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Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala. The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there). The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion. If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is? Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction. I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win. Is she fucking with us? I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform. Nude illusion, really girl? Pink shiny too short long sleeves? What? A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink? Incomprehensible. How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year? So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci. I’m not sure we can blame him. All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot. Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe. The gloves are totally freaking me out. Hand camo. Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style. I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown. I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right? Do we like Annie as a blonde? I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan. I do love the orange lip and fishnets. Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment. In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously. She smacks of try. The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior. Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP? Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. Topshop dressed Nicole Richie. The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair. Punk Glam Granny?Opa! Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen. What did she do to her face?Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart. Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately. She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung. She’s our modern day Audrey. Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked. Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately. Applause. Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume. For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up. You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte. Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem. The makeup is the best ever for her. Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else. Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala? Sheesh. Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch? Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga. Die for the safety pin. It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be. Fucking chic.Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors. The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen! Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. May we all be this ravishing at her age. Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper.
Calm down Gisele. (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).
Jane Krakowski wore KauffmanFranco – best color, unforgivable tailoring.
Zac Posen really only makes variations of one basic gown, but it is a damn fine gown – as seen here on dingbat Amanda Seyfried.
Boldest couple debut: Vincent Kartheiser and Alexis Bledel. Our little Rory Gilmore loves her co-stars doesn’t she?
Anne Hathaway demonstrates the most ill-advised use of a Giambattista Valli dress.
The Jenny Packham girls, the better version above on Jenna Fischer and the lesser below on Kelly Osbourne.
The head to toe hell no – Sofia Vergara in Donna Karan.
Claire had nowhere to go but down after her last showing, but the aging makeup and side boob vadge action aren’t working in this Givenchy. Giuliana is showing positive progress on probation after her last fashion felony in this far less offensive Max Azria.
Elisabeth Moss gives some gams in Dolce & Gabbana.
Can you feel the tension in this high-fashion face off between January Jones in Prabal Gurung and Jessica Paré in Jason Wu? The straps on the Jason Wu look a bit like suspenders. I appreciate that January Jones doesn’t dress for the men, but could she pick something flattering just once?
Most timelessly spectacular putting all these young bitches to shame – Mizz Jessica Lange.
Jessica Chastain contends for best dressed in Alexander McQueen, but the lipstick is wrong and she needs to whiten her teeth.
Gorgeous and talented Jennifer Lawrence has no fucking clue how to dress herself. Christian Dior can throw couture at her the whole award season through, and she’ll waste every opportunity with the wrong hair, jewelry, and makeup.
Julianne Moore should only let Tom Ford dress her because this Chanel is a fucking floral flat-tittied disaster.
What do we think of these two? Jennifer Westfeldt looks better than usual if a tad boobish in Blumarine.
Let’s start with the hair – an obvious hot mess, move down to the 3D bustage on this strange Vivienne Westwood, glance at those lame duck shoes and declare Nicole Kidman an epic dud.
Me likey Nina Dobrev in this Elie Saab, even if it is quite derivative of Emma Stone in Calvin Klein from a season or two ago.
Look at our little Kiernan Shipka all grown up in this Oscar de la Renta.
…Salma Hayek in Gucci for the Best Bluish Black. She has a certain carefree sparkle only a billion dollars can buy. …Nicole Richie in Naeem Khan for best Palm Beach Housewife. Is this bitch 74? G-jus. …Amanda Seyfried in Givenchy for most Unseasonably Springy. I should hate this doily shit, but I don’t. …Claire Danes in red Versace for best Post Baby Body Bounce-Back. Doesn’t she look 10 years younger with those 15 extra pounds? …Connie Britton wins Most Consistent in KaufmanFranco.…Jessica Alba for most Irrelevantly Gorgeous. Penalty for skinning a defenseless Muppet for that embarrassing bag. …Amy Adams in Marchesa wins the prize for Most Likely to be Accidentally Confused with Taylor Swift.…Halle Berry for Misdemeanor Midriff Exposure in Versace. …Sally Field for worst Granny Globes, gown by Alberta Ferretti.…Kerry Washington for Most Overrated in Miu Miu.…Anne Hathaway for Most Boring Chanel.…Zosia Mamet for Best of the Girls.…Lena Dunham for snatching Helen Mirren’s Zac Posen gown.…Allison Williams for Most Forgettable Girl.…Jessica Chastain in Calvin Klein Slightly Wrong from Head to Toe.…Jennifer Lawrence for failure to learn from Jessica Biel’s Weird Dior-titty Mistake. …Lucy Liu for Most Incongruent in Carolina Herrera. What is this floral fuckmess?…Hayden Panettiere wins Most Repetitious in Roberto Cavalli. …Jennifer Lopez for Most in Need of a Divorce from Zuhair Murad.…Zooey Deschanel in Oscar de la Renta for Most Misguided Personal Style.…Naomi Watts for Best Zac Posen.…Nicole Kidman for Most Improved Hair. This is a chicer length for her. …Rachel Weisz in Louis Vuitton for the Worst 3-Way Split.…Giuliana Rancic in Celia Kritharioti for Most Felonious Showing by an Officer of the Fashion Police.
