Tag Archives: etiquette

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: worry-making

CATHY COMICI know this woman as a friendly acquaintance.  I’ve posted about her before awhile ago.  She’s like a human Cathy Comic.  I liked her though.  I think she’s smart, funny, well-meaning, and enjoyable in small doses.   I’ve extended a number of invitations to her over the last year.  Several months ago, she just stopped responding.  I’m the last holdout on the fucking Facebook, but other friends tried to contact her though her page.  She never responded, despite her FB page showing recent updated activity.  She’s a single woman living alone on my side of town.  Therefore, it’s partially my responsibility to make sure she didn’t die alone, and her cat wasn’t gnawing off her three-day-dead face.  After multiple attempted contacts from a number of sources, finally a co-worker confirmed that Cathy Comic is fine.  No illness.  No tragedy.  Just chronic unresponsiveness.  Well fuck you human Cathy Comic.  Do you know how rude it is to make people worry?  Cathy Comic must be so flush with friends that she doesn’t need any more thoughtful people to care about her.  Well it’s a good thing because I won’t be wasting a moment more of my concern.  I’m recycling that friendship like yesterday’s newspaper.  And don’t come calling when he dumps you.  I don’t want to hear it.  CATHY COMIC BEDIf you are late, call.  If people express concern, respond.  Remember that pit of anxiety that forms when you are worried about someone you love.  Don’t ever recklessly give another that feeling due to your own thoughtlessness and irresponsibility.  It’s fucking rude, and it makes you unworthy of the concern.BYE CATHY

 

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: the birthday dinner

SATC 35 BIRTHDAYI’m all for going big on birthdays.  I’m happy to be included in an ensemble dinner celebrating my friend’s birth.  What I do not enjoy is picking up the financial slack for the other diners.  Explicitly, attendance at a birthday dinner means you are communally paying for the birthday boy/girl’s dinner, drinks, and gratuity.  I was recently at a dinner of about 15 people celebrating a friend’s birthday.  I told the server to put birthday girl’s order on my tab.  Whether the majority lack mindfulness or are just cheap, only 2 people of 15 attendees offered a contribution to the birthday girl’s portion of the bill.  I can’t excuse such grotesque and tacky behavior.  These grown folks should know better.  Err on the side of generosity in dealing with matters that involve communal cash.  Verify the bill is adequately covered including a generous tip for the server.  If you are invited to such a dinner and finances are a concern, it’s your responsibility to budget for you + 1, which may mean you order one less drink or a less expensive meal.   BILL SPLITTER

Monday Morning Management Meeting: Put the Cookie Down

WON'T EATI attended a meeting the other day.  As a rough estimate, there were about 40 or so people there.  The professional gathering lasted just over 90 minutes.  During the brief assembly a number of people snacked.  This is a fit crowd and not a bunch of sedentary cubicle dwellers.  Still, they munched.  Some nibbled on some really smelly and random shit.  Like did that bitch just pull out a salmon roll? BUG SUSHI When did eating every second of the day become appropriate?  Barring some sort of specific health requirement, there isn’t any constructive reason to self-soothe through a meeting with food.  I never heard of anyone dying of starvation from waiting a whole 90 minutes between meals.  Furthermore because we care about manners here at Demeter Clarc, it’s rude to eat in front of others and not share.  If you don’t have enough raspberries for the room, then put them away.  GIMME SOME

guys

TRASH LINER OBSESSION

Guys obsess over pushing out every last gasp of air between the trash can and the liner.

SINDY MARTINGuys back into parking spaces.DOUCHE PLEASEGuys nudge their junk in public. AIRPLANE ARMRESTGuys take the armrest.  HOT SAUCEGuys love hot sauce. GUYS

 

 

The Most Annoying People at the Rock Show

BUTT GRABThe guy who leads his girlfriend around by the ass.FLAILING BITCHES

The woman who over-enthusiastically dances to the band’s two hit songs and then texts, talks loudly, and gets sloppy-ass drunk for the remainder of the show.

BRAD PITT DORK DANCEThe interpretative dancer who gesticulates in accord with the lyrics.  RAISE THE ROOF

The slutty underage Forever 21-clad girls who skank around the drink line begging guys to buy them beer.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: don’t stand so close to me.

