Tag Archives: ecstasy

Hoachella

Know what is incredibly boring and lame?  Nearly every bitch here is wearing the same fucking outfit.  Dubbed “boho slut” by my witty companion, all these lemmings look exactly the same.  Their uniform of rebellious conformity consists of the following: uterus and asshole revealing short-shorts, fringe bags, and crochet tops.  Not only does it look like an Urban Outfitters catalog exploded all over the polo field, it’s also the same tragic shit these girls wore last year.  Please enjoy these examples of fashion fuckery I covertly captured.

Check out feather butt.

Can’t forget the bathing beauties.

There were few notable exceptions.  Bowl-cut chick is serving me something different here.  I like where cute mint green dress girl is going with her look.

A few guys tried to come with some flavor, but more often than not it read as try-hard stunt queen dressing.  See gold pants man, colorful leggings boy, and fur hat kid for clear examples of this attention-seeking.  My favorite look of the day from a man hands down:  I am a Bear.  Bright Yellow Bear.  Yes Please.

It is a musical festival, so I would be remiss in not throwing a note or two in about the actual performances.  Top of the day – Yeah, Yeah, YeahsMiss Karen O blew us away.  Most annoying = Purity Ring because the whole crowd was rolling their faces off.  Hipster fuck music, gross yo.  As an aside, we all know ecstasy and molly are super fun, but why you would waste/risk that experience on Coachella, where you will most likely end up fucking a stranger in a smelly port-a-potty, I don’t understand.  The desert is really dehydrating enough without the E, but that’s just my personal position on the matter.  Either way though, please stop rubbing your left tit on my back because rolling or not, it feels really creepy.

LOVE Thyself

Five totally legitimate reasons to wank off.

Men who ejaculated more than five times a week through masturbating were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer according to one study.  Doctors chalk this up to the benefits of “clearing the pipes” by releasing toxin concentrations which accumulate over time.  Masturbation helps prevent cervical infections and relieve urinary tract infections.  Going into more detail requires a graphic explanation of cervical tenting, so just trust this advice and keep it moving.Studies show masturbation promotes cardiovascular health and lowers the risk of type-2 diabetes.  Rub one out for your heart, man.Self-diddling naturally combats insomnia through hormonal and tension release.  Recently, in the middle of the night, a friend’s roommate walked in while he was in bed with his girlfriend, sat on a chair (strewn with aforementioned girlfriend’s clothing), and took a nice long piss.  The next morning, the roommate claimed a case of Ambienesia, saying she remembered nothing.  Why risk a pharmaceutically-induced unintended public pissing situation?  Put the pharmies down and use that hand for something more useful, like whacking off.  Combine Ambien and wanking at your own risk.Turn that frown upside-down; petting the kitty releases euphoria-inducing oxytocin.  Like ecstasy, but without the pesky brain holes.

PARTY NYE

Venturing out for a gathering tonight?  Remember these simple tips to keep your dignity intact this New Year’s Eve.Have a strategy for getting home or arrange a place to crash before you go out.  The last thing you want to be doing at 2:18 a.m. New Year’s Day is trying to find a cab or foolishly trusting a drunk-ass friend to drive you.  Lazy, opportunistic cops love New Year’s Eve.  The last place you want to spend the night is the drunk tank in county lockup, Trust.  Plan ahead bitches.  For the record, hoping for a one night hook-up does not constitute a legit plan.Please resist the temptation to dress like a disco ball and call it “festive.”  Tonight, expect to see a hot mess of metallic wherever you go.  Buck the obvious choice, and you’ll stand out against a sea of tired frocks.  If you already have a sparkler lined up, it better be the best shit ever.  Seriously, ill-fitting metallic looks so budget.  Regardless, wear a damn coat.  Shivering is not chic.If someone hands you a bong or a joint, puff-puff-pass.  No sleeping in the grass.  If you stumble into a room where people are doing blow, don’t inquire loudly, “Is that coke!?”  Clean up after yourself.  Don’t pee on the seat.  Share your drugs.  Take one before you take two.  If you are rolling, maintain your composure.  Nobody wants your emotional ebarf all over them.  Stay away from pharmaceuticals.  Drink water.  Eat dinner.  Sometimes puking is the best solution.  Keep a level-headed bitch in your crew.

Never be the first to arrive or the last to leave.  Don’t flirt with someone else’s date.  Absolutely no catfighting, crying, or public relationship drama allowed.  Bring cash.  Nudity will surely end up on the internet.  Keep your clothes on.Most of all loves, thanks for your visit.  Wishing you the most phenomenal and blessed year of your life.  Smooches, DC