Tag Archives: Gwyneth Paltrow

slackadaisical

OVERSCHEDULED

Apologies.  It’s been an every-other-day type of week.  I won’t makes excuses; we’re all over-scheduled.  Let’s catch up, shall we?

PALTROW AND MARTIN

A word on Paltrow and Martin, I’m surprised she stayed as long as she did.  Sure, she’s insufferable, but he’s fermented into cheddar along with his crappy soft-rock band.  He’s no longer a prestige partner, and Gwyneth only does prestige, hunny.  Speculation continues to swirl over who fucked whom during the rumored open marriage.  Do you think Jay-Z belongs in that rumor mill, ya’ll?

JAYZ AND PALTROW

Regarding the plane, I’m just going to say it though it may be irresponsible.  I think the missing plane was shot down by the military – probably accidentally.  Which country’s military, I don’t know, but they are drawing attention to the end of the earth for a reason.  It’s a classic diversion and cover-up scenario.  The whole situation is super suspicious.  My heart aches for the families in the emotional limbo of unknowing.

UNKNOWING

I finished my taxes myself.  Like middle school, I’m just glad it’s over.

TAX COLLECTORS OFFICE

 

February 2014 Horoscopes

AquariusCHRISTOPHER GUEST AND JAMIE LEE

Happy Birthday Aquarius!  The sun beams down on you from above, so you better make sure you look good!  Get right in February with a personal spruce.  Complete important communications and contracts during the first week of the month before Mercury goes retrograde the sixth through the twenty-eighth.  Rather than grandstanding during your birthday acceptance speech, turn those proclamations into appreciativeness.  As for Valentine’s Day, a full moon illuminates your house of commitment.  Engagement anyone?  Single?  This month could bring a true partner.  Post-Valentine’s Day it’s time to buckle down and get back to work.  This industriousness continues for the next month during which your main priorities are productivity and performance.  Now is an excellent time to evaluate whether everything in your life is rising up to meet you.  Take extra good care of yourself as your immunity is compromised and you are susceptible to stress and illness.  Step back and engage your expansive world view to see that all these little hassles are ultimately insignificant.

Pisces

CHRIS AND GWYNETH

Let go Pisces!   Now is the time to surrender to the intense fatigue you’re experiencing.  Hibernate and look back on the last year before your birthday celebrations commence.  Are there things left undone that you’ve been needling yourself to finish?  When you are out and about, your interactions with others won’t feel quite right.  Your first impression won’t be your best.  With Mercury in retrograde in Pisces until the twelfth, resist radical change in any department.  State any instructions clearly and succinctly even if it feels tedious, it will save you much disappointment later.  In your friendship tribe, don’t repeat anything you don’t want repeated.  If you spread gossip, you’ll be hunted down and confronted.  Others will try to shift the blame your way.

AriesVICTORIA AND DAVID

Thank goodness for Aries in February because you coax the hibernators to party.  This socializing has a side order of practicality attached since a few of these associations prove influential.  February sends Mercury back into retrograde and you know what that means: communication breakdown, technological glitches, and the resurfacing of contacts from your past.  February presents a superb opportunity to finally close the trap door to your heart’s ancient pain.  Recognize this pain as a pathological block to your evolution.  The remainder of the month requires a great deal of collaboration.  Working with others ain’t easy, Aries.  Expect the standard interpersonal drama, then add some extra hatery for a clearer picture of the anticipated group dynamic.  Stay far, far away from the meaningless squabbles.  Continue to clearly and patiently reiterate your expectations.  So you want to know about Valentine’s Day, huh?  Unattached Aries, scroll down your contacts list until a spark flies off an old friend.  Committed Aries, go ballsdeep in the romance department – spare no cliché or expense.

Taurus

VINCENT AND ALEXIS

Charged with ambition and a new moon in your career sector, February sets forth a six month strategy for achieving major milestones, Taurus.  Mercury’s retrograde makes this a miserable time for travel, technology, and clarity.  Expect conflict to arise from the confusion.  If things get heated, just withdraw and come back later when the energy is more conducive to resolution.  Use the thrust of Mercury’s backspin to – rearrange, edit, review, and reassess.  Your heart and home are lit from within this Valentine’s Day.  Stay in and nest.  Enjoy entertaining family and friends.  The last third of the month Taurus gets more interested in socializing.  Particularly adept at rounding folks up on social media, use your web reach to gather your people into one big lovefest.  Watch out for untrustworthy motivations and remain skeptical.  Stay off the booze.

