Tag Archives: Gina

Bethenny Ever After: Becoming Bernadette

This episode of Bethenny Ever After started in Dr. Amador’s office and flashed back through the previous week of escalating crazy.  Bravo should have structured the entire season this way and re-titled it Narcissist in the City.  Rumors circulate about Bethenny exercising EP power to have portions of the episodes re-edited so she appears more likable.  If that’s true, you have to wonder what this episode looked like before it was softened.  So without further ado, let us commence the countdown to BFrank’s big breakdown.First up, Gina informed Bethenny that she was having surgery at the end of the week, and therefore their time must come to an end.  Through tears, the two tried to envision a future apart.  After claiming G as family, Bethenny seemed mostly concerned about a replacement nanny and how this crisis might inconvenience her skating schedule.  Bethenny didn’t offer support, financial or otherwise, to Gina at any point in the conversation.  This is how rich people treat their help “family?”The whole family arrived in L.A. for Bethenny’s debut performance on Skating with the StarsJason and Bethenny drove around Beverly Hills and contemplated which area of L.A. might suit them best for a future move.  The two stopped at an empty house for sale and jumped the fence.  Feeling ultra-rebellious at first, they soon started to panic.  Getting back over the fence proved even less graceful, and Jason complained of a thumb injury while hoisting B up and over in her thigh-high boots – the worst footwear possible for a stealth breaking and entering.Bethenny performed beautifully for her first-ever televised skating routine.  Was she stiff and stifled?  A little, but as a premiere showing, she did better than the 5s she received from the judges.  Out the gate, she failed to evoke any good will from the panel.  Before the judges comments, the public criticism aspect of the competition obviously hadn’t dawned on Bethenny.  Getting picked apart like that ain’t easy.  When the feedback wasn’t all roses and sunshine, her spirit palpably plummeted.

Back in NYC, Chef Bethenny prepped for Bryn’s first Thanksgiving.  Due to technical difficulties, the turkey wasn’t cooked through and Bethenny started snapping at everyone’s attempts to console her.  Julie, Jason, the Grandparents Hoppy, and even the ancillary ghub got the sharp end of her Scorpio stinger.  When she finished screaming at her guests, Bethenny stormed off to her bedroom to pop a Xanax pout.Back to the therapist couch, Dr. Amador asked Bethenny what Thanksgiving was like for her growing up.  Bethenny said her Mom (Bernadette serving a little Priscilla Presley below) was a really good cook, but a perfectionist.  If for any reason things weren’t perfect, according to Bethenny her Mom would flip out.The phrase “walking on eggshells” popped up several times in this episode, and it dawned on Bethenny that she recreated the very scenario she resented growing up.“I end up sucking a lot of energy out of the room, and when I’m not happy it ends up being quite contagious.”The paradigm-shifting epiphany sent Bethenny into an existential tailspin where she recognized how she mirrored Bernadette in so many ways.  And like so many others before her, Bethenny was horrified at the realization that she too had become her mother.Think how distressed she’ll be when she realizes in about 30 years Bryn will be having the exact same nauseating moment of self-awareness.

