Home > Grass
I’ve been attending my fair share of live shows lately, and that means I’ve been annoyed by all the douchebag behavior of the general public. Let’s review the basic commandments of concert-going, shall we?Thou shalt not wear a band t-shirt to that band’s concert. We already know you are a fan. You bought a ticket. Attendant commandments include: I shall not blast the performing band from my car stereo while waiting in gridlock in the parking lot of the concert venue, and under no circumstances will I emulate the dress of the performers like a pathetic, dorky lemming. All you dress-alike Jack White fans looked like Mennonites. I shall respect my fellow concert goers and not place the world’s largest tarp on the ground in general admission in an attempt to save room for my six late-arriving friends. Conversely, thou shalt not dip in the show after the curtain drops and expect to shove thy way to the front. Early birds get the good seats. Late arrivals expect to compromise on proximity to the stage or encounter intense wrath from the long-suffering and dedicated early birds. If your late ass wants a view, spring for the expensive assigned seating. I shall further respect my co-fans by actually watching the performance rather than spending the whole show with my back to the stage trying to get high. But on that note…
Thou shalt share thy bud.
Thou shalt resist the temptation to sing along to every song regardless if thy know all the words.
Thou shalt use the phrases “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me” liberally when negotiating the crowd.
Thou shalt not bring a beach ball. Who are you anyway? Every fucking show with the fucking beach ball. Enough with the beach balls.
Do you know that we waste a third of our water on the lawn and landscaping? Of that third, almost 50% of that water is misused or wasted by poor system design, over watering, or evaporation. Most folks water their lawns too long and too often. This just means you have to cut the grass more, and the lawn mower creates several different sources of pollution.
Furthermore, I get so sick of looking at manicured grass. Who am I to discriminate between a dandelion and grass and decide one plant has more right to thrive than the other? A champion of biodiversity, I will not adhere to this country’s hegemonic pro-grass agenda. I just have a sneaking suspicion that a day will come sooner rather than later when we will look back with disgust at the amount of clean drinkable water we dumped into all our precious lawns.
If the day after Christmas has left you with a holiday hangover, consider using the last precious days of the year to accomplish a few unmet goals. Rather than waiting until NYE to make some phony resolution, begin the new year with the confidence that comes from triumphing over obstacles. First off, your space is filthy, so a good pre-New Year purge wouldn’t hurt, right? Like when is the last time you really mopped? What difference would 3 hours dedicated to tidiness make in your life? What impact could a donation of all your unused crap mean to someone in need? Now is your chance to make up for snubbing that Salvation Army bell ringer this year. It is never too late for generosity.If your goal this year was to cultivate fun, you still have 5 days to plan an execute a bitching NYE party. How about a trade-your-most-hideous-gift exchange party? The fiesta provides another avenue to declutter (see #1) and an opportunity to trade it for something you might actually like, even if only ironically.
Schedule preventative care appointments. Now is as good a time as any to schedule dentist, mammogram, colonoscopy and all those other screenings that can save you from critical malfunctions. Maintenance is everything. I care for you and want you healthy for 2o12 and beyond.
Here’s to rising to the challenge of accomplishing more in the last week of the year than bong hits and Teen Mom 2 marathons.
You are viewing the Grass tag archives.