Tag Archives: Ellen Degeneres

Wednesday’s Watercooler

AHS THE COVEN VOODOOFinally, the Coven gathers tonight.  Let the stylized ritual killings of teenage girls begin!    AHS COVEN PROMOKRIS AND BRUCE BITTERNESSI am embarrassed to admit I am little sad over the inevitable Bruce and Kris divorce news.  I find the whole Kardashian sham oddly comforting.  The fuzzy edged intersection between orchestrated and organic in this family still fascinates me a little.KARDASHIAN JENNERBETHENNY AND ELLENIf you want to see her trainwreck of a talk show, better get to Bethenny before she gets cancelled.  Almost everyday a new story surfaces from a new unnamed source talking smack about all the backstage drama.  We hear the ratings are crap, Bethenny can’t book guests (ya’ll Jill Zarin and Alex McCord allegedly turned her down), and there’s even chatter Ellen wants her named dropped from Bethenny’s credits.  The pervasive negative press proves she’s obviously pissed off a disloyal member of her camp who continues to leak stories to fan the fire.  Good thing she has all that booze money to cushion her fall from daytime. BETHENNY NO


What about the GAYS Brange?

By now, you’ve surely heard that Brad and Angie are engaged.  How boring, predictable, and smacking of PR strategy.  No one has forgotten that stupid leg Angelina, no one.  Nor that neither of you make movies I actually want to see anymore.It wasn’t even a year ago Brad was on the Ellen DeGeneres show proclaiming with nobility how he wouldn’t marry until the gays could.

What about the gays Brad?  What about the gays!?

Blaming the kids, the couple abandoned their support of those denied the opportunity.  Kids want a lot of things – chocolate, toys, attention.  Wait five minutes and they’ll want something new.  Really shitty to abandon the gays.  Really shitty indeed.  Here’s the ring, since that’s all some of you bitches care about.  No judgment, I was curious too.  I’m almost too distracted by the freaky, vein-snaggled claw to even notice the ring.

Sunday with Matrimony

Portia de Rossi Gossip Part Two

So here’s the second edition of Portia de Rossi gossip from her recent eating disorder memoir, Unbearable Lightness.  When it comes to anorexia, everyone is morbidly curious about the rock-bottom weight.  At her thinnest, Portia weighed an alarming 82 pounds.  At her heaviest, she weighed 168.  For awhile she sustained herself on tuna, instant oatmeal, Mrs. Dash, Splenda, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray, gum, and Parliament LightsPortia’s wake up call came in the form of osteoporosis, cirrhosis, and lupus.  Don’t worry; she’s fine now.

“Effortlessness is an attractive thing.  And it takes a lot of effort to achieve it.”

“I knew that once I had made enough money where I no longer had to worry about losing my career, I would find a girlfriend.  I needed a lot of money, however, because I had an apartment to renovate.  But after that, I would find someone to love.” “I had always been secretly in awe of anorexics with their superhuman self-restraint.  There is a neatness to it, a perfection.”

“I was half butch, half femme, neither here nor there.”

“It suddenly occurred to me that maybe people who stay thin are the people who eat whatever they want.”

Portia de Rossi Gossip Part One

Remember in American Beauty where Jane (Thora Birch) and Angela (Mena Suvari) enjoy a joint in the car after the basketball game?  Angela informs Jane, “There’s nothing worse in life than being ordinary.”  Portia de Rossi is Angela, and the fear of mediocrity has driven both her success and her eating disorder.  Here are a few tidbits not covered in that surprisingly snoozy Oprah interview.  Did you know that Portia’s husband (Mel) left her for her brother’s wife (Renee)?  Juicy, right?   I’ll give that one a moment to sink in. We all know that Amanda Rogers changed her name to Portia de Rossi when she was 15, though I’d never heard the whole back story until reading Unbearable Lightness.  Underage Amanda was at a club when the manager took her upstairs to give her herpes an all-access medallion awarded to VIP’s.  When asked her name, she decided Amanda Rogers was way too average, so she pulled a Keyser Söze and renamed herself Portia de Rossi.  “Portia” she lifted from The Merchant of Venice, and “de Rossi” was plucked from a string of credits rolling by at the end of a movie.Read into this what you will; Portia on her first unrequited love: “If I was successful, I could win her, seduce her with money and power just as Martina Navratilova and Melissa Etheridge had won their previously heterosexual girlfriends.  By their actions, these powerful, famous lesbians told the world that straight women were more desirable than gay ones and if you were rich and powerful enough, you could snag one of your own.”