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April 2015 Horoscopes

AriesARIES

Happy Birthday Aries!  You are the initiator and where the astrological cycle begins.  It all starts with you, Aries, and now the Sun has come to light your very best angles.  With the spark of the Sun catching you fire, there isn’t anything you can’t accomplish this month.  Swagger into work.  Set that start-up into motion.  On the 4th of the month, we get the change-forcing energy of an eclipse.  For you Aries, this energetic reckoning manifests in your relationship sector.  The eclipse will either nudge you together or launch you into different orbits.  Why fight what is inevitable?  Tension brews between your professional obligations and your personal desires for freedom.  Who are you beyond your occupation?  Right now, you feel like a foot soldier in someone else’s army, when your true destiny is to lead your own brigade.

Taurus

TAURUS

A yearly tradition of a spa week in April would be a beautiful gift to yourself, Taurus.  Even if you can’t literally slip away into a tub of mud, self-spa whenever possible this month.  Chow on the first wave of organic spring vegetables.  Slip crisp white linens on your bed.  Artistic endeavors feel good in April; dance, sing, paint, crochet.  Create an offering.  The eclipse of the 4th triggers a manic cleaning spree not a minute too soon.  A clean home streamlines your life, Taurus.  April isn’t going to be easy interpersonally.  Relationships suffer the strain of some tense celestial standoffs.  Bulls are usually the stubborn ones, but this month others will test your resolve.

GeminiGEMINI

You’ll be even more addicted to your FB page in super social April, Gemini.  You can’t wait to connect with your friends and celebrate spring with a few rounds of cocktails on the lanai.  At work, always the smarty, Gemini enjoys problem solving with new colleagues.  The eclipse on the 4th influences your romance realm.  If you are alone, you might find yourself together.  If you are together, you may find yourself suddenly alone.  Eclipses force change, so expect a palpable shift.  Romance, friendships, and your sense of stability compete for attention in April.  Everybody has an agenda.  Your tendency to slow down and retreat may come in handy towards the end of the month when you’ll need some much needed grounding.

Cancer

CANCER

All aboard the train to your professional destiny, Cancer!  This train has several stops, so you should invest in the sleeper car and settle in for the long haul.  The first depot houses your accumulated career accomplishments.  A moment to grandstand in the cacophony of accolades won’t hurt.  The 4th’s eclipse causes drama in ladytown.  Conflict ignites with a close female friend or relative, and neither of you much feels like compromising.  After some retroactivity in your career section, April 8th eliminates that resistance you’ve been experiencing and professional matters progress in a profitable fashion.  If you find yourself annoyed with other people this month, you are the one who is actually annoying.

Leo

LEO

Spring Break, anyone?  You are ready to get the fuck out of dodge for some much needed rest in a far-flung locale, Leo.  April’s all about big risks and big rewards for you. The 4th offers an eclipse which inspires change on the homefront.  Perhaps a reworking of your interior is in order?  Your mind and body are at odds this month.  Your deep need for self-expression manifests in a few awkward moments in April.  Leo struggles between needing to shut the fuck up and needing to scream from the roof tops.  In all your interactions, consider a happy medium between shouting and silence in the form of clear and assertive commentary.

Virgo

VIRGO

Virginal what?  You’re a dirty slut this month, Virgo.  How fun!  Just teasing you Virgo, it isn’t sluttery that interests you but, deep, total, and complete merger on every satisfying level.  You’ve put a significant amount of thought into how you want your life to look though you doubt your ability to execute your dreams on your own terms.  Hogwash.  You don’t need deep pockets or any seal of approval to move forward on shaping a visionary life, Virgo.  The eclipse of the 4th influences your finances with sudden epiphanies about work and the best use of your talents.  Listen Virgo, you know you can be a real dick at times.  This April nobody has the patience to deal with your ornery bullshit.

Libra

LIBRA

April provides a great opportunity to evaluate your primary partner, Libra.  Are you getting what you need out of this relationship whether personal or professional?  April amplifies any imbalances in this relationship making the unequal efforts painfully clear.  The eclipse on the 4th challenges your sense of personal independence.  Have you been so consumed with painting a pretty picture of your life that you neglected to assert your needs?  Libra struggles among the competing forces of self, primary relationship and family.  This month, nobody seems to keen to compromise, but that doesn’t mean it is your obligation to give in to unreasonable demands.

Scorpio

SCORPIO

Among your myriad talents, practicality stands out as one of your most useful, Scorpio.  In April, you apply your no-nonsense approach to organizing and streamlining every area of your life.  Results-oriented accomplishments like completing your taxes, sorting stacks of paperwork, and clearing the clutter feel particularly satisfying to you now.  The eclipse of the 4th presents an opportunity for healing.  It may be time to let go of something, someone, a notion, or unrealistic idea.  This month, Scorpio offers a grounding and calming influence to those coming undone.  Don’t come unraveled yourself.