As those of us with a pulse know, last night the Met Gala threw down in NYC. The ball celebrated the opening of the exhibit Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations at the Costume Institute. Let’s have a conversation about the fucking weird ass choices some of these bitches made last night. It is hard to know where to start, so let’s start with some one who should know better. Rachel Zoe looks like a fringed push pop in this ridiculous-on-her frock. Zoe styled Karolina Kurkova (where you been girl?) in a gown from her eponymous line. The dress appears to have been heavily influenced by the Armani gown Zoe dressed Anne Hathaway in for the Oscars not too long ago – that Zoe, always full of fresh ideas.Beyoncé loves that stupid ass pose. Who the fuck stands like that in real life? The way she stiffly palms her outer thighs is so forced and unnatural. Do we need to talk about this Givenchy Couture? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it seems to me that Givenchy cares more about appearing on the red carpet than maintaining a high standard of brand integrity. By my totally unscientific estimation, about one in ten times Givenchy gets it right with their red carpet loaners. Sorry B, this is definitely not one of those times. I hate almost every single thing about this dress. It took some nutz for Christina Ricci to rock this odd Thakoon number. It isn’t perfect, but it is courageous. Is she going through another praying mantis phase or is it just a pre-Met crash diet?If Laura Ashley and a flora chintz sofa made a bastard love child, this Valentino blanket that SJP is wearing would be the unholy spawn. Jessica Paré wore the shit out of this L’Wren Scott gold cap sleeve. No dummy, our little Megan obviously plans to squeeze every last drop of exposure from her Mad Men supporting role. Good for her, this was one of the better ensembles of the evening. From one Mrs. Draper to another, January Jones typically pushes boundaries, at times at the expense of flattery. The more I look at this sculpted Versace, the less it offends me. Yeah, the peplum has been overdone this season, and yeah yellow and black tends to evoke bumble bee, but I think this is a bold and interesting post-baby choice. She’s done worse. Lately, Emma Stone has made me forget why I like her. The color, shape, texture, and timing of this Lanvin cocktail frock is all wrong for this season and this event. Did she get lost on her way to homecoming?Carey Mulligan co-hosted the event and wore this shield to protect her soul from the despotic clutches of Anna Wintour. Paltrow predictably in Prada presenting a pinch of side boob. Have we reached a consensus on whether she conservatively augmented her tatas after Moses? If she’s going to continue to push those absurd Tracy Anderson workouts then she might want to actually wear something that celebrates her hard-fought body. Unfinished is the word I would use to describe this look.Is Cameron just straight up old now or what? Squint – is this Sharon Stone or Cameron Diaz? Stella McCartney provided the matronly gown. Stella McCartney is just mean with some of the ugly ass shit she makes her friends wear, damn.Claire Danes evoked a little Betty Draper from the neck up, which was a welcome departure from her minimalist tendency. J Mendel conceived of the ill-fitting garment. The cut accentuates her tiny top and then betrays her by creating the illusion of a big bottom. Face it, she’s serving sleeveless bathrobe. First, why are these two getting married? I dislike them each individually more when they are together. Biel looks like she hemmed that dress with two-sided tape 5 minutes before she strode onto the carpet. We all know very well that Jessica Biel couldn’t dress herself if she were locked in a Chanel store. When it comes to Biel, the expectations are very low. Yet she still repeatedly fails to meet them. Much like Justin Timberlake’s acting career. Dunst looks pissed. I’d be pissed to if I wore that random shit to the fashion event of the year. I hate this evening suit almost as much as I hate that overrated Melancholia.Hey Flo! I truly appreciate your willingness to go balls to the wall. At Coachella, you served me desert couture and I’m grateful for it. However, you are not Lady Gaga. This fussy layered McQueen is an overreach that reads more costume than gala. Prabal Gurung is a pimp. That’s called swagger bitches. Recognize. One of the best dressed of the evening – Marion Cotillard in head to toe Dior. Don’t usually love a sheer bottom, but this dress photographs and fits beautifully. J’adore. We saw quite a few subtle variations on a very similar look; here Rihanna does the long-sleeved reflective column in black Tom Ford. Snooze. Scarjo no! This embellished, pink, antiquated Dolce & Gabbana mess had no bizness at the Met Gala. I need more modernity from you Scarlett! You are not a little girl anymore; evolve past this princessy shit. Bad Grandma! Bad, bad Grandma! We told you not to leave Shady Pines without a nurse’s aid. Oh wait, that’s just Mary Kate at the Met Gala. Jessica Alba improved over last year, but she should have worn this dress then when this Michael Kors metallic lamé might have felt fresh. Did Brad Goreski style her again this year?The unofficial perennial Prom King and Queen of the Met Ball, Gisele and Tom stuck to boring black this year. Is it me or does that photo reveal a bit of tension between the power couple?
