Tag Archives: January Jones

SAGS 2013: If you care what they wear

Jane Krakowski wore KauffmanFranco – best color, unforgivable tailoring.

Zac Posen really only makes variations of one basic gown, but it is a damn fine gown – as seen here on dingbat Amanda Seyfried.

Boldest couple debut: Vincent Kartheiser and Alexis Bledel.  Our little Rory Gilmore loves her co-stars doesn’t she?

Anne Hathaway demonstrates the most ill-advised use of a Giambattista Valli dress.

The Jenny Packham girls, the better version above on Jenna Fischer and the lesser below on Kelly Osbourne.

The head to toe hell no – Sofia Vergara in Donna Karan.

Claire had nowhere to go but down after her last showing, but the aging makeup and side boob vadge action aren’t working in this Givenchy. Giuliana is showing positive progress on probation after her last fashion felony in this far less offensive Max Azria.

Elisabeth Moss gives some gams in Dolce & Gabbana.

Can you feel the tension in this high-fashion face off between January Jones in Prabal Gurung and Jessica Paré in Jason Wu?  The straps on the Jason Wu look a bit like suspenders.  I appreciate that January Jones doesn’t dress for the men, but could she pick something flattering just once?

Most timelessly spectacular putting all these young bitches to shame – Mizz Jessica Lange.

Jessica Chastain contends for best dressed in Alexander McQueen, but the lipstick is wrong and she needs to whiten her teeth.

Gorgeous and talented Jennifer Lawrence has no fucking clue how to dress herself.  Christian Dior can throw couture at her the whole award season through, and she’ll waste every opportunity with the wrong hair, jewelry, and makeup.

Julianne Moore should only let Tom Ford dress her because this Chanel is a fucking floral flat-tittied disaster.

What do we think of these two?  Jennifer Westfeldt looks better than usual if a tad boobish in Blumarine.

Let’s start with the hair – an obvious hot mess, move down to the 3D bustage on this strange Vivienne Westwood, glance at those lame duck shoes and declare Nicole Kidman an epic dud.

Me likey Nina Dobrev in this Elie Saab, even if it is quite derivative of Emma Stone in Calvin Klein from a season or two ago.

Look at our little Kiernan Shipka all grown up in this Oscar de la Renta.

MET GALA 2012: impossible conversations about inexplicable selections

As those of us with a pulse know, last night the Met Gala threw down in NYC.  The ball celebrated the opening of the exhibit Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations at the Costume Institute.  Let’s have a conversation about the fucking weird ass choices some of these bitches made last night. It is hard to know where to start, so let’s start with some one who should know better.  Rachel Zoe looks like a fringed push pop in this ridiculous-on-her frock.  Zoe styled Karolina Kurkova (where you been girl?) in a gown from her eponymous line. The dress appears to have been heavily influenced by the Armani gown Zoe dressed Anne Hathaway in for the Oscars not too long ago – that Zoe, always full of fresh ideas.Beyoncé loves that stupid ass pose.  Who the fuck stands like that in real life?  The way she stiffly palms her outer thighs is so forced and unnatural.  Do we need to talk about this Givenchy Couture?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it seems to me that Givenchy cares more about appearing on the red carpet than maintaining a high standard of brand integrity.  By my totally unscientific estimation, about one in ten times Givenchy gets it right with their red carpet loaners.  Sorry B, this is definitely not one of those times.  I hate almost every single thing about this dress.  It took some nutz for Christina Ricci to rock this odd Thakoon number.  It isn’t perfect, but it is courageous.  Is she going through another praying mantis phase or is it just a pre-Met crash diet?If Laura Ashley and a flora chintz sofa made a bastard love child, this Valentino blanket that SJP is wearing would be the unholy spawn.  Jessica Paré wore the shit out of this L’Wren Scott gold cap sleeve.  No dummy, our little Megan obviously plans to squeeze every last drop of exposure from her Mad Men supporting role.  Good for her, this was one of the better ensembles of the evening. From one Mrs. Draper to another, January Jones typically pushes boundaries, at times at the expense of flattery.  The more I look at this sculpted Versace, the less it offends me.  Yeah, the peplum has been overdone this season, and yeah yellow and black tends to evoke bumble bee, but I think this is a bold and interesting post-baby choice.  She’s done worse. Lately, Emma Stone has made me forget why I like her.  The color, shape, texture, and timing of this Lanvin cocktail frock is all wrong for this season and this event.  Did she get lost on her way to homecoming?Carey Mulligan co-hosted the event and wore this shield to protect her soul from the despotic clutches of Anna Wintour. Paltrow predictably in Prada presenting a pinch of side boob.  Have we reached a consensus on whether she conservatively augmented her tatas after Moses?  If she’s going to continue to push those absurd Tracy Anderson workouts then she might want to actually wear something that celebrates her hard-fought body.  Unfinished is the word I would use to describe this look.Is Cameron just straight up old now or what?  Squint – is this Sharon Stone or Cameron DiazStella McCartney provided the matronly gown.  Stella McCartney is just mean with some of the ugly ass shit she makes her friends wear, damn.Claire Danes evoked a little Betty Draper from the neck up, which was a welcome departure from her minimalist tendency.  J Mendel conceived of the ill-fitting garment.  The cut accentuates her tiny top and then betrays her by creating the illusion of a big bottom.  Face it, she’s serving sleeveless bathrobe. First, why are these two getting married?  I dislike them each individually more when they are together.  Biel looks like she hemmed that dress with two-sided tape 5 minutes before she strode onto the carpet.  We all know very well that Jessica Biel couldn’t dress herself  if she were locked in a Chanel store.  When it comes to Biel, the expectations are very low.  Yet she still repeatedly fails to meet them.  Much like Justin Timberlake’s acting career.  Dunst looks pissed.  I’d be pissed to if I wore that random shit to the fashion event of the year.  I hate this evening suit almost as much as I hate that overrated Melancholia.Hey Flo!  I truly appreciate your willingness to go balls to the wall.  At Coachella, you served me desert couture and I’m grateful for it.  However, you are not Lady Gaga.  This fussy layered McQueen is an overreach that reads more costume than gala. Prabal Gurung is a pimp.  That’s called swagger bitches.  Recognize. One of the best dressed of the evening – Marion Cotillard in head to toe Dior.  Don’t usually love a sheer bottom, but this dress photographs and fits beautifully.  J’adore. We saw quite a few subtle variations on a very similar look; here Rihanna does the long-sleeved reflective column in black Tom Ford.  Snooze. Scarjo no!  This embellished, pink, antiquated Dolce & Gabbana mess had no bizness at the Met Gala.  I need more modernity from you Scarlett!  You are not a little girl anymore; evolve past this princessy shit. Bad Grandma!  Bad, bad Grandma!  We told you not to leave Shady Pines without a nurse’s aid.  Oh wait, that’s just Mary Kate at the Met GalaJessica Alba improved over last year, but she should have worn this dress then when this Michael Kors metallic lamé might have felt fresh.  Did Brad Goreski style her again this year?The unofficial perennial Prom King and Queen of the Met Ball, Gisele and Tom  stuck to boring black this year.  Is it me or does that photo reveal a bit of tension between the power couple?

