As those of us with a pulse know, last night the Met Gala threw down in NYC. The ball celebrated the opening of the exhibit Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations at the Costume Institute. Let’s have a conversation about the fucking weird ass choices some of these bitches made last night. 
It is hard to know where to start, so let’s start with some one who should know better. Rachel Zoe looks like a fringed push pop in this ridiculous-on-her frock. Zoe styled Karolina Kurkova (where you been girl?) in a gown from her eponymous line. The dress appears to have been heavily influenced by the Armani gown Zoe dressed Anne Hathaway in for the Oscars not too long ago – that Zoe, always full of fresh ideas.
Beyoncé loves that stupid ass pose. Who the fuck stands like that in real life? The way she stiffly palms her outer thighs is so forced and unnatural. Do we need to talk about this Givenchy Couture? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it seems to me that Givenchy cares more about appearing on the red carpet than maintaining a high standard of brand integrity. By my totally unscientific estimation, about one in ten times Givenchy gets it right with their red carpet loaners. Sorry B, this is definitely not one of those times. I hate almost every single thing about this dress. 
It took some nutz for Christina Ricci to rock this odd Thakoon number. It isn’t perfect, but it is courageous. Is she going through another praying mantis phase or is it just a pre-Met crash diet?
If Laura Ashley and a flora chintz sofa made a bastard love child, this Valentino blanket that SJP is wearing would be the unholy spawn. 
Jessica Paré wore the shit out of this L’Wren Scott gold cap sleeve. No dummy, our little Megan obviously plans to squeeze every last drop of exposure from her Mad Men supporting role. Good for her, this was one of the better ensembles of the evening. 
From one Mrs. Draper to another, January Jones typically pushes boundaries, at times at the expense of flattery. The more I look at this sculpted Versace, the less it offends me. Yeah, the peplum has been overdone this season, and yeah yellow and black tends to evoke bumble bee, but I think this is a bold and interesting post-baby choice. She’s done worse. 
Lately, Emma Stone has made me forget why I like her. The color, shape, texture, and timing of this Lanvin cocktail frock is all wrong for this season and this event. Did she get lost on her way to homecoming?
Carey Mulligan co-hosted the event and wore this shield to protect her soul from the despotic clutches of Anna Wintour. 
Paltrow predictably in Prada presenting a pinch of side boob. Have we reached a consensus on whether she conservatively augmented her tatas after Moses? If she’s going to continue to push those absurd Tracy Anderson workouts then she might want to actually wear something that celebrates her hard-fought body. Unfinished is the word I would use to describe this look.
Is Cameron just straight up old now or what? Squint – is this Sharon Stone or Cameron Diaz? Stella McCartney provided the matronly gown. Stella McCartney is just mean with some of the ugly ass shit she makes her friends wear, damn.
Claire Danes evoked a little Betty Draper from the neck up, which was a welcome departure from her minimalist tendency. J Mendel conceived of the ill-fitting garment. The cut accentuates her tiny top and then betrays her by creating the illusion of a big bottom. Face it, she’s serving sleeveless bathrobe. 
First, why are these two getting married? I dislike them each individually more when they are together. Biel looks like she hemmed that dress with two-sided tape 5 minutes before she strode onto the carpet. We all know very well that Jessica Biel couldn’t dress herself if she were locked in a Chanel store. When it comes to Biel, the expectations are very low. Yet she still repeatedly fails to meet them. Much like Justin Timberlake’s acting career. 
Dunst looks pissed. I’d be pissed to if I wore that random shit to the fashion event of the year. I hate this evening suit almost as much as I hate that overrated Melancholia.
Hey Flo! I truly appreciate your willingness to go balls to the wall. At Coachella, you served me desert couture and I’m grateful for it. However, you are not Lady Gaga. This fussy layered McQueen is an overreach that reads more costume than gala. 
Prabal Gurung is a pimp. That’s called swagger bitches. Recognize. 
One of the best dressed of the evening – Marion Cotillard in head to toe Dior. Don’t usually love a sheer bottom, but this dress photographs and fits beautifully. J’adore. 
We saw quite a few subtle variations on a very similar look; here Rihanna does the long-sleeved reflective column in black Tom Ford. Snooze. 
Scarjo no! This embellished, pink, antiquated Dolce & Gabbana mess had no bizness at the Met Gala. I need more modernity from you Scarlett! You are not a little girl anymore; evolve past this princessy shit. 
Bad Grandma! Bad, bad Grandma! We told you not to leave Shady Pines without a nurse’s aid. Oh wait, that’s just Mary Kate at the Met Gala. 
Jessica Alba improved over last year, but she should have worn this dress then when this Michael Kors metallic lamé might have felt fresh. Did Brad Goreski style her again this year?
The unofficial perennial Prom King and Queen of the Met Ball, Gisele and Tom stuck to boring black this year. Is it me or does that photo reveal a bit of tension between the power couple?
