Tag Archives: friends

mizz tudie denkins

I’ve been dogsitting my best friend’s dog Tudie Denkins this week.  She is a 2 lb Maltese and the sweetest most lovable little dog you could ever meet.  I’ve enjoyed having her so much.  She follows me around, sits on my lap, sleeps curled up next to me in my armpit.  She doesn’t really bark.  She definitely never bites.  She just loves and sleeps.  That’s her jam, and that’s why I agreed to keep her while my friend was away.  CAM00859In having her in my home, I’ve realized a few other things about dog ownership.  It’s unexpectedly nice to have a reason to wake up and go right outside, breathe the morning air, and take my little pal on a walk.  Ditto with the night time routine and getting outside for fresh air before bed.  Tudie’s such a little cutie that no one can resist her.  I’ve met so many new people this week because of her adorable mug.  I have to return little Tudie back to her Ma tomorrow and it will be super hard to let her go.  It’s nice to have a warm little companion.  I get it dog people.  I get it.  Woof.CAM00852

Skills for Life: teenagers lie

TEENAGE KISSAs you know, I’m not a parent.  I don’t even have a pet.  My cayenne pepper plant is the closest thing to a being that depends on me, and it could probably survive on my porch for some time without intervention.  Even though I’m not a parent, I was a teenager.  And to quote Wendy Williams, I was a teenager who was “up to thangs.”  Drugs. Fighting. Musicians. Protests. Shows. Parties. Mischief. Jail.  Because of these experiences, I know when others are up to thangs.TRAFFIC BATHROOM FREEBASEI have a friend.  Well-educated and hard-working, she’s done exceptionally well for herself.  With no children of her own, she treats her family generously.  Years back, she promised her niece that if she met certain stipulations, my friend would take her to Europe for high school graduation.  Recently, the niece graduated.  True to her word, my friend planned a lovely trip overseas for the two of them.A ROOM WITH A VIEWTwo days after gradation and less than a week before their planned departure date, niece split her car between two trees driving drunk.  Thankfully, niece walked away unscathed as did her two passengers.  The collision destroyed the car.  One passenger fled on foot.  One stayed behind.  Niece called her parents.  Her parents awoke to the middle of the night call – a nightmare.  The concerned couple leapt from slumber to fetch a nearly-passed-out-drunk niece from a nearby location.BTW TREESThe family returned to the scene of the wreck.  When the tow truck was called to retrieve the crunched car, the tow truck driver informed the parents that he was obligated to notify the police because the property damage exceeded $1000.  While her parents are cleaning up her mess, niece is passed out drunk in the back seat of their car.LOHAN PASS OUTCops show up.  Dad says he’s the one that was driving.  Dad receives citation for reckless driving.  As a result, teenage drunk driving niece endures zero consequences for her extraordinarily reckless actions.  The next day, niece plays innocent and convinces naive parents that this is the first time she has ever driven drunk.  She appears contrite.  They allow her to go to Europe anyway.90210 IN PARISI think this response is total bullshit.  Not on my friend’s part.  She’s an innocent bystander in this situation just following through on her promise, and I admire her for that.  I’m looking at the parents in judgement.  Parents never want to believe the worst or the truth regarding their child (too often one in the same).  “The other kid was the ringleader… My kid was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”  I can’t with the excuses.  Your kid is a fucker.  I know this because I was a fucker.  I was up to thangs, and I relentlessly and pathologically lied to cover my ass.  Lying is what teenagers do.  Don’t take it personally.  Deception is a developmental stage.  Just don’t be gullible enough to believe the little liars – or worse reward them for their dishonorable behavior with a European vacation.BAD EGG

 

on friendship: shitty, mediocre, or exemplary?

TALKING SHITSome hateful bitches are talking smack about you.  A shitty friend adds to the gossip.  A mediocre friend remains sheepishly silent.  An exemplary friend ferociously defends you. CLUELESS FALLYou trip and fall flat on your ass in front of a crowd of people.  A shitty friend laughs.  A mediocre friend backs away fearing contamination by third-party embarrassment.  An exemplary friend scoops you up, asks if you are alright, and loudly proclaims “nothing to see here” as she escorts you to the bar for a recovery drink.JENNY MCCARTHY ENGAGEDYou get engaged and share the news.  A shitty friend informs you she slept with your fiancé a few years ago.  A mediocre friend offers a bland congratulations.  An exemplary friend says “I’m so happy for you” and really means it.  DADYour Dad dies.  A shitty friends sends you a sympathetic text.  A mediocre friend sends flowers.  An exemplary friend sends weed. BAG OF WEED

 

