At the end of last year, a federal employee with the social security administration was formally reprimanded in a five page letter for excessive workplace flatulence.
Only a third of us produce methane-tinged toots. Some research suggests it could be indicative of an imbalance. Others believe it’s a genetic quirk. I suspect methane production proves one’s darksidedness. 
The bloodstream picks up gas created in the intestines and carries it to the lungs where it is released in your hot breath.
The more sulfurish your diet, the stankier your butt breeze. Meat and eggs, we are looking at you.
The change in atmospheric pressure experienced when flying causes intestinal bloating and a scientifically-proven need to rip ass – co-passengers be damned. 
I confess I hate Las Vegas. It is not the town for the pragmatic or the vegetarian, so there are two strikes against me right there. However, after recently seeking out Veggie House, I now have a reason to look forward to refueling in the (cultural) desert.
In the ancient tradition of vegetarian Chinese cooking, Veggie House serves some of the best mock meat for miles. Veggie House offers an extensive menu of cruelty-free seafood, beef, and chicken. Enjoy the crispy “beef” and save the sweetfaced cow. 
I’m not the biggest fan of bottled hot sauces because the heat tends to get overpowered by the vinegar. Not with El Yucateco Salsa Picante de Chile Habanero, this electric green goodness delights with rich, intense, balanced flavor. With a 9,000 Scoville sting, El Yucateco green ain’t for bland bitches, but if you like your food to punish you a little like I do, then track this alarmingly florescent condiment down in the “ethnic” (mild grocery store racism?) foods aisle. El Yucateco comes in a few different flavors of varying intensity, but I can only personally vouch for the fiery wonder of the atomic green. 
Cumin imbues deeply warm flavor to beans and soup. 
Paprika spikes dishes with antioxidants and color. Try it on homemade mac-n-cheese to create a mysterious smokiness.
So this isn’t going to help with your pre-Hawaii crash diet or anything, but these Chocolove bars are fucking everything okay. Per everyone’s advice, we are supposed to eat the dark chocolate. Add in a little dried fruit to cut the bitterness and I’m with you.
Honestly though, in my most Chocoloving moments I can take an entire milk chocolate bar down all by myself. Judge me. Go ahead. 
So you’ve heard it before, but it bears repeating, traveling on the Hawaiian Islands is fucking astronomically expensive. Know what else is surprising? The food is consistently mediocre and totally overpriced (You were so RIGHT Annabella!), even for vegetarians.
After navigating three different islands over the last 9 days, I’ve picked up a few strategies for cutting culinary costs. In preparing for this trip, I came across a lot of advice. Most of it was useless. My aim here is to offer up some helpful non-obvious information.
For instance, one of the most common recommendations I read on the internet before coming to Hawaii is to hit up the COSTCO. If you are rolling a week deep with a family of four, perhaps that is a smart move for you. However, think about whether or not you can really get through COSTCO-size servings before you return home. The tendency is to overbuy and end up wasting. Not a good look. Buy only the essentials in quantities you can use during your trip. You aren’t really saving money if you throw half of it away.
Remember as a general rule, in Hawaii nothing comes with anything. Order a veggie burger for $8; don’t expect fries. Realistically expect to pay another $5 for fries. First, decided if you MUST have fries. If the answer is yes, then decide if you need a whole order to yourself. If not, share. Sharing is caring.
They also really love “wraps” here, so expect a lot of burrito-shaped foods. Grab a wrap and then buy extras like chips and a drink at a convenience store to avoid the deli-style markup.
Make this a vegetarian vacation. You’ll pay more for vegetarian food here than on the mainland – which by the way makes no fucking sense since many of the veggies are grown locally – but vegetarian dishes are still less expensive than anything else on the menu. (Why not try some taro?) Plus, sticking with veggies will keep you looking good in your swimwear and ward off pesky travel constipation. Don’t act like you don’t get backed up bitch.