Hey Kanye, Anna wouldn’t let you bring Kim?
The Best: Emma Stone in Giambattista Valli
Fresh from the couture collections, Shailene Woodley wore this modern, white, long-sleeved number. It might look familiar since we featured it as part of the best of Fall 2012 Couture earlier this month. It’s a little old for her, and her face would benefit from a pop of color, but not a flop by any means.
After favorable reviews from fashion folk for her Globes look, Octavia went back to Tadashi Shoji for her Oscar gown. Clearly, cultivating that relationship has paid off; the designer knows her body and the fit is beautiful. Second best of the night.
I really want to like this Gucci gown, but I don’t. She needs a waist and this dress gives her no shape through the torso. It reminds me of a melting chocolate and vanilla soft-serve twist cone.
She gave birth to a new era of shitty style.
No single attendee of the the 2012 SAG Awards snatched “best dressed” by a landslide; rather this red carpet showed subtle improvements – like Tilda Swinton in Lanvin, and not so subtle disappointments like a gawd-awful green Emily Blunt in Oscar de la Renta. 
Many will point to Lea Michele in Versace as best dressed. Does she look good? Yes. Would I be disgusted with myself to name her best dressed? Yes. 
I’m just not personally feeling this silhouette right now. Even though certain designers are pushing this awkward tea length it’s so hard to wear, as proven by Emma Stone in Alexander McQueen. 
Michelle Williams wore Valentino. From the waist up, it is magnificent. The shoes and bracelet aren’t right. I’m torn on the subtle asymmetrical hem. She werks the Mia Farrow better than anyone, no?
Jessica Chastain let Calvin Klein sculpt her bosom to delightful results. One of the best of the night. 
What the fuck Kristen Wiig? Explain this deranged necklace choice. Shame on you for ruining a Balanciaga with a bad choker. 
Shall we discuss the couples? Pitt wore Balenciaga and Jolie wore a Jenny Packham gown reminiscent of a Hefty bag. Clooney wore Armani and Keibler wore a boring black lace Marchesa. Is the dress boring or is she? Both?
Me likey Melissa McCarthy’s drapey Badgley Mischka and Natalie Portman in Giambattista Valli too. 
Glenn Close went big in Zac Posen. Diane Lane wasted her incredible body in David Meister. 
Vergara and Bowen in Marchesa and Temperely London respectively. I’m not moved by either.
Weird whites: Rose Byrne taking a risk in a jumpsuit, (p.s. Is she filming the Anna Wintour biopic with that new hair?)…
Zoe Saldana wore Givenchy and it didn’t photograph well. 
Viola Davis brought the twins to the party in Marchesa. 
Let’s end on a high note with Kyra in Pucci, though let this serve as a cautionary tale against tattoos. The ink on the rib cheapens the look. 
Jolie served in Atelier Versace. She turned it out to pimp her directorial debut. Don’t love the shoes, but when she tries even a little she easily steals the show. 
Mila Kunis looked bored and made this one-strap Christian Dior boring too. She can do better, but can’t seem to shake this recent ugly frock streak. 
Let’s get the brides out of the way. First, Jessica Chastain arrived in an ill-fitting Givenchy. In recent awards seasons, Givenchy seems to lend out dresses willy-nilly and doesn’t bother to make sure they are tailored correctly. For as many style successes as they have, they have an equal number of fashion failures. 
Kate Beckinsale always brings the over-try, sponsored here by Roberto Cavalli and accompanied by Len Wiseman.
Jessica Biel wore a matrimonial Elie Saab, obviously unable to stifle her wedding enthusiasm. 
Sofia Vergara showed us the source of the Nile in Vera Wang. Sarah Michelle Gellar drowned in a big blue and white tie-dyed Monique L’huillier. 
Best grown women: Downton Abbey’s Elizabeth McGovern, Diane Lane and Madge both in Reem Acra.
Vivienne Westwood dressed Andrea Riseborough who stars in Madonna’s movie W.E.
The gorgeous Gucci girls = Salma Hayek and Evan Rachel Wood.
God bless Melissa McCarthy; she tried in Badgley Mischka. Take a cue from Octavia Spencer who looked incredible in a light lavender Tadashi Shoji. 
Modern Family’s Ariel Winter looks all grown up in Dolce & Gabbana. Shailene Woodley chose a lovely Marchesa gown, but unfortunately paired it with bad posture. 
Claire Danes deviated from her usual favorites Calvin Klein and Narciso Rodriquez in favor of this embellish-backed J. Mendel number. I’m ambivalent – love the back, hate the front. 
Michelle Williams wore Jason Wu. She should stick to Prada or Miu Miu. Is that burned out velvet? Emma Stone also failed to impress in a mediocre Lanvin gown. 
Frieda Pinto wore lapis Prada and it won’t be everyone’s favorite, but I think she’s lovely. Juliana Marguilies also chose a bold color statement with this sleek eggplant Naeem Khan.