Gemini

SARKOZY AND OLSEN

February is about big thinking Gemini – an expansion and broadening of your world view.  Whether it’s travel, study, business, or philanthropy, Gemini wants to stretch the boundaries of your current life.  With your ruler Mercury retrograde in Pisces, not all your energy will be forward moving, especially with regard to career.  Finish what is left undone.  Guard against saboteurs.  Minimize distractions.  Later this month, long term professional goals come into focus.  Priorities become clearer.  The last week of the month expect some relationship drama.  As your confidence grows, so does conflict.  Fights erupt over sex, money, and jealousy.  Your special someone baits you repeatedly in an effort to get you to show that you care.  You respond with emotional detachment.  Happy Valentine’s Day Gemini.

Cancer

WENDY WILLIAMS KEVIN HUNTERFebruary is the time for some serious self-work.  Some Cancers are so emotionally overloaded that you have to insulate in various (often destructive) ways from your own feelings.  Now is the time to face your emotions, stare yourself down, and finally get a handle on your internal world.  Consider this full-on permission to feel it all.  Cancer exudes sexuality this February which coincides nicely with Valentine’s Day; the uptick in clinginess and jealously, not so much.  Expect some tension with your partner when you assert your own needs.  No legitimate reason to sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship except you secretly enjoy the control you assert over the arrangement.  Ultimately, neither of you will benefit from such an imbalanced power dynamic.  With Mercury in retrograde in your travel house, best to just stay put unless a trip proves absolutely necessary.  This retrograde also means you might piss people off with a condescending comment, so spend more time listening than talking.  February’s flush with cash, but save instead of spend.

Leo

IMAN AND DAVID BOWIE

Lucky Leo, the stars align for love and partnership in February.  Thriving in collaboration, you generously give and thereby receive in return.  February softens your ego and need for attention allowing you to temporarily share shine with others.  Finances serve as potential conflict hotspots this month.  Shelve any non-urgent money talks.  With Mercury retrograde in Aquarius, imbalances will become apparent and a need for fairness kicks in hard.  Let everyone take the time they need without bullying them into your terms.  Plan a big, confident debut for Valentine’s Day.  After the amorous celebrations wind down, recharge at home with a cuddle on the sofa.  Lions need privacy too, especially in February.  Spend extra time in bed catching up on sleep and sipping on nourishing soups as Leo suffers compromised immunity this month.  In addition, the stress of a betrayal robs you of energy.

Virgo NATE BERKUS JEREMIAH BRENT

Ready, set, organize Virgo!  You are motivated with lists, plans, and goals this February, particularly in the areas of health and fitness.  Quiet the chaos and return to order, and start with your own body Virgo.  Mercury’s retrograde could strain relationships or cause you to overlook critical details.  Review documents thoroughly and excise unnecessary stress.  Valentine’s Day presents a make or break epiphany moment for your relationship.  In the clear light of the full moon you see once and for all whether you can make a go of it with your sweetheart.  If it is time to go, you’ll know.  Distrust permeates all your relationships this month.  Others perceive your concern as prying.  Proceed cautiously; if at all.  All this volatility can easily take you off center.  Take whatever measures necessary to get back to yourself.

Libra

JOEL AND NICOLE

This February, get creative with that legendary Libran beauty and amplify your sex appeal.  Enjoy glamorous evenings flirting, but expect of a few of those coquettish comments to land unintended.  Your intense desire for attention could spiral into drama if you don’t channel it into more constructive endeavors.  Display your creative gifts and receive the right kind of attention.  Don’t forget your friends on Valentine’s Day.  For some of you February means the conception of a baby as you are especially fertile, even if communication with your partner is somewhat strained.  You don’t need to talk to fuck.  Mercury’s retrograde means disorganization and scheduling chaos for Libra.  You may also get a little lax in your wellness maintenance.  The demands of work and home ram up against each other.  Another woman in your family hits a nerve with her comments about the way you distribute your resources and handle your personal biznass.  How will you respond to the dig?

