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Johnny Depp (Ralph Lauren) and Amber Heard (Balenciaga) are like two positively charged ions that repel me.It was ill-fitting Givenchy for the Carters. Think Kanye’s pussy hurts because Tisci is cheating on him with Jay? Of course Gucci dressed their spokesbitch Blake and her overrated Reynolds. Gsus, her body won’t quit. Are these Beckhams human or did someone snatch their wax statues from Madame Tussauds? David’s in Ralph Lauren and Victoria’s in a gown of her own design. My favorite couple of the night Emma Stone (in Thakoon) + Andrew Garfield. The brides wore Lanvin. This is a major improvement over the sofa Kim wore last year, but this gown is still too bulky for her diminutive size. By the look on her face, I can’t tell if Sarah Silverman is in on the joke and that concerns me. For a homely guy, Michael Sheen snags a lot of interesting pussy, no?
I’m gagging for…
Hate the bangs, but I enjoy the way this inky gown drapes your body Karen O. A capelet crusader, Kate Hudson in Versace Atelier. Kevin Spacey in blueberry Burberry. Hathaway defensively donned a Gucci breastplate.
i’m heaving for…
Wrinkled, boring, and confusing, someone explain Sandy B in this pageanty Alexander McQueen?
If Orange Julius raped a praying mantis this Kelly Ripa moment would be the unholy outcome.
Speaking of praying mantis, Portia needs to lay off the botox for real.
This shitty suit doesn’t even fit. Who let Lutz in? Did he sneak in with a tray of hors d’oeuvres?
The Golden Globes fashion was so utterly weak sauce it isn’t worth the duplicative discussion to go ballsdeep in an indepth review. Lesbihonest, it’s a particularly bleak year when a pregnant woman steals the fashion show. No offense expectants.Even though she looks like a sexy swamp creature, Olivia Wilde wore this Gucci with a great deal of confidence. Also slightly less ratchet than the other chickens was Reese Witherspoon in Calvin Klein. Yes, it is a simple dress, but it fits and the color suits her. My primary critique is that the head-to-toe look reads too summery for January. Lastly, I can rarely despise anything about Cate Blanchett especially her incredible back displayed in Armani Prive.
The worst dressed was pretty much everybody else. Such Bad Choices.
I know everyone’s dick is hard for Lupita Nyong’o in the caped Ralph Lauren, but this dress is basically Gwyneth’s white Tom Ford number in red. I’m over it Little Red Riding Hood.
Charlotte OlympiaBottega VenetaStella McCartney
Christian DiorRoger Vivier
Oscar de la Renta
Donna KaranDolce & GabbanaDerek LamChristian DiorAlexander McQueenGucciMichael Kors
I commence this year’s Oscar fashion criticism frenzy with Kelly Osbourne in Tony Ward Couture because this is the dress I stared at longest and ultimately found most controversially interesting among a thicket of bland and boring looks. Was Charlize exquisite in Dior Haute Couture? I guess. Is it memorable? No. Am I bored? Very. Is she serving a little Sharon Stone with that hair and smirk? Yes. Aniston possesses a rare talent for making Valentino look like the Macy’s Prom Collection. Stand up straight bitch. This tin-tittied mess is Anne Hathaway in Prada. Nobody noticed the diamonds, that’s for sure. When I see Halle Berry in this Versace, I want to pronounce it Versayce. I despise everything about Amanda Seyfried in this Alexander McQueen: the bridesmaid hair, the pageant pose, and the washed out non-color of the firefly patterned gown. Jessica Chastain has truly never looked better in impeccably-tailored spiderweb Armani. I don’t love Melissa McCarthy in this ill-fitting David Meister, but I will always love Melissa McCarthy. Jennifer Lawrence lacks a style identity. I suspect Dior hands her a dress and she obediently wears it. One of the best dressed of the evening, Octavia Spencer looks fantastic in this soft pink Tadashi Shoji.A wrinkled mess, Kerry Washington served some sorbet Miu Miu. It’s too long, no?I don’t get dead-eyed Kristen Stewart in Reem Acra. I know she makes some bitches swoon, but to me she is not everything. Can she close her mouth? What’s up with her constant open mouth? It’s creepy.This Louis Vuitton just doesn’t fit Reese Witherspoon, and the fabric isn’t modern. Nicole Kidman wore L’Wren Scott and I think we can agree it was a decent choice for her. It’s a little fussy for my personal taste, but she wears it well and looks luminous. Let’s finish with the couples: Naomi Watts wore Armani Privé. Armani far and away fit the best dresses of the night. Ben & Jen, she in Gucci, but it doesn’t matter what she wears because nothing pops on this girl.