Tag Archives: Ethan Burgess

Bethenny Ever After: Malibootie

In an effort to test market a possible booty-thickening addition to her shapewear line, Bethenny spent the first several minutes of this week’s episode flaunting her artificially-enhanced ass in everyone’s face.  First Julie, then Ethan, and finally Jason got a face full of butt pad everywhere they turned.When Jason admired her new asset, Bethenny first credited the skating, but when Jason pressed to bang the booty, she had to fess up to her new accessory to his epic disappointment.

The Hoppy family + staff hit up the Christmas tree farm where Bethenny provided a Santa hat to tree farmer Don and forced him to double as an impromptu St. Nick.  She thrust Bryn into the man’s arms, insisted on taking pictures, and cooed as the baby tugged on Don’s beard.  Explain the parental blind spot that prevents otherwise reasonable folks from understanding that it is not appropriate to impose their children on others.After balking at the big city prices, Jason flailed about with the saw, sending Bethenny’s motherly protectiveness into overdrive.  Dawa selected a tree, and while the crew packed it up, Don offered Bethenny and Jason a ride on the back of his pick-up truck.  The ride was rough, but unfortunately not rough enough to knock either of them off the back.Bethenny planned what she thought would be a hilarious ugly Christmas sweater party, and maybe it would have been funny ten years ago when this idea first made the rounds.  Ugly Christmas sweater parties are so over. (Shoutout Portlandia)

Food God Nick submitted his first food blog, and Bethenny and Julie creamed themselves over his sesquipedalian and grandiloquent writing style (two can play at that game Nick).  After finishing an oral recitation of the multi-page account, Bethenny immediately got Nick on the phone, offered him a job with the Skinnygirl website, and asked him to a fancy dinner at Mr. Chow.Nick borrowed a sports coat from his Dad and wore a wrinkly, dingy button-up with no undershirt.  This kid is crying out for a makeover.  Nick, write me, I’ll help you, seriously.The producers obviously put Nick up to asking Bethenny’s advice on his love life.  His girlfriend just left him because he’s an admitted stage five clinger.  Bethenny recommended internet dating like it was some sort of novel concept.  Trust, those resembling Nick have had a lot of interesting experiences with the internet.  Bethenny dished clichéd advice between bites, and Nick politely thanked her for stating the obvious.  An insightful guy, Food God Nick must be using her for fame, because there is no way he doesn’t see her for the insipid, self-important twat she is.

Bethenny Ever After: $120 Million Dollar Baby?

Bethenny and Jason needed a new nanny since Gina left to convalesce after her surgery.  Their top choice is a woman named Dawa.  Born in India and of Tibetan descent, Dawa must be genetically calm or some such racist shit according to her new employers.After butchering her four letter name repeatedly, Bethenny and Jason gave Dawa the grand tour of the nursery and pantry.  Bethenny in particular put on a high-drama neurotic show for the cameras.  No wonder ratings are way down this season.  Truthfully, this mundane shit is dreadfully dull.Dawa informed Bethenny that she doubles as a hair dresser, so Bethenny got a blowout from the new two-for nanny.  Not sure how long ago Dawa werked weaves in India but her technique and finish on the blowout left much room for improvement.  Stick to burping babes Dawa.Over dinner, Jason told Bethenny that sales of Skinnygirl expanded from 13 states to 40.  She contemplated the future sale of Skinnygirl and revealed that several companies that had previously turned her down were now begging to buy her out.  No doubt a satisfying moment for Bethenny, but it is disappointing to think the same people that doubted her are now financially profiting from her idea.Speaking of sell outs, a few episodes back we discussed the sale of Skinnygirl to Beam, and at the time the sale price was undisclosed.  Recently, several outlets from the Wall Street Journal to Wendy Williams reported Bethenny sold Skinnygirl for $120 million.  Does that officially make her the richest Housewife?  (Bitch please, spin-off or not she’ll always be a Housewife.)  The timing of the sale makes sense because Bethenny officially peaked awhile ago, even if she continues to fight against her inevitable decline.Despite her public bitch fight with Johnny Weir (Team Johnny!), Bethenny made it all the way to The Skating with the Stars finale show by riding a wave of drunken Skinnygirl fan support.  To properly prepare, Bethenny rented a beachfront house in Malibu and invited Ethan over for a Mexican fiesta and tabletop dance.Bethenny keeps hinting that a move to California is around the corner.  Can we look forward to a new cast member on The Real Housewives of Beverly HillsBethenny and Kyle go way back, so the notion isn’t that far afield.  Plant the seed ya’ll.

