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December 2014 Horoscopes

Sagittarius

SAG
Happy Birthday Sagittarius!  With the Sun shining on you for most of the month, Sags enjoy the warmth of attention and adulation in December.  Not to be mistaken as self-centered, Sags now thrive in a self-focused energy devoted to physical, spiritual, and psychological wellness.  Venus enters the scene to enhance your appearance and smooth the jagged edges of your personality.  The darker side of this planet encourages self-indulgence and overspending.  Do you seriously you want to spend January dragging yourself out of a caloric or financial hole?  Can you honestly afford to go that BIG this month?  The first half of December will involve a ton of chat, mostly electronic, and much of it tediously boring.  Information overload leaves you feeling buried in minutia.  Don’t feel like you have to respond to every text instantaneously.  It would do you good to wait a beat.

Capricorn

CAP
December serves as a period of introspection and ego softening before the spotlight shines on you during your birthday.  Rely on December’s gift of unusually keen emotional perceptions because your trusty analytical skills fail in December.  You find yourself drifting away into future visions and then startling back to reality.  Less expressive externally, but churning on the inside, Capricorn feels misunderstood, unseen, and unheard for much of December.  If you want someone to know it; say it.  Capricorn tends to guard hard-earned money, but Venus ushers in a bit of a self-indulgent streak.  When you want to splurge, you find a way to justify it.  Your best moments this month will be the ones you spend alone.

AquariusAQUARIUS

Pop the champers Aquarius!  You are the fizz in the zodiac cocktail in December.  Aquarius cultivates assertiveness and leadership in social situations this month.  Knitting together friends, acquaintances, and business contacts is crucial for materializing a future dream.  Achievement is within your reach if you assemble the right team.  Uncertainty clouds your emotions.  Use a constructive activity like yoga, meditation, or prayer to quiet the storm.  Many demands threaten to drain your vital energy.  Sleep often and soundly.  Avoid sick people.  Eat nutritiously.  Any slips in self-care will manifest as inconvenient illness.

PiscesPISCES

In December, you become acutely aware of your physical appearance, Pisces.  More than a vain preoccupation, you yearn to be taken seriously.  You understand the limitations of the rules currently binding your life and are willing to take on the accompanying responsibility.  The boss notices for sure.  Friendship plays a major role in December.  Offer a good word to help a colleague ascend.  The kind deed will come back threefold.  An opportunity to pool resources with an old friend could result in material gain for you should you both be willing to overcome the short-term obstacles.  Neptune’s on-going influence makes you overly accommodating.  Don’t sacrifice your own agenda for the preferences of others.

AriesARIES

You’ve got an inkling to get outta town in December, Aries. It’s not just about a change of scenery, though you crave that too, it’s more about exposure to new ideas.  Consider a retreat or brief study abroad program.  If you are scared to go alone, recruit a friend, just know you’ll need to assume the lead.  Much of what you wish to accomplish this month requires a great deal of physical effort on your part.  Take on the responsibility rather than delegate it.  Mars adds an aggressive tenor to conversations which can make you and others appear pushy.  When tensions arise, hold your position without reacting impulsively.  For the next several months, Aries enjoys Jupiter’s influence which means fun with kids and animals.

Taurus

TAURUS

December triggers emotional sea change for Taurus.  Ultimately, your theme in December is “feel it out.”  During this tumult, give due weight to another’s feelings and consider a change in your own behavior.  Under the influence of Venus, you will benefit from the generosity of others.  Use this energy to guide any pending negotiations.  Close the deal with detailed communications and careful review.  Taurus, when you sign on the dotted line prepare to follow through.  The second half of the month launches a fresh palette and new discoveries.  Make sure you are physically strong enough to get the most out of this time as it will require substantial energy.

Gemini

GEMINI
Partner-up Gemini, you’re not feeling solo situations in December.  Through the 11th, Venus has you all loved up, feeling closer than ever, and adding new depth to your relationship.  You may decide to invest in property together or create other material bonds.  A paperwork bog threatens to dampen the festive mood.  Work through the thick stack with attention to detail.  It’s best you handle sensitive information yourself.  Gemini relies heavily on your analytical mind, but your intuition is particularly strong and clear in December.  Use this heightened sense to your advantage, but play your cards close to your chest.

Cancer

CANCERDecember highlights your need to get organized in a particular area of concern like health or home, Cancer.  Start with a fatty to-do list and work your way through systematically.  Cancer doesn’t love manual labor and your list of chores is grueling.  Get the whole gang together for a worthwhile effort like a group clean up for an ailing relative.  Daily drivel like paperwork, email, and busy work require substantial energy this month, but fear not, December isn’t all mundane practicality.  Venus serves to enhance and deepen bonds.  Smooch under the mistletoe.  Rather than overspend on frivolity this holiday season, invest in the future of your children.

Leo

LEO
Lit up like a Christmas tree, Leo brightens up the room in December.  Enjoy fun silliness with the kids and animals.  Play pranks and laugh loudly.  Plan a surprise outing for you and your sweetie.  Such gestures serve to strengthen the bonds and good memories between the two of you.  Ask for help when you need it.  Leo works better as a member of a team in December.  The second half of the month will ground you in the more mundane details of life like home repairs, organization, cleaning, and paperwork.  Leo makes the drudgery lighthearted with your gregarious go-getter attitude. Your upbeat tenor inspires others to help you cross every last task off your list.

Virgo

VIRGO
Matters involving home improvements and acquisition of property dominate December for Virgo.  Some of the changes you are inspired to make in your home are tied to your desire to find a quiet place to think.  Venus ushers in a period of domestic tranquility.  This month you’ll actually enjoy your family.  Virgo’s best moments are among kids and animals during the last two weeks of the month.  Allocate resources towards a special gift for your sweetheart.  This is not the time to be cheap.  Emotionally speaking, Virgos like to schedule over their feelings.  Saturn’s got something to say about that this month.  There’s no avoiding it; you gotta do the work.

Libra

LIBRA
You are busy in December, Libra.  There are people to meet, cards to send, parties to attend, and presents to wrap.  The first half of the month, Mercury will support this flurry of activity with a chatty and social influence.  Your home will require a great deal of physical effort.  Turn to your friends and family for help if you are overwhelmed.  Venus makes a good fence mender, so if you are in conflict with a family member now is a good time to make peace.  This is a wonderful time to start or continue a tradition with your Dad.  Fight every urge to overspend this month.

Scorpio

SCORPIO

In December, matters of financial security occupy the Scorpio mind.  Where you live, how to make ends overlap, and opportunities for growth have all your attention as you form your agenda for the New Year.  Venus greases negotiations, so if you are ready to buy or sell your home now is the time to field offers.  The influence of Venus helps ameliorate conflict, so use this softening to make peace with any warring factions.  Scorpio loathes small talk, but in December those seemingly insignificant daily interactions burst with fruit flavor.  Just as Christmas Eve rolls in so will a wave of financial insecurity. Consume less.

September 2014 Horoscopes

VirgoVIRGO

Happy Birthday Virgo!  This September, emerge from the shadows and take your place in the limelight where you belong.  Before you step into the shine, check your outfit.  Honestly, you could do better.  While you’re at it, freshen the hair and face.  When all eyes turn your way this month, offer the best aesthetic version of yourself in return.  Most Virgo penny-pinchers can afford to spend a little on an upgrade.  The full moon on the 8th magnifies any weird energy percolating in your relationships.  To mitigate the frustration, move forward in some direction.  Recognize stagnation is the root problem.  While your passion is admirable Virgo, obsessive single-minded tendencies prevent you from making genuine connections with others.  Towards the end of the month, get your financial situation organized.  Build your life around what is important to you and funnel your resources accordingly.

LibraLIBRA

The days before your birthday are the best time for quiet rest and solitude, Libra.  Relinquish as many responsibilities as possible the first three weeks of the September.  Your theme this month: No unnecessary pressure.  Remain as unscheduled as possible because Libras need plenty of naps and relaxation.  During this personal retreat, Libra may experience a series of unusual dreams.  What is your subconscious trying to tell you?  In between sleeps, get some fresh air and move your body which will help process your emotional backlog.  After a week of lounging, your space is a mess.  Use the energy boost of the full moon to tidy up.  Clean the floors.  You’ll feel better about your life.

