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Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala. The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there). The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion. If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is? Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction. I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win. Is she fucking with us? I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform. Nude illusion, really girl? Pink shiny too short long sleeves? What? A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink? Incomprehensible. How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year? So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci. I’m not sure we can blame him. All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot. Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe. The gloves are totally freaking me out. Hand camo. Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style. I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown. I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right? Do we like Annie as a blonde? I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan. I do love the orange lip and fishnets. Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment. In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously. She smacks of try. The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior. Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP? Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. Topshop dressed Nicole Richie. The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair. Punk Glam Granny?Opa! Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen. What did she do to her face?Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart. Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately. She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung. She’s our modern day Audrey. Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked. Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately. Applause. Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume. For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up. You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte. Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem. The makeup is the best ever for her. Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else. Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala? Sheesh. Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch? Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga. Die for the safety pin. It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be. Fucking chic.Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors. The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen! Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. May we all be this ravishing at her age. Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper.
Calm down Gisele. (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).
First, as predicted by many, Nashville lived up to its golden pedigree. This isn’t a show about country music per se. It is a modern soap set in a town run by country music (which is a meaningful difference). Connie Britton hasn’t ever disappointed me, and I’m so happy to see her strong performance drive this staring vehicle. Hayden Panettiere isn’t really that good of an actress so I’m assuming she was typecast because she delivers a surprisingly nuanced performance. In sum, Nashville is worth tolerating a twang for.
Are we boycotting the Isabel Marant knockoffs? Some of the downmarket versions are cute, but isn’t it embarrassing to wear something when the inspiration is so obviously stolen? A quandary for sure, especially for those on a budget. My opinion? The copies I’ve seen are a little too close, but not close enough to get it quite right. This time save up for the real thing or pass altogether on this tired trend and start a new look that’s all your own. With autumn comes a vengeance of sneezers and coughers. I know these cold sufferers are feeling really sorry for themselves, but seriously, cover your mouth and wash your hands. Here’s a novel notion: if you are that sick, stay home, sip tea, and ask yourself why you were Patient Zero among your clan during this season of sickness.
In the market for new workout wear? I get so many compliments on my Margarita yoga pants made by hand in Israel. They hold up as well as Lulu, but have much more personality.
As those of us with a pulse know, last night the Met Gala threw down in NYC. The ball celebrated the opening of the exhibit Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations at the Costume Institute. Let’s have a conversation about the fucking weird ass choices some of these bitches made last night. It is hard to know where to start, so let’s start with some one who should know better. Rachel Zoe looks like a fringed push pop in this ridiculous-on-her frock. Zoe styled Karolina Kurkova (where you been girl?) in a gown from her eponymous line. The dress appears to have been heavily influenced by the Armani gown Zoe dressed Anne Hathaway in for the Oscars not too long ago – that Zoe, always full of fresh ideas.Beyoncé loves that stupid ass pose. Who the fuck stands like that in real life? The way she stiffly palms her outer thighs is so forced and unnatural. Do we need to talk about this Givenchy Couture? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it seems to me that Givenchy cares more about appearing on the red carpet than maintaining a high standard of brand integrity. By my totally unscientific estimation, about one in ten times Givenchy gets it right with their red carpet loaners. Sorry B, this is definitely not one of those times. I hate almost every single thing about this dress. It took some nutz for Christina Ricci to rock this odd Thakoon number. It isn’t perfect, but it is courageous. Is she going through another praying mantis phase or is it just a pre-Met crash diet?If Laura Ashley and a flora chintz sofa made a bastard love child, this Valentino blanket that SJP is wearing would be the unholy spawn. Jessica Paré wore the shit out of this L’Wren Scott gold cap sleeve. No dummy, our little Megan obviously plans to squeeze every last drop of exposure from her Mad Men supporting role. Good for her, this was one of the better ensembles of the evening. From one Mrs. Draper to another, January Jones typically pushes boundaries, at times