Sagittarius

SAG

Spring fling, Sagittarius, April is all about fun for you!  Start with an inspired shift in your appearance.  Why not go really dramatic and start conversations?  You still gotta deal with rigid-ass Saturn harnessing your glee, and this month the task-master planet goes retrograde.  Keep up the diligent work you’ve been doing on yourself and you should survive with relatively few limitations on your festivities.  Fortunately, Jupiter starts moving again and encourages you to expand your horizons – perhaps with a little travel?  The eclipse on the 4th creates division in the team.  It is up to you to pull all the uncompromising factions back together.

Capricorn

CAP

Snug up Capricorn, you don’t feel like doing much outside your home this April.  Make your favorite meals.  Hang with your favorite women.  On the 4th, an eclipse influences your professional sphere.  Eclipses are synonymous with abrupt change and a realignment of priorities.  In the midst of the upheaval, turn to trusted male figures for guidance.  There will be moments in April where it feels like every major area of your life is at odds from your personal identity to family and your career.  If the situation becomes too pressured, flee for solitude where you can do you best thinking, sorting, and deciding.

Aquarius

AQUARIUS

Hey smarty!  Aquarius thinks, writes, and communicates on a higher frequency this April.  Your admirable quality output will be the envy office-wide.  Apply any excess energy and verve to help those who could use a hand – particularly with writing like resumes and professional materials.  April 4th’s eclipse has you asking deeper questions about the trajectory of your life.  Does your day-to-day routine support your higher calling?  If not, enroll in a program or shift your focus so that your daily activities support your larger mission.  While others struggle with each other this month, your conflict is primarily a self-limiting internal chafe between your personal growth, subconscious beliefs, and intellect.

Pisces

PISCES

Your mind is on your money this April, Pisces.  Your issue is spending, so get realistic about your income to outcome ratio.  Part of the problem is your fondness for convenience and your tendency towards laziness.  It’s easier to run to the corner store and buy one ice tea than hike it all the way to the bulk store for the best buy, but those hassle-lessening decisions are draining your bank account.  A smidge of effort in planning your week and budget make major impacts on your bottom line.  The eclipse of the 4th brings a reckoning to that new relationship in the form of an explosive conflict that only the strongest connections will survive.  This epic battle exposes the unworthy – and this time it might be you that’s lacking.

April 2013 Horoscopes

Aries

Happy Birthday Aries!  You little dirty bitch!  You’ve been up to no good and causing drama in all four corners.  Your reactive emotions fuel this behavior.  Aries tend to externalize which means you are always looking outside for sources of glory, security, joy and gloom.  It also means that those around Aries feel every ping of their energetic pong.  It’s more exhausting than that unrelenting table tennis fuck scene in Girls this season.  Aries generously offer wit, spark, and fun to the mix.  Don’t just skip past the word fun like its three little letters of meaninglessness.  Instead, consider how many people you know that are actually really good fun?  Remarkably few.  That’s why we appreciate you Aries.  Save the yelling, stomping, and fit throwing energy for more productive endeavors this April.  Let’s be honest: you’ve fallen a bit behind in some areas and need to quickly come correct.

Taurus

When the Bull makes up its mind there is no budging her no matter how insane and illogical her position.  Sometimes, Taurus wears this fixedness like a Girl Scout badge sewn arrogantly across the heart.  In other moments of great introspection, the Bull sees the folly in taking such unyielding stances.  Narrow, inflexible thinking limits you.  The sooner you learn that stubbornness is not a reliable power source, the better.  The corresponding positive trait to your stubborn nature is that you have grit and strength like no one else.  When you decide to do, you do.  When you commit, you are sincerely committed.  This tenacity basically guarantees you success if you can stay out of your own damn way.

 Gemini

Gemini takes April by the balls and executes on a number of important projects.  Geminis get a little muddled in their own dithering.  The theme for this year is clarity, power, and control.  Decide what you truly want without external influences.  Gather the resources to move forward.  Guide the process with a specific goal in mind.  How much time did you waste last month on activities that propelled you nowhere?  Exactly.  Now is the time to really examine yourself at the most basic and mundane levels, Gemini.  As a highly intelligent and skilled person, many ask for your help.  Remember you control the gauge on the generosity meter.  Give when it feels right, not out of a misguided sense of obligation.

 Cancer

The idiom “she has her heart in the right place” must have first been spoken about a Cancer.  Certainly, intention matters when you are navigating the world.  Just remember that other old saying – the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Accountability has never been your strength Crab.  Rather than deal with the consequences of your decisions, you’d rather hole up in your shell and hope the cloudy days and bill collectors pass.  To quote Heathers, “get crucial.”  None of this shit is going away.  One particularly interesting and frustrating thing about you Cancer is that once you decide to change, you do so rather easily.  Use this adaptability to move past some of your most childish and selfish behaviors.