 ScorpioSCORPIO

September always feels very back-to-school which reflects the social tempo for Scorpio this month.  Even though light, airy, and introductory isn’t your favorite way to converse, the Sun in Virgo makes you especially chatty.  The first half of the month, you are especially attractive and dynamic.  You will feel the heat of attention.  Speak your truth compassionately.  Use your power for good not evil, Scorpio.  Get ready to spill your guts on the full moon (the 8th); you won’t be able to contain yourself.  A truthful confession of feeling will bring you two closer.  When Scorpio connects with someone of equal passion the union’s combustible.  Why fight the obvious lust?  Just keep in mind, this is a fertile time.

SagittariusSAG

You’re one hard-working bitch in September, Sag.  Much of your valuable time and energy will go towards professional obligations.  Your loved ones will have to wait because Sags prioritize achievement over relationships this month.  To make it up to them, show your love by hosting a dinner for family and friends around full moon (8th).  Sags in baby-making mode revel in the fertility of the full moon.  Along with added charisma, Mars can bring a combative, aggressive edge to your personality.  Listen carefully to the subtle cues delivered in the subtext of conversations.  If you thoughtlessly overstep, you won’t get away with it this month.

CapricornCAPRICORN

If you can get away Capricorn – do it!  The first three weeks of September are perfect for a trip.  Spend the time away focusing on yourself.  Emerge from your travels with an optimistic perspective.  The full moon brings news that could shape the future.  The fallout could involve a sibling.  Nothing holds you back but your own self-doubt, and it is high time you silenced the negative self-talk.  If anyone is capable of achieving the unlikely, you are Capricorn, so untether your dreams.  Others respect you professionally because you are so reliable and consistent.  Keep every promise to protect that sterling reputation.

AquariusAQUARIUS

While intelligent, no one really ever accused you of being “too deep,” Aquarius.  You take in the big picture, but also tend to skim the surface.  In September, you’ll feel everything more intensely which leads to you to reconsider certain relationships and situations that have proved dissatisfying.  Jealousy isn’t really your thing, so if you experience such feelings consider them a red flag.  September’s great for real estate deals if you are thinking of purchasing property.  Use the energy of the full moon to make a professional change.  If you are dissatisfied no matter how much recognition you receive then you are in the wrong line of work.

PiscesPISCES

In September, partnership plays paramount for Pisces.  You crave a true mate, someone who counterbalances the extremes of your personality.  Forming an alliance with an equally giving person will cultivate substantial security for you.  As a logical extension, some Pisces may consider cohabitation or marriage.  This could be a positive change as long as you remember inviting someone else in requires compromise.  The full moon brings a much needed dose of assertiveness to your personality.  Speak your truth unequivocally Pisces; abandon the need to please.

AriesARIES

September provides a great opportunity to organize your life, Aries.  Remove physical clutter first which will give you room to think.  Clean up messy finances by paying off debt and simplifying expenses.  Minimize obligations and soften your schedule to the bare minimum.  You’ll be surprised how much you accomplish when you focus only on essentials.  Remember your health is most important, so examine your routines and cut out destructive patterns.  The full moon gives you the courage to let go of unhealthy emotional attachments.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus enjoys a super sexy and fertile September.  This month you’re all about a good time and you do your best to coax a party out of every place you go.  Channel dramatic feelings into your personal styling choices and not into your relationships.  The full moon makes you the most popular of all, so you might as well take advantage of the positive energy with a ton of social engagements.  Get the gang together!  Flirt with strangers.  Your best impression is when you are most yourself.  Toward the end of the month, implement strategies in areas where you would like to see improvement.  With six months of commitment, you’ll see results.

 GeminiGEMINI

Nourish yourself and nurture loved ones in September, Gemini.   Enjoy visits with family and friends.  More emotional than usual, you may get a little weepy.  Experience your feelings without judgment and with a healthy dose of compassion.  Get your home organized and tidy for the change of season.  Stock your fridge with healthy foods.  The full moon on the 8th bestows professional benefits on Gemini.  After three weeks of sofa surfing, you’ll be ready to get out and flirt towards the end of September.  If you fancy someone, show it.

CancerCANCER

Cancer is especially chatty this September – and for you that’s saying something!  This boost of quality communication benefits work, family, and relationships.  This type of energy needs an external outlet, so fill your days with spontaneity and an assortment of fun diversions.  If you feel a bit overwhelmed at moments, just remind yourself that this is but a temporary frenzy.  On the eighth, the full moon brings travel lust.  If you can’t get away, fuck a foreigner.

 LeoLEO

Earn your keep in September, Leo.  Work super hard to replenish your finances.  Savings are critical to your long-term success and ability to take risks.  Start with prioritizing what is most important.  Protect and nourish those aspects.  You won’t have the patience for draining people this month.  Just ignore them and they will go away.  Spend free time with fun folks in undemanding situations.  The full moon supports deep bonding with your partner.  Enjoy the best sex of the year and the flood of emotion that follows.

June 2014 Horoscopes

GeminiGEMINI

Happy Birthday Gemini!  Community-minded Gemini just loves getting the whole gang together for some fun.  Select an adventure, send word through your social network and see who shows up to play.  There’s an excellent chance for a match-making opportunity between two of your friends.  While in the mix, whether you feel unparalleled enthusiasm for your people or needled by the inconsiderate actions of others, speak your truth.  Leave a few metaphorical Yelp reviews on your network of folks and let ‘em know how they rate according to the ever-morphing Gemini standard.  Withholding the truth is how you get that pesky (yet enduring) two-faced reputation.  Since you are the celestial duchess of gadgets Gemini, go ahead and upgrade.  Consider it a birthday gift to yourself.   Just remember Mercury is in retrograde from the 7th on into July, so don’t be surprised if gadgets glitch.

CancerCANCER

Cancer has spent the last six months lining ducks in a perfect row, so now it’s time to clean up any messiness and execute on your carefully devised strategy.  You’ve put in the work and you deserve the pay off, but if you aren’t careful you could easily get in your own way.  The first and most important lesson in June for Cancer is that you are not in control.  Give over to the tumble of the universe.  Next, you must detach from the outcome.  It isn’t going to feel the way you think it is supposed to look.  Finally, rather than soaking in anxiety, allow the flood of new experiences to wash over you as a recipient.  Watch. Learn. Listen.  For Crabs, Mercury’s retrograde comes in the form of a stab in the back.  Careful whom you trust.

LeoLEO

No June gloom for you Leo!  Super aroused by the warm weather and short-shorts, you are a human red Solo cup this month.  Just remember beer-pong won’t pay the bills.  In between keg-stands, keep up with your self-care.  Organize your friends into some healthy outdoor fun – paddle boarding, hiking, beach blanket bingo.  Mercury retrogrades from June 7 to the first of July and for you this means loose lips.  Don’t go spilling secrets.  Avoid signing contracts, postpone important conversations, and above all maintain your sense of humor should life go temporarily and unexpectedly awry.

 VirgoVIRGO

Virgo sees clearly in June through the spectacles of ambition.  With your recent professional achievements, you are able to see how your contribution feeds into the larger good.  The planning and initiative you take now will root six months in the future.  Mercury retrogrades the 7th, and for you this means suboptimal teamwork and communication.  Even though you see clearly this month, your talk is muddy.  Go out of your way to simplify and clarify.  Usually such a heady thinker, a few decisions from the heart wouldn’t kill you.  Mid-month you’ll contemplate a move.  While considering the interests of all relevant parties, use your heart rather than your head to decide.

Libra

LIBRA

Libra lemonade perfectly balances sour and sweet.  Too much sweet and you’re cloying, too much tart and you’re a bitch.  Most of the time you get it just right.  You are the Goldilocks of the Zodiac: not too cold, not too hot.  You know what else fits comfortably right in the middle?  Mediocrity.  You’re beautiful, kind, peace-making, and at times, boring as fuck.  Upset the perfect equipoise with a little offensive or at least unsanctioned behavior.  Though keep in mind that getting too mouthy during the Mercury’s retrograde could damage important relationships.  Schedule travel later for the summer as the June backspin could muss your perfect vacation plans.

