Tag Archives: George Clooney

gravitas

GRAVITYLast night, I saw Gravity with three friends.  The heavily-praised Gravity is the first movie that has gotten me back to the theater since the last mass shooting scared me away from dark crowded places.  I haven’t seen a movie in 3D since I was just a little dumpling and waaaaaaay back then the technology was seriously lacking.  For you old bitches who remember, in the eighties 3D meant tracers of red and green shadows more than an actual change in perception.  So I grabbed my bulletproof vest and headed out with my friends to my first 21st century 3D experience.  I am going to talk about the movie now, so I warn you….GRAVITY CLOONEY

***Spoiler Alert***BULLOCK GRAVITY

Everybody is just gush, gush, gushing about this film, and technically I admit it is superb.  Yet joining the river of gush isn’t my style, nor is it helpful to my loyal and discerning following.  All glory and goodness aside, here’s a fourstack of eyeroll on Gravity.GRAVITY1) Blame the woman.  A Russian spy satellite breaks apart and the debris has initiated a 90 minute orbit of destruction.  Sandra Bullock plays “Ryan” a glorified space mechanic who is trying to make repairs on a space station.  As the space debris begins to hurl towards the astronauts (and the audience, it’s 3D!), Bullock continues to unconvincingly twiddle around clumsily in her oversized space gloves thereby momentarily delaying her return to the airlock.  Even though Ryan’s character has nothing to do with the destruction of the Russian spy satellite, later in the movie she actually apologizes to Clooney in a little girl voice.  Forget the Russians, if there is a vagina in space then blame it!  Obviously, it is the source of all evil!  GRAVITY DEBRIS2) Objectify the woman.  We learn in the first five seconds that space is hundreds of degrees below zero, without oxygen, and weightless.  Gravity describes space as “impossible.”  In a number of scenes, we see the astronauts’ breath fog it is so cold.  The sun comes only in glimpses.  So please explain to me why when Sandra removes her astronaut suit she’s wearing booty shorts and a tank top?  Really?  It is so cold that objects freeze solid, but Sandra’s rocking a short-short in space.  How do you pick a wedgie in a space suit?  For fucksake.  They will force female exploitation into every last crevice of cinema even where it doesn’t belong.  Sandra Bullock’s ass, while perfectly acceptable, is not germane to the narrative.REALLY GRAVITY3) Just grab something bitch!  Everything that can go wrong does go wrong which is the essence of Gravity’s realism.  What isn’t realistic is trained astronauts making the same rookie mistake over and over again even with extensive training.  Cuarón uses the same anxiety-inducing, ultimately tiresome manipulative set up: astronauts hurls towards large floating metal scaffolding and must grasp hold of the station or be set adrift in space.  One or two shots of them grasping at hand holds is exciting.  Towards the end, the audience is frustratingly screaming at the screen “GET A FOOT HOLD BITCH!”  Where is your upper body strength?  G-SUS.  Needless to say, “the breathless grasp” as we’ll call it, is an overused tension-creating device in Gravity.HANG ON GRAVITY4) Have the guts to let Gravity be what it is.  I understand Gravity to be a visual depiction of the physical manifestation of the profound loneliness we feel as an intrinsic and cruel part of the human condition.  We are born alone.  We die alone.  Everything in-between is an attempt to feel not so alone.  Gravity dickslaps you in the face with existential loneliness (now in 3D!).  I won’t straight-up spoil the ending, but I will describe it as “tidy.”  The cowardly crowd-pleasing finale diminishes the overall message.  It would have been much braver to go with an authentic conclusion consistent with the story’s challenging themes.GRAVITY ALONE

 

2012 Oscars Style Review: The Best, The Worst, The Most, The Toast

The Best: Emma Stone in Giambattista Valli

This gorgeous gown fit her body perfectly, accentuated her tiny waist, and stood out in a sea of mediocrity.  Don’t love the accessories, but I’m not in the mood to quibble.

You Saw It Here First: Shailene Woodley in Valentino Couture

Fresh from the couture collections, Shailene Woodley wore this modern, white, long-sleeved number.  It might look familiar since we featured it as part of the best of Fall 2012 Couture earlier this month.  It’s a little old for her, and her face would benefit from a pop of color, but not a flop by any means.

Most Confusing: Viola Davis in Vera Wang

This looks like the homicide of Puff the Magic Dragon.  A full-on unmitigated lapse in aesthetic judgment.

Fulfilled Potential: Tina Fey in Carolina Herrera

We’ve all been waiting for Tina Fey to step out looking this good.  Finally, she’s really come into her own in this navy peplum-detailed gown.

Evoking a Cult Leader: Gwyneth Paltrow in Tom Ford

I’m not saying I don’t like this, but she’s delivering a whole lot of white here.  Can’t you picture her standing at a podium condescendingly addressing an arena full of Goopies in this odd get-up?   “Follow me, affluent women, to the land of organic peas…”

Most Offensive Overtry: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad

Nude illusion Fruit Stripe Gum.

Culmination of a Bad Fashion Awards Season Run: Jessica Chastain

Fashion-wise, Chastain hasn’t found her identity.  Her style choices were as varied and uneven as her performances this year.  It looks like she skinned Kimora Lee’s sofa.  Let this be a lesson – McQueen is not for everyone.

Let Me Upgrade You: Clooney in Armani, Keibler in Marchesa

Clooney’s clout ensures his girls-of-the-moment have access to all the best fashion houses and some very high-end clothes, but even in all their borrowed sartorial finery, his dates still look like they should be holding cards above their heads in the middle of a wrestling ring.