Scorpio

PHAEDRA AND APOLLO

Cozying up at home with family feels right in February, Scorpio.  Root down in solitude and pampering self-care.  Mercury’s retrograde means this is a shitty time to travel, so even if you are dying to flee to sunnier latitudes doing so between the sixth and the twenty-eighth may mean the trip will be more stressful than relaxing.  Furthermore, since the retrograde thins your already transparent tact, spare us all your biting comments by staying home alone.  While you are there, feel free to spruce, but hold off on major makeovers.  Now is not the time.  Valentine’s Day will be more about your professional success than your personal life.  What a nice opportunity to champion your own accomplishments for once.  Towards the end of the month, you are ready to get cute and get out there again.  Do more than contemplate taking risks, actually take them.

SagittariusJULIANNE AND BART

You have much to say this February, Sag.  Make lots of little dates in your neighborhood to catch up with friends and family so you chat everybody’s ear off.  You will feel an almost compulsive need to explain yourself, but with Mercury’s retrograde your message will likely get lost in translation no matter how many times you repeat it.  More than a few squabbles could erupt in your already tense household when your mindlessness ruins something important.  Money and the division of responsibilities also become hot button issues.  Slow down and take care to avoid accidents.  Speak your truth on Valentine’s Day.  It’s time to lay your cards on the candlelit table, Sag.  The latter part of the month stay home with your favorite women and talk about your feelings.  These ladies can help you regroup from your emotional frazzle.

Capricorn

KATE AND JAMIE

Capricorn calms down in February after a flurry of fresh energy at the start of the year.  Return to work, money, and stability, which is the nest where you feel most comfortable.  Back up anything electronic, as Mercury in retrograde means lost data.  In general, February is a good time to dial back on the communication overload – put the phone down, turn the computer off, silence your television.  Potential fiscal chaos ensues this month.  Spend less and carefully review accounts.  You may receive a windfall.  Valentine’s Day brings unexpected depth of feeling and intimacy.  Did you even know that you felt this way?  Enjoy the spark.  Use your creative aptitude to express your feelings in song or art.  Towards the end of the month some interesting new folks come into your life with some fascinating stories.  Listen carefully.

Five More Last Minute Halloween Costumes

Rachel ZoeRachel Zoe Shops For Toys In Beverly Hills

Bell Bottoms + sky-high platforms + every accessory you own at once + Starbucks + a lobotomy

RACHEL ZOE STARBUCKS

Gwyneth Paltrow

GWYNETH PALTROWYour most expensive white dress + a flat iron + an air of superiority. GWYNETH BOOK SIGNINGLeo DiCaprio

Cargo shorts + smugness + electronic cigarette + twenty extra pounds + Victoria’s Secret catalog + hangers-on

Leonardo Di Caprio joing sonny day Miami Pictured: leonardo de caprio Ref: SPL484557  220113   Picture by: Splash News Splash News and Pictures Los Angeles:	310-821-2666 New York:	212-619-2666 London:	870-934-2666 photodesk@splashnews.com

Simon Cowell

SIMON COWELL GROSS

A deep V + alert nipples + self-tanner + a complete lack of moral compassSIMON COWELL

Waldo

WALDO

 Red and white striped hat + striped shirt + jeans + glasses

MET GALA 2013: punc as phuc

Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala.  The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there).  The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion.  If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is?  Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction.  I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win.  Is she fucking with us?  I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform.  Nude illusion, really girl?  Pink shiny too short long sleeves?  What?  A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink?  Incomprehensible.  How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year?  So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci.  I’m not sure we can blame him.  All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot.  Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe.  The gloves are totally freaking me out.  Hand camo.  Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style.  I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown.  I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right?  Do we like Annie as a blonde?  I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan.  I do love the orange lip and fishnets.   Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment.  In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously.  She smacks of try.  The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior.  Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP?  Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. Topshop dressed Nicole Richie.  The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair.  Punk Glam Granny?Opa!  Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen.  What did she do to her face?Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart.  Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately.  She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung.  She’s our modern day Audrey.  Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked.  Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately.  Applause. Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume.  For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up.  You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte.  Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem.  The makeup is the best ever for her. Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else.  Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala?  Sheesh.  Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch?  Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga.  Die for the safety pin.  It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be.  Fucking chic.Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors.  The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen!  Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. May we all be this ravishing at her age.  Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper.  