 ScorpioSCORPIO

You’ve been working your ass off Scorpio and mid-month you’ll finally see the payoff, but for now you crave intimacy.  Don’t over schedule because interesting spontaneous offers abound this summer.  You shine in small groups and one-on-one, so leave the festival scene for the desperate posers.  With regard to finance, June is about merging assets and energy to create more flow.  Sniff out passive income opportunities to exploit.  Mercury goes retrograde from June 7 to July 1, so during this time avoid contracts, expect tech glitches, and keep your knee-jerk reactions (and your stinger) to yourself.

 SagittariusSAG

Sags land on the tongue in flames, but your flavor could use some depth.  The punch of your personality comes in the first impression, but you could thicken that vivaciousness with some substance.  We are all sick of munching insecurity tacos and we are ready for burritos of love.  Here’s the recipe: take some kindness, add some generosity, sprinkle in trust, hold the ego and wrap it up in compassion.  Tend to the neglected relationships in your life by putting others first.  Mercury in retrograde for Sagittarius means a visit from the ghost of relationships past.  When opportunities arise to resolve old conflicts, snatch them.

 Capricorn

CAPRICORN

Realizing summer is upon us and you’re fucking out of shape, Capricorn motivates towards health and organization in June.  Consider hiring a personal yoga instructor, life coach, or professional organizer to help you get your shit together.  Lately, have you been relying too heavily on substances to socially lubricate situations?  Intoxicants + Mercury Retrograde = relationship disaster.  Lazy people discard you as emotionally remote, but that’s a misread of the reserved Capricorn.  Caps possess great depth of emotion, but it’s how you cope with and channel this well of emotional energy that determines your fate.

 AquariusAQUARIUS

June is about celebrating the contributions of others and toasting to the success of collaboration.  Big thinking Aquarius takes in the whole view which makes you the perfect person to quash drama when it spikes up between croquet rounds at the corporate picnic.  Peace-making aside, Neptune’s retrograde clouds your professional judgment from June 9th and for several months thereafter.  You have a knack for floating in, out, and in-between the scene with ease.  Towards the middle of June you crave more grounding and stability.  June is the time to purify your diet, commit to fitness and simplify your routine.  The (literal) tipping point has come with regard to physical clutter in your life.  Garage sale anyone?

PiscesPISCES

With June enters a supportive basket of feminine energy to guide you little Fish.  Spend time with the important women in your life.  For Pisces, Neptune’s retrograde highlights incongruence between your personal aspirations and your image.  Decide whom you want to embody as this new incarnation and align the inner and outer by making subtle shifts in your appearance and habits.  Mercury’s retrograde means travel drama.  Not much you can do but leave early and pack your sense of humor.  Computer crashes, lost phones, and power outages are also common within Mercury’s backspin, so take appropriate steps to protect your work and privacy.

AriesARIES

Chatty Aries just can’t wait to share every idea brimming in that overactive brain this June.  The problem with your thoughtless blabbing is Mercury is in retrograde which means that you are quite likely to offend others with your verbal diarrhea.  A series of bad decisions have landed you in the lurch and you don’t like hearing about it from your Mom this month.  Once you get past your ego and frustration, will you have the courage and good sense to dig your way out?  When in doubt, work.  Industriousness keeps you out of trouble and keeps that money rolling in to your account.

TaurusTAURUS

You went hard for your birthday Taurus and you have the anxiety-inducing bank balance to prove it.  Thankfully, June offers many opportunities for you to replenish wealth through satisfying hard work.  With financial security at the forefront, trim back the unsatisfying extracurricular lame cash-eating bullshit.  With Mercury in retrograde from the 7th into July, June isn’t ideal for negotiating leases or refinancing.  Anything bitchy you say this month can and will be held against you.  If you wouldn’t say it face to face, bite your tongue.  You will experience the flipside of this energy when you discover a pal has been talking shit.  Will you forgive or foreclose on the friendship?

February 2014 Horoscopes

AquariusCHRISTOPHER GUEST AND JAMIE LEE

Happy Birthday Aquarius!  The sun beams down on you from above, so you better make sure you look good!  Get right in February with a personal spruce.  Complete important communications and contracts during the first week of the month before Mercury goes retrograde the sixth through the twenty-eighth.  Rather than grandstanding during your birthday acceptance speech, turn those proclamations into appreciativeness.  As for Valentine’s Day, a full moon illuminates your house of commitment.  Engagement anyone?  Single?  This month could bring a true partner.  Post-Valentine’s Day it’s time to buckle down and get back to work.  This industriousness continues for the next month during which your main priorities are productivity and performance.  Now is an excellent time to evaluate whether everything in your life is rising up to meet you.  Take extra good care of yourself as your immunity is compromised and you are susceptible to stress and illness.  Step back and engage your expansive world view to see that all these little hassles are ultimately insignificant.

Pisces

CHRIS AND GWYNETH

Let go Pisces!   Now is the time to surrender to the intense fatigue you’re experiencing.  Hibernate and look back on the last year before your birthday celebrations commence.  Are there things left undone that you’ve been needling yourself to finish?  When you are out and about, your interactions with others won’t feel quite right.  Your first impression won’t be your best.  With Mercury in retrograde in Pisces until the twelfth, resist radical change in any department.  State any instructions clearly and succinctly even if it feels tedious, it will save you much disappointment later.  In your friendship tribe, don’t repeat anything you don’t want repeated.  If you spread gossip, you’ll be hunted down and confronted.  Others will try to shift the blame your way.

AriesVICTORIA AND DAVID

Thank goodness for Aries in February because you coax the hibernators to party.  This socializing has a side order of practicality attached since a few of these associations prove influential.  February sends Mercury back into retrograde and you know what that means: communication breakdown, technological glitches, and the resurfacing of contacts from your past.  February presents a superb opportunity to finally close the trap door to your heart’s ancient pain.  Recognize this pain as a pathological block to your evolution.  The remainder of the month requires a great deal of collaboration.  Working with others ain’t easy, Aries.  Expect the standard interpersonal drama, then add some extra hatery for a clearer picture of the anticipated group dynamic.  Stay far, far away from the meaningless squabbles.  Continue to clearly and patiently reiterate your expectations.  So you want to know about Valentine’s Day, huh?  Unattached Aries, scroll down your contacts list until a spark flies off an old friend.  Committed Aries, go ballsdeep in the romance department – spare no cliché or expense.

Taurus

VINCENT AND ALEXIS

Charged with ambition and a new moon in your career sector, February sets forth a six month strategy for achieving major milestones, Taurus.  Mercury’s retrograde makes this a miserable time for travel, technology, and clarity.  Expect conflict to arise from the confusion.  If things get heated, just withdraw and come back later when the energy is more conducive to resolution.  Use the thrust of Mercury’s backspin to – rearrange, edit, review, and reassess.  Your heart and home are lit from within this Valentine’s Day.  Stay in and nest.  Enjoy entertaining family and friends.  The last third of the month Taurus gets more interested in socializing.  Particularly adept at rounding folks up on social media, use your web reach to gather your people into one big lovefest.  Watch out for untrustworthy motivations and remain skeptical.  Stay off the booze.

Gemini

SARKOZY AND OLSEN

February is about big thinking Gemini – an expansion and broadening of your world view.  Whether it’s travel, study, business, or philanthropy, Gemini wants to stretch the boundaries of your current life.  With your ruler Mercury retrograde in Pisces, not all your energy will be forward moving, especially with regard to career.  Finish what is left undone.  Guard against saboteurs.  Minimize distractions.  Later this month, long term professional goals come into focus.  Priorities become clearer.  The last week of the month expect some relationship drama.  As your confidence grows, so does conflict.  Fights erupt over sex, money, and jealousy.  Your special someone baits you repeatedly in an effort to get you to show that you care.  You respond with emotional detachment.  Happy Valentine’s Day Gemini.

Cancer

WENDY WILLIAMS KEVIN HUNTERFebruary is the time for some serious self-work.  Some Cancers are so emotionally overloaded that you have to insulate in various (often destructive) ways from your own feelings.  Now is the time to face your emotions, stare yourself down, and finally get a handle on your internal world.  Consider this full-on permission to feel it all.  Cancer exudes sexuality this February which coincides nicely with Valentine’s Day; the uptick in clinginess and jealously, not so much.  Expect some tension with your partner when you assert your own needs.  No legitimate reason to sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship except you secretly enjoy the control you assert over the arrangement.  Ultimately, neither of you will benefit from such an imbalanced power dynamic.  With Mercury in retrograde in your travel house, best to just stay put unless a trip proves absolutely necessary.  This retrograde also means you might piss people off with a condescending comment, so spend more time listening than talking.  February’s flush with cash, but save instead of spend.