STANDING IN LINELately, a number of pushy women have been breathing down my neck.  I am a person who needs a minimum of a 24″ buffer between my body and anybody else.  A couple of weeks ago at the airport, I was walking through security.  The huffy woman behind me kept pushing me with her bag.  One bump is an accident.  Two bumps gets an eyeroll.  Three bumps deserves an audible exhale.  Bump me again and your ass is going to get bumped back (lest I remind you of the 2012 Music Midtown Beatdown.)  HAIR PULLToday at the post office this older woman was literally breathing down my neck.  I use “literally” correctly and appropriately here as I could feel the bitch’s hot breath draping my shoulders like a death shroud.   Does standing thisclose make these huffy muffies feel like they are going to get through the line any sooner?  LADY IN THE FRONT WILL CUT YOUI naturally can’t help but antagonize these self-important cows by doubling the distance between myself and the person in front of me just to drive home the point.  Stop tailgaiting bitch.  This ain’t a BBQ.CREEPY SMILE

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Don’t Raise a Dickhead

KIDS YOGARecently, I invited kids to join a class I usually teach for adults.  I’m not a fan of pandering to children, so I expect the youngsters attending my class will demonstrate a modicum of self-control and respect.  In general, I treat kids as capable beings.  That’s why I blame parents when I observe many children have not been taught how to properly greet another human.MEET THE KIDSFor example I’ll say: “Hi kids, welcome to class, nice to see you again.  Thanks for joining us.”  No eye contact.  No response.  These children range in age from 6-10 years old and are quite capable of an age-appropriate level of social interaction with adults.  The accompanying parent, a highly intelligent, insightful, and successful person, makes no effort to corral the children for a proper greeting.  I find this unbelievably shocking.  Without exception, children must learn to respectfully acknowledge adults.  I need some eye contact and a bonjour at the very least.  PLEASED TO MEET YOUEven though it is fully possible that the kiddos ignore me because I’m a child-hating cunt, I’ll just humbly offer that no one is twisting their arms to come to this class and they attend quite voluntarily and enthusiastically.  So even though I am a mean witch, I haven’t revealed my broom to the little ones just yet.  This clearly isn’t a personal rebuff, but routinely rude behavior.  Unfortunately, these kids just haven’t been taught proper manners.  HI THEREObviously, parents resent advice from non-parents, but non-parents resent having to deal with rude children, so let’s just agree to call it even.  Remember: little assholes grow up to be big assholes.  We are all counting on you not to raise a dickhead.  Don’t let us down.    HOW RUDE

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Graciousness

GRACIOUSLuckily lately, I’ve been on the receiving end of a number of kind gestures.  I’m seeing someone new (Hi Ty).  He opens EVERY door.  He doesn’t make a grand show of it, and he doesn’t just do it when other people are watching.  That said,  you should see the jealous looks of the lady onlookers and the shame-drenched expressions smeared across the faces of their discourteous mates when he gallantly walks out of his way to my side of the car and gently guides me inside. CAR DOORLast weekend in Chicago, The French Pastry School’s newest intern, my dear friend Michael, walked me back to my hotel late-night style even though it was out of his way.  Before you chalk it all up to unabashed pussy collecting, let me stop you there.  He’s gay, in a committed relationship, and could give a fuck about my puffed pastry.  He did it because he is kind and gracious.  If you are a certain kind of man, it’s just what you do. THE FRENCH PASTRY SCHOOL

Accepting an open door doesn’t mean you are a helpless waif who can’t open it yourself.  Nobody is asking you to give away your power.  Find the power in receiving. COAT ON THE PUDDLE

In the spirit of graciousness, let someone ease your burdens and seize opportunities to ease the burdens of others.  In a hate-filled and spiteful world, shock others with good old-fashioned courtesy. JACKET HELP

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: to Return or not to Return Broken Bondage?

Recently, I bought a sex toy online.  It wasn’t a vibrator or a dildo.  It was this weird spreader bondage contraption.  Anyway, in case my little Midtown Meltdown indicated otherwise, I’m strong as fuck.  I destroyed the bondage toy before my first orgasm.  I  literally tore the flimsy binding completely apart.  The inner-rod detached from the larger outer rod.  I snapped the chains in two.  This bitch don’t play.

For a variety of reasons, I don’t return items very often even when I’m dissatisfied. However, I’m super pissed, stunned, and profoundly disappointed that this expensive, but crappy accouterment disintegrated at my first healthy tug.  Shouldn’t a bondage toy effectively bind?  Weak Sauce.

Stymied by my dilemma, I asked around to see what others thought was appropriate in regard to initiating a refund.  Let me be crystal clear here: no bodily fluids touched the device.  Indeed, I destroyed it before anyone climaxed or even felt much of a tickle.  (By the way, even if the thing hadn’t broken, the spreader didn’t actually spread enough, so skip this amateur shit and get your favorite lesbian to build you a sturdy custom device from Home Depot.)The overwhelming response from a sampling of trusted advisers was to indeed return the overpriced janky novelty to the allegedly reputable website that sold it to me.  I packed it up piece by piece, making sure every broken part made it back into the box in some semblance of its original form and shipped it back to the sex toy graveyard. Now let’s see if the site actually refunds the cost of this crap.  This junk was over $75 or I probably wouldn’t have bothered at all.