Tag Archives: Grandpa Hoppy

Bethenny Ever After: Bethenny’s Perfect Life?

The long-awaited finale of Bethenny Ever After aired this week, long-awaited because we all couldn’t wait for this extra boring show to end.  The bulk of the lazy-ass season finale was cobbled together from moments of Bethenny’s speaking tour.Bethenny spewed clichéd self-help advice repackaged Skinnygirl-style as the secret of her success.  Let’s be honest.  Bethenny’s success stems from her willingness to offer up her most sacred relationships, private decisions, and deepest losses to Bravo for commoditization.  Personal exploitation has been the ladder upon which she climbed to the top, and it has been a lucrative ascent.Grandparents, Carol and Bob joined the tour for a night in Philadelphia.  Neither understands Bethenny’s appeal, but both gave her warm congratulations after the show.  Grandma Hoppy accidentally stumbled into some funny when she said, “There was only a cock here and there…”

Bethenny got the adrenaline shits before her Wilmington show and ran around the theater trying to empty her bowels moments before she was due on stage.  She then danced her way down the aisle of the theater late-nineties Oprah-style.

All this filler delayed the only attention-worthy moment of the season – the sale of Skinnygirl.  During her weekly sesh with Amador, Bethenny claimed to care less about the money now that she has her little family.  She also conceded that since her own success now eclipsed her deceased father’s, “It makes me happy to stuff it to him.”While the specifics of the deal were not discussed on camera, when the email came, Jason said “You are going to be a very rich woman.”  So I guess we can surmise that $120 million figure might be in the realm of truth.Now here’s what I want to know.

Is $120 million her cut, or is she divvying that up with Skinnygirl Canada?

Will she have Jason sign a post-nup or amend the pre-nup if one exists?

As contemplated last week, does this make her the richest Housewife?

Bethenny sobbed tears of joy at her unbelievable good fortune, and Jason could barely contain his glee at the luck of landing his own little jackpot.Jason returned later with their wedding album and the two oohed and aahhed over every page.  Rejoice, everything is sublime in Hoppytown.So you guys heard this got renewed for another season, right?  They better start looking for a new angle because who really wants to watch “Bethenny’s Perfect Life?”

Bethenny Ever After: Becoming Bernadette

This episode of Bethenny Ever After started in Dr. Amador’s office and flashed back through the previous week of escalating crazy.  Bravo should have structured the entire season this way and re-titled it Narcissist in the City.  Rumors circulate about Bethenny exercising EP power to have portions of the episodes re-edited so she appears more likable.  If that’s true, you have to wonder what this episode looked like before it was softened.  So without further ado, let us commence the countdown to BFrank’s big breakdown.First up, Gina informed Bethenny that she was having surgery at the end of the week, and therefore their time must come to an end.  Through tears, the two tried to envision a future apart.  After claiming G as family, Bethenny seemed mostly concerned about a replacement nanny and how this crisis might inconvenience her skating schedule.  Bethenny didn’t offer support, financial or otherwise, to Gina at any point in the conversation.  This is how rich people treat their help “family?”The whole family arrived in L.A. for Bethenny’s debut performance on Skating with the StarsJason and Bethenny drove around Beverly Hills and contemplated which area of L.A. might suit them best for a future move.  The two stopped at an empty house for sale and jumped the fence.  Feeling ultra-rebellious at first, they soon started to panic.  Getting back over the fence proved even less graceful, and Jason complained of a thumb injury while hoisting B up and over in her thigh-high boots – the worst footwear possible for a stealth breaking and entering.Bethenny performed beautifully for her first-ever televised skating routine.  Was she stiff and stifled?  A little, but as a premiere showing, she did better than the 5s she received from the judges.  Out the gate, she failed to evoke any good will from the panel.  Before the judges comments, the public criticism aspect of the competition obviously hadn’t dawned on Bethenny.  Getting picked apart like that ain’t easy.  When the feedback wasn’t all roses and sunshine, her spirit palpably plummeted.

Back in NYC, Chef Bethenny prepped for Bryn’s first Thanksgiving.  Due to technical difficulties, the turkey wasn’t cooked through and Bethenny started snapping at everyone’s attempts to console her.  Julie, Jason, the Grandparents Hoppy, and even the ancillary ghub got the sharp end of her Scorpio stinger.  When she finished screaming at her guests, Bethenny stormed off to her bedroom to pop a Xanax pout.Back to the therapist couch, Dr. Amador asked Bethenny what Thanksgiving was like for her growing up.  Bethenny said her Mom (Bernadette serving a little Priscilla Presley below) was a really good cook, but a perfectionist.  If for any reason things weren’t perfect, according to Bethenny her Mom would flip out.The phrase “walking on eggshells” popped up several times in this episode, and it dawned on Bethenny that she recreated the very scenario she resented growing up.“I end up sucking a lot of energy out of the room, and when I’m not happy it ends up being quite contagious.”The paradigm-shifting epiphany sent Bethenny into an existential tailspin where she recognized how she mirrored Bernadette in so many ways.  And like so many others before her, Bethenny was horrified at the realization that she too had become her mother.Think how distressed she’ll be when she realizes in about 30 years Bryn will be having the exact same nauseating moment of self-awareness.