Leo

IMAN AND DAVID BOWIE

Lucky Leo, the stars align for love and partnership in February.  Thriving in collaboration, you generously give and thereby receive in return.  February softens your ego and need for attention allowing you to temporarily share shine with others.  Finances serve as potential conflict hotspots this month.  Shelve any non-urgent money talks.  With Mercury retrograde in Aquarius, imbalances will become apparent and a need for fairness kicks in hard.  Let everyone take the time they need without bullying them into your terms.  Plan a big, confident debut for Valentine’s Day.  After the amorous celebrations wind down, recharge at home with a cuddle on the sofa.  Lions need privacy too, especially in February.  Spend extra time in bed catching up on sleep and sipping on nourishing soups as Leo suffers compromised immunity this month.  In addition, the stress of a betrayal robs you of energy.

Virgo NATE BERKUS JEREMIAH BRENT

Ready, set, organize Virgo!  You are motivated with lists, plans, and goals this February, particularly in the areas of health and fitness.  Quiet the chaos and return to order, and start with your own body Virgo.  Mercury’s retrograde could strain relationships or cause you to overlook critical details.  Review documents thoroughly and excise unnecessary stress.  Valentine’s Day presents a make or break epiphany moment for your relationship.  In the clear light of the full moon you see once and for all whether you can make a go of it with your sweetheart.  If it is time to go, you’ll know.  Distrust permeates all your relationships this month.  Others perceive your concern as prying.  Proceed cautiously; if at all.  All this volatility can easily take you off center.  Take whatever measures necessary to get back to yourself.

Libra

JOEL AND NICOLE

This February, get creative with that legendary Libran beauty and amplify your sex appeal.  Enjoy glamorous evenings flirting, but expect of a few of those coquettish comments to land unintended.  Your intense desire for attention could spiral into drama if you don’t channel it into more constructive endeavors.  Display your creative gifts and receive the right kind of attention.  Don’t forget your friends on Valentine’s Day.  For some of you February means the conception of a baby as you are especially fertile, even if communication with your partner is somewhat strained.  You don’t need to talk to fuck.  Mercury’s retrograde means disorganization and scheduling chaos for Libra.  You may also get a little lax in your wellness maintenance.  The demands of work and home ram up against each other.  Another woman in your family hits a nerve with her comments about the way you distribute your resources and handle your personal biznass.  How will you respond to the dig?

Scorpio

PHAEDRA AND APOLLO

Cozying up at home with family feels right in February, Scorpio.  Root down in solitude and pampering self-care.  Mercury’s retrograde means this is a shitty time to travel, so even if you are dying to flee to sunnier latitudes doing so between the sixth and the twenty-eighth may mean the trip will be more stressful than relaxing.  Furthermore, since the retrograde thins your already transparent tact, spare us all your biting comments by staying home alone.  While you are there, feel free to spruce, but hold off on major makeovers.  Now is not the time.  Valentine’s Day will be more about your professional success than your personal life.  What a nice opportunity to champion your own accomplishments for once.  Towards the end of the month, you are ready to get cute and get out there again.  Do more than contemplate taking risks, actually take them.

SagittariusJULIANNE AND BART

You have much to say this February, Sag.  Make lots of little dates in your neighborhood to catch up with friends and family so you chat everybody’s ear off.  You will feel an almost compulsive need to explain yourself, but with Mercury’s retrograde your message will likely get lost in translation no matter how many times you repeat it.  More than a few squabbles could erupt in your already tense household when your mindlessness ruins something important.  Money and the division of responsibilities also become hot button issues.  Slow down and take care to avoid accidents.  Speak your truth on Valentine’s Day.  It’s time to lay your cards on the candlelit table, Sag.  The latter part of the month stay home with your favorite women and talk about your feelings.  These ladies can help you regroup from your emotional frazzle.

Capricorn

KATE AND JAMIE

Capricorn calms down in February after a flurry of fresh energy at the start of the year.  Return to work, money, and stability, which is the nest where you feel most comfortable.  Back up anything electronic, as Mercury in retrograde means lost data.  In general, February is a good time to dial back on the communication overload – put the phone down, turn the computer off, silence your television.  Potential fiscal chaos ensues this month.  Spend less and carefully review accounts.  You may receive a windfall.  Valentine’s Day brings unexpected depth of feeling and intimacy.  Did you even know that you felt this way?  Enjoy the spark.  Use your creative aptitude to express your feelings in song or art.  Towards the end of the month some interesting new folks come into your life with some fascinating stories.  Listen carefully.

January 2014 Horoscopes

CapricornCAPRICORN

Happy Birthday in this New Year Capricorn!  It gets crowded in your celestial neighborhood with a clusterfuck of planetary activity.  Enjoy all shine on you Capricorn with a new moon and its accompanying nascent verve.  Always the dutiful workhorse, January virtually requires you get self-centered.  That doesn’t mean selfish; it just means self-focused.  Your homework is to do something frivolous that makes you happy.  In midst of fun, you may stumble upon a deeply held unconscious wish.  This is the key to uncovering your true desires.

AquariusAQUARIUS

Happy New Year Aquarius!  You might be writing 2013 on your checks for the next couple weeks because you aren’t quite done with last year.  Aquarius sifts through the recent past remembering an old home, a former lover, or the family that once was.  Letting go of these familiar loves, places, and habits isn’t easy and it will take you a little extra time to shift into the momentum of the New Year.  Take the time you need to close one chapter before you begin another.  Heal the wounds and clear the scar tissue surrounding those old emotional injuries.  When you make way, you’ll see the future clearly.

PiscesPISCES

Best New Year Wishes, Pisces!  Friendship, networking, and nonsexual connections dominate the January landscape.  Form your team.  Gather a worthy and skilled group.  At the helm of this mighty assembly, Pisces wields significant power and influence.  In January, Pisces people-pleasing tendencies butt-up against your own need for self-reflection.  What you really crave is deeper connections, but what you’re immersed in this month is buzzy fleeting interactions.  Make the most of your time with your most important person.  Keep secrets.

AriesARIES 2

Happy New Year Aries!  Take the long view.  Whatever you have simmering now will be perfectly cooked and ready to serve in about seven months.  Your ambitious plan flourishes by your commitment and self-control.  Obviously you work very hard Aries, and you’re one for recognition.  Careful you aren’t begging for attention like an orphaned dog.  Instead, concentrate on executing your vision so you can be the one giving approval instead of seeking it.  With regard to your personal life, those little lies, omissions, and deceptions will catch up to you sooner or later dirty-dealing Aries.  Consider the consequences of your actions and the ways dishonesty is eroding your relationship.  The universe will test your integrity this January.  Will you backstab to get what you want?

 TaurusTAURUS 2

New Year blessings to you Taurus!  Fresh firsts are your favorite and this new beginning has you awash in an optimistic glow.  Usually mired in the minutia, January provides an unusually expansive and beneficial perspective.  Planets align for romance and adventure.  Just whom or what do you want to do beautiful Bull?  How about arrange a super fun trip with friends to a corner of the world you have always wished to visit?  Perhaps a joint-venture with a business-minded friend sounds appealing?  Spearhead the effort and others will be swept up in your enthusiasm.  Level-headed Taurus handles practical considerations in short order, so feel free to fully fantasize.

GeminiGEMINI

Happy New Year Gemini!  While some of you squandered the last moments of 2013 acting desperate and slutty, others among you retained your dignity under the duvet as the proverbial ball dropped.  A number of planets in Capricorn influence gumby-like Gemini in a multitude of possible ways this January.  Will you tap into the power of the Sun, the insight of the Moon, the love of Venus, or the contemplation available in Mercury?  I vote you take the plunge of depth with Pluto.  In standard fashion, Gemini goes all in on the latest obsession/project.  Balance never really has been your strength, has it?  Enjoy your intense focus, the delicate process, and your fruitful results.