Hey Kanye, Anna wouldn’t let you bring Kim?
The Best: Emma Stone in Giambattista Valli
This gorgeous gown fit her body perfectly, accentuated her tiny waist, and stood out in a sea of mediocrity. Don’t love the accessories, but I’m not in the mood to quibble.
You Saw It Here First: Shailene Woodley in Valentino Couture
Fresh from the couture collections, Shailene Woodley wore this modern, white, long-sleeved number. It might look familiar since we featured it as part of the best of Fall 2012 Couture earlier this month. It’s a little old for her, and her face would benefit from a pop of color, but not a flop by any means.
Most Confusing: Viola Davis in Vera Wang
This looks like the homicide of Puff the Magic Dragon. A full-on unmitigated lapse in aesthetic judgment.
Fulfilled Potential: Tina Fey in Carolina Herrera
We’ve all been waiting for Tina Fey to step out looking this good. Finally, she’s really come into her own in this navy peplum-detailed gown.
Evoking a Cult Leader: Gwyneth Paltrow in Tom Ford
I’m not saying I don’t like this, but she’s delivering a whole lot of white here. Can’t you picture her standing at a podium condescendingly addressing an arena full of Goopies in this odd get-up? “Follow me, affluent women, to the land of organic peas…”
Most Offensive Overtry: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad
Nude illusion Fruit Stripe Gum.
Culmination of a Bad Fashion Awards Season Run: Jessica Chastain
Fashion-wise, Chastain hasn’t found her identity. Her style choices were as varied and uneven as her performances this year. It looks like she skinned Kimora Lee’s sofa. Let this be a lesson – McQueen is not for everyone.
Let Me Upgrade You: Clooney in Armani, Keibler in Marchesa
Clooney’s clout ensures his girls-of-the-moment have access to all the best fashion houses and some very high-end clothes, but even in all their borrowed sartorial finery, his dates still look like they should be holding cards above their heads in the middle of a wrestling ring.
Most Predictable: Pitt in Tom Ford and Jolie in Versace Atelier
I’m so bored with these two. Oh, how fucking shocking you two bitches showed up in black. Close your legs dear, you’re not dancing the can-can. Ever since I heard that thing she said to him at the Globes, I’ve kinda hated them. She turned to him and said “you’re prettier than me.” Fucking voms yo.
The Bridesmaids: Kristin Wiig in J. Mendel
While the bodice of this dress is tailored beautifully for her body, the placement of the break into the texture is awkward and unflattering.
Melissa McCarthy in Marina Rinaldi
Are we calling this mauve? I’m pretty sure we issued a fatwa on mauve at the end of the 80′s.
Maya Rudolph in Johanna Johnson
Here’s one of the few purple looks of the night. It’s a safe, conservative, and unoffensive choice. The side-swept hair is very Mariah.
Building Relationships Pays Off: Octavia Spencer in Tadashi Shoji
After favorable reviews from fashion folk for her Globes look, Octavia went back to Tadashi Shoji for her Oscar gown. Clearly, cultivating that relationship has paid off; the designer knows her body and the fit is beautiful. Second best of the night.
Dress I wanna like, but Don’t: Cameron Diaz in Gucci
I really want to like this Gucci gown, but I don’t. She needs a waist and this dress gives her no shape through the torso. It reminds me of a melting chocolate and vanilla soft-serve twist cone.
Consistently Wasted Potential: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton
This dress is too fussy, ill-fitting, and heavy for such a delicate wisp of a girl. This ensemble ain’t right – the necklace, the bag (and I get where they are going with the clash, but here, no), and that gawd awful frump of a saloon-girl-gone-wrong disaster of a frock.
Sure to be Critically Eviscerated: Rooney Mara in Givenchy
No one will get this. Even if they did, the cut isn’t flattering to her body. If you do avant-garde, you have to do it impeccably.
Post-baby Blah: Natalie Portman in vintage Dior
She gave birth to a new era of shitty style.
Two A-List Underwhelmers: Sandra Bullock in Marchesa and Penelope Cruz in Giorgio Armani.
Sandra’s dress isn’t doing her body any favors. Is a gold shrub trying to munch her bush? WTF? Pene, you are almost forty, enough with the princess shit. Join us in 2012.
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