Who watched the premiere of Oprah’s Next Chapter last night? Oprah visited Steven Tyler at his Sunapee, New Hampshire home and more often than not it was awkward and uncomfortable. First, Oprah showed up with two huge buckets full of hydrangeas “she cut herself from her garden,” as a totally random gift for the singer. Without their personal assistants to wrangle the flowers, Oprah and Steven dithered indecisively over where to set them down until eventually plopping them down next to a tree.
In case you didn’t know, Steven Tyler randomly bursts into song without provocation. Regular Oprah Winfrey Show watchers remember how embarrassing Oprah gets in the midst of live music. The two of them together made for some weird moments over the first hour. Tyler intermittently released guttural screeches, and in response Oprah froze in an uncomfortable smile, not sure of whether to do her usual pretend lip synch routine, laugh, or gaze on in admiration. 
Even though it was laced with uneasiness, we learned a few things about Steven Tyler from the interview. He believes the rest of Aerosmith envies him – a phenomenon his describes as LSD – Lead Singer Disorder. Tyler literally thinks he’s magic and proclaims he always knew he would be a famous rockstar, informing his mother of the fact as a child. In a nutshell, he totally buys into his own delusions of grandeur. As Steven pontificated on his many gifts, a wash of recognition came over Oprah as she realized he sounded like a self-aggrandizing asshole. Did the queen of self-reflection consider whether she came off equally as pompous when talking about herself? This remains to be seen. 
Later in the interview, during a ride in his antique car, Steven clasped Oprah’s hand and said, “I’m so lonely in life. I have no friends like you. I’m alone. I’m alone.” Oprah responded, “Now you’re not, cause now we will be friends.” How can you be friends with a self-important, insufferable asshole who believes musical talent and a lot of good luck makes you a superior species? And I say that with a total fondness for the delightful kooky genius that is Steven Tyler. 
During the last twenty minutes of the 2 hour program, Tyler’s new fiancé Erin Brady joined the interview. In an unexpected turn, I kinda like her.
Industry gossips say Oprah and the pockets behind the struggling network were hoping Next Chapter would improve the ratings and begin to turn things around at OWN. While the interviews may perform decently in the ratings, this is not Oprah at her best. And I don’t think I’m the first to wonder if much like Madonna, her best days are done. 
Most of you have heard about the struggles Bethenny Frankel has experienced while attempting to develop, market, and sell her version of a daily network talk show. Reports surfaced that decision-makers didn’t think she wasn’t likable enough. Then there were those pesky allegations concerning false labeling on Skinnygirl Margarita, which further chipped away at her crumbling credibility. And it wasn’t so long ago confusion swirled around the value of the Skinnygirl sale. The cumulative effect? Page Six reports that any hope for a syndicated deal is as dead as a Thanksgiving turkey.
You guys watching Revenge? Can’t really say it’s good, but blank-eyed Amber Valletta and an Herve Leger-clad Madeleine Stowe have kept it mildly interesting. How much has this fall sucked in terms of tv? So much. In any other year at any other time, Revenge wouldn’t even be worth mentioning.
We are neither surprised by nor interested in the break up of Ashton and Demi’s marriage. Nobody seriously thought that shit would last, so the media can just relax with all their pearl clutching. We all know the grounds for divorce. Under the reason for dissolution, next to Ashton’s name, check the “douche” box; next to Demi’s, check “desperately clinging to youth.”
So what do we make of the Bethenny Frankel money mystery? Her desperate visit on The Today Show did little to clarify doubts surrounding the sale of Skinnygirl Cocktails. She implied the 100+ million dollar figure was accurate. Doubters at Huffpo ran a retraction. Her defensive and side-stepping response has everybody wondering about the truth. Fishy.
Today also broke the Giuliana Rancic cancer diagnosis story this week. I have a soft spot for Giuliana and frown over her sad turn of luck. Word is the cancer was present in both breasts, and she had a double lumpectomy within the last couple days. The medical community rushed to defend IVF and insist that the treatments did not necessarily increase the risk of cancer. Some cancers are hormone-fed, correct? IVF involves super doses of hormones, correct? Doctors are making a shitload of money off fertility treatments, including IVF, correct? Correct. 
In more uplifting news, I’m living for Beavis and Butt-head right now and anxiously await the premiere next Thursday. This is one remake that won’t suck. No one will miss Jersey Snore. This season was extra weak marinara sauce. Seriously though, the question we’ve all been skirting: is it possible Pauly D is gay? Carefully consider it. 
Recently, I yanked Standing in the Way of Control out of the vault. After five years, Gossip’s breakout moment sounds as fresh as ever. 
Not every album stands the test of time, but this baby holds up. This collection of songs totally merits a flashback listen. Considering the current audio climate, it’s fair to say I appreciate Gossip’s music now more than ever. Those looking for a more recent Gossip offering? Try Heavy Cross.
Ditto forever.
Wow, that didn’t take long. By now many of you have heard the news that former managers filed suit against Bethenny Frankel for breach of contract and fraud, among other claims, according to the Hollywood Reporter.
Allegedly, back in May of 2008, Bethenny retained Doug Wald of Raw Talent as her manager and promised him 10%. He in turn connected her with APA in August of 2008, and subsequently introduced her to David Kanbar (who appears on BEA and brokered the Skyy Vodka deal). In November of 2008, days before signing a Skinnygirl development deal, Frankel fired Wald.
Over the last three years, Bethenny and David plotted to promote Skinnygirl and then sell it for a huge profit. Now rumor has it Raw Talent wants 10% of the $120 million dollar deal plus $100 million in punitive damages. 