Calm down Gisele.  (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).

Sunday for Ma

The Mamas KnowlesJoan and Christina CrawfordLeo loves his Ma and his G’Ma.Kanye and Donda WestGwyneth and BlytheThe JuddsKathy and Maggie GriffinJoan and MelissaJudy and Liza Kandi and JoyceSean and Janice

MET GALA 2012: impossible conversations about inexplicable selections

As those of us with a pulse know, last night the Met Gala threw down in NYC.  The ball celebrated the opening of the exhibit Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations at the Costume Institute.  Let’s have a conversation about the fucking weird ass choices some of these bitches made last night. It is hard to know where to start, so let’s start with some one who should know better.  Rachel Zoe looks like a fringed push pop in this ridiculous-on-her frock.  Zoe styled Karolina Kurkova (where you been girl?) in a gown from her eponymous line. The dress appears to have been heavily influenced by the Armani gown Zoe dressed Anne Hathaway in for the Oscars not too long ago – that Zoe, always full of fresh ideas.Beyoncé loves that stupid ass pose.  Who the fuck stands like that in real life?  The way she stiffly palms her outer thighs is so forced and unnatural.  Do we need to talk about this Givenchy Couture?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it seems to me that Givenchy cares more about appearing on the red carpet than maintaining a high standard of brand integrity.  By my totally unscientific estimation, about one in ten times Givenchy gets it right with their red carpet loaners.  Sorry B, this is definitely not one of those times.  I hate almost every single thing about this dress.  It took some nutz for Christina Ricci to rock this odd Thakoon number.  It isn’t perfect, but it is courageous.  Is she going through another praying mantis phase or is it just a pre-Met crash diet?If Laura Ashley and a flora chintz sofa made a bastard love child, this Valentino blanket that SJP is wearing would be the unholy spawn.  Jessica Paré wore the shit out of this L’Wren Scott gold cap sleeve.  No dummy, our little Megan obviously plans to squeeze every last drop of exposure from her Mad Men supporting role.  Good for her, this was one of the better ensembles of the evening. From one Mrs. Draper to another, January Jones typically pushes boundaries, at times at the expense of flattery.  The more I look at this sculpted Versace, the less it offends me.  Yeah, the peplum has been overdone this season, and yeah yellow and black tends to evoke bumble bee, but I think this is a bold and interesting post-baby choice.  She’s done worse. Lately, Emma Stone has made me forget why I like her.  The color, shape, texture, and timing of this Lanvin cocktail frock is all wrong for this season and this event.  Did she get lost on her way to homecoming?Carey Mulligan co-hosted the event and wore this shield to protect her soul from the despotic clutches of Anna Wintour. Paltrow predictably in Prada presenting a pinch of side boob.  Have we reached a consensus on whether she conservatively augmented her tatas after Moses?  If she’s going to continue to push those absurd Tracy Anderson workouts then she might want to actually wear something that celebrates her hard-fought body.  Unfinished is the word I would use to describe this look.Is Cameron just straight up old now or what?  Squint – is this Sharon Stone or Cameron DiazStella McCartney provided the matronly gown.  Stella McCartney is just mean with some of the ugly ass shit she makes her friends wear, damn.Claire Danes evoked a little Betty Draper from the neck up, which was a welcome departure from her minimalist tendency.  J Mendel conceived of the ill-fitting garment.  The cut accentuates her tiny top and then betrays her by creating the illusion of a big bottom.  Face it, she’s serving sleeveless bathrobe. First, why are these two getting married?  I dislike them each individually more when they are together.  Biel looks like she hemmed that dress with two-sided tape 5 minutes before she strode onto the carpet.  We all know very well that Jessica Biel couldn’t dress herself  if she were locked in a Chanel store.  When it comes to Biel, the expectations are very low.  Yet she still repeatedly fails to meet them.  Much like Justin Timberlake’s acting career.  Dunst looks pissed.  I’d be pissed to if I wore that random shit to the fashion event of the year.  I hate this evening suit almost as much as I hate that overrated Melancholia.Hey Flo!  I truly appreciate your willingness to go balls to the wall.  At Coachella, you served me desert couture and I’m grateful for it.  However, you are not Lady Gaga.  This fussy layered McQueen is an overreach that reads more costume than gala. Prabal Gurung is a pimp.  That’s called swagger bitches.  Recognize. One of the best dressed of the evening – Marion Cotillard in head to toe Dior.  Don’t usually love a sheer bottom, but this dress photographs and fits beautifully.  J’adore. We saw quite a few subtle variations on a very similar look; here Rihanna does the long-sleeved reflective column in black Tom Ford.  Snooze. Scarjo no!  This embellished, pink, antiquated Dolce & Gabbana mess had no bizness at the Met Gala.  I need more modernity from you Scarlett!  You are not a little girl anymore; evolve past this princessy shit. Bad Grandma!  Bad, bad Grandma!  We told you not to leave Shady Pines without a nurse’s aid.  Oh wait, that’s just Mary Kate at the Met GalaJessica Alba improved over last year, but she should have worn this dress then when this Michael Kors metallic lamé might have felt fresh.  Did Brad Goreski style her again this year?The unofficial perennial Prom King and Queen of the Met Ball, Gisele and Tom  stuck to boring black this year.  Is it me or does that photo reveal a bit of tension between the power couple?