at the expense of flattery. The more I look at this sculpted Versace, the less it offends me. Yeah, the peplum has been overdone this season, and yeah yellow and black tends to evoke bumble bee, but I think this is a bold and interesting post-baby choice. She’s done worse. Lately, Emma Stone has made me forget why I like her. The color, shape, texture, and timing of this Lanvin cocktail frock is all wrong for this season and this event. Did she get lost on her way to homecoming?Carey Mulligan co-hosted the event and wore this shield to protect her soul from the despotic clutches of Anna Wintour. Paltrow predictably in Prada presenting a pinch of side boob. Have we reached a consensus on whether she conservatively augmented her tatas after Moses? If she’s going to continue to push those absurd Tracy Anderson workouts then she might want to actually wear something that celebrates her hard-fought body. Unfinished is the word I would use to describe this look.Is Cameron just straight up old now or what? Squint – is this Sharon Stone or Cameron Diaz? Stella McCartney provided the matronly gown. Stella McCartney is just mean with some of the ugly ass shit she makes her friends wear, damn.Claire Danes evoked a little Betty Draper from the neck up, which was a welcome departure from her minimalist tendency. J Mendel conceived of the ill-fitting garment. The cut accentuates her tiny top and then betrays her by creating the illusion of a big bottom. Face it, she’s serving sleeveless bathrobe. First, why are these two getting married? I dislike them each individually more when they are together. Biel looks like she hemmed that dress with two-sided tape 5 minutes before she strode onto the carpet. We all know very well that Jessica Biel couldn’t dress herself if she were locked in a Chanel store. When it comes to Biel, the expectations are very low. Yet she still repeatedly fails to meet them. Much like Justin Timberlake’s acting career. Dunst looks pissed. I’d be pissed to if I wore that random shit to the fashion event of the year. I hate this evening suit almost as much as I hate that overrated Melancholia.Hey Flo! I truly appreciate your willingness to go balls to the wall. At Coachella, you served me desert couture and I’m grateful for it. However, you are not Lady Gaga. This fussy layered McQueen is an overreach that reads more costume than gala. Prabal Gurung is a pimp. That’s called swagger bitches. Recognize. One of the best dressed of the evening – Marion Cotillard in head to toe Dior. Don’t usually love a sheer bottom, but this dress photographs and fits beautifully. J’adore. We saw quite a few subtle variations on a very similar look; here Rihanna does the long-sleeved reflective column in black Tom Ford. Snooze. Scarjo no! This embellished, pink, antiquated Dolce & Gabbana mess had no bizness at the Met Gala. I need more modernity from you Scarlett! You are not a little girl anymore; evolve past this princessy shit. Bad Grandma! Bad, bad Grandma! We told you not to leave Shady Pines without a nurse’s aid. Oh wait, that’s just Mary Kate at the Met Gala. Jessica Alba improved over last year, but she should have worn this dress then when this Michael Kors metallic lamé might have felt fresh. Did Brad Goreski style her again this year?The unofficial perennial Prom King and Queen of the Met Ball, Gisele and Tom stuck to boring black this year. Is it me or does that photo reveal a bit of tension between the power couple?
Hey Kanye, Anna wouldn’t let you bring Kim?
In the last two weeks, 2 different white women in their forties spoke racist comments to me. I have a hunch these affluent white women would describe themselves as liberal, educated, well-traveled, and certainly not racist. White devils abound lurking in unexpected places. The question becomes: how to seize the moment to educate rather than condone or chastise? In truth, the first comment was a drive-by, so I didn’t have an opportunity to ask her what the fuck she meant by her derogatory statement. Still feeling the resonance of the oversight, when the next bigot bomb dropped from a second source, I was more prepared with a rebuttal. At first I asked what she meant by what she said, then I asked her why she felt that way. I let her explain her experience, and tried to point out both her hysteria and complicity in the situation she described. Did I drastically change her views and prejudices? Perhaps not, but I would consider it a small victory if her notions infinitesimally shifted in a less hateful direction. White people make me tired. Maybe it’s just these unrelenting 5:00 am mornings? Naaw, it’s the white people.
Happy Birthday Aquarius! Neptune enters the scene this month for Aquarius, leaving you cloudy, burry, and seeing life through a Vaseline-coated lens. This is not the month for communication, big decisions, or executing plans. Seek a second opinion from a trusted expert if you must move ahead with major moments in February. This phase of lapsed judgment will pass as the stars change, so don’t panic. Stick to habits, routines, and grounding activities. Your greatest moments of clarity will come from artistic expression, so put energy towards painting, sewing, dancing, or whatever your form of creativity. The theme of your romantic life this month should be STFU. Don’t whine and keep your feelings to yourself. You will save yourself from a mountain full of unnecessary drama, and others will not only notice, but admire your silent suffering.
Pisces turn inward this February and regroup with periods of peaceful isolation. To move forward, Pisces must formulate a plan without distraction. Money has never been of greater concern, and financial strategy becomes an essential part of charting the course ahead. Get ultra organized, follow a schedule, and handle your bizness. As you well know, time is passing quickly. Do not let it pass you by. As for love, inhibitions leave you uncommunicative, and you rightly sense a general lack of receptivity to your ideas. If relations become too strained, take a break.
The theme for Aries in February is caretaking. Take care of yourself, family, friends and animals. Clean the house. Bake a muffin. Make others feel loved and important. Push through daily goals. Receive acknowledgments, praise, and recognition with tact. In intimate relations, frustrated desires and obstacles trigger anger resulting in rash behavior and ultimately regret. Control that fiery temper in the face of unavoidable conflict and confrontation.
