boat trip even though everyone already widely believes the entire event to be staged for the cameras?  PR strategy or arrogant stupidity?Spent the last two days learning some interesting, scientific, and at times witchy stuff about the human body.  As if I needed another reason to sleep a full 8-10 hours, apparently the only way to truly rest and repair the adrenal glands is by consistently getting a full 8 hours of sleep.  The body repairs the adrenals during a specific period later in the sleep cycle.  If sleep is interrupted, the body resets to hour one and misses the opportunity to repair.  Can you poop without a stimulant (caffeine, nicotine, etc.) in the morning?  If not, this could be a sign of adrenal insufficiency.  Stressed, pissy and fatigued?  Consider the possibility that your chronic sleep deprivation depletes important hormones.

 

Kreepy Kardashian Kutouts

Kreepy Kendall KutoutKreepy Kim KutoutKreepy Kourtney Kutout

Leaky Ass & Self-Head

Last night E! closed out the holiday weekend with the premiere of Kim and Kourtney Take New York.  Many tuned in to see the demise of Kris and Kim’s short-lived marriage predictably unfold.  As expected, Kris behaved childishly, and narcissistic Kim remains completely self-involved.  None of this matters though because the only thing worth discussing was the anal leakage Kourtney left behind on the duvet after her Basti (Ayurvedic herbal oil enema).   Just to be clear, oil leaked out of Kourtney’s ass through her pants and onto Kris and Kim’s bed.  Ass oil spill ya’ll.   How do you compete with anal leakage?  Bravo aired a new episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.  First, we’re in agreement that Peter’s a bitch, right?  He was a bitch last week to Apollo and he was a bitch this week to Cynthia’s sister MalSheree was right, Peter’s serving bitchassnesss.  Again, none of this matters because the only thing worth discussing was Phaedra’s 35th birthday gift to Kandi in the form of Ridiculous, the stripper who performs self-head.  Like dude can straight suck his own dick.  After the performance, some guests (including Kandi’s Ma) acted deeply appalled at the auto-fellatio, but during the show not a single one of those riveted bitches turned away.

Sunday with Joel McHale