Hey Kanye, Anna wouldn’t let you bring Kim?

Three for Thursday + The Conversation

First, congratulations to Giuliana and Bill, who predictably selected the gestational carrier option in their quest for offspring that shares their genetic material.  Will they include the child in next season of their reality show?  I predict the calculated couple film the whole entire birth, hand-off, and reception.  Just a hunch.  Second, Tyra fired Nigel, Miss J and Mr. Jay!  That’s everybody.  I don’t even watch ANTM anymore, but really what is Top Model without those three? Third, you’re watching Girls right?  I enjoyed Tiny Furniture, and after two episodes of Girls, I think I’m enjoying it too.  I’m cautiously optimistic for the painfully self-aware HBO series.Gonna tune in tonight to watch The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet?  (Ever seen Fall?  1997 cult classic.  Look into it.  Fun fromage.)  Gwyneth is on the premiere.  The Conversation will be annoyingly pretentious and therefore unmissable.

2012 Oscars Style Review: The Best, The Worst, The Most, The Toast

The Best: Emma Stone in Giambattista Valli

This gorgeous gown fit her body perfectly, accentuated her tiny waist, and stood out in a sea of mediocrity.  Don’t love the accessories, but I’m not in the mood to quibble.

You Saw It Here First: Shailene Woodley in Valentino Couture

Fresh from the couture collections, Shailene Woodley wore this modern, white, long-sleeved number.  It might look familiar since we featured it as part of the best of Fall 2012 Couture earlier this month.  It’s a little old for her, and her face would benefit from a pop of color, but not a flop by any means.

Most Confusing: Viola Davis in Vera Wang

This looks like the homicide of Puff the Magic Dragon.  A full-on unmitigated lapse in aesthetic judgment.

Fulfilled Potential: Tina Fey in Carolina Herrera

We’ve all been waiting for Tina Fey to step out looking this good.  Finally, she’s really come into her own in this navy peplum-detailed gown.

Evoking a Cult Leader: Gwyneth Paltrow in Tom Ford

I’m not saying I don’t like this, but she’s delivering a whole lot of white here.  Can’t you picture her standing at a podium condescendingly addressing an arena full of Goopies in this odd get-up?   “Follow me, affluent women, to the land of organic peas…”

Most Offensive Overtry: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad

Nude illusion Fruit Stripe Gum.

Culmination of a Bad Fashion Awards Season Run: Jessica Chastain

Fashion-wise, Chastain hasn’t found her identity.  Her style choices were as varied and uneven as her performances this year.  It looks like she skinned Kimora Lee’s sofa.  Let this be a lesson – McQueen is not for everyone.

Let Me Upgrade You: Clooney in Armani, Keibler in Marchesa

Clooney’s clout ensures his girls-of-the-moment have access to all the best fashion houses and some very high-end clothes, but even in all their borrowed sartorial finery, his dates still look like they should be holding cards above their heads in the middle of a wrestling ring.

Most Predictable: Pitt in Tom Ford and Jolie in Versace Atelier

I’m so bored with these two.  Oh, how fucking shocking you two bitches showed up in black.  Close your legs dear, you’re not dancing the can-can.  Ever since I heard that thing she said to him at the Globes, I’ve kinda hated them.  She turned to him and said “you’re prettier than me.”  Fucking voms yo.

