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Look, I know we’ve all suffered severe Kardashian fatigue, but I can’t deny watching the first and second parts of the Kim Kardashian wedding miniseries (like the rest of you bitches). I think we can all agree the major takeaway is that Humphries is an insufferable asshole. Please enjoy five reasons why Kris Humphries will be the second, but not last husband of the poorman’s Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Kardashian.1) The Dogs. The moment K+K began bickering over the dogs, it was obvious they were incompatible. A neat freak will never be comfortable with animals crawling amid the duvet and contaminating the bed. Furthermore, arriving with dogs without asking first was a totally self-important dick move on Humphries‘ part. 2) He’s late. Setting aside the absurdity of a modern couple registering at Geary’s, when a groom is scheduled to appear on wedding related-business, he best show up on time. Kommandant Kris Jenner calls all the shots in this family; a bad impression with her and end up with a million dollar cap on the pre-nup. 3) He talks too much. This oversized oaf fucking talks too much, no? He’s yapping at Khloe, poking the bear. He talks shit behind Kim’s back. He constantly blurts dumbass comments and causes offense. He’s confused if he thinks he’s the star of the show, honey. Know your place Hump; you get paid to toss balls, not provide narrative. At the time of filming he didn’t even have a ball-tossing job; does he now? 4) He’s controlling. Raise the red flag when the groom cares so much about the color scheme he’s Skyping the wedding planner. A recent run-in with an über controlling groom was very unattractive. Not to sound old timey, but go smoke a cigar and let the womenfolk fuss over arrangements. 5) He’s arrogant. Humphries emits the stank of undeserved superiority. Nobody knew who his ass was before Kim, and no one cares now. He needs to stop acting irreplaceable. And why did he race outta the room when Khloe pressed him on his STD history?We totally hate him, right? If for no other reason than because he makes me sympathize with these vapid Kardashian Kuntz. How long are second marriages running these days? 9 months? I got $5 on 9 months in our theoretical office pool.
Pisces Elizabeth Taylor – 27 February 1932
Hey there little birthday fishies. Half the time you go with the flow; the other half you struggle against the current trying to make your way upstream. Expect an extra dose of clumsy thanks to planetary fuckery. Leave yourself enough time and pay attention. Crutches really strip the swagger and ruin an outfit. Especially enticing around the 18-19th, don’t waste your amped allure, Pisces. Trade on the currency and let your admirers pay for the fun this month. Wasting money ain’t an option this March.
Aries Joan Crawford – 23 March 1905
After a run of good luck Aries, sorry to say you are super fucked this month. Blame Mercury in retrograde. Mistakes, confusion, computer crash, accidents – you can’t stop the chaos, but try to remain supple in response. Not all bad news this March, opportunities with long-reaching future benefits (or consequences) surface. Best to focus efforts on friendships for the next few weeks. Set up a few dates now, because later this month work will be miserable and tense.
TaurusKatharine Hepburn – 12 May 1907
Taurus glows this month, shining socially and professionally. New connections and inspiring people enter the mix. Cultivate old and new friendships; the soil is rich with all the right makings for meaningful affiliations. Love and romance too blooms and thrives now. The moon and planets align for Taurus this month, so take advantage and wake from the winter hibernation.
GeminiNatalie Portman – 9 June 1981
All the energy swirls around career this month for you Gemini. A certain work project leads you down an interesting and unexpected path. Intelligence has never been the problem; it is a lack of patience that delays your personal and professional advancement. Invest in your career by attending trips, continuing education, or networking seminars. Spend dough only on endeavors that pay career dividends this month – i.e. social events with a career-enhancing angle.
CancerMeryl Streep – 22 June 1949
Work has finally hit the shitter. Save your ass by keeping a paper trail. All the stress has got you fleeing for warmer waters. Try checking out a new place for a quick getaway. Communication flows and Crabs get their message across clearly now. Don’t worry about money so much; a flux of income – maybe not yours, but at least in family – is headed your way. Therefore, set your financial anxiety aside and think about this new career phase.
LeoAngela Bassett – 16 August 1958
Stick close to home Leos; delays, cancellations and lost luggage are on the cards for you this month. Brace for mechanical problems with vehicles and appliances. Set aside a safety net for repairs. Planetary alignment creates an atmosphere ripe for learning over the next eight years. Consider investing in new education or specialized training. Leos are accustomed to attention, but this month folks will be especially receptive to your ideas.
VirgoIngrid Bergman – 29 August 1915
Like some of your astrological cousins, March brings chaos for you too Virgo, but this time in the form of financial mistakes. Avoid any messiness: review statements carefully and pay bills timely. After a rough patch personally, circumstances change and significant improvements are to your credit in the relationship realm. Now is an excellent time to revamp your tired-ass look. Finally things ease at work and cash-flow increases, perhaps in the form of a recognition, raise, bonus or gift. Verify the veracity of gossip before passing it on.
Libra Susan Sarandon – 4 October 1946
Invest in some new bedding and loungewear. March aspires to sleeping-in, relaxation, and brunch. Take it easy, and this should be a great month for you. Throughout the coming year, friendships will face a series of challenges. Some amis prove their worth and others fall by the wayside. Over the next two months in particular, focus attention on a relationship decision, but apply caution before acting. Professionally, expect long-awaited news.
Scorpio Whoopi Goldberg – 13 November 1955
After a relatively peaceful stretch, conflict pops up again this month. Trying to tell a Scorpio to avoid discord is like telling a fish to avoid water, but restrain from taking sides. Domestic bliss comprised of lazy evenings and easy weekends dapple March. Freshen the nest, clean, rearrange, and redecorate. Friendships and romantic associations fill out the month; anticipate a few interesting new acquaintances. Professionally, quick decisions precipitate rapid change.
SagittariusMo’Nique – 11 December 1967
March is all about competing values. Friendships, romance, money, career, and self all struggle for attention this month. Consciously choose where to spend your time and effort. As you may have noticed, the scattershot approach isn’t very effective. One suggestion: turn on that Sag charm and play Betty Crocker. Even though your words are all wit and woo, clarify thoughts before speaking, avoid assumptions, and give others the benefit of the doubt.
Capricorn Luise Rainer – 12 January 1910
March finds Caps balancing a number of serious responsibilities. Since juggling isn’t really your thing, the stress of it causes you to lash out. We always hurt the ones we love and shit, right? Always good with the pesos, the finances look stable, even though that bonus fell short of your prediction. Purchase household items the first week of the month for value. Shopping the last week of the month spells rip-off.
Aquarius Geena Davis – 21 January 1957
This is an interesting March for you Aquarius. First off, surprises are on the horizon. An extra dose of intriguing charisma increases your attraction and power. At the very end of the month, close relationships suffer upset. Turn the compassion way up. Financially, now is the time to budget for the rest of the coming year. This month, take extra care behind the wheel – no tailgating.
Happy Birthday! Get ready to put up your dukes.
You are hiding a secret that will be revealed.
You are especially bored by the mundane.
You are gorgeous, now what else?
Devote time to quiet study.
Reign in your fiery anger.
Find some levity.
Ask yourself the tough questions.
Your careful planning will pay off.
Be careful of buying into your own mythology.
Not everything can be rationalized.
Despite your vacillations, your heart is steady and true.
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