Bethenny Ever After: Bethenny’s Bad Birthday Behavior

The world’s most attentive grandparents plotted with Gina to get an antique dressform to the party place without triggering Bethenny’s suspicions.  Gina blew the cahoots.  Rather than circle the block with the baby to kill a little time, she returned home and received a terse verbal lashing about “poor planning” from bitchy birthday Bethenny.Bethenny claims not to care about clothes much, and while she generally looks decent, her personal style isn’t particularly fashion-forward.  While whining about wardrobe, Bethenny took a twirl in a few different options and sought approval from the peanut gallery.The first dress had a full skirt and an asymmetrical neckline.  Julie liked it, but she wasn’t sure it was right for that night.Second, B tried on the “wonder woman” gold-belted cocktail number.  Without a good full length shot, it’s hard to tell, but from what was shown, this one was best.  However, no one in the room had the taste level to discern that it was the most flattering, so Bethenny moved on to…We’ve seen variations of these looks on her before, and even with a body as toned as Bethenny’s, shiny fabric brutally betrays forty years of bitter reality.In perhaps her most annoying and childish move of the season, Bethenny curled up in a ball with her dog on the floor of her closet and whimpered in a baby voice.  This bitch is forty.  4-0.Jason and his parents returned home to find Bethenny having her makeup done in the middle of the apartment.  With no sense of irony, Bethenny started crying to Jason about not wanting all this attention and wanting to be left alone.  Nobody’s stopping you from walking right out the door Bethenny.  Don’t let the boom mic hit you on the way out.As everyone around flitted about trying to make everything perfect for her party, Bethenny commiserated with the make-up artist about the “birthday blues.”While Bethenny whines about not wanting it to be all about her, these attention-seeking complaints keep drawing energy in her direction.  A less selfish person might just smile and let everyone enjoy the party; accept well-wishes and gifts with grace.  A self-centered person throws a fit and wears everyone out with her high-maintenance emotional messiness.While getting her weave worked, B had a fashinspiration and broke out a well-tailored skinny tux with her shapewear cami underneath.  When in doubt, pimp the product.In the car, Bethenny couldn’t even muster enough enthusiasm for a real kiss.  Later in his interview segment, Jason admitted that he wished she’d just suck it up.  For once Jason, we agree.Shawn worked like a hog during truffle season to root a “thank you” out of Bethenny for his gratis party planning.  She did say it was “perfect” and “not to stress,” but she did not pull him aside, look him in the eye, and truly acknowledge his efforts.  That’s the problem with free stuff: it is often wasted on the undeserving and ungrateful.Bethenny worked the crowd catching up with Alex and Simon, Ramona, Lauren and many others.  Ramona advised Bethenny to do the most important things first, and if the rest gets done, it gets done.  Preach Ramona.A few dreaded surprises ramped up to the big birthday breakdown.  First, Teri showed up from Florida and lorded over Bethenny that she made it to party even though Bethenny didn’t come to hers.  The guilt-trip triggered tears, and from there it was all down hill.Jason called Bethenny up for the birthday toast where he set up the big gift reveal. 

And then……

Wah. Wah.

Let’s talk about what went wrong here.  That stupid sign needs to go.  Shawn should have 86’d that cutesy shit from the get.  Credit Grandma with that corniness.  Remove the apron, so we can actually see the form.  Note to the grandparents: women under 55 do not wear un-ironic brooches.

Awkward became intensely strange and uncomfortable when Bethenny took the mic from Jason and babbled on until he snatched it back for a toast.  On the brink of tears, Bethenny fled to one side of the bar and Jason to the other.  When Ramona started yapping on about “raw love,” Bethenny turned on her heels and grabbed Jason and pulled him into the bathroom.Bethenny wailed hysterically and kept apologizing to Jason as she became increasingly unwound.  When Ramona looked at Bethenny like she was Kelly Bensimon, it was obvious just how emotionally off-center the event had become.Just to end it with a bang, a quartet of waiters brought out a super-sparkler topped cake.  The pyrotechnics required so much energy to extinguish that Bethenny split her pants.

In response to the pant-splitting, Grandma Hoppy sealed the evening with kiss when she asked, “Did you fart?”