Most Predictable: Pitt in Tom Ford and Jolie in Versace Atelier

I’m so bored with these two.  Oh, how fucking shocking you two bitches showed up in black.  Close your legs dear, you’re not dancing the can-can.  Ever since I heard that thing she said to him at the Globes, I’ve kinda hated them.  She turned to him and said “you’re prettier than me.”  Fucking voms yo.

The Bridesmaids: Kristin Wiig in J. Mendel

While the bodice of this dress is tailored beautifully for her body, the placement of the break into the texture is awkward and unflattering.

Melissa McCarthy in Marina Rinaldi

Are we calling this mauve?  I’m pretty sure we issued a fatwa on mauve at the end of the 80′s.

Maya Rudolph in Johanna Johnson

Here’s one of the few purple looks of the night.  It’s a safe, conservative, and unoffensive choice.  The side-swept hair is very Mariah.

Building Relationships Pays Off: Octavia Spencer in Tadashi Shoji

After favorable reviews from fashion folk for her Globes look, Octavia went back to Tadashi Shoji for her Oscar gown.  Clearly, cultivating that relationship has paid off; the designer knows her body and the fit is beautiful.  Second best of the night.

Dress I wanna like, but Don’t: Cameron Diaz in Gucci

I really want to like this Gucci gown, but I don’t.  She needs a waist and this dress gives her no shape through the torso.  It reminds me of a melting chocolate and vanilla soft-serve twist cone.

Consistently Wasted Potential: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton

This dress is too fussy, ill-fitting, and heavy for such a delicate wisp of a girl.  This ensemble ain’t right – the necklace, the bag (and I get where they are going with the clash, but here, no), and that gawd awful frump of a saloon-girl-gone-wrong disaster of a frock.

Sure to be Critically EvisceratedRooney Mara in Givenchy

No one will get this.  Even if they did, the cut isn’t flattering to her body.  If you do avant-garde, you have to do it impeccably.

Post-baby Blah: Natalie Portman in vintage Dior

She gave birth to a new era of shitty style.

Two A-List Underwhelmers: Sandra Bullock in Marchesa and Penelope Cruz in Giorgio Armani.

Sandra’s dress isn’t doing her body any favors.  Is a gold shrub trying to munch her bush?  WTF?  Pene, you are almost forty, enough with the princess shit.  Join us in 2012.

2012 SAG Awards: saggy nutsackery

No single attendee of the the 2012 SAG Awards snatched “best dressed” by a landslide; rather this red carpet showed subtle improvements – like Tilda Swinton in Lanvin, and not so subtle disappointments like a gawd-awful green Emily Blunt in Oscar de la RentaMany will point to Lea Michele in Versace as best dressed.  Does she look good?  Yes.  Would I be disgusted with myself to name her best dressed?  Yes.  I’m just not personally feeling this silhouette right now.  Even though certain designers are pushing this awkward tea length it’s so hard to wear, as proven by Emma Stone in Alexander McQueen. Michelle Williams wore Valentino.  From the waist up, it is magnificent.  The shoes and bracelet aren’t right.  I’m torn on the subtle asymmetrical hem.  She werks the Mia Farrow better than anyone, no?Jessica Chastain let Calvin Klein sculpt her bosom to delightful results.  One of the best of the night.  What the fuck Kristen Wiig?  Explain this deranged necklace choice.  Shame on you for ruining a Balanciaga with a bad choker. Shall we discuss the couples?  Pitt wore Balenciaga and Jolie wore a Jenny Packham gown reminiscent of a Hefty bag.  Clooney wore Armani and Keibler wore a boring black lace Marchesa.  Is the dress boring or is she?  Both?Me likey Melissa McCarthy’s drapey Badgley Mischka and Natalie Portman in Giambattista Valli too. Glenn Close went big in Zac PosenDiane Lane wasted her incredible body in David Meister. Vergara and Bowen in Marchesa and Temperely London respectively.  I’m not moved by either.Weird whites: Rose Byrne taking a risk in a jumpsuit, (p.s. Is she filming the Anna Wintour biopic with that new hair?)…Zoe Saldana wore Givenchy and it didn’t photograph well.  Viola Davis brought the twins to the party in Marchesa. Let’s end on a high note with Kyra in Pucci, though let this serve as a cautionary tale against tattoos.  The ink on the rib cheapens the look.

Arrested

E! recently made a genius programming decision by upgrading Fashion Police to a weekly series.  Joan Rivers has never been sharper as the Grand Dame presiding over a panel which includes Kelly Osbourne, Giuliana Rancic, and George Kotsiopoulos.

With segments called “Starlet or Streetwalker?” and “Bitch Stole My Look,” this show doesn’t pander to the celebrity ego.  Joan, above reproach at her age, gets away with saying Taylor Swift must be bad in bed, and George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis make a stylish lesbian couple. Speaking of Giuliana, we don’t do baby here at Demeter Clarc, but didja all happen to catch Giuliana and Bill on Friday’s View pimping their new book on their miscarriage press tour?  We all sympathize with the couple for sure, but my inner cynic recoils at the notion of leveraging this kind of loss to bolster book sales and promote the upcoming season of a reality show.While Giuliana has a comforting chipmunky quality, sort of a Katie Couric for Carrie Bradshaw disciples, a ravenous, fame-seeking beast pulses beneath her perky veneer.  Even though the couple’s intentions to share their struggles may come from a pure place, the decision to craft their image around reproductive challenges is a risky strategy indeed.  What if they have five miscarriages before they conceive?  What if they never conceive?  Is the public now privy to every detail since they have offered up the most private part of themselves in exchange for fame?Speaking of late-thirties baby news, OK! reports Rachel Zoe has finally dulled the ache in Rodger’s pussy by incubating their very own Scarlet Begonia this awards season.  Mazel Rach and Rodg!