By now, you’ve surely heard that Brad and Angie are engaged. How boring, predictable, and smacking of PR strategy. No one has forgotten that stupid leg Angelina, no one. Nor that neither of you make movies I actually want to see anymore.
It wasn’t even a year ago Brad was on the Ellen DeGeneres show proclaiming with nobility how he wouldn’t marry until the gays could. 
What about the gays Brad? What about the gays!?
Blaming the kids, the couple abandoned their support of those denied the opportunity. Kids want a lot of things – chocolate, toys, attention. Wait five minutes and they’ll want something new. Really shitty to abandon the gays. Really shitty indeed. Here’s the ring, since that’s all some of you bitches care about. No judgment, I was curious too. I’m almost too distracted by the freaky, vein-snaggled claw to even notice the ring.
So here’s the second edition of Portia de Rossi gossip from her recent eating disorder memoir, Unbearable Lightness. When it comes to anorexia, everyone is morbidly curious about the rock-bottom weight. At her thinnest, Portia weighed an alarming 82 pounds. At her heaviest, she weighed 168. For awhile she sustained herself on tuna, instant oatmeal, Mrs. Dash, Splenda, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray, gum, and Parliament Lights. Portia’s wake up call came in the form of osteoporosis, cirrhosis, and lupus. Don’t worry; she’s fine now.
“I knew that once I had made enough money where I no longer had to worry about losing my career, I would find a girlfriend. I needed a lot of money, however, because I had an apartment to renovate. But after that, I would find someone to love.” 
“I had always been secretly in awe of anorexics with their superhuman self-restraint. There is a neatness to it, a perfection.”
Remember in American Beauty where Jane (Thora Birch) and Angela (Mena Suvari) enjoy a joint in the car after the basketball game? Angela informs Jane, “There’s nothing worse in life than being ordinary.” Portia de Rossi is Angela, and the fear of mediocrity has driven both her success and her eating disorder. 
Here are a few tidbits not covered in that surprisingly snoozy Oprah interview. Did you know that Portia’s husband (Mel) left her for her brother’s wife (Renee)? Juicy, right? I’ll give that one a moment to sink in. 
We all know that Amanda Rogers changed her name to Portia de Rossi when she was 15, though I’d never heard the whole back story until reading Unbearable Lightness. Underage Amanda was at a club when the manager took her upstairs to give her 
Read into this what you will; Portia on her first unrequited love: “If I was successful, I could win her, seduce her with money and power just as Martina Navratilova and Melissa Etheridge had won their previously heterosexual girlfriends. By their actions, these powerful, famous lesbians told the world that straight women were more desirable than gay ones and if you were rich and powerful enough, you could snag one of your own.”