Tag Archives: hate

FB = cutesy cat poster

FB FINGEROk, so hell hath frozen over or whatever because my social media coordinator forced me to get a Facebook page.  I have staunchly avoided having a FB page.  I’ve always considered FB invasive, time-wasting, mundane, and stupid.  Gsus, was I right or was I right?   This is what you guys have been doing this whole time on the interwebs? Back in the 80’s everyone had these nauseatingly cutesy cat posters like these….HANG IN THERE OH SHITFacebook is the modern intellectual equivalent of staring at these fucking cat posters all day.  Do you think anyone gives a fuck?  I do not give a fuck about your upbeat life quote staged against a sunset.  Fucking gross, yo.  Of course, I care what is really happening with people, but none of that seems to be on FB.   (And KB, if you’re reading, this is not a dig at your Moshi post.  Moshi is allowed.)  And as an aside, what is this “poking” shit?  Poking is aggressive. KITTEN BURGER

Honestly, I’m just there to shill.  My professional FB page will never contain personal content.  From a business building standpoint, I understand why my social media coordinator forced me to launch with a three-prong approach (website, FB, IG), but now that I’m actually on the book of faces, it’s even more inane then I originally thought.  I will begrudgingly participate because it is required, but deep down you know the truth: I hate you, Facebook, and we’re not friends.   FB FACES

a month of sobriety

SEETHING RAGEWell kiddos, I made it a month without smoking grass.  I can hardly believe it myself.  There have been some trying times.  I managed to avoid puffing at a party, during relationship duress, and through several sleepless nights.  After I made it through the physical detox, a new set of psychological challenges emerged.  What surfaced was a deep well of seething rage that I’ve been spouting out in every direction at anyone who even slightly annoys me.  It’s fair to say that without weed, I’m a total cunt.  All my physical symptoms have diminished.  No more sharp pains between my ribs.  The wheeze is gone, as is the choking feeling I experienced around my throat.  My moods, however, need regulation.  For quite some time, I’ve been using ganja like some people use lithium – to manage moods.  While I was aware of my dope dependency, I didn’t realize until I quit that I arrested my emotional development by using instead of feeling.  Now, at this late stage in the life game, I’ve got to come up with new ways to cope with the depressing state of the human condition.  I’m far from figuring out a consistent solution, but I’m working several different angles – yoga, meditation, and therapy, to name a few.  Some days these methods are effective, and I can self-soothe my frustration.  And some days I yell “fat boy” at my neighbor for continuously slamming his door like an obnoxious idiot.  I’m not proud of the way I behave when I get aggressive with others, but I’m working on it.  SHUT UP FAT BOYI also wonder if I will ever be able to successfully reintroduce miss maryjane back into my life in a similar fashion to the relationship I have with alcohol – which is I can take it or leave it.  I don’t crave booze.  I can have a Scotch occasionally with friends and go months without a drink.  It is this relationship of non-attachment that I strive for in every area of my life.  DETACH

damn disconnect

TV LIESSo a few months ago, I kicked cable out of my life in the optimistic quest to provide all my entertainment needs through my computer and Roku.  At first, I felt liberated.  Fuck you Comcast.  You suck so much.  Then I started to feel disconnected.  Yes, you can watch a lot of crap on Hulu, but none of it is FRESH, FRESH, FRESH.  It is at least day-old bread, Hulu’s original programming notwithstanding (add heaping ladle of sarcasm gravy to that biscuit).  It was definitely disorienting to not be able to just flip the remote and experience live TV.  It made me anxious to think that in the face of an emergency I couldn’t find comfort in my local news (which I never watch).  And I really hated not being able to DVR and fast forward through ads.  Furthermore, tracking down my favorite shows became a part-time job and often the quality was less than stellar on those YouTube streams.  Cutting the cable also meant my computer was needed for streaming which means this site suffered because I can’t stream and post at the same time, ya’ll.  I apparently need to be bombarded with stimuli from my television and computer to find true happiness.  Last week, I walked back into the devil’s house to see what kind of contract he could offer me on my soul.  Of course those bastards have some crazy deal where they force you buy a phone line you don’t want, with a modem you don’t need, for one price for one year, and escalating price the second, complete with early termination fees, and a claim to my first born.  Trying to outfox the Comcast crooks, I asked for à la carte pricing, which amounted to about $80 more a month than their satanic triple play contract.  So I guess it’s back to 2 years of indentured cable servitude.COMCASTI’m deeply ambivalent.  When I returned home with my shiny new DVR and immediately accessed Bravo, E!, and HBO with ease, it was the technological equivalent of a warm hug.  Then I caught a glance at the redundant modem they forced on me, and I felt a wave of disgust for the vile and predatory corporation I’m supporting.  It’s like a bad marriage: can’t live with it, can’t live without it.COMCAST BE MINE

lOVE/hATE

BRING IT! TOE TOUCHLove ♥ Bring It!  The Lifetime show features a Mississippi dance team called the Dancing Dolls (and their belligerent parents) getting buck in weekly stand battles. DD4L!BRING IT! HEEL TOUCHHate ≈ Bitter, hateful texts from my Ex.  Really?  It’s been over a year, so I was hoping we were well past the intentionally mean break-up phase.MEANLove ♥ Kirkland Sparkling Flavored Water.  In my quest for a zero calorie natural Diet Coke replacement, I stumbled upon this awesome beverage.  This stuff is magical.  I don’t understand how it’s calorie free, artificial sweetener-free, and still bursts with flavor.  Not only that, it’s fortified with Vitamin D, Niacin, B6, B12, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid, and Green Tea Extract.  I’m suspicious because it is seemingly so guilt-free.  By the way, I haven’t had a single Diet Coke since I quit.  Not one.KIRKLAND SPARKLING FLAVORED WATERHate ≈ My Dumbass Bank.  I spent the week untangling a mess at my financial institution because they are too stupid to understand onion routing, and I was too dumb to know not to use to Tor for online banking.  Let this annoying hassle be a cautionary tale.  Bitcoin is the only currency your Tor should ever see. ONION HEADS

 

i hate you IKEA

I hate you IKEA because you smell funny.  I blame the restaurant.  The Swedes are not known for their cuisine.  A fellow patron spilled one of those ligonberry drinks and I watched as it penetrated the polished concrete floor like battery acid.  I want to throw a Swedish meatball at your stadium-sized head IKEAIKEA CHINAI hate you IKEA because you seduce me with your displays.  While walking through the showroom, it all looks like Oz.  When your resolve has weakened and you are ready to drop your panties for that $199 dresser, follow the yellow brick road down to the warehouse and pull back the curtain to find a sea of gray, bleak cardboard, and overwhelming confusion stacked from floor to ceiling.  IKEA WAREHOUSEI hate you IKEA because you are still the most affordable option for semi-stylish home furnishings.  What makes IKEA a hassle is what makes IKEA cheap.  THAT'S WHYI hate you IKEA because you make your employees wear the ugliest shirts ever made.  Are you furniture referees?  Lemme get you a whistle and maybe you can wrangle some of these deranged children out of the way.IKEA REFEREESI hate you IKEA because you assign homework.  I have to put this thing together now?  My friend Trish hired some dude off Craigslist to put all her IKEA furniture together – assembling shitty pre-fab furniture is a cottage industry.  Skills for life, people.  Skills for life. IKEA CRAIGSLIST