Bethenny Ever After: Bethenny’s Bad Birthday Behavior

The world’s most attentive grandparents plotted with Gina to get an antique dressform to the party place without triggering Bethenny’s suspicions.  Gina blew the cahoots.  Rather than circle the block with the baby to kill a little time, she returned home and received a terse verbal lashing about “poor planning” from bitchy birthday Bethenny.Bethenny claims not to care about clothes much, and while she generally looks decent, her personal style isn’t particularly fashion-forward.  While whining about wardrobe, Bethenny took a twirl in a few different options and sought approval from the peanut gallery.The first dress had a full skirt and an asymmetrical neckline.  Julie liked it, but she wasn’t sure it was right for that night.Second, B tried on the “wonder woman” gold-belted cocktail number.  Without a good full length shot, it’s hard to tell, but from what was shown, this one was best.  However, no one in the room had the taste level to discern that it was the most flattering, so Bethenny moved on to…We’ve seen variations of these looks on her before, and even with a body as toned as Bethenny’s, shiny fabric brutally betrays forty years of bitter reality.In perhaps her most annoying and childish move of the season, Bethenny curled up in a ball with her dog on the floor of her closet and whimpered in a baby voice.  This bitch is forty.  4-0.Jason and his parents returned home to find Bethenny having her makeup done in the middle of the apartment.  With no sense of irony, Bethenny started crying to Jason about not wanting all this attention and wanting to be left alone.  Nobody’s stopping you from walking right out the door Bethenny.  Don’t let the boom mic hit you on the way out.As everyone around flitted about trying to make everything perfect for her party, Bethenny commiserated with the make-up artist about the “birthday blues.”While Bethenny whines about not wanting it to be all about her, these attention-seeking complaints keep drawing energy in her direction.  A less selfish person might just smile and let everyone enjoy the party; accept well-wishes and gifts with grace.  A self-centered person throws a fit and wears everyone out with her high-maintenance emotional messiness.While getting her weave worked, B had a fashinspiration and broke out a well-tailored skinny tux with her shapewear cami underneath.  When in doubt, pimp the product.In the car, Bethenny couldn’t even muster enough enthusiasm for a real kiss.  Later in his interview segment, Jason admitted that he wished she’d just suck it up.  For once Jason, we agree.Shawn worked like a hog during truffle season to root a “thank you” out of Bethenny for his gratis party planning.  She did say it was “perfect” and “not to stress,” but she did not pull him aside, look him in the eye, and truly acknowledge his efforts.  That’s the problem with free stuff: it is often wasted on the undeserving and ungrateful.Bethenny worked the crowd catching up with Alex and Simon, Ramona, Lauren and many others.  Ramona advised Bethenny to do the most important things first, and if the rest gets done, it gets done.  Preach Ramona.A few dreaded surprises ramped up to the big birthday breakdown.  First, Teri showed up from Florida and lorded over Bethenny that she made it to party even though Bethenny didn’t come to hers.  The guilt-trip triggered tears, and from there it was all down hill.Jason called Bethenny up for the birthday toast where he set up the big gift reveal. 

And then……

Wah. Wah.

Let’s talk about what went wrong here.  That stupid sign needs to go.  Shawn should have 86’d that cutesy shit from the get.  Credit Grandma with that corniness.  Remove the apron, so we can actually see the form.  Note to the grandparents: women under 55 do not wear un-ironic brooches.

Awkward became intensely strange and uncomfortable when Bethenny took the mic from Jason and babbled on until he snatched it back for a toast.  On the brink of tears, Bethenny fled to one side of the bar and Jason to the other.  When Ramona started yapping on about “raw love,” Bethenny turned on her heels and grabbed Jason and pulled him into the bathroom.Bethenny wailed hysterically and kept apologizing to Jason as she became increasingly unwound.  When Ramona looked at Bethenny like she was Kelly Bensimon, it was obvious just how emotionally off-center the event had become.Just to end it with a bang, a quartet of waiters brought out a super-sparkler topped cake.  The pyrotechnics required so much energy to extinguish that Bethenny split her pants.

In response to the pant-splitting, Grandma Hoppy sealed the evening with kiss when she asked, “Did you fart?”

Bethenny Ever After: baptism by fire and Brynstone

This week’s Bethenny Ever After reminded us just how offensive folks can be while hiding behind a shield of overprotective parenting philosophies.  Gina brought the Hoppy Family outside the ivory towers of TriBeCa to Brooklyn to enjoy the Yoruba–Orisha Baptist Church.  Those of you who paid attention in undergrad may remember Yoruba as a religion geographically rooted in Nigeria and Benin, that traveled with the people, and subsequently flourished in parts of the Caribbean and South America.  The flavor of this particular church blends Christian Baptist and Yoruba traditions.Bethenny and Jason marveled at the congregants like they were a tribe of primitive aboriginals.  The two commented on their “exotic” dress and head-wear as Bravo layered the cheapest canned “island beats” they could afford into the background.Even though every single other woman in the room had their head covered, Bethenny didn’t seem to take the hint that she needed to cover her hair as a sign of respect, so one of the women helped her out by offering a scarf.  Despite the obvious religious significance, both Bethenny and Jason seemed to confuse the gesture of humility with a fashion statement and giggled like school kids about the aesthetic.Instead of wondering about whether her Fredrick’s of Hollywood hand-me-down lingerie was supporting those billowy garments (sidebar: Who the fuck donates skanky used lingerie to a baptist church?), it should have occurred to Bethenny to cover her legs, or better yet, her crotch when visiting a place of worship.  The concept of modesty as a gesture of reverence apparently never entered her mind.The tour through Offensiville didn’t stop there.  Jason thought it appropriate to crack several jokes about “The Spirit” entering Bryn, and generally mocked the traditions of the congregation, all while sitting front row in a church that took special effort to honor his family.Based on the footage shown, it is pretty difficult to ascertain exactly how many conversations transpired between Gina and the Parents Hoppy prior to the event, but it is pretty obvious that there was a failure to manage expectations all around.Clearly, the blessing was indeed a baptism.  Specifically, the words “that she may be baptized with water received into Christ’s Holy Church” were uttered, and admittedly it doesn’t get much more baptismal than that.Jason just kept repeating, “it’ll be over in a minute.”  Pastor Wilkinson cradled Bryn and dabbed water on her forehead as the congregation sang and clapped.  Bethenny completely lost her shit and told Gina she wasn’t comfortable with all these black people touching her white babyShe started to maneuver around the group looking for an opening to snatch Bryn back.  When she got her opportunity, she grabbed the baby and made a run for it – right down the aisle out the church doors onto the sidewalk.Gina kept assuring the couple, against the weight of the evidence, that it wasn’t a baptism. Jason’s panties were especially knotted over the fact that his parents missed the impromptu saving.  Always with the parents Jason – seriously, enough with the parents already.Back at home, Bethenny and Jason reinforced each other’s bad behavior and justified their over-reaction by chalking it up to primal parenting instincts.  Weirder yet, the experience convinced Bethenny that she wanted Bryn baptized Catholic – because the church has such a sterling history with children?Since fame has replaced her non-paid friends, Bethenny asked Julie to be Bryn’s Godmother.  Julie seemed genuinely touched, and she does heart Bryn.On the day of the christening, Father Daly kept calling Bethenny “Brittany,” and limply phoned-in what was likely his fortieth baby bath of the year.  Of the two ceremonies, who wouldn’t prefer Gina’s jubilation and song over Father Daly’s anointing oil and an evil-nature-of-man ethos?

