Tag Archives: Eva Mendes

I don’t want to pet your dog

EVA MENDES DOGIt’s that time of year again, the weather is warm and all the dog owners have their canines on parade.  Other than shitting everywhere and the occasional mauling, I have no real problem with dogs.  Their owners, well that’s another story.  I have a friend who compulsively pets every dog she sees.  Hiking with this girl can take an extra minute depending on how many dogs we encounter.  I understand dog people meet each other this way, but I don’t want to pet your dog.  When I don’t bend down to gush, owners look at me like I’m calling their firstborn child retarded.  Today, this girl had her puppy leashed to the fence during lunch – obviously baiting us with puppy cuteness.  She acted annoyed when people “interrupted” her to fuss over her adorable babydog.  You’re the one rolling one puppy deep on a sunny Saturday you attention-seeking bitch.  Eyeroll.     RIHANNA OLIVERBack in college, I had this dumbass friend Marisha who was wandering around the city one hot summer day.  A dog was locked inside a car with the windows cracked.  Well-meaning Marisha, concerned for the pup, administered water from her plastic water bottle through the window crack.  During the attempted hydrating, the ungrateful twatdog bit her hand.  Moral of the story: other people’s dogs aren’t for you.

DOG IN CARAnd pick up your pooch poo.PICK UP POO

The Rachel Zoe Project: Period. The End.

While Team Zoe prepared for a shoot for Love magazine, Brad and Jordan kvetched about the tireless devotion Rachel requires.  Apparently, Tayloritis is contagious.The shoot featured a Bardot-inspired Ginta Lapina, a breath of fashion fresh air and one of the baddest bitches on the scene.  Between Ginta Lapina and Jessica Stam (featured last season on the RZP at the V shoot), it is Team Ginta all the way.  For the record editors, we are all nauseous with Stam oversaturation.Brad and Jordan talked shit in the makeshift wardrobe room.  While Rachel lugged furs around the shoot, complaining about her ineffectual staff.After the shoot, it was all about prepping for the Met Ball, perhaps the single most mayjah night for fashion folks.  Typically, designers select a few starlets to wear their gowns and accompany them as part of their entourage.  For some inexplicable reason, Marc Jacobs invited Rachel to join his group.  Rachel also took credit for dressing Demi, Eva, Kate, and Anne.  More likely, designers sent a few choices to each of these actresses, and Zoe may have edited those options and accessorized the final look.At her fitting, Anne thanked Rachel and Brad for influencing her to embrace her inner fashion icon.  I’ll (begrudgingly) give credit where credit is due, and Zoe has been responsible for some of Hathaway’s most memorable moments on the red carpet.Zoe on Hathaway, “She’s like über-intellectual, and I’m über-not.”Later, the time came for Rachel to craft her own look for the Ball.  First, Rachel drowned in a gigantic Marc Jacobs.  After determining the dress failed to flatter her “70’s disco titty,” it was eliminated.  Next Rachel donned a strange, velvet, mustard, drapey, vintage gown that highlighted her bony sternum.Too bad she traded in the sliver geometric clutch for a tan day bag that downgraded the entire look.  While I appreciate Rachel’s yin for unexpected whimsy, this frock was Met Gala unworthy.  At an event of this magnitude, timeless glamour must trump quirk when finalizing a gown choice.  Admit it; this aberration treads uncomfortably close to shmatta territory.

Back in L.A., Rodger decided to attend Rachel’s lady doc appointment to discuss the possibility of having a child.  The very awkward and staged appointment ended with Rachel and Rodger fighting over Rachel getting a blood test that day.  Rachel refused, Rodger insisted, and the gyno nodded uncomfortably.Back at home, Rachel and Rodger continued to go round and round.  Rodger emphasized that biologically, time keeps ticking.  Career-obsessed Rachel informed him that nothing, including a baby, would curtail her megalomaniacal styling ambitions.Acknowledging that a refusal to spawn will cause “major marital problems,” Rachel swallowed her reproductive ambivalence and concluded, “We are meant to be parents and I wanna do it, not totally sure how yet, but we’re gonna be. Period. The end.”