Bethenny Ever After: Baroness of Booze

This week’s episode commenced with a death spiral and that’s not a cheeky reference to Bethenny and Jason’s relationship.  Props to Bethenny for her major skating progress.  All that yoga has clearly paid off.Next Bethenny took her badly dressed hubby to Scoop for new jeans where salesboy Gavyn read Jason to filth for his antiquated denim taste.  While Jason took his sweet-ass time trying on options, Bethenny talked shit about his genetically inherited cheap streak.Gavyn summed it up like only a bitchy queen can when he said snidely, “He’s only buying one?  After all that?”  Then he huffed, rolled his eyes at the breeders, and stomped off with an attitude to check his Blackberry.  God Bless Gavyn.In order to address Skinnygirl production issues, Bethenny and Jason flew private to Montreal.  After the requisite mile-high club innuendos, the two tucked into a spread of salad and fruit.Montreal is so fantastic, right?  The couple enjoyed the gorgeous city and strolled the streets.  An ornament store caught their attention.  Bethenny came down with tchotchke fever and insisted on investing in a snow globe against Jason’s better judgment.Bethenny plays on Jason’s sympathies to manipulate him into getting what she wants.  Last week she rationalized her bad birthday behavior by relying heavily on her whoa-is-me youth.  This week she used her snow-globe-deprived childhood to justify wasting money on hideous knick-knacks.  Officially an adult for well over twenty years, Bethenny continues to get a lot of mileage out of her “tragic” childhood.Now that Bethenny thinks she’s got everything figured out from her woo woo place of yes, she’s making broad generalizations about all women.  Over drinks, she declared, “Every woman goes out to get married.”Ooooohhhhhhhhhh really Bethenny?  EVERY woman schemes for a ring, huh?  A good number of women could give a fuck about a ring, so she can chill with the sweeping statements.  Furthermore, her overconfidence in her own union might come back to bite her in the ass.  Bethenny sounds like the Cuntess with all this sanctimony.And one other thing, this tequila-soaked slop looks cross-eyed every time she drinks out of straw.  Need a funnel B?The next day the booze baroness took a visit to the Skinnygirl bottling plant.  Bethenny was blown away at seeing her vision come to fruition.  Apparently, there was a glass shortage?  Bullshit detector go off on that one?  White dude in a suit kept serving up excuses which did not legitimately account for the significant production delays.  Bethenny was too stunned by the whole factory to see the forest for the trees and let the piss-poor performance issues slide.Back on the factory floor, Bethenny reveled in the enormous scale of Skinnygirl.  She and Jason then spent several minutes reenacting key scenes from Laverne & Shirley.Bethenny took a moment and reflected on her boozy success.  Credit goes to her for breaking into the hard liquor market – an almost exclusively male arena.  Recently, Bethenny sold Skinnygirl to Beam Global Spirits & Wine in the hopes of greatly expanding distribution.  Bethenny claims the partnership will allow her to still remain integrally involved and develop new products.So you want to know how much the deal was worth?  Such details haven’t been publicly disclosed, but chances are it wasn’t enough.  The phrases “lump sum” and “multi-year agreement” have made their way through the rumor mill.  However, unless that lump sum was somewhere in the $50 million range, she likely sold herself way too short.  Another question, who owns her new cocktail ideas?  Think Beam has Bethenny’s back? 