Cancer CANCER

New Year Greetings Cancer!  Most of your energy and thought funnels toward your primary relationship in January.  There’s just no escaping the cluster in your seventh house which governs close, confidante-like relationships as well as known enemies.  Exploring a new depth of connection, you’ll find yourself engaged in longing love stares and cuddling up like kittens.  Tension arises when Cancer tries to juggle the demands of partner and family against your own need for domestic downtime.  Will you capitulate to the wishes of your sweetie or will you put your own emotional needs first?

LeoLEO

A felicitous New Year to you Leo!  In January, you become the drill sergeant in the boot camp of your own life.  Leos making health-related resolutions possess the drive, organization, and will power to commit.  Now is the time to streamline your life into a simple and healthy routine.  This includes cleaning out the clutter that is physical, mentally, and spiritually blocking your path.  If you need to rest, do so rather than pushing yourself into illness.  Don’t expect others to embrace your health and cleaning kick with the same enthusiasm.

VirgoJob Number 2009126

Welcome to 2014 Virgo!  You feel like ringing in the New Year with a bang!  Literally.  You’ve got a tingle in your pants and a desire to tell it like it is which makes you a lot of fun to be around in January.  Throw down like the old days.  Remind them there was a time you didn’t sweat the pregame.  Flirting?  Yes.  Exhibitionist behavior?  For sure.  An embarrassing dance move?  I hope so.  Perhaps a smooch or two?  Pucker up.  Just remember we are in the digital age darling.  Keep the goodies covered.  Drag others along on this run of fun as everything is better when you’re ballsdeep in friends.

LibraLIBRA 2

Warm New Year Wishes Libra!  Nested at home is where you feel most comfort in January.  Creating the perfect table full of healthful foods feels deeply satisfying.  Gathering and connecting with the women nearest and dearest to you rounds out this nourishing time.  Replenish in good company and delicious meals.  All this homespun loving is great, but it also gives you a bit too much time to think.  Should you find yourself contemplating insane resolution-style mega shifts for the New Year like a move or a baby you could very well seal your own fate.

ScorpioSCORPIO

New Year Blessings Scorpio!  In January, you will talk and others will talk about you.  Wise Scorpios have watched, listened, and learned in the past months.  Now you have something to say and nothing can stop you from spurting out your true thoughts and feelings.  These ideas could lead to something interesting – a partnership perhaps?  Open up and you could very well catch the attention of a worthy collaborator.  As always, speak your mind, but do so tactfully so that you will be heard.  Now begins a seven month path of professional growth and discovery.

SagittariusSAG

A prosperous New Year to you Sagittarius!  Finally, some revenue accrues which begins January on a productive and lucrative note.  The financial momentum only reinforces the laser focus on your priorities.  More disciplined and professionally energized than ever, your intention has finally aligned with your talent.  Now is the time to eradicate obstacles and disbelief regarding your aptitude and capabilities.  Financial security provides options.  Will it be freedom or stability?  Remember, when it comes to money, make prudent choices like slow, steady saving.  Heed this advice and by summer you’ll have a soft place to land.

October 2013 Horoscopes

LibraLIBRA

Happy Birthday Dear Libra!  This month, dynamic energy triggers instability.  The friction emerges first at work, and then it insidiously seeps into your primary relationship. The New Moon on the 4th delivers a great deal of upset.  A willingness to accommodate unforeseen demands and disappointments meaningfully aids your journey through a very unpredictable October.  I’m sure this advice gets old month after month, but really listen: make yourself happy.  Good luck making anyone else happy this month.  Get rid of what you don’t need physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Love-seekers receive reassuring attention and admiration.  Take your pick.  Committed Libras deepen the connection with your partner on the 12th.  Your theme for this coming year is strength.  Cultivate power in every corner of your life.

ScorpioSCORPIO

Scorpio clings to anger like a baby blanket and takes comfort in rage like a lullaby.  The New Moon’s October 4th arrival isn’t exactly going to help you resolve your miserability since the energy is in direct opposition to your ruling plant.  Expect to get blamed for shit at work this month unless you are extra obnoxiously specific with your directions.  Multiplying the likelihood of chaos, Mercury moving in retrograde clouds your usually laser-sharp judgment.  October isn’t all bad, Scorpio.  Look forward to reaching resolve on a long-lingering relationship thorn this month.  Mischief-lover that you are, get ready for two distinctly sexual interludes – one taking place on Halloween night.  Furthermore and randomly, October is a favorable time to adopt a pet.

Sagittarius

SAGS

Because you are desperately in need of a new look and you have been working so hard, the universe has granted you permission to splurge.  Will it be new hair?  A face treatment?  A wardrobe investment?  Go big and drastic.  Others will see you in a new way after the change – as bolder and more capable.  A New Moon enters the scene the first week of the month and makes it impossible to ignore those underlying problems you’ve been trying to deny for months.  Sags have a way of frosting even the bleakest realities with a cloying sugar coating.  Anticipate a midmonth relationship reckoning.  Typically extroverted, spend October in the pocket watching, learning, absorbing, and thinking.  Single Sags should stay that way until Mercury moves out of retrograde, but feel free to enjoy the attention your new style garners.

 CapricornCAPRICORN

Pack your bags Capricorn because travel is a major theme for you this October.  It’s a good thing too, because there will be a number of difficult situations from which you want to flee.  Domestic drama in particular has you frustrated.  You aren’t that easy to live with, so relax the knit-picking and passive aggressive behaviors.  Shelve major decisions until your judgment is clearer.  No need to rush or persist this October.  There are upsides to waiting out this energetic vortex.  Why not go balls-to-wall ridiculous with your costume this Halloween?  Your wit, creativity, and industry are bound to produce a crowd-pleasing disguise.

AquariusAQUARIUS

Apologies Aquarius, October begins with a bitchslap.  Opposing forces mean bad news surrounding a relationship.  Your partner may victimize or suffer as a victim.  Either way, expect a serious shift in your priorities when it comes to this person.  Use the term “partner” broadly here to encompass a number of meaningful associations in your life.  When faced with other’s wrong-doing obsessively seek out every morsel of information until you are convinced you know everything.  False accusations kill relationships.  Delay any major commitments in October even though Aquarius is awash in impatience.  Devise a strategy comprised of a number of small achievable steps.

PiscesPISCES

Pisces feel extra fragile this October and there are a number of responses you could take to this vulnerability.  I don’t recommend hostility.  Respond with kindness and an intention towards compromise and everything will be much easier.  Financial anxiety only adds to your fear.  Keep your pocketbook zipped.  You’ll need a cushion of money this month.  Consider broadening your career options by tapping into your rich collection of contacts and resources.  Pisces positively glows with the good favor of others beginning the second week of October.  Dial back the risk after the 18th.  Energetically, you are set up for a super fun Halloween, so put your creativity to constructive use.

AriesARIES

Aries can’t keep quiet anymore.  Whatever you need to express, you will have the strength to deliver the message clearly.  Can you deny the serious cracks in the foundation?  Will you take the time to repair or trade up?  Remember Aries, those cracks are a result of you stomping around, so unless you mellow you’ll just break everything.  Detach emotionally from the outcome, and the solution will form like granite.  It takes all damn month, but Aries finally wraps up a major deal by the 31st which has you relieved and up for employee of the month.  Just because the project is complete doesn’t mean the pace will relax.  Without missing a beat prepare to go again and even bigger.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus feels uncharacteristically rebellious this October.  If you have the option to ease up on work responsibilities or take a personal day, this would be the time. You’ll get in trouble at work when you’re this dipped in spunkiness.  Play now if you can because next month work demands triple.  Revelations of the machinations of others surface and the selfish tone of the maneuvers leave you disappointed.  Trust that you will be shielded from the ugliness.  Taurus, remember you don’t have to tell everyone everything especially early in relationships.  You are freaking people out with your over-intimacy.  Dial it way back.

GeminiGEMINI

Now that fall has set in, so have certain realizations concerning your past mistakes.  The frivolity of summer with all its social exchange made it super easy to dodge responsibility, but all those slimy, icky, guilty feelings have come back with vengeance.  You can no longer ignore the pervasive thoughts centered on a most important relationship.  Trying to dismiss what is evident has frayed your nerves and left you spent.  Realizations aside, hold back on any confrontations or declarations.  October is a better time for planning.  November is a better time for action.  Do take time with unmanaged domestic maintenance matters before they become expensive problems.  This Halloween, instead of agreeing to drive everyone’s drunk asses around and then resenting it, why not go home and give out candy with your parents?  Wear a ridiculous costume and scare the children.