Leo

Lately Leo has ladled up bowlfuls of excuses for bad behavior.  Little Lion is such a busy bee: too taxed for friends, too overstretched to lend an extra hand at work, too exhausted for family dinner.  We get it Leo.  You are much in demand.  Keep on keeping on with the one-sided relationships and you’ll see the demands on your time greatly diminish because no one will want to hang out with you anymore.  This April, concentrate on small gestures that demonstrate that you care about others.  Open doors.  Take the time and courtesy to smile.  Use please and thank you gratuitously.  Your kindness will have ripple effects.  Beyond mundane acts of common courtesy, reach out to that friend that obviously needs you, but that you keep blowing off.

 Virgo

Big change has ruptured the Virgo routine and it’s thrown your world and relationships into a chaotic tailspin.  Denial continues to plague Virgo’s advancement.  Acceptance is the first step, hunny.  Acknowledge the great success you have made in certain areas.  The respect you’ve earned and deserve is truly remarkable and rare.  Accepting your great strengths as part of a total package, it is only fair to consider your shortcomings too.  Virgos have a slow burn rager of a temper.  Adversaries who stoke that fire should prepare for a thrashing.  Virgos won’t hesitate to tell you how much you suck when you fail to meet their typically unreachable standards.  Instead of getting so angry, just get out.

 Libra

Always accommodating, Libra’s relationship idealism often clouds their common sense and better judgment.  Everyone you know isn’t going to move to the same block, line their yards with picket fences, and live happily ever after.  That’s not real life.  Rather than trying to cultivate this false Truman Show ideal, overcome your fear of disharmony.  Conflict and disappointments are realistic counterpoints to the greatest joys of life.  To live fully, Libras must embrace the full spectrum of relationship interactions, including discord.  Less prone to clutter than filth, dust bunnies do not constitute an Easter celebration.  You feel me?

 Scorpio

Unusually scattered Scorpios have been living a-maybe-this-maybe-that existence recently.  This out-of-character approach has you feeling flush with choices and the stress that accompanies multiple opportunities.  So what the fuck do you want to do Scorpio?  Rarely one to take the easy choice just because it’s easy, many won’t understand the reasoning behind your future course of action.  It won’t matter what anyone thinks if you are actually capable of executing on your grand plans.  Let the critics motivate your success.  Expect major breakthrough moments during this year of physical and emotional transit.

 Sagittarius

When Sags get into something, they really immerse themselves in a subject.  You love to learn every nuance and detail until you qualify as an expert in your area of interest.  Mastery fascinates you.  Sags learn with a child-like innocence that makes them excellent and dedicated pupils.  With all this energy directed towards your goals and intention, what time is left for your nearest and dearest?  Remember, other people have shit going on too.  We all enjoy celebrating your successes and joys, but avoid becoming a one-note Nancy.  Make sure your friends and family feel the same intensity of affection.  Meet others’ celebratory moments with the same enthusiasm you expect when sharing yours.

 Capricorn

Nerves.  Let’s talk about your nerves Cap.  You gotta lot of nerve, as demonstrated by your rather audacious and reckless choices.  Lately, all your nervous energy has wrecked your progress with a potential conquest.  At work, your nerves are frayed and your bitchy attitude is getting on everyone’s nerves.  Spend April soothing yourself and calming the fuck down.  Messy skin, dull eyes, clenched jaw, and the constant fidgeting are all evidence of your tightly wound personality.  You are serving us a clenched-ass Cameron from Ferris Bueller and it’s not a good look.  Relax.  Puff a doob.  Sip a scotch.  Enjoy an orgasm.  Meditate.  Find a way to relax.

Aquarius

Aquarius has undergone a period of self-flagellation recently which may have manifested in weight-loss, sleeplessness, and love lost.  Whatever it takes to make it back home, get there.  Now is the time to stabilize, center, and secure.  Get your bearings by surrounding yourself with people who really know you and want only the best for you.  April leaves Aquarius vulnerable to users, manipulators, and liars.  Guard your heart and secrets carefully this month.  Spend time alone walking in nature or playing with pets.  At least the animals won’t betray you.

 Pisces

Pretty Pisces articulates needs clearly this month.  Fishes feel deeply.  This spring, they are ready to reveal their honest sentiments without barriers of insecurity.  A new confidence and swagger comes with a clear understanding of what and who you want.  Just be careful what you wish for little dove.  Pisces tend to extend and then retract themselves, never really exposing true vulnerability.  What if you extended yourself with no expectation in return?  By adapting this courageous approach, you will profoundly evolve.  Pain is an inextricable part of life.  The Piscean tendency to recoil from discomfort explains why they often seek comfort in drugs, sex, or food to destructive ends.