Team Gina!

Bethenny Ever After: very nice to meet you

This week Bethenny snatched Bryn for a morning corner store run while Gina caught up on her beauty rest.  Since Bryn sleeps through the night, Bethenny contemplates why Gina’s still residing in the nursery.Bethenny and Jason did some market research on Skinnygirl Margarita by hitting their local liquor store.  After discussing the supply issues with the owner, the two took a step out front where Bethenny again pressured Jason to sort out the problems with her business.  Bethenny wants heads to roll, but she doesn’t want to pick up the axe.  She’s exhausting with her all-bark-no-bite personality.  Nut up or shut up.  (Sidenote: predictions of 1 million cases sold in 2011?  Folks are buying?)Food God Nick delivered rosemary focaccia baglunch from an underground sandwich shop and he and Bethenny discussed the best food carts.  Bethenny offered to give Nick a blog within her website, and the two spent several minutes bandying about ideas.Then out came Bryn, and Nick looked at her very sincerely and said, “very nice to meet you.”  This kid is too much.  Episode highlight.

In therapy Bethenny discussed bringing Jason into the business.  This bitch doesn’t know what she wants.  Out the gate, she states clearly, “I need a chief under me.”  Dr. Amador then asked whether Jason would be working for Bethenny or with her.  Without missing a beat she said, “with me.”  Which is it Bethenny?  Is he under you or beside you?Then it kinda seemed like Dr. Amador was trying to drop B off his therapeutic nutsack, but she wasn’t having it.  She just kept repeating, “You cannot break up with me.”  Awkward.For Gina’s birthday, Bethenny took her to the day spa for a little mani/pedi.  Gina seemed more interested in whether they “waxed vaginas.”  While their feet got werked, Gina explained the source of her bitterness.  She accuses her husband of removing her name from a deed to property she purchased in Trinidad.  Don’t worry too much about Gina.  She’ll break out some island justice on his azz.Bethenny finally decided to confront the minimally helpful assistant Max.  Rather than dealing with the issue weeks ago, Bethenny’s been stewing on her dissatisfaction with his job performance.  As she lectured him about professionalism and appropriateness, it never fully crystallized whether she was firing or just warning him.This show should be renamed Bethenny Bungles Her Business because she kinda sucks at managing things at Skinnygirl headquarters.  Bad hiring decisions, unclear communication, abdication of responsibility, failure to set limits – bossy-biz Bethenny is a hot-ass ineffectual mess.  (Legal disclaimer: all opinions here).  Food God Nick and Bethenny met up for a food crawl.  She seemed outraged by the news that he didn’t eat red meat, and this confession slowed the momentum of the entire adventure.  After, the two met up with Jason and Bryn and got faded on spiked smoothies.Wrapping up this week, Bethenny bestowed Gina with a red velvet birthday cake.  Gina seized the moment to inform Bethenny that she’s planning to stay on until May.  Well played Gina.  Well played.