 CancerCANCER

Cancer’s theme this month is consistency in the face of adversity.  If you draw a line in the sand, honor it.  Respecting boundaries has never really been your strength, but this October it is more important than ever to stand your ground and make others move the mountain to meet you.  Incoming information the first week of the month shifts your perspective on a number of matters.  This time you cannot justify or excuse bad behavior.  Already confused, the damning intel won’t help clarify the situation.  Hide out until you know for sure.  The 12th presents a lovely opportunity for a domestic spruce.  Tackling a few home improvement projects will help assuage those anxious feelings of impatience.  Cancer can relax in knowing that work will remain relatively pleasant and calm this October.

 LeoLEO

Consider consciously backing off spending in October even though there’s a palpable temptation to go butt-crazy buying.  Your purchasing choices will not be well-reasoned this month.  October demands an intense operational tempo, but for all the work you put in you’ll see very little immediate return on your hustle.  A double whammy of energetic blockages has you feeling impotent and ineffectual.  Know that it isn’t entirely your fault and your fortune will change.  Listen to the wise counsel of others and take their advice. Your best day for love and surprises is the 16th.

VirgoVIRGO

Is there anything sexier than action?  Nope.  This month you are all do, do, do, and it is a refreshing blast of productivity compared to everyone’s slack.  Forging ahead in the midst of turbulence and resistance wears you out, so practice self-care Virgo.  Maintain a reasonable workout routine.  Continue to fill your savings account and invest wisely.  Strengthen your familial ties.  Stay far away from contracting and commitments as there is someone trying to intentionally deceive you.  Set aside major business dealings until the end of next month.  If you can escape on a trip with a friend, you must make it a priority to do so.  Virgo’s consistent hard work over the past year gives you a pass to relax for a few days.

August 2013 Horoscopes

Leo

LEO

Happy Birthday Leo!  Another year older, but are you any wiser for the wear and tear?  For sure.  Even though Leo is blessed with a number of desirable qualities which tend to stack the deck in your favor (looks, charisma, innate likeability), this year presented a number of character-building challenges that proved you are made of more than just an attractive veneer.  Life’s low points are wonderful indicators of who truly supports you when Leo isn’t pinning the tail on the donkey.  As you well learned, some bitches are just in it for the party.  Shed limiting obligations the first week of August.  By foregoing certain responsibilities other windows of opportunities arise.  Little Lion that anxiety you’ve been feeling shall pass, but you suffer a lack of motivation and a sense of weightiness that endures for at least the next three weeks.  August is not the month for major purchases or executing contracts.  You just aren’t up for reading the fine print and are likely to get suckered at worst and confused at best.  Expect a friend or colleague to throw a little salt your way.  The comment will sting, but you’ll get over it.

 VirgoVIRGO

The first half of the month Virgo benefits from the influence of Venus with a gain in popularity and amplified affection.  That flirtatious spark you’ve been flaming within the campfire of your social circle has all the planetary momentum to set fully ablaze.  Unfortunately, Virgo suffers a major letdown by someone you trust.  This betrayal changes an important relationship.  Don’t let the untrustworthy dealings of one person lead you to deep-freeze everyone.  Office politics, which you usually negotiate deftly, cause problems, delays, and frustrating losses.  With Neptune’s influence, Virgo’s efforts at clear communication get received like smoke signals.  Don’t expect folks to understand you this month.  This August, you may not even understand yourself.  Unresolved anger continues to surface and form into solid undeniable chunks of fury.  Better clean it up because it’s becoming a tripping hazard.

LibraLIBRA

Work and travel twist into themes of upheaval this August for Libra.  A charismatic, (if somewhat shadowy) influence enters into your professional sphere and offers you everything under the Sun to relocate to a major professional opportunity.  Will you stay or will you go?  A fresh wave of optimism sweeps in the second week of August which is only further boosted by a dollop of nepotism/networking.  Libra makes connections with your easy-going nature, and these relationships prove influential.  Libra likes to keep everybody happy, but even with organized time management (which you lack this month) you won’t be able to satisfy all the demands coming your way.  Expect a heavy-handed guilting when you have to say no to certain invitations.  Fuck ‘em. Do you.

ScorpioSCORPIO

August presents Scorpio the opportunity to recast yourself in a new role.  Quite literally, this may mean a professional reinvention or more subtly a personal redefining.  This rewriting of your own narrative will require you to shed one or more self-limiting definitions you’ve clung to for comfort and acceptance.  Scorpio may find that this new trajectory involves relocation, travel, or connecting with great numbers of people via the web.  Pal up with one super supportive friend who sincerely shares your enthusiasm.  This is a good time to soak in other’s ideas and share your thoughts which will be well-received.   Expect an encounter with a ruthless asshole in some official capacity – a cop, a lawyer, someone wielding their despotic power in an annoying way.  Don’t even bother engaging in any kind of challenge, you will be treated unfairly and you will lose.  An unsatisfying relationship meets its demise before month’s end.  Exit with integrity.     

SagittariusSAGS

The theme for Sags this month is random unexpected adventure.  A last minute trip, stepping in where someone else dropped out, Sags are great at seizing moments of spontaneity.  I would advise you not to hesitate, but hesitancy has never really been your problem.  For quite some time now, Sags have been suffering from an intimacy drought in their central relationship.  Intimacy and independence make uneasy bedfellows, and right now hacking your own way through life feels more important than hacking down your partner’s walls.  Past historical messiness comes back to haunt you in August, and you have no choice but to clean it up.  Socially Sags bubble and if you admit it, you have a little crush on someone in your group.  You love to talk, but you must let others have their say.  Sags are not great listeners and this month it becomes a problem.  August is not a favorable time to purchase a property or make family investments.  Just wait.

 CapricornCAPRICORN

 Capricorns hunt for avenues of wealth, and to that end August creates a fortunate window to pursue property investment for Capricorn.  Influenced by the confusion of the retrograde, Capricorn suffered a number of misunderstandings stemming from the end of last month.  Though you hate to admit it, you are hurting from the disconnection between yourself and folks you truly care for.  August clears the way and allows Caps to initiate a mending of those relationships.  Make no mistake: it’s on you.  This month bond with a distant someone who inspires you.  The energy you two create feeds a variety of positive outlets.  Professionally, Caps must curb overreaching ambitions which lead you to behave impatiently and without strategy.  Cut out extracurricular personal spending in August.  You can’t afford it.

 AquariusAQUARIUS

The first three weeks of August are all about relationships and meaningful interaction Aquarius.  Forge new connections and strengthen existing ones.  An interesting and influential iconoclast comes your way and stirs deep inspiration. Your mutual appreciation for each other’s weirdness manifests in supreme synergy.  A needling unresolved issue finally sees its satisfactory close.  Work hard in August.  Aquariaus interested in financial reorganization should pursue options this month.  A new interest rate could be in your future.  Appreciate the broad sweeping optimism that comes with Jupiter’s influence, but maintain realistic limits or suffer fatigue and frayed nerves.  When you overdo it this month, it will show up in your body.  A specific nexus ripens conditions for an opportunist.  Remain skeptical of big promises.  Keep an eye on business advisers and side-eye shady business practices.   A chilly, awkward relationship with a co-worker begins to thaw these last days of summer.  Single Aquarius find their strongest opportunities for love long distance.  Attached Aquarius must root out the truth like a pig in truffle season.

 PiscesPISCES

 A wave of practicality shapes Pisces’ professional focus in the beginning of August.  Get shit done and cross it off the list.  Watch out for the shit-talking backstabber at work.  Dreamy as always, that creative thinking leads you to an unexpected, brilliant scheme for money-making.  Rather than just roll the idea over in your mouth, innovate!  Pursue your hunches.  Doing so is what separates the mere dreamers from the doers.  For you Pisces, power comes from long-term persistence, but commitment and thoroughness are weaknesses for you.  Avoid speculative financial ventures.  Remember to balance optimism against realism.  This is the right time to hit up the bank for credit.  Pisces exudes lovely and sexy evocative swagger all month long, and the last two weeks of the month you experience magical love and hear the mood music swelling in the background.