Laura Dern sparkled in an emerald Andrew Gn gown.
Did you get the memo that Reese is reinventing herself as sexy? Zac Posen painted her red and gave her hips. 
Nicole Richie is quickly morphing into a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. At first, I loved this Julien MacDonald metallic dress, but the more I look at it, the less excited I am, especially over that messy hem. 
Where have you been Natalie? We’ve barely seen you since you gave birth. Weird dress by Lanvin. 
Madeleine Stowe celebrated her career revival in Vera Wang. Charlize Theron is like awards show pizza; even when she’s bad she’s not that bad, and here she’s pretty decent in Dior Couture. If only she could wipe that smug-ass look off her (recently tweaked?) face. 
Finally saw The Help yesterday. I completely agree with most of the criticisms of the movie. The white protagonist, soft-core telling of the violent struggles of the civil rights movement, and the broad stereotyping of domestic workers definitely cast a white-devil cloud over the story. These very same critiques kept me away from the book. 
Though flawed, The Help is enjoyable. The story plods along like Mississippi in July, but when it finally gains a little momentum, it fills out to a fluffy little white-guilt souffle. Villainous Junior Leaguer Hilly Holbrook (played by Bryce Dallas Howard) mean-girls her way through Jackson, tormenting members of both races indiscriminately. Her bitchery alone warrants a rental.
Octavia Spencer shines as Minny, and veterans Allison Janney and Sissy Spacek turn in reliably fantastic performances. Emma Stone doesn’t completely embarrass herself, but she fails to stand out among the seasoned ensemble. 
Calvin Klein Collection provided intense color and clean lines resulting in two of the most refreshing looks of the evening – Emma Stone and Claire Danes. 
The two biggest disappointments were Jennifer Lawrence in Louis Vuitton and Scarlett Johansson in Elie Saab. These were not the most offensive gowns of the evening, but neither selection does its wearer justice. Since this was one of Scarjo’s first appearances post-divorce announcement, her failure to turn it out is really inexcusable. 
More than ever, these mega-gowns feel really antiquated. Catherine Zeta-Jones goes to prom in Monique L’huillier…
Eva Longoria looks like she’s dragging her grief behind her in this Zac Posen. 
Who invited Hewitt?
Awkward and abysmal asymmetry abounded; unfortch, no one executed this look correctly.
Julianne Moore tried her best to work a Lanvin dress that was in desperate need of a good steam. Nicole Kidman bored us in Prada.
Granny gown girls: Leighton Meester misfired again in Burberry and Michelle Williams continues her defiantly unappealing streak in Valentino. 
The two most overrated? Sophia Vergara in Vera loves-a-sash Wang and Angelina Jolie in Versace. Hey Angie, Joan Collins called and demanded you return her gown. 
The most stylish and appropriately dressed youngin’ was Hailee Steinfeld in Prabal Gurung. Sarah Hyland could have used some guidance away from this fug Max Azria. 
Many folks will criticize Natalie Portman’s Viktor & Rolf gown, but who can be mad at this feminine display of whimsy? Olivia Wilde deviated from the crowd with this full-skirted, sparkly, starry night Marchesa gown. 
The Glee girls gave good gownage. 
Because the public is generally repulsive, these days it takes quite a bit of motivation to get my ass to the movies. The buzz on Easy A lured me to the theater, and for once, I didn’t regret the decision.
Emma Stone as Olive wins you over in the first ten minutes; her lip-synching montage to Pocket Full of Sunshine hits a particularly funny note. A resurrected Amanda Bynes pops up as an intense bible-thumping promise-ring nemesis praying for Olive’s purity and redemption. Surprising performances from Stanley Tucci (Dill) and Patricia Clarkson (Rosemary) as Olive’s kooky parents add fun and a tad of gravitas to the breezy film. Note to casting, Penn Badgley has the sex appeal of expired dairy. Stop trying to make Penn Badgley happen.
The story, inspired by The Scarlet Letter, preaches the new gospel of high school sex politics in the digital age. The obvious take away is a watered down “Our Body, Ourselves” message for the Hannah Montana set. Underneath, the best advice to extract from the story is to wait to have sex until you get out of high school. Not because of Jesus, but because every fucking gossipy bitch in your class will have your biznass on Facebook.
Wait until college to have sex. Everyone is a slut in college, so unless you do something legendarily slutty, your reputation is probably safe. Another bonus: it guarantees you will not end up on the next season of 16 and Pregnant.
On a somewhat unrelated note, a trailer for Gwyneth Paltrow’s upcoming release Country Strong rolled before the feature presentation. Despite the studio’s confidence in positioning it for awards season, it looks like fucking fromage. While stifling laughter at her unconvincing turn as a washed-up country singer, I couldn’t help but wonder if GOOP has a good recipe for organic humble pie.