Most Annoying

LAUREN CONRADIt is most annoying when I am making plans with a friend and she frames the agenda around her boyfriend’s needs.  “My boyfriend wants to stay here.” or “I can’t.  My boyfriend’s work schedule changed.”  I get partnership, responsibility sharing and whatnot, but I don’t give a fuck about your boyfriend’s preferences.  I’m friends with you and not your boyfriend.  Chances are I’ve known you longer than you’ve known your boyfriend.  I was here before your boyfriend.  I will be here long after your boyfriend is gone.  Please remember that truth when you dick me to swing off your boyfriend’s nutsack.  Furthermore, your boyfriend would find you a lot more interesting if you had your own life and exercised a modicum of independence.NUTSACK

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KB

HAP COLORSPYBIRT EDITH HATDA LCY GINGHAMKBHAPPY BIRTHDAY PINUP

Skills for Life: Accountability

MISS WILCOXLately, accountability is my trigger.  I work really hard at keeping my word.  Sometimes I fail (eehhm late post), but when I act irresponsibly I feel it with a heavy heart.  Am I the only one?  Last month, I tried to plan a trip with a friend and she just wouldn’t get back to me.  I asked two different people to help with home repairs, both committed to a specific day, both bailed.  A friend still owes me money from this fall.  When I plan a dinner now, I just assume someone will back out with a bullshit excuse at the last minute – because someone always does. ACCOUNTABILITY DOODLE I was going deep with my friend the other night on the issue of accountability.  I was bitching about feeling let down.  She basically informed me my expectation that people follow through is unrealistic.  I should just accept that most people are flaky, and if I did I would feel less dismay.  No doubt there’s some wisdom there, but aren’t basement level expectations doing everyone a disservice?  I expect more out of myself, and I expect more out of you.  The universe is a tricky mistress.  As soon as I started sending out an energetic desire for accountability, who comes along to offer help?  An unusually sexy and handsome accountant.  For crying out loud.  ACCOUNTANT

“Stolen”

KEYS IGNITIONI ran into my friend and mentioned I hadn’t seen her in awhile.  She told me her car was stolen which curtailed her recent mobility.  After providing the obligatory and sincere “that sucks!”,  I started fishing for details.  Newish cars aren’t that easy to steal.  With a little tender probing, she confessed she left her unlocked car running with the keys in the ignition in front of her house.  Let’s put some air quotes around “stolen” girl.  IGNITITION

 

Tortoise Tuesday

CAM00591I met up with this tortoise in the hall today.CAM00592CAM00593 He stared me down.  I let him pass. CAM00595CAM00596CAM00598

Giving Granola

Think occasionally of the suffering of which you spare yourself the sight.

 - Albert SchweitzerHOMELESS HELP

For many years, I have struggled with how to respond to people standing on medians and corners waiving signs for money.  My knee-jerk response is at first sympathy, followed up immediately with a wallop of shame for my own abundance.  To talk myself out of doing something generous and to assauge my own guilt, I told myself that these desperate people were scammers or presumed how they might use any spare change I might give.  These excuses have never really sat quite right when deep down I knew I was just selfishly ignoring the obvious suffering of others.  BAD HEART GOD BLESSI consulted with my good friend Lisa, who has virtually single-handedly reformed syringe access legislation in Colorado (to support Lisa’s good work please visit and donate to the www.harmreductionactioncenter.org).  Lisa spends a significant amount of time involved with outreach, much of which involves contact with the homeless.  She’ll tell you stories that will crack your heart in two.  Seeing as I can’t afford to place cash to every outreached hand, I asked Lisa if she thought it would be appropriate to share food – granola bars – or something similarly individually pre-packaged – with those in need.  She concurred that from her experience with the community, this gesture would be welcomed and not ridiculed.    NEED HELPWouldn’t you know that just a day later, a rep for Kind Snacks stopped by my work and dropped off a few boxes of granola bars.  So technically, I was supposed to share the swag with my co-workers, but those bitches eat enough fucking granola, so I stashed the snacks in my car with the intention of distributing them to those lonely median-dwellers.  KIND BARSI’ve given out a few bars to different folks and the snacks are met with delight.  Yesterday, I gave a bar to a girl standing in the cold by an exit off-ramp.  The next day, at the same exit, in the same bitter cold, was the same girl.  I held another bar out the window.  She walked up to the car and took it from my hand.  HOMELESS HELP APPRECIATED

She lit up, “Thank you!  Did you give me one of these yesterday?”  

“Yes” I smiled back.

She looked at the bar in her hand, “These are good!  I was so hungry yesterday and I’m so hungry now.  Thank you so much.”

“I’m so glad you like them.” I choked back through a broken heart.

With this small exchange came total confirmation, and then the light turned green.  BIEBER GIVES