 AriesARIES

 August ushers in a fascinating time for your love life Aries.  If your central relationship has gone a little limp, from the 9th-12th is the time to stiffen your resolve and get assertive in the bedroom.  August is the time to seriously look at the relationship between work and your health.  Are you personally satisfied with your job?  Are you taking proper care of yourself?  Aries don’t like to admit human weakness.  You must sleep.  You must eat well.  You must move moderately.  Failure on any of these three points sets you up for a really crappy time in August.  Why not slow down a little bit and enjoy the few last drops of summer?  Beware of liars right now as Jupiter makes creates susceptibility to untruths.  August has Aries pinned down by an opponent.  Admit you’ve been bested; sulk for a day, and regroup for revenge.  Now is not the time to leverage your personal wealth for business.

TaurusTAURUS

Taurus likes to run a tight ship and this month you turn that editorial eye towards your home.  First, throw out all the clutter.  Next physically rearrange your home to make it more practical.  Consider the manner and frequency that you use things order your space from there.  Bulls love to create self-systems, just remember that complicated arrangements are difficult to live up to.  Swirling conflict settles, technical glitches resolve, and Taurus hits a diplomatic stride at work.  Fixed or evangelical thinking – yours or theirs – won’t serve you.  Steer clear.  August ain’t the month for rebellion or rule breaking; you are definitely going to get caught.  No caving to your crazy friend’s peer-pressure.  Work relations hit a diplomatic stride.  Maintain a super-realistic if not down right skeptical attitude in your love life.  Either your partner is lying or you might be lying to yourself about your partner.

Gemini

GEMINIGemini demonstrates sparkling style this month and uses ample resources to play host, entertain with delicious food, and enjoy intimate, relaxed, romantic evenings.  Tech driven Gemini shines chatting about gadgets and whatnot.  You enjoy exchanging information with other nerds and find all the novel ideas very exciting.  Over the next year, Gemini’s everyday finances remain quite stable.  In August, greed and your attempts to manipulate prove counterproductive.  Shame on you for acting against your higher values.  Beware of involvement with loose ethics in your business dealings.  The Full moon brings opportunity for dynamic change.  Fear is holding you back.  This is all about your self-perception and your interactions with others.  You’ve tried to strengthen relationships with your family, but August brings a series of lousy, unfulfilling exchanges.  Though frustrating, the discord isn’t permanent.

 CancerCANCER

In August the stars align for romance dear Cancer.  Your normal mode of sulky communication shifts into compelling and sensual conversations.  An out-of-nowhere opportunity lands at your doorstep and you must decide whether to take it without much time to weigh it over.  Go with your gut.  Over the last month, your home situation hasn’t felt quite right.  Spend time arranging your space in a way that genuinely supports you.  Crabs always prefer tidy surroundings.  Rather flexible with the truth, now is the time to communicate without exaggeration.  Cancer stresses over fiscal concerns and feels like there are never quite enough resources to meet every demand.  Spend consciously, and balance everyday costs against long term expenses.  When it comes to your income, stand up for what you deserve and what is rightfully yours.

April 2013 Horoscopes

Aries

Happy Birthday Aries!  You little dirty bitch!  You’ve been up to no good and causing drama in all four corners.  Your reactive emotions fuel this behavior.  Aries tend to externalize which means you are always looking outside for sources of glory, security, joy and gloom.  It also means that those around Aries feel every ping of their energetic pong.  It’s more exhausting than that unrelenting table tennis fuck scene in Girls this season.  Aries generously offer wit, spark, and fun to the mix.  Don’t just skip past the word fun like its three little letters of meaninglessness.  Instead, consider how many people you know that are actually really good fun?  Remarkably few.  That’s why we appreciate you Aries.  Save the yelling, stomping, and fit throwing energy for more productive endeavors this April.  Let’s be honest: you’ve fallen a bit behind in some areas and need to quickly come correct.

Taurus

When the Bull makes up its mind there is no budging her no matter how insane and illogical her position.  Sometimes, Taurus wears this fixedness like a Girl Scout badge sewn arrogantly across the heart.  In other moments of great introspection, the Bull sees the folly in taking such unyielding stances.  Narrow, inflexible thinking limits you.  The sooner you learn that stubbornness is not a reliable power source, the better.  The corresponding positive trait to your stubborn nature is that you have grit and strength like no one else.  When you decide to do, you do.  When you commit, you are sincerely committed.  This tenacity basically guarantees you success if you can stay out of your own damn way.

 Gemini

Gemini takes April by the balls and executes on a number of important projects.  Geminis get a little muddled in their own dithering.  The theme for this year is clarity, power, and control.  Decide what you truly want without external influences.  Gather the resources to move forward.  Guide the process with a specific goal in mind.  How much time did you waste last month on activities that propelled you nowhere?  Exactly.  Now is the time to really examine yourself at the most basic and mundane levels, Gemini.  As a highly intelligent and skilled person, many ask for your help.  Remember you control the gauge on the generosity meter.  Give when it feels right, not out of a misguided sense of obligation.

 Cancer

The idiom “she has her heart in the right place” must have first been spoken about a Cancer.  Certainly, intention matters when you are navigating the world.  Just remember that other old saying – the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Accountability has never been your strength Crab.  Rather than deal with the consequences of your decisions, you’d rather hole up in your shell and hope the cloudy days and bill collectors pass.  To quote Heathers, “get crucial.”  None of this shit is going away.  One particularly interesting and frustrating thing about you Cancer is that once you decide to change, you do so rather easily.  Use this adaptability to move past some of your most childish and selfish behaviors.

Leo

Lately Leo has ladled up bowlfuls of excuses for bad behavior.  Little Lion is such a busy bee: too taxed for friends, too overstretched to lend an extra hand at work, too exhausted for family dinner.  We get it Leo.  You are much in demand.  Keep on keeping on with the one-sided relationships and you’ll see the demands on your time greatly diminish because no one will want to hang out with you anymore.  This April, concentrate on small gestures that demonstrate that you care about others.  Open doors.  Take the time and courtesy to smile.  Use please and thank you gratuitously.  Your kindness will have ripple effects.  Beyond mundane acts of common courtesy, reach out to that friend that obviously needs you, but that you keep blowing off.

 Virgo

Big change has ruptured the Virgo routine and it’s thrown your world and relationships into a chaotic tailspin.  Denial continues to plague Virgo’s advancement.  Acceptance is the first step, hunny.  Acknowledge the great success you have made in certain areas.  The respect you’ve earned and deserve is truly remarkable and rare.  Accepting your great strengths as part of a total package, it is only fair to consider your shortcomings too.  Virgos have a slow burn rager of a temper.  Adversaries who stoke that fire should prepare for a thrashing.  Virgos won’t hesitate to tell you how much you suck when you fail to meet their typically unreachable standards.  Instead of getting so angry, just get out.

 Libra

Always accommodating, Libra’s relationship idealism often clouds their common sense and better judgment.  Everyone you know isn’t going to move to the same block, line their yards with picket fences, and live happily ever after.  That’s not real life.  Rather than trying to cultivate this false Truman Show ideal, overcome your fear of disharmony.  Conflict and disappointments are realistic counterpoints to the greatest joys of life.  To live fully, Libras must embrace the full spectrum of relationship interactions, including discord.  Less prone to clutter than filth, dust bunnies do not constitute an Easter celebration.  You feel me?

 Scorpio

Unusually scattered Scorpios have been living a-maybe-this-maybe-that existence recently.  This out-of-character approach has you feeling flush with choices and the stress that accompanies multiple opportunities.  So what the fuck do you want to do Scorpio?  Rarely one to take the easy choice just because it’s easy, many won’t understand the reasoning behind your future course of action.  It won’t matter what anyone thinks if you are actually capable of executing on your grand plans.  Let the critics motivate your success.  Expect major breakthrough moments during this year of physical and emotional transit.

 Sagittarius

When Sags get into something, they really immerse themselves in a subject.  You love to learn every nuance and detail until you qualify as an expert in your area of interest.  Mastery fascinates you.  Sags learn with a child-like innocence that makes them excellent and dedicated pupils.  With all this energy directed towards your goals and intention, what time is left for your nearest and dearest?  Remember, other people have shit going on too.  We all enjoy celebrating your successes and joys, but avoid becoming a one-note Nancy.  Make sure your friends and family feel the same intensity of affection.  Meet others’ celebratory moments with the same enthusiasm you expect when sharing yours.

