Tag Archives: GOOP

Monday’s Muffin

Who doesn’t love a Muffin Monday?  Save yourself the expense – both monetarily and calorically – by avoiding the glass cases and bake your own reasonably nutritious and tasty muffs.  I promise you this ain’t no GOOP shit.  We’re just jshooshing up a box recipe for real.  I like the Krusteaz Fat Free Wild Blueberry mix because you don’t need to add anything but water.  In a pinch, this mix is super easy and crowd-pleasing without further embellishment.  But if you want your muffins to be more, and I know you do, consider these simple additions.

Chia Seeds

Chia seeds are one of those annoyingly ubiquitous health food items that everyone with a mason jar must have to perfect their temple.  And yeah, we are talking about the same stuff from the sprouting Chia Pet commercials, “Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia.” Rich in Omega-3, manganese, calcium, and phosphorus these seeds will also add some fiber to your muffins without fucking up the texture. 

Multiply and Diversify the Berries

The puny limp-dick berries in that little sad tin scream box mix.  Add some fresh blubes, blackberries, or any kind of berry you like hunny.  More berries = a more magnificent Muffin Monday.  

Cinnamon Sugar Topping

For some muffy glamour, create a sparkly crunchy top.  Mix cinnamon and sugar together and sprinkle on top of your muffins before baking.  I can’t defend the sugar, but we all know cinnamon has a number of valuable anti-cancer and blood-sugar stabilizing properties.  This step adds an interesting textural difference that makes for memorable Monday Muffins. 

4 gifts under $50, fuck you GOOP

Macallan Scotch.  Tasty.  Not too personal, but still leaves a warm feeling in the gut.  Passes the booze snob test.  Generally speaking, the older the scotch, the pricier the bottle. A homemade apple pie is work intensive and that’s why it is a meaningful gift.  Cookies, eh.  Taking the time to peel apples and kneed dough demonstrates true love and generosity.   Even though the ingredients aren’t expensive, I like that a pie is a substantial baked good gift that can feed a whole family.Pink Himalayan Sea Salt is high in trace minerals and is super pretty too.   You can cook or serve on these Pink Himalayan Sea Salt blocks.  A pink salt block is an original gift for culinary have-it-alls and surprisingly affordable. Ya’ll know I heart some paper, including these Fringe Studio stationery sets.  Find them for half price at the high-end department store outlets.  Cute quality cards please almost any lady (and inclined gent) from 8 to 80 years old. 

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Forbidden Friday

So no matter what happens this weekend, we are absolutely forbidden from partaking in the following behaviors.

Childish Alcoholic Douchebaggery.

No belly shots, keg stands, quarters, beruit, or other drinking games spawned from the land of Kappa Kappa Kunts.  Trust me – you’ve graduated.

Enjoy no more than 5 cocktails, and if any one of you makes that Mercy-laced cocktail recipe courtesy of GOOP then I will issue an official fatwa on your ass.  Take that shit to Gwyneth’s townhouse.  Wanna cure your hangover?  Set aside a fat rail from your eight ball and reserve it for breakfast.  Problem solved.  Put that in your newsletter Mizz Martin.

Mopping up the Dregs.

No matter how desperate, horny, or lonely, avoid finding a fuck partner the last twenty minutes the bar is open.  When has a truly satisfying sexual experience come from sorting through the dregs at last call?  Better question, how many of these encounters require a side order of Valtrex with the following morning’s Mimosa brunch.  Don’t kick off 2012 with a trip to the free clinic.

Including the drama couple.

Most of us are friends with at least one couple that can’t make it through an entire evening without getting into some loud dramatic stunt queen shit that sours the fun for everyone.  Avoid those assholes this weekend.

Drinking and Driving

DUI’s are so 2007 and so inexcusable.  For those dumbasses thinking of riding home on their bikes drunk (FYI, you can still get a DUI on a bike), did I ever tell you about that night I spent in the hospital with my friend Oskar after he cracked his head open drunk biking home from the bars one night?  Fun story.

Bitch & Complain

Nothing sucks up fun like a whiny bitch.  I’ll sum this up with one of my favorite quotes (which has been attributed to several different people including: Katharine Hepburn, Wallis Simpson, Henry Ford II, Benjamin Disraeli, and John Wayne, but who knows where it originated?)

Never Complain.  Never Explain.

GOOP’S TWANG

Anybody else fast forward through three tedious hours of country award show purgatory to watch Gwyneth get her twang on?  I don’t give a fuck how many “critics” acclaim her performance; that shit was knock-kneed, boring, disingenuous, and uncomfortable. After forcing myself to watch it three times, each time disgust welling in the back of my throat, I can truly say I hate this song.  I hated this perfauxmance, and I really resent all this pandering to the heartland for a Grammy nod.  Ick to Cuntry Gwyneth

Furthermore, there is simply no excuse for this hideous pageant gown.  No excuse at all.  Fucking Gross.  Gwyneth, go stand in the corner.  You are in timeout bitch.

EASY A

Because the public is generally repulsive, these days it takes quite a bit of motivation to get my ass to the movies.  The buzz on Easy A lured me to the theater, and for once, I didn’t regret the decision.Emma Stone as Olive wins you over in the first ten minutes; her lip-synching montage to Pocket Full of Sunshine hits a particularly funny note.  A resurrected Amanda Bynes pops up as an intense bible-thumping promise-ring nemesis praying for Olive’s purity and redemption.  Surprising performances from Stanley Tucci (Dill) and Patricia Clarkson (Rosemary) as Olive’s kooky parents add fun and a tad of gravitas to the breezy film.  Note to casting, Penn Badgley has the sex appeal of expired dairy.  Stop trying to make Penn Badgley happen. The story, inspired by The Scarlet Letter, preaches the new gospel of high school sex politics in the digital age.  The obvious take away is a watered down “Our Body, Ourselves” message for the Hannah Montana set.  Underneath, the best advice to extract from the story is to wait to have sex until you get out of high school.  Not because of Jesus, but because every fucking gossipy bitch in your class will have your biznass on Facebook.Wait until college to have sex.  Everyone is a slut in college, so unless you do something legendarily slutty, your reputation is probably safe.  Another bonus: it guarantees you will not end up on the next season of 16 and Pregnant.On a somewhat unrelated note, a trailer for Gwyneth Paltrow’s upcoming release Country Strong rolled before the feature presentation.  Despite the studio’s confidence in positioning it for awards season, it looks like fucking fromage.  While stifling laughter at her unconvincing turn as a washed-up country singer, I couldn’t help but wonder if GOOP has a good recipe for organic humble pie.