The Bridesmaids: Kristin Wiig in J. Mendel

While the bodice of this dress is tailored beautifully for her body, the placement of the break into the texture is awkward and unflattering.

Melissa McCarthy in Marina Rinaldi

Are we calling this mauve?  I’m pretty sure we issued a fatwa on mauve at the end of the 80’s.

Maya Rudolph in Johanna Johnson

Here’s one of the few purple looks of the night.  It’s a safe, conservative, and unoffensive choice.  The side-swept hair is very Mariah.

Building Relationships Pays Off: Octavia Spencer in Tadashi Shoji

After favorable reviews from fashion folk for her Globes look, Octavia went back to Tadashi Shoji for her Oscar gown.  Clearly, cultivating that relationship has paid off; the designer knows her body and the fit is beautiful.  Second best of the night.

Dress I wanna like, but Don’t: Cameron Diaz in Gucci

I really want to like this Gucci gown, but I don’t.  She needs a waist and this dress gives her no shape through the torso.  It reminds me of a melting chocolate and vanilla soft-serve twist cone.

Consistently Wasted Potential: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton

This dress is too fussy, ill-fitting, and heavy for such a delicate wisp of a girl.  This ensemble ain’t right – the necklace, the bag (and I get where they are going with the clash, but here, no), and that gawd awful frump of a saloon-girl-gone-wrong disaster of a frock.

Sure to be Critically EvisceratedRooney Mara in Givenchy

No one will get this.  Even if they did, the cut isn’t flattering to her body.  If you do avant-garde, you have to do it impeccably.

Post-baby Blah: Natalie Portman in vintage Dior

She gave birth to a new era of shitty style.

Two A-List Underwhelmers: Sandra Bullock in Marchesa and Penelope Cruz in Giorgio Armani.

Sandra’s dress isn’t doing her body any favors.  Is a gold shrub trying to munch her bush?  WTF?  Pene, you are almost forty, enough with the princess shit.  Join us in 2012.

GRAMMY 2012: whitney’s wake

The best of the night were all appropriately in black.  Rihanna plunged in the front and sloped low in the back in this major ArmaniGwyneth repped her inner-circle in Stella McCartney.  From the neck down Gwyneth looks amazing, but she’s looking a little inflamed in the face.  Bad bronzer or bad eight ball?  You decide.  Adele turned it out in Armani.  We sure as fuck knew she wouldn’t wear Chanel after Karl’s latest round of bad Grandpa fat comments.Not all the black was good; Julianne Hough wasted her crazy toned body in this unflattering and boring Kaufmanfranco.Bruno Mars gave a little ankle in this fashion-forward Thom Browne look.  Not everyone will get it, but I appreciate the effort. Saggy tits.  That’s the first thing that comes to mind when I see Katy Perry in this Elie Saab gown.  The sophomoric blue hair and the pastel Tinkerbell gown are enough to induce the heaves.  This girl cannot sing, she cannot dress, and therefore I have no use for her.  No use at all.  Good day Katy Perry.  I said good day.And the “desperately seeking attention” award goes to….miz Minaj.  She has talent, so why won’t she lead with it?  It’s Versace by the way.  The cape not the bishop. Let’s work our way through the “irrelevant in white” category.  Kathy Griffin wore Michael Kors rather well.  Why is it when she looks better she’s less funny?Kate Beckinsale usually shows up to these events in overblown ball gowns, so this Zuhair Murad is actually a surprisingly appropriate choice for her.  She still can’t ditch the pageant hair, but baby steps are still progress.  Paris Hilton wore a well-tailored Basil Soda.  I’m not on fire for the white and gold combo.  She looks better than usual, but a skosh overdressed.Robyn, L.A. doesn’t do the whole quirky Nordic thing.  Just ask Bjork.  This whole look is an unmitigated hell no. One of the few pops of color, Fergie in Jean Paul Gaultier; I can feel how much she desperately wants our approval, but I must withhold it.  Adam Levine doing his best Scott Disick.  Between Scott and Adam, who do you think gets called “douche” more often to his face?Taylor Swift is like the Nicole Kidman of the under-25 set.  This over-serious frock is a Zuhair Murad creation.