Taurus splits energy between two areas this February: spirituality and law. First, the strictures and confines of traditional religion comfort Taurus, and now more than ever you may feel drawn to worship in the traditional sense. Feel no shame in exploring this path further. Legal matters take practical precedence. Document drafting, financial planning, and future predictions mix together to make or break the venture. Provide authentic and accurate information.
Geminis always feel a bit put upon, like no one appreciates their gifts. Give the constant quest for recognition a rest, and turn your energy towards your financial resources. Are you allocating them wisely? Tend to debts and everything you and your partner hold in common. Speaking of partners, perplexing relationship issues seem clear to you now. Geminis begin to understand their part and the part their honeys play in relationship breakdowns. Patience, compassion, and kindness smooth rough patches.
February continues a theme of balance and stability which extends throughout 2012. To really feel heard, you need to share your troubles with those around you. The wise advice of your confidants proves especially helpful and soothing. Listen to your intuition and avoid involvements that feel uncomfortable. This time you’ll get a second bite at the apple. When on a pessimistic jag, Cancers can get a little me-against-the-world. Don’t give into that self-pitying tendency. Indulge it, and you’ll end up feeling overwhelmed and pressured.
Leos must balance practicality against romanticism and provide a generous allotment of time for both. Professionally, get organized and maximize your contribution by remaining orderly and efficient. Make deliberate and mindful decisions. This is not the month to play therapist with troubled co-workers. At most, help colleagues with new methods. Play with puppies, ride horses, and walk the dog. Now is the time for the joy of animals. Leos fan the flames of romance this Valentine’s Day, and your effort is noticed and appreciated by the recipient of all your good woo. Leos relax competitiveness, work to please and create harmony. Someone will try and seduce you; only you can decide if you want to fuck.
Spend energy showing others how much you care this February Virgo. Repair any frayed relationship edges. Put your own concerns aside and offer others sustenance and praise. You will receive great blessings for your generosity. Unfortunately this February won’t be particularly romantic. Discord plagues personal relationships. Finding meaningful emotional connections proves challenging this month. This fleeting phase will pass, so don’t overreact. Closeness resumes between you and your partner as the stars change. Allow this energy to pass without forcing any issues and all will return to normal soon.
Libras need to tie up loose ends in February. Envision the end result and then consider how to methodically implement order and complete the unfinished. Picturing goals accomplished conjures magic that will help Libras spin action into manifestation. Remain patient. Use talents for the benefit of others. You will shine brightest when you share your resources. Appreciation and positivity follows. A beneficial opportunity may arise from an opportunity or contact.
Scorpios look to find their highest purpose and means of serving this year. You must communicate values, ideals, and beliefs to shape your destiny. Chat with neighbors, reach out to family, and keep the lines of communication open. Honor responsibilities and commitments. So few folks are reliable; take pride in your dependability. Now more than ever, Scorpios crave love, affection, beauty and pleasure. Impulse control might be a problem for Scorpios who haven’t learned to manage their baser instincts. Lingering unhappiness in a close relationship surfaces now. Discuss your concerns, make an effort and see what happens. Short trips provide beneficial insights.
Ambition surges through Sags in February. This is a time to define and determine your values. Give thoughtfully. Surprise your loved ones with unexpected tokens of affection. These small gestures create indelible memories for the recipients. Sags reap rewards when they let go of expectation. Extra charming, your flirting boosts the confidence of those around you. Those in your circle perceive you as loving, affectionate, and aware of their needs and feelings. Because of your strong relationships, others are willing to help and cooperate with your trajectory.
Capricorns focus on health and creating a lifestyle which supports wellness. With this new regimen of self-care, you will take on a new glow and even the Sun will shine a little brighter. Capricorns spin self-esteem out of accomplishment. The New Moon brings old conflicts. The easiest solution is to flee the scene. Strange, cryptic, or unsettling moments are actually disguised compliments. Unexpected friendly messages arrive from unlikely sources. While you may not understand, listen. Use honesty and share. Avoid assumptions.
Hey friends, DC loyalist Leah Love wrote asking about giving good gams. Her letter appears (with permission) below.
Sooooo, I need your advice: liquid pantyhose? I’ve been anti-hose
since the mid-90s, especially the nude ones. Occasionally during the
winter time I will wear some sheer black stockings, but that’s about
it. But now that I’m in my mid-30s and have been in a car accident, a
motorcycle accident, broken my leg twice (separate from the motor
vehicle accidents btw), torn my meniscus, and had a tumor removed from
my leg, I have some weird coloration in a couple spots on my legs
(they’re probably a lot more noticeable to me than anyone else).
