Tag Archives: groom

Weirdest Wedding

 

PEAR TITSI attended the weirdest wedding this weekend.  I don’t know the couple very well, but they seemed hopelessly in love and I sincerely wish them a lifetime of happiness.  That said, they made some truly bizarre aesthetic and organizational choices that I must share with you.  I think it goes without saying that aesthetic opinions are not personal and the following judgmental bitchiness is merely recreational.  We all understand that ultimately it makes no difference what I think as long as the couple enjoyed their blessed day.  With that prologue behind us, let’s get to dissecting every poorly chosen detail.CUTOFFSThe ceremony was held at a large suburban church at 3 pm.  Our presence was requested at a quarter till and we arrived promptly on time.  Tardiness to weddings or funerals is absolutely unacceptable.  As we initially entered, folks were gathered around.  There were no greeters per se, but a guy shouted out us from across the room “to sign in over there.”  We walked up to a table where a number of mirrors were spread out on a table and a chick wearing fairy wings thrust a martini glass full of sharpies at us and ordered us to sign.  Uhhh, anybody got an eightball?  The only time I see mirrors arranged horizontally is when I’m railing lines off the top.  Shit, if it’s going to be that kind of a party I’m gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.MIRROR GUEST BOOKSA few young women handed out thick (50+page) programs bound with glossy covers complete with photos of the couple.  A basket of mini namesake pencils sat on the table.  Only when we were ushered inside and seated did I start flipping through the program and realize that in addition to photos, memories, and the story of how the couple met, there were a number of mazes, word games, and trivia to play in the back of the program.  Was the couple planning for us to have a lot of down time in the coming hours?GREGORIANThe couple selected Gregorian chants for their pre-ceremony music.  Let’s celebrate our love listening to druids moan.  This was just the beginning of a number of ill-advised decisions the couple made in the realm of auditory accompaniment.   When it was time for the processional, each set of bridesmaid and groomsman werked their own theme song for their aisle walk.  That’s 5 different 30 second snippets of seemingly unrelated music played jarringly back-to-back.  The milky twilight song was involved folks.  The bride walked down the aisle to Hard to Concentrate by the Chili Peppers.  Nothing like getting serenaded by the Keanu Reeves of rock music on your wedding day.  G-sus.  Look, I get it, not everybody loves Brahms, but the music should be as classic and enduring as you hope the relationship to be.  If you must include the Chili Peppers, why not have a friend play an acoustic version on the guitar?  I can almost guarantee Grandma won’t adequately appreciate a Frusciante guitar solo in the Lutheran church ya’ll.FAIRY BRIDESMAIDSYou are dying to know about the bridesmaids’ dresses, right?  Bright Green.  Sateen.  Mini.  Bustled.  Flip-flops.  Fairy wings.  Truly Hateful.  The wedding dress reflected a similar level of discernment: white, sateen, gathered, sequined, fit-and-flare, topped with a tiara.  That’s my best effort at diplomacy people.BRIDE The ceremony itself was an unusual mix of super traditional Christian elements (The Lord’s Prayer, Unity Candle, Bible readings) and pagan imagery (plastic butterflies and fake flower arches).  The two exchanged hand-written vows.  The ceremony should culminate in a loving kiss, but instead the bride initiated a smooch and the groom reciprocated two lousy dry pecks in return.  I don’t need tongue or anything, but it was a dispassionate, disappointing, inexcusably limpdick showing.SMOOCHThe ceremony suffered from a number of guest disruptions.  I have never seen so many tiny babies at a wedding.  There were at least 3 infants and two were newborns.  Naturally, one cried throughout the ceremony and could be heard wailing from the gathering space outside.  Also in attendance was a teenage boy who I can only guess suffered from autism.  He had violent, loud, and aggressive outbursts which his weary parents repeatedly tried to contain.  A cell phone rang.  One dude wore shorts, a tank top, and flip-flops.  