Tonight Giuliana and Bill try to squeeze lemons into lemonade with the reality show reveal of G‘s cancer diagnosis. 
I’m sincerely thrilled G appears to have beat her illness and come through the other side to thrive. She seems to have handled the news with tremendous grace and fortitude. Sheesh, she barely took a day off filming. I’ve taken more time off waiting for a zit to heal. 
I do wonder how many folksy Midwestern platitudes and sports-themed analogies we will have to endure from Bill this season. His Coach Rancic pep talks and relentless optimism don’t always land authentically. Can you coach someone through a cancer diagnosis? We’re about to find out. 
Notice how ever since The Soup moved to Wednesday it’s lost some of its zhush? How can you do a thorough weekly round-up on a show that airs midweek? Explain this suicidal programming decision por favor. 
Jersey Shore sputtered out like a two-pump chump. I’m guessing that’s what the lesbians affectionately call Vinny after the world’s least erotic three-way. 
Notice Bethenny’s show is building up to the infamous Amador boat trip even though everyone already widely believes the entire event to be staged for the cameras? PR strategy or arrogant stupidity?
Spent the last two days learning some interesting, scientific, and at times witchy stuff about the human body. As if I needed another reason to sleep a full 8-10 hours, apparently the only way to truly rest and repair the adrenal glands is by consistently getting a full 8 hours of sleep. The body repairs the adrenals during a specific period later in the sleep cycle. If sleep is interrupted, the body resets to hour one and misses the opportunity to repair. Can you poop without a stimulant (caffeine, nicotine, etc.) in the morning? If not, this could be a sign of adrenal insufficiency. Stressed, pissy and fatigued? Consider the possibility that your chronic sleep deprivation depletes important hormones. 
Kreepy Kendall Kutout
Kreepy Kim Kutout
Kreepy Kourtney Kutout
Last night E! closed out the holiday weekend with the premiere of Kim and Kourtney Take New York. Many tuned in to see the demise of Kris and Kim’s short-lived marriage predictably unfold. As expected, Kris behaved childishly, and narcissistic Kim remains completely self-involved. None of this matters though because the only thing worth discussing was the anal leakage Kourtney left behind on the duvet after her Basti (Ayurvedic herbal oil enema). Just to be clear, oil leaked out of Kourtney’s ass through her pants and onto Kris and Kim’s bed. Ass oil spill ya’ll. 
How do you compete with anal leakage? Bravo aired a new episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. First, we’re in agreement that Peter’s a bitch, right? He was a bitch last week to Apollo and he was a bitch this week to Cynthia’s sister Mal. Sheree was right, Peter’s serving bitchassnesss. Again, none of this matters because the only thing worth discussing was Phaedra’s 35th birthday gift to Kandi in the form of Ridiculous, the stripper who performs self-head. Like dude can straight suck his own dick. After the performance, some guests (including Kandi’s Ma) acted deeply appalled at the auto-fellatio, but during the show not a single one of those riveted bitches turned away.
So what do we make of the Bethenny Frankel money mystery? Her desperate visit on The Today Show did little to clarify doubts surrounding the sale of Skinnygirl Cocktails. She implied the 100+ million dollar figure was accurate. Doubters at Huffpo ran a retraction. Her defensive and side-stepping response has everybody wondering about the truth. Fishy.
Today also broke the Giuliana Rancic cancer diagnosis story this week. I have a soft spot for Giuliana and frown over her sad turn of luck. Word is the cancer was present in both breasts, and she had a double lumpectomy within the last couple days. The medical community rushed to defend IVF and insist that the treatments did not necessarily increase the risk of cancer. Some cancers are hormone-fed, correct? IVF involves super doses of hormones, correct? Doctors are making a shitload of money off fertility treatments, including IVF, correct? Correct. 
In more uplifting news, I’m living for Beavis and Butt-head right now and anxiously await the premiere next Thursday. This is one remake that won’t suck. No one will miss Jersey Snore. This season was extra weak marinara sauce. Seriously though, the question we’ve all been skirting: is it possible Pauly D is gay? Carefully consider it. 
Over the last two seasons we’ve watched Bill and Giuliana’s fertility struggles, and something ain’t sittin’ right. After a recent miscarriage, Giuliana continues to jack her body full of hormones using needles long and short. Ominously grinning, Bill stabs her in the belly and then attempts to sooth her with his rah-rah football field clichés. Does anyone think Bill would endure the same risks and abuse to his body if the tables were turned? Hell Nah.
Giuliana, afraid of disappointing Bill, undergoes procedure after invasive fertility procedure even though her body clearly ain’t having it. She reacted so badly to the last retrieval that she ended up in the hospital with serious complications. A human child is supposed to spring forth from this madness?
Bill distracts himself with his construction projects and speaking engagements, while Giuliana jetsets between L.A. and Chicago in the service of E! News, all with a reality show camera crew following to capture every medical appointment. Apparently, natural conception is a ludicrous notion. The two never entertain it as a viable option, probably because intercourse would conflict with their self-important work schedules.
Instead of taking two in the gut, Giuliana may wanna consider inserting Bill’s optimistic sports metaphors up his smug, all-American ass. Review his behavior this season for numerous examples of a very sinister streak lurking beneath his Ralph Lauren veneer.
No one begrudges these two a baby. If 2011 brings them a bundle of joy, I’ll be the first to offer Mazels; however, it’s possible Giuliana’s uterus is sending her a clear message not to procreate with this dick.
E! recently made a genius programming decision by upgrading Fashion Police to a weekly series. Joan Rivers has never been sharper as the Grand Dame presiding over a panel which includes Kelly Osbourne, Giuliana Rancic, and George Kotsiopoulos.
Speaking of Giuliana, we don’t do baby here at Demeter Clarc, but didja all happen to catch Giuliana and Bill on Friday’s View pimping their new book on their miscarriage press tour? We all sympathize with the couple for sure, but my inner cynic recoils at the notion of leveraging this kind of loss to bolster book sales and promote the upcoming season of a reality show.
While Giuliana has a comforting chipmunky quality, sort of a Katie Couric for Carrie Bradshaw disciples, a ravenous, fame-seeking beast pulses beneath her perky veneer. Even though the couple’s intentions to share their struggles may come from a pure place, the decision to craft their image around reproductive challenges is a risky strategy indeed. What if they have five miscarriages before they conceive? What if they never conceive? Is the public now privy to every detail since they have offered up the most private part of themselves in exchange for fame?
Speaking of late-thirties baby news, OK! reports Rachel Zoe has finally dulled the ache in Rodger’s pussy by incubating their very own Scarlet Begonia this awards season. Mazel Rach and Rodg!
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