 Capricorn

Nerves.  Let’s talk about your nerves Cap.  You gotta lot of nerve, as demonstrated by your rather audacious and reckless choices.  Lately, all your nervous energy has wrecked your progress with a potential conquest.  At work, your nerves are frayed and your bitchy attitude is getting on everyone’s nerves.  Spend April soothing yourself and calming the fuck down.  Messy skin, dull eyes, clenched jaw, and the constant fidgeting are all evidence of your tightly wound personality.  You are serving us a clenched-ass Cameron from Ferris Bueller and it’s not a good look.  Relax.  Puff a doob.  Sip a scotch.  Enjoy an orgasm.  Meditate.  Find a way to relax.

Aquarius

Aquarius has undergone a period of self-flagellation recently which may have manifested in weight-loss, sleeplessness, and love lost.  Whatever it takes to make it back home, get there.  Now is the time to stabilize, center, and secure.  Get your bearings by surrounding yourself with people who really know you and want only the best for you.  April leaves Aquarius vulnerable to users, manipulators, and liars.  Guard your heart and secrets carefully this month.  Spend time alone walking in nature or playing with pets.  At least the animals won’t betray you.

 Pisces

Pretty Pisces articulates needs clearly this month.  Fishes feel deeply.  This spring, they are ready to reveal their honest sentiments without barriers of insecurity.  A new confidence and swagger comes with a clear understanding of what and who you want.  Just be careful what you wish for little dove.  Pisces tend to extend and then retract themselves, never really exposing true vulnerability.  What if you extended yourself with no expectation in return?  By adapting this courageous approach, you will profoundly evolve.  Pain is an inextricable part of life.  The Piscean tendency to recoil from discomfort explains why they often seek comfort in drugs, sex, or food to destructive ends.

February 2013 Horoscope

Aquarius

Happy Birthday Aquarius!  If life were dessert, you’d be the fluffy, foamy, creamy topping.  You are truly an effervescent joy, so much so that the more cynical among us sometimes read your jubilance as disingenuous.  Depending on how you wield your charisma that reading may or may not be true.  Getting to know you can be difficult Aquarius.  Actually, sometimes just getting you to sit still long enough to have a meaningful conversation is challenging.  Aquarius likes to maintain a wide social circle and has a knack for bringing folks together, albeit, somewhat indiscriminately.  In contrast, many Aquariuses (Aquarii?) also maintain a hermit-like private life.  A flourishing spiritual life is important, and many admire your commitment, but what about LOVE?  Light up in the thrill of flirt, and if you by any chance feel a spark, fan the flame.

 Pisces

Pisces rather selective nature often means they go months without taking a lover, but when they do, watch the fuck out because it is like a thirsty man found water.  Slightly self-obsessed navel gazers, Pisces spend a significant amount of time contemplating their own process and feelings.  Close friends of Pisces know that sometimes little fishes act like life is only happening to them.  Pull your head above water and inventory your nearest and dearest.  Don’t turn every proximate drama or trauma into your own.  Pisces possess a compassionate and forgiving nature; apply these qualities in your dealings with others this month.  Your personal integrity is admired by many.

 Aries

To others, Aries seem really moody and irrational for no apparent reason.  Of course the reason is apparent to you.  When you hit your limit with other people’s inconsiderate actions you aren’t afraid to let them know.  Since the world is full of rude and hateful people, from your point of view you are doing community service by informing them of their annoying behavior.  How noble.  Channel work stress into rough sex.  The bedroom is appropriate place for Aries to aggress this month. Think more heart-felt than extravagant this Valentine’s Day, and don’t forget your Mom.  Small gestures of loving generosity pay dividends in surprising ways.

 Taurus

Taurus envisions things a certain way, and when the illusion is shattered it is truly destabilizing.  The choices of some of your most trusted mentors have come to influence your thinking in certain matters.  Where are you willing to compromise?  More importantly, where are you not willing to compromise?  Life is too fleeting to waste time on the unworthy.  For you Taurus, this is especially true.  Over the next few months, there are consistent and significant demands on your time.  Typically very responsible, there will be some days in February where you just want to blow off your responsibilities.  You can get away with playing hooky once, so choose wisely.

 Gemini

Over the next three months Gemini will experience some serious upheaval that will inevitably throw your rigid world into relative chaos.  Emotionally, this will be a challenging time.  Rely on your intelligence to make wise and thoughtful decisions.  Whatever comes of change, you will adapt, grow, and more importantly thrive.  Spend more time organizing than procrastinating.  Just choose an item of clutter and put it away or get rid of it.  Rinse.  Repeat.  It’s not that deep.  Never one for big romantic gestures, ask yourself what it means when you pass up those small opportunities to show you care.

 Cancer

February should prove especially enchanting for Cancers.  Romance, delicious food and general wooing is coming your way, so brace yourself to swoon.  They say at any given time a person juggles at least five worries.  You shoulder your share of troubles, but lately those concerns have taken a less prominent role in your thinking.  All of your hard work really benefits the bank account which allows you to pay off your debts if you choose to responsibly allocate your resources.  This is an opportunity to break a pattern.  Stay active; it will keep not only your body in shape, but quiet your mind as well.

 Leo

Oh lovely Leo, mundane repairs and maintenance dominate over the first three weeks of the month.  This is a fantastic month for collaboration both professionally and privately.  Professionally, others view you as a contributor and team player.  Your ideas are valued even if you find the perspectives of teammates ludicrous.  Listen carefully to the wise opinions of those you trust. Personally, you begin to realize that your current situation is hindering your progress in general.  When it comes to love Leo, a little strategy wouldn’t hurt.  You are a Lion, so go stalk your prey.  Nothing feels as good as being desired, so express yours.

Virgo

That hectic pace has finally caught up with you dear Virgo and whether you want to or not life has forced you to slow your roll.  Professionally, you’ve proved yourself, but at what expense?  Look at your calendar.  Is there a blank day?  Virgos tend to overschedule.  Virgos need blank days.  We all need blank days.  Towards the end of the month Virgos brim with creative and practical solutions.  February forces conversations about living situations, especially the balance of indoor outdoor space.  These considerations cause you to go back over your past which leads to some interesting personal revelations.

 Libra

After a rather lengthy gray period, February opens up some opportunities for fun, perhaps even including animals or children.  It’s been awhile since Libra enjoyed frivolous, silly fun and activities you enjoy.  Libras gain a renewed sense of confidence with a full dance card, and you come on like a tropical breeze this February.  A little levity lightens your mood and this leads to closer intimacy between you and your partner.  Already prone to nostalgia, February has you contemplating the family legacy.  Libras especially value family and therefore make the perfect candidates for creating tributes to parents.

 Scorpio

Just when you think you know a Scorpio, they totally surprise you – sometimes with their sweetness and sometimes with their stinger.  Profoundly manipulative, there are few lengths Scorpios won’t go to get what they want, especially when motivated by revenge or spite.  When Cartman tells Scott Tenorman, “I made you eat your parents,” Scorpios not only relate to the sentiment, they champion it.  If revenge is a dish best served cold, Scorpios invented the recipe.  What many Scorpios forget is that they are not exempt from the balancing forces of the universe.  What goes around comes around.  So if you are going to serve up a plate of parents, make sure you are prepared to eat yours.

 Sagittarius

Wow Sags what an amazing month!  Sincerest congratulations on all you’ve accomplished.  Sags put a lot of pressure on themselves to be the consummate everything.  You get really worked up and set personal expectations unreasonably high.  Now is the time to set the temptation of future-thinking aside and discipline yourself to fully inhabit this moment.  Humble yourself to receive information rather than suffocating the process.  Sex is important to Sags on many levels, but this month you crave substantial physical validation.  Rather than playing coy, just level with your conquest and let them know what you need to feel fulfilled.

 Capricorn

Experience the New Year as a fresh start Capricorn.  Take stock, reevaluate, and reprioritize what is most important to setting you up for success.  After doing a personal inventory, your path will appear much more clear and obvious.  February will be a social month full of face to face communication.  Pop a mint.  Two-thirds into the month, Capricorn’s focus shifts to property and material security.  Caps expend time and resources on financing and development try to maximize profit on investments.  Gotta love a Cap always trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents.  Your hustle is one of your best qualities.