I am not kidding.WEAR SHOESThe ceremony concluded by 3:45 pm and the reception hosted by a nearby chain hotel didn’t start until 5 pm.  Now I understand the dense program and the monogrammed golf pencils.  Kill time doing a word search bitch.MAZESAfter dicking around for awhile in the car, we arrived at the reception starving and thirsty.  Channeled into a narrow hotel corridor outside the banquet room, guests were forced to precariously balance drinks, plates, and purses while standing awkwardly in the hall.  Hors d’oeuvres consisted of crudites and cheese & crackers.  Drinks, including non-alcoholic beverages, were available only by cash bar.  Did you hear me Lisa?  Nobody hates a cash bar like my friend Lisa.  That means my Diet Coke was $3 plus tip.  And the bartender was a complete cunt despite my charming demeanor.  Most of the guests hit up the lobby Starbucks and walked around with plastic cups with protruding green straws.  I just couldn’t bring myself to travel that far into tacky town.CENTERPIECE STARBUXWe snacked on the meager offerings and sipped our diminutive sodas.  Then we waited for what seemed like an eternity for the doors to open to the banquet hall – which they finally did – nearly an hour late.  Nothing like the sense of urgency of the listless underpaid staff at a chain hotel.  We located our table and sat down to our plastic butterfly martini glass centerpiece.  I surveyed the room and realized it was damn near a third empty.  Did that many guests RSVP and not show up I wondered?  (Leah Love asked you bitches to RSVP)  Most of the tables had empty chairs and there were some tables that were MORE empty than not.  It was the strangest thing and the explanation behind the soft turnout remained a mystery all night.  Empty chairs at the ceremony or reception simply cannot happen.CAM00060We sat with a fun, but cartoonishly odd, off-color couple from Canada along with his equally kooky sister and her Donn Gunvalsonesqe husband.  The slutty underage nieces kept coming over and pressing their nubile young titties on the toothy Uncle’s temples in exchange for shots of Jäger.  The whole scene nearly made me chunder my surprisingly delicious specially-plated vegetarian loaf.  A little tip from me to you: request vegan at weddings and often you’ll get your own specially prepared plate which allows you to bypass the buffet entirely (or barffet as we affectionately refer to it here at DC).  Later, the fortiesish wife of the handsy Uncle reappeared after a lengthy absence attired in one of the heinous Kermit-green bridesmaid dresses.  I have no idea who she shanked to get it or why.  Weirdest wedding ever.VEGGIE LOAFThe couple had a cute photo booth with funny hats and whatnot.  Everyone seemed to enjoy taking a cute souvenir picture.PHOTO BOOTHDuring dinner, the weary parents let the teenage autistic kid sit in the middle of the dance floor growling and yanking on a rubber cobra.  It was odd and distracting.  I sympathize with the entire situation.  Though perhaps the expectation that this severely disabled young man could endure a lengthy reception without causing serious disruption was somewhat unrealistic.KIDNAPPINGThe couple participated in a rather desperate and tasteless cash grab stunt involving the kidnapping and ransoming of the bride.  Cash was demanded for her return.  Cash was counted aloud.  More cash was requested.  Sorry guys, I spent all my cash at the bar on this watered-down well Scotch.CAM00071The wedding cake was a waxy chocolate with vaguely raspberry-flavored filling.  It was not delicious, but regardless of expense, wedding cake rarely is.RAINBOW CAKEThe bride and groom danced their first dance to a reworking of The Postal Service’sSuch Great Heights.”  It started slow and ended ska.  Embarrassingly, during the ska part the groom actually skanked around the dance floor.  The autistic kid had to be forcibly restrained and frankly I understood why.  It was all I could do to restrain myself.ACDJWhen the Brian-Johnson-from-AC/DC-resembling lesbian DJ started spinning top forty hits of the 80’s and 90’s and the white people started dancing, we decided to Walk Like an Egyptian right out the door while some of our dignity remained intact.DONUT DRESSBest wishes to the bride and groom.  Thank you for including me in your fairy tale day.  May your Mexican honeymoon be free of faucet ass and cartel kidnappings.MEXICAN KIDNAPPING