Actually, now that I list all that shit out, I’m thinking my legs look
pretty good after all!
Anyway, I remember a few years back this queen I knew telling me about
liquid pantyhose and making your legs look like silk. I have never
used it, don’t know where to get it, and definitely don’t know which
brands are better than the others, so I thought I’d ask for your two
LL, here’s at least twenty five cents worth of options for you. Please enjoy.Getting directly to the heart of your question, air stockings, liquid pantyhose, called by whatever name, are a great option for camouflaging veins and minor imperfections. Different formulas have different finishes, so personal preference will guide the selection. These products are not self-tanners. They are similar to bronzers, but typically provide better coverage and are less slippery on sweaty summer days. For best results, dispense product on hands and then rub into legs. Budget: Sally Hansen Spray On Subtle Shimmer, Air Stocking Silk Spray
Luxury: Classified Cosmetics ERA RAYZ Spray On Bronzer, Judith August Invisible Stockings For Silky Sexy LegsBody bronzers are another alternative: temporary like liquid stockings, but with less coverage and staying power and more moisture. This group is best for evenings out as they many contain shimmer that can be a little much for the daytime. Here are some pricey but decent options: Nars Body Glow, Booty Parlor Flirty Little Secret Firming Bronzer Cream (Booty Parlor claims this stuff contains pheromones, so do with that what you will…), Scott Barnes Body Bling, and Lorac TANtilizer.Michael Kors offers Leg Shine and Tarte makes Glam Gams, both variations of bronzers hyper-focused on legs. These formulas come in stick form – good for travel. Hippies might like all natural Dr. Hauschka Translucent Bronze Concentrate which turns ordinary lotion into bronzer with a few pumps. Finally, consider a self-tanner + bronzer combo which gives you instant gratification and a parting gift of gradual color for later. You all know the self-tanner rules: exfoliate, moisterize rough spots first, wear gloves, and take the time to apply carefully. There are several pocketbook friendly options in this category: Australian Gold Continuous Spray with Instant Bronzer SPF 15, L’Oreal Sublime Bronze, or Urban Decay Santa Tanita.
Thanks for your letter Leah Love. Don’t forget to tell us what you try and how you like it. XOX, DC
Holding down Ohio, gorgeous DC reader KB wrote requesting advice on how to fake a Miami glow in the Midwest:
“I would like to look sun-kissed but don’t want to damage my skin. I got sunburned by accident two weeks ago and my skin looked worse almost immediately. And not just redness, wrinkly. So the issue is twofold; I’m interested in the Demeter Clarc recommendations for sunscreens as well as a way to fake the tan. I’ve never done a tanning lotion or bronzer (more interested in faking through the latter…I feel like there are scary nasty things in those turn-ya-orange lotions). So I don’t know which is better, how to apply, or what yields the best results. Also, if there are products in the mid priced range, I’d be much obliged as well.”
I’ve avoided giving general advice about bronzers. Achieving the perfect bronze usually requires a bit of trial and error. That said, I’m not about to leave you beyond the pale, so here are a few tips and recommendations to get you started down the terracotta brick road.
The first and most important rule of bronzing is that the product MUST be matte. No shimmer. No sparkles. No glitters (ever, anywhere). Add luminosity later; this is not the place.Next KB, you gotta decide on liquid or powder formula. Both have advantages and disadvantages, therefore it is worthwhile to have one of each in your arsenal for different occasions and purposes.
Let’s start with liquid/cream/gel options. On a really good skin day, this type of bronzer replaces foundation for good glow. This time of year, mix bronzer with foundation for a subtle transition to summer. Many of these products contain sunscreen too.
Luxury: Bobbi Brown All Over Bronzing Gel SPF 15, Soleil Tan de Chanel.Budget: Organic Wear Liquid Bronzer, Bonne Bell Gel Bronzer.
Powders are more a common choice, but also the source of many a makeup mistake. Finding the right color is super challenging. For the most part, avoid red or orange undertones (unless you are a red-head). Look for a brown base. Go too dark for your skin tone and risk looking muddy. Fair-skinned folks look for light brown sandy shades. Often when a brand offers two shades, the lighter one can look orange and the darker one is too dark. Think café au lait.
Luxury: Nars Bronzer in Laguna, The Balm Bahama Mama Bronzer.
Budget: Rimmel Natural Bronzer, Organic Wear Natural Bronzer.
Once you find the perfect product in the most flattering shade, keep these bronzing commandments in mind.
1) Exfoliate first.
2) Matte finish only. Said it once before, but it bears repeating.
3) Don’t forget the neck! Blend softly all the way down to the collarbone.
4) Consider blush compatibility.
5) Less is more. Forehead, nose bridge, chin, temples, cheekbones, stop there.
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