BETHENNY EVER AFTER: metro card

The first of several 40th birthday parties kicked off at a suite at the Gansevoort where Bethenny and her girls pre-gamed with Skinnygirl and mini-sliders.  Later, Bethenny rallied the group for a schlong hunt at Plunge.Why does Bethenny think she has game?  She acted like a crazed Ramona lusting over the general manager conveniently named Jason.  At 40 not 30, Bethenny’s a little more resistible than she thinks.  Seriously, slow your roll and stop embarrassing yourself.After a few drinks, each sloppster took a turn stomping out her dignity in the center of the dance circle.  Julie offered the most interesting dance craze – the metro card – a reenactment of that graceful moment when the metro card fails and you whiplash against the immobile turnstile.  Bethenny acted like Julie was nutz.  Apparently it has been awhile since bougie Bethenny has taken the train, because that shit was brilliant.  Anyone who takes public transportation would know that dance of shame anywhere.The next day, Bethenny got the call about Skating With the Stars and it was immediately obvious that she was going to say “yes,” even though she pretended she was going to discuss it with the family.  Back at casa Hoppy, Jason braced himself for the latest news.Jason didn’t seem too enthusiastic about the idea and immediately started chipping away at her excitement with loaded questions.  Jealous much?  Then he asked if it would be better for her to do Dancing With the Stars.  Her response was fucking priceless, and proves how big her head has become.

Super snotty she says, “I don’t really want to do the twelfth of anything.”

Her implication – that she would turn down the highly rated Dancing With the Stars in favor of Skating With the Stars – could not be more patently absurd.  Bitch please.  No one asked you to be on Dancing With the Stars.  Don’t fucking act like you would have turned down Dancing with the God Damn Stars because no one on this planet believes your fame-seeking ass would ever do any such thing.Julie joined the meeting and even though she and Jason had concerns about time and scheduling, there was no talking Bethenny out of her skates.  She knew she was accepting the offer the minute they called.  Make no mistake: Bethenny furthers her fame first.Even though no one had even mentioned Bethenny’s birthday, she moaned that everyone kept “harping on her 40th birthday,” so she simply must have a lavish party to satisfy the masses or some such self-important bullshit.  She met up with her wedding planner Shawn for lunch and he offered to plan the party for her as a product placement gift.  Bravo probably pressured Bethenny into having a party on the show to give it some zest, and this might explain her mixed messages.  This does not bode well since when the sentiments “reluctant” and “party” are combined, it never makes for a very festive event.Later Jason and Bethenny took Bryn on an afternoon stroll.  Jason nit-picked the proposed plans.  The two began to bicker about the number of guests, the timing of food and drink, and the appropriate night for the party.With a proposed guest list of 35-45, Bethenny didn’t want to exclude her friends for Jason’s buddies.  In another dick move, Jason played the “you’re married now, Bethenny” card.  In this instance, Bethenny’s right on.  It is her birthday, and the guest list should be comprised of her friends.  Jason manipulated her by calling her selfish, and got his way to invite ten friends to her party.  When Jason turns forty he can invite all his friends.  Not all couples must share friends.  Furthermore, Jason’s friends don’t actually give a fuck about celebrating Bethenny’s birthday, so he should stop fronting like they do.From there things got progressively uglier, and a sour cloud hovered over the rest of the walk, the talk, and the party.  Bethenny began to regret agreeing to the bash.  Considering the amount of celebrations Bethenny’s had for Bethenny this year – engagement, showers, a televised wedding – a low key fortieth might have been a better way to go.Bethenny met her skating partner Ethan Burgess at the rink, but the chemistry wasn’t exactly gelling.  Awkward chatter peppered practice and culminated with Bethenny declaring that she’d seen Ethan fall in a competition on youtube.  Not knowing when to STFU, Bethenny continued to prattle and opined his fall was due to the rocky relationship with his girlfriend/skate partner.  Nice first impression.Back in bed, Bethenny and Jason continued to write “birthday party disaster” all over the walls.  Each time the topic came up, the two clashed.Since Bethenny’s latest book is about conquering negative thoughts, take note of Bethenny’s own self-defeating behavior.  She says things like “my whole life has been like that.”  Boo Fucking Hoo.

Your life is a result of your own choices.  Quit bitching.