When a Fight Becomes a Friendship-ender

Those of you with long memories remember that just about a year ago I was preparing to attend the wedding of one of my best friends.  Despite the build-up, I mysteriously never mentioned the weekend again which some of you surely found annoying and some of you never noticed.

I’d rather not get into the complicated details out of respect for my former friend.  Needless to say, bad communication, weird energy, and selfish behavior all around caused what has amounted to an irreparable rift.

Keep in mind, this relationship spans over a decade.

So the question becomes, if neither party reaches out after an extended silence, is the friendship over?

Is it better to be stubborn, right, and lonely, or forgiving and rich with friends?

Or is it the very event of a wedding that shifts the agenda for all involved?  Can some friendships simply not survive a wedding?  Does the solidification of one relationship spell doom for another?  Only if you hate the person your friend is marrying.  Which isn’t necessarily the case here.  It isn’t so much I hated the groom.  It’s more that I hated who my friend became around the groom.

I’ve often considered reaching out to this friend, but something always stops me — usually one of my other friends who likes to periodically remind me how poorly we were treated at the ceremony after traveling many miles and undertaking great expense to support our friend’s union.

Knowing my dear friend as I do, I suspect she still checks this website from time to time.  If that’s the case, I hope she knows that despite the obstacles between us I do wish her and her husband well.  Perhaps now they’ve even begun on their little family.

Nearly a year has passed since we last spoke, and I suppose it is time to move this conflict from the active to closed file.  I do so with a heavy heart.  For many months, I held out hope we would reconcile, but some opposing forces are too polarized to ever meet in the middle.  The only useful thing I learned in Brownies – Make New Friends, but Keep the Old.  One is Silver and the Other Gold

Our friendship may be tarnished, but this girl will always be gold to me.

a word on weddings

As many of you know, I served as a bridesmaid on Friday.  I wore the matching dress – the whole bit.  This wedding was one of the most fun I’ve been to, which in all honesty, was an unexpected surprise.  The whole event got me thinking of the best and worst ceremonies I’ve attended, and what makes some of these events sing while others are off key.  After much nuptial analysis and observation, I humbly offer these considerations when either planning or attending a ceremony.  A chill bride goes a long way in making a wedding day bearable for everyone else.  What makes for a relaxed bride?  An attentive bridal party.  As a bridesmaid your only job is to say “What do you need? What can I get you?  You are the most beautiful.”  The rest of the time anticipate the needs of the bride and her parents.  Remember that attending a wedding as a bridesmaid is a job.  It doesn’t end until the bride pulls away from the reception.  My devotion was so unwavering that I hoisted the bride’s dress up while she peed and lifted her train up all night so it wouldn’t drag in the mud.   I lost a strap on my shoe and improvised with a ribbon and kept it moving.  I doubt anyone really noticed, and I even got a few compliments on my shoes.  Some guests thought it was a creative fashion statement, which really isn’t that farfetched since I’ve been known to wear some pretty fucking random shit on occasion.  Thankfully, I found the strap of my brand new Jeffrey Campbells later that night. Expect at least one bridesmaid, close female friend, or relative to come completely unhinged before or during the big day.  The myriad motivations behind these dramatics vary greatly, but typically include at the very least jealousy, existential crisis, groom hating, Peter Pan Syndrome, and more.  Don’t bother trying to root out the ire.  Just distance yourself from the negativity.  Wait until after the honeymoon to decide if the behavior is a relationship deal-breaker. Friction between the bride’s dad and the groom isn’t exactly uncommon.  Most of that tension can be dealt with early and honestly if the groom nuts up and asks Dad for the bride’s hand.  Some will find this antiquated.  Let me be perfectly clear – the conversation is not some fucked up cow-trading dowry conversation.  The purpose of the chat is to provide the opportunity for any parental concerns to be voiced.  It is also a gesture of respect and goes a long way in garnering good will.  Gays should talk to parents too if feasible under the particular circumstances. Speaking of gays, have some sensitivity to the fact that your best gay friends may be really sick of attending straight weddings when most cannot legally marry themselves.  We’ve discussed buffets here on DC before.  As far as I’m concerned, buffets = barffets.  Consider family style, served plated, or heavy hors d’oeuvres as an alternative.  Don’t you find passed tray hors d’oeuvres kind of  awkward for both server and guest?  Ask yourself when you’ve ever truly been thrilled with a buffet, and then admit that wedding buffets are notoriously bad.  What is it with the limp-ass sauteed vegetable medley?  I love vegetables, but this oft-presented dish is a good reason why they get a bad reputation.  Food must be delicious, appropriately hot or cold, and of a large variety.  Provide fruits, vegetables, cheeses, nuts, and yummy bread, in addition to other options, so those with specific dietary needs can negotiate the meal without a fuss.  Much more to come on weddings and more little doves.  The internet is finally up and running in my new nest, so expect a full posting schedule moving forward.  Thanks again for your kindness and commitment.  Hugs, DC