Tag Archives: house guest

That weekend I ate a $10 box of crackers.

LESLEY STOWE RAINCOAST CRISPS FIG AND OLIVERemember when I went to Pitchfork in Chicago this summer?  My most vivid recollection of that weekend was consuming an entire box of fancy crackers at my friend’s house.  Only after a recent trip to Whole Foods did I learn that I had snacked away an entire $10 package.  I’m such a shitty house guest, for real.  Forgive me.  Your Lesley Stowe Raincoast Crisps were so tasty I couldn’t resist.   I promise to fortify your fancy cracker supply Anne-Marie.  To think that without your influence, I could have gone my whole life and never tried a $10 cracker.  LESLEY STOWE RAINCOAST CRISPS CHERRY AND HAZELNUTMORE RAINCOAST CRISPS


One of my nearest and dearest spent the night last week.  When he arose from his slumber, he hit the breakfast blend bong and asked, “What are those sheets?”Pure Beech Bitch!  I’ve been sleeping with Pure Beech sheets for a few years now.  This isn’t some 1200 thread count fancy Frette shit.  You can scoop these babies up at Bed Bath & Beyond for less than $100 with one of those expired coupons you’ve been hoarding.   They come in jersey and sateen.  I prefer sateen.Why do we ♥ these sheets?  Well, one might compare them to t-shirt sheets, but they definitely have a more luxurious feeling.  Thin, silky, and ecologically generated from beechwood trees, these sheets have a super soft, worn-in feeling right out of the box.  Another bonus, the fabric gives and the fitted sheet fully hugs thick mattresses.  I would assign only one demerit to this product and that’s in the area of durability.  Especially if you bleach like I do, don’t expect these sheets to hold up year after year.  In my experience, they have about a 3 year lifespan if you wash them once a week. 

It’s not clean if….

there’s a ring around itthere’s a layer of dust on itthere’s a pubethere are water spotsit hasn’t been washed between visitors

you just febrezed itit’s smelly in the pitsit’s growing slime


5 things you should never ever do

fart in an elevator.

spend more than four consecutive nights at someone’s house without paying rent.

speed up to cut someone off.

break a promise.

fuck in your parents’ bed.


Don’t with Decorative Towels

What the fuck is the deal with the decorative towels?  Can someone explain this fug phenom to me please?Daily readers know, last weekend I went to the Telluride Yoga Festival.  Saw Ralph Lauren’s ranch while I was there.  Major.  Telluride is major in many ways, but that’s a story for another day.  And I do have a story about puffing on the gondola and then having a pushy Texan wedding party come crashing into our little hot box.  But today we are talking towels; specifically, decorative towels and what purpose, (if any) they serve.I stayed at a friend’s in-laws.  Possibly awkward to begin with right?  Well we rolled up to their 2 year old mountain home and our host showed me to my quarters – a single fold-out cot set up in the office.  No problem, I’m not a snob.  Some curtains or blinds on the windows would be nice for privacy, but the sleeping accommodations were adequate, and let’s face it the price (free) was right.

The hostess provided a diminutive hot pink polyester bath towel.  One small towel for 3 nights.  No washcloth.  No hand towel.  Then I’m shown to the bathroom and I see at least a dozen decorative towel sets layered on three different rods.  A large bath towel, a hand towel, and a washcloth were stacked 2 to a bar all around.  Since the host pointedly provided me a different sad little towel, I assumed these towels weren’t for actual use.  So what’s the fucking point of having towels that no one ever uses? Ask me if the bathroom in this million+ dollar home was clean.  No it wasn’t.  In fact in the two years it has existed I wonder if it has ever been properly cleaned.  Nasty.  I’m not asking for much, but clean the goddamn bathroom for crying out loud.  I’d rather be poor and tidy than rich and filthy.  Is that why they call it filthy rich?  If you are one of those matchy-matchy mutherfuckers, I ask you to reconsider the useless decorative towels.  Towels are meant for absorbing water off the body, not for gazing at reverentially as if they are priceless art.  It’s a fucking towel. If you host a guest for three days provide the following at minimum: 2 large bath towels or bath sheets, 2 hand towels, and 1 or 2 washcloths.  They should preferably be white, soft, clean, and fluffy cotton. 



Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: ass toys are not for sharing

So I was talking to one of my favorite people ever today.  He’s been mentoring a cousin semi-new to the scene and trying to instill the proper etiquette into the young man for navigating the treacherous waters of the modern gay world.My impeccably clean and well-mannered pal has extended his home to his ill-mannered cousin on a number of occasions.  In the past, cugino harmlessly and forgettably annoyed friend and his put-upon partner when staying over, but recently the off-side twat went too far.After arranging his cuz comfortably and appropriately in front of the tv on the couch, friend trusted his cousin in his apartment unattended for a short window of time.

During the brief moment of solitude in his older, respected mentor’s well-kept home, cousin crept upstairs and rifled around in the room he shares with his long term partner.

Primo shamelessly fished through the goody drawer and with unmitigated gall had the audacity to employ a very pricey prostate stimulator and do work on himself.

Take a moment and let it wash over you.  I understand.  Happy to wait. How did friend know about the trespass?  Cousin left the dirty ass toy on a washcloth next to the sink like a parting gift.  He did not even bother to wipe it down with the rubbing alcohol conveniently adjacent.So just in case any of you extra sloppy-ass invasive bitches (paging punk cousin) need a remedial manners moment, using someone else’s butt fun without permission is not a gesture of gratitude.


On Hosting

There are very clear and distinct rules for hosting an overnight guest.  If hosting is done properly, a lot of preparation and careful forethought is required.First, you must clean.  You must clean above and beyond your normal routine.   If you don’t have a normal cleaning routine, you are a filthy pig and don’t deserve a visit anyway.Guests should never have to confront your pubes on the toilet, your hair in the shower, or a dirty bathmat.  The accommodations you provide for your guests should exceed the standards of cleanliness at a four star hotel.  Even if your accommodations are modest, they must be impeccably clean.Your guest needs a place to put his or her things.  Provide empty shelves in the bathroom and hanging space for clothing.  Think about what you need when you stay somewhere, provide extra towels, extra blankets, ear plugs, and any little extra luxury your guest might enjoy.

As a guest, be respectful and use only the guest bathroom.  Keep your things in your assigned space and not scattered about your host’s home.  Respect each others privacy. Guests, you’ve got three days.  That’s it.  Hosting well is an art and it can be tiring.  To ensure a repeat invitation always leave your host wanting more.