Ever since the deal went down, Bethenny’s been saying mo money mo problems, and she wasn’t kidding. Even if she wins, defending this suit could be very costly. She’s writing a big check either way to cover settlement or litigation costs. Welcome to the big leagues B, cheers!
Over the weekend I had a lengthy discush with a good friend about giving it up too early. Well past virgin territory, arguments for waiting have nothing to do with Jesus or wedding nights. In no particular order, a few good to reasons slow down…
1. Jumping into the kip on the first night has become a tired cliché. It’s neither sexy nor rebellious. It is expected and ordinary. Nobody’s talking purity rings here, but honestly, some of ya’ll don’t even get a first and last name before getting naked.
2. After a certain age, one realizes authentic chemistry is exceedingly rare. If another person gives you butterflies, delight in the magic and draw out the phenomenon for as long as possible. Fuck too soon and bang the butterflies to death.
3. Most people are selfish and dirty. In a one night stand situation, most people won’t confess to the herp, hep, HIV, or clap. A greater majority don’t even know they are spreading warts all around town.
5. Holding out for a minute also allows you to weed out the following: 1) stage 5 clingers, 2) assholes, and 3) beer-goggle regrets.
The first of several 40th birthday parties kicked off at a suite at the Gansevoort where Bethenny and her girls pre-gamed with Skinnygirl and mini-sliders. Later, Bethenny rallied the group for a schlong hunt at Plunge.
Why does Bethenny think she has game? She acted like a crazed Ramona lusting over the general manager conveniently named Jason. At 40 not 30, Bethenny’s a little more resistible than she thinks. Seriously, slow your roll and stop embarrassing yourself.
After a few drinks, each sloppster took a turn stomping out her dignity in the center of the dance circle. Julie offered the most interesting dance craze – the metro card – a reenactment of that graceful moment when the metro card fails and you whiplash against the immobile turnstile. Bethenny acted like Julie was nutz. Apparently it has been awhile since bougie Bethenny has taken the train, because that shit was brilliant. Anyone who takes public transportation would know that dance of shame anywhere.
The next day, Bethenny got the call about Skating With the Stars and it was immediately obvious that she was going to say “yes,” even though she pretended she was going to discuss it with the family. Back at casa Hoppy, Jason braced himself for the latest news.
Jason didn’t seem too enthusiastic about the idea and immediately started chipping away at her excitement with loaded questions. Jealous much? Then he asked if it would be better for her to do Dancing With the Stars. Her response was fucking priceless, and proves how big her head has become.
Her implication – that she would turn down the highly rated Dancing With the Stars in favor of Skating With the Stars – could not be more patently absurd. Bitch please. No one asked you to be on Dancing With the Stars. Don’t fucking act like you would have turned down Dancing with the God Damn Stars because no one on this planet believes your fame-seeking ass would ever do any such thing.
Julie joined the meeting and even though she and Jason had concerns about time and scheduling, there was no talking Bethenny out of her skates. She knew she was accepting the offer the minute they called. Make no mistake: Bethenny furthers her fame first.
Even though no one had even mentioned Bethenny’s birthday, she moaned that everyone kept “harping on her 40th birthday,” so she simply must have a lavish party to satisfy the masses or some such self-important bullshit. She met up with her wedding planner Shawn for lunch and he offered to plan the party for her as a 
Later Jason and Bethenny took Bryn on an afternoon stroll. Jason nit-picked the proposed plans. The two began to bicker about the number of guests, the timing of food and drink, and the appropriate night for the party.
With a proposed guest list of 35-45, Bethenny didn’t want to exclude her friends for Jason’s buddies. In another dick move, Jason played the “you’re married now, Bethenny” card. In this instance, Bethenny’s right on. It is her birthday, and the guest list should be comprised of her friends. Jason manipulated her by calling her selfish, and got his way to invite ten friends to her party. When Jason turns forty he can invite all his friends. Not all couples must share friends. Furthermore, Jason’s friends don’t actually give a fuck about celebrating Bethenny’s birthday, so he should stop fronting like they do.
From there things got progressively uglier, and a sour cloud hovered over the rest of the walk, the talk, and the party. Bethenny began to regret agreeing to the bash. Considering the amount of celebrations Bethenny’s had for Bethenny this year – engagement, showers, a televised wedding – a low key fortieth might have been a better way to go.
Bethenny met her skating partner Ethan Burgess at the rink, but the chemistry wasn’t exactly gelling. Awkward chatter peppered practice and culminated with Bethenny declaring that she’d seen Ethan fall in a competition on youtube. Not knowing when to STFU, Bethenny continued to prattle and opined his fall was due to the rocky relationship with his girlfriend/skate partner. Nice first impression.
Back in bed, Bethenny and Jason continued to write “birthday party disaster” all over the walls. Each time the topic came up, the two clashed.
Since Bethenny’s latest book is about conquering negative thoughts, take note of Bethenny’s own self-defeating behavior. She says things like “my whole life has been like that.” Boo Fucking Hoo.
Evelyn revealed a long-kept secret on last week’s Basketball Wives finale. Perhaps angling for some extra camera time this season, Evelyn confessed to smashing Tami’s husband, Kenny Anderson, back in the day. Tami took it as well as you might imagine. 
Several years after Lozada and Anderson’s affair, the tables have turned. Now Evelyn’s engaged to marry rumored pussy-hound Chad Ochocinco.
The Roman Candle proved payback’s a bitch when she dropped this delish doozy on part one of the reunion…
And then Evelyn’s face looked like this. 
And then Royce broke out dancing. 
In the immortal words of Mr. Ochocinco himself,
Child Please, This is only the beginning. 
Has Dior found its replacement whore? 
Word is Tisci’s the new HBIC.
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