Tag Archives: Evelyn Lozada

throw the baby shower out with the bath water

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN BABY SHOWERJust got back from a baby shower.  Said my Hellos.  I stayed 30 minutes because there was nothing for me at this party.  First, it was one of those invite the whole family type showers and I don’t have a kid or husband to reluctantly drag.  The mutual co-worker who was supposed to attend with me cancelled (ugh, 4th time in a row this bitch has bailed on concrete plans).  I showed up with my thick stack of Dr. Suess books elegantly wrapped.  I dropped the present off at the designated table occupied by several medium-sized gift bags.   I greeted the mom-to-be who was dressed in a tight, fuchsia, cotton, ruched tube dress.  She looked like a raspberry.  I told her as much, which in hindsight she may not have appreciated, but I love raspberries so I didn’t intend the comment pejoratively.  Dad-to-be and I chatted for awhile, but I noticed the side-eye of the older ladies when our conversation extended beyond 5 minutes of appropriate small talk.  Who is that predatory single woman circling the dad-in-waiting?  Please.  There are no secret yearnings.  Excuse the blatant bitchery, but if I wanted him I could have him a year ago when we first met and he was drooling all over himself.HOLLY MADISON BABY SHOWER

After I was done talking to the two guests of honor, I wandered around a little bit and introduced myself to a few other folks standing solo.  Nobody seemed very interested in small talk, and it’s not my strength anyway.  When in doubt, hit the buffet, right?  Well you already know that I refer to buffets at barffets and am never in the mood for a group feeding.  This spread was particularly bleak.  Two circular trays of Subway-style sandwiches of dubious origin and questionable content.  The fold-out tables lacked proper placards describing the menu.  Just down from the sandwich wheels where huge bowls of standard potato chips.  Why do people do this?  Put out enough potato chips to feed and army just to watch them soften into stale after the first hour.  Plate of pickles, ok, I get the nod to pregnancy cravings.   A couple of large bowls of mystery potato-salad glop remained untouched.  The beverage options included electric yellow “lemonade” and something that looked like soda.  Not a cupcake in sight.  Killing time with mindless eating would not be an option at this shindig.BABY BUMCAKES

The one activity provided for the children was butcher paper on the tables and crayons.  I made a doodle.  I met a couple kids.  I drank some neon lemonade.  Then I split.  There was nothing left for me.KROY KIM

To that end, if you want people to stay at your baby shower for more than the obligatory 30 minutes, consider the following:

1) With regard to length. 2 hours maximum.  This one was scheduled for a tedious 3.  I like the idea of a short and sweet 90 minutes.

2) Delicious food.  Lots of options.  Baked goods.  Simple non-dressed salads.  Fruit. Cheese. Crudites. Readily available sweets. Warm offerings.  Coffee. Tea. Iced Tea. Water.  I personally prefer an elegant seated brunch.JESSICA SIMPSON

3) Make introductions.  Reign in loners.  Ensure everyone feels included.WIZ AND AMBER

4) Create intimate seating arrangements to encourage eating, drinking, and conversation.EVEYLN LOZADA

5) Designate a separate (but within eyeshot/earshot of helicopter parents) fun space for the kids.MINNIE DRIVER

6) It’s fine if you aren’t into “baby games,” but do provide some sort of entertainment or fun.  Music. Dancing. Karaoke. Ice your own cupcake.  Whatever.  These activities start conversations and save people from dreaded awkward mingling.MINDY WEISS

7) Attentive hosting takes work, the preggo shouldn’t be hosting her own baby shower, but these two did it as a couple.  Designate a host devoted to socially lubricating the shower.  Mothers and mothers-in-law love this job.KRIS AND KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN

 

Betrothed, Butted, and Boring Blood

By now you’ve heard that Jen and Justin got engaged.  Why does their whole relationship smack of desperation?  Justin’s desperate to elevate himself to A-list relevancy and wealth.  Jen’s desperate to officially lock down a man before the tabloids permanently assign her the role of the heartbroken, left-behind spinster.  Can we expect a Mexican wedding?  Aniston loves her some Mexico.  Though some say the couple has already scouted locations in Greece.  Do we trust him?  Fuck No.  We want pre-nup. As an occasional watcher of Basketball Wives, I sadly wasn’t at all surprised to catch word that Chad allegedly head-butted Evelyn after she confronted him over a receipt for condoms.  He was arrested and charged, and has since been released from his contract by the Miami DolphinsEvelyn suffered a gash on her forehead and has apparently moved out of the couple’s home.  The two got married about 5 weeks ago.  Real messy ya’ll.

Finally, True Blood officially sucks now, right?  Just checking.

 

Child Please, This is only the beginning…

Evelyn revealed a long-kept secret on last week’s Basketball Wives finale.  Perhaps angling for some extra camera time this season, Evelyn confessed to smashing Tami’s husband, Kenny Anderson, back in the day.  Tami took it as well as you might imagine. Several years after Lozada and Anderson’s affair, the tables have turned.  Now Evelyn’s engaged to marry rumored pussy-hound Chad Ochocinco.The Roman Candle proved payback’s a bitch when she dropped this delish doozy on part one of the reunion…

“So then I don’t need to tell you I fucked Chad.” And then Evelyn’s face looked like this. And then Royce broke out dancing.  In the immortal words of Mr. Ochocinco himself,Child Please, This is only the beginning.

Roman’s Revenge

Shaunie O’Neal has gifted us all with a little gem this Christmas in the form of the return of Tami Roman as the newest cast member of Basketball Wives.  Some folks may remember Tami’s spicy blend from the original Real World L.A., which aired waaay back in 1993 (before some ya’ll bitches was even born).  Tami famously demonstrated the double negative bitch bounce, “it wasn’t not funny,” before joining pitchforks with Beth and permanently running David out the house.  Observant ones know that this incident wasn’t the first or last time a black man has felt the sharp end of MTV‘s bigot stick.Since her days on MTV, Tami married and divorced Kenny AndersonTami and Kenny have two teenage daughters who Tami claims she’s raising (financially) alone.  Her fishy pre-nup story doesn’t jive with legal precedent, so there’s probably a whole lot more to that story then she’s admitting.  Kenny is currently remarried to an older version of Sagen from Running Russell Simmons and playing stay-at-home daddy to a new batch of kids.Tami brings a down-and-out element to the otherwise boughetto (credit Kandi Burruss via Ali & Murphey Lee) ensemble cast.  Already Evelyn and Jennifer got their noses in the air cracking on Roman’s food-stamp past.  Expect Tami’s ladylike self-restraint to maintain for about two more episodes, max.  Theme your Sunday morning brunches around a wig snatch ya’ll.