Generally speaking, the exploitative resorts have pretty crappy food served in the least interesting environment. What you are essentially paying for here is a premium on convenience. If the timing or circumstances of your travel require a meal on the property, skirt the ridiculous up-charge on room service by walking your lazy ass down and picking up carry-out from the bar. Skip the “fanciest” restaurant on the property and just stick to the bar and cafe – almost always the food is all coming out of the same kitchen anyway.
Let me caution you on the hyperbole-laced shaved ice. I was standing in the grocery store in Waimea looking at postcards when I heard the check-out girl exclaim “Oh No!” A customer passed the fuck out in the check out line. I pulled her up on my lap, got her some water, called her friends, and waited with her until the paramedics arrived. What took her down? Shaved Ice. Poor girl had too much sugar, too much heat, and not enough quality nutrition. After that bad churro took me down at Coachella, I learned my lesson about the overly sweet snacking, especially in the heat. While that $5 shaved ice looks tempting, skip it for a low-glycemic, substantive option.
By the way, don’t ever be the dork at the luau. So Fucking Lame. I’m sorry, but I don’t think we can be friends if you attend a rude pig-sacrificing luau.
Apologies to all you Hostess lovers, but honestly I’m not too sad that the baking behemoth has finally collapsed under its own weight. Setting aside the tragedy of lost jobs in an already shitty employment environment, Hostess is a company woefully out of touch. 
I suspect Hostess is conveniently using the labor strike to save face from an already bleak financial unraveling. (The bankruptcies aren’t exactly a secret.) Who can sympathize when their position is a result of blind insistence in producing antiquated bake goods with a whittling demand? Hostess makes Twinkies, CupCakes, Ding Dongs, Ho Ho’s, Sno Balls and Donettes, among other partially hydrogenated, high-fructose corn syrup, and animal fat-laden, shelf-stable bready delights. While some of us were brought up with Sno Balls in the lunchbox, I seriously doubt the Hostess generation is passing that unhealthy love of snack caking on to their own kids.
Knowing what we know about nutrition (virtually nothing, but more than we used to?), show me a person who should be eating that artery-clogging cream-filled crap.
Recently, I received this fantastic Edradour Single Highland Malt Whisky Fudge. It is a skosh sweet for my personal taste, but I still think the tin of individually wrapped candies make a nice gender-neutral alternative to the over abundance of cutesy confectionery options. “Fudge” is misleading; I would describe them as delicious caramels infused with whisky from Scotland’s smallest distillery established way back in 1825. Whatever you call ‘em, they’re yum. 
Want to make a late correction to today’s post. I believe I may have misidentified the shop where I bought my dress as Flutter Clutter when it is in fact called Eden. Eden has a website at edenportland.com. I’m going to leave information on the sister shops in this post because both are worthy of attention, but to be clear, Eden is the extra cute store where I bought my reasonably-priced reworked vintage. I wholeheartedly apologize for any confusion. There is just so much sweetness in Portland, it is hard to keep it all straight. 
Stumbled upon a darling shop in rosy Portland today called Eden. I was drawn in by a rack of adorable dresses outside the store and made my way in to discover a number of unique treasures. 
Eden stocks all sorts of fun, like quirky found items, granny’s thrift store dresses reworked into modern shapes, souped-up vintage furs and lingerie, delicious perfumes, books, cards, cute tid-bits, and whimsical what-nots. 
Often when I stumble across a store of this nature, it is full of sweetness, but the prices are astronomically bitter. Not at Eden; their special finds are priced to move. How does $52 for a one-of-a-kind frock sound? Sounds totally reasonable to me, so I picked one up. 
Check out both websites flutterclutter.com and edenportland.com; the online inventory is more limited than the in-person browsing experience, but you can get a taste of their eclectic offerings. Enjoy free shipping on orders exceeding $100. This shop is well worth a look and full of intriguing gift ideas.
Portlanders keep a number of vegetarian restaurants and food trucks thriving, and Prasad is a standout among them. Prasad shares space with a yoga studio – Yoga Pearl. Didn’t get a chance to take a class, but yoga + a delicious vegan lunch sounds like a fantastic afternoon to me – a great concept for a shared space that is well-executed. Leave it to Portland to get it right. 