Hey Kanye, Anna wouldn’t let you bring Kim?

March 2012 Horoscopes

Pisces

Happy Birthday little fishies!  I have a special fondness for you.  Pisces usher in the last painful days of winter.  The time of Pisces ends with the vernal equinox and the dawn of spring.  Expect to walk a path that follows the trajectory of your sign in March.  A period of darkness comes before the light shines.  These dark days feel interminable.  Find a few highlights to look forward to this month, like a festival or concert.  Now more than ever you are focused on the future and what it has in store for you.  Continue to craft your destiny.  Fortify your current ideals and discard the flimsy, unsubstantiated leanings of the past.  Pisces must persevere to thrive.  Rewards are sure to follow.

Aries 

Over the past few months, circumstances and energy funneled to place Aries in a leadership position.  From this vortex you feel good, and this boost has increased productivity and ultimately heightened your desire for success.  Keep your ego and character in check.  Success and integrity are not mutually exclusive – quite the contrary.  Continue to take the lead, make mindful decisions, and gain esteem through your efforts.

Taurus

Bulls find themselves paired with Libras this month in a situation where you work together.  Even though you can be hard to get along with, Libras typically aren’t, so this may be the beginning of a beautiful working relationship between the two of you.  A less literal interpretation of the stars means Taurus must find balance in March, particularly in the areas of daily life, health and environment.  Taurus feels the full Moon this month and it inspires a change in dreams, hopes, and goals.  Even though you are not always a fan of change, soldier forward.

Gemini

In March, Geminis must speak their truth.  What do you need?  What do you want?  What do you know is true?  Share your wisdom and unapologetically state your point of view.  Rather than turning folks off, you will ease their insecurities.  Gemini’s natural problem-solving skills come in handy for those who receive the benefit of your company this month.  Share your bounty of intelligence.  Be especially careful not to overlook anyone.

Cancer

Crabs experience an influx of creativity in March and for several months after.  Working with family enhances and supports this surge.  Over the last month, outside influences have caused a shift.  Life has demanded that you recalibrate and reprioritize.  Cope with these new demands by preparing and maintaining a balanced and beautiful home.

Leo

In March, Leos ponder an investment, possibly in real estate.  Could this be the means to ensuring your future?  Could this opportunity free you to pursue your creative interests while securing lasting wealth?  Evaluate the deal carefully.  It may feel well outside your comfort zone.  Long-buried family secrets shake up trauma at home.  Maintain your guard and steer the family towards the clear.

Virgo

March brings a mess of chaos to Virgo’s life over the next month.  If you have heeded the advice provided over the last few months, your careful handling of financial resources is about to save your ass.  Good looking out.  Expect an unforeseen overabundance, extra cash in the drawer, an extra deposit, something of that nature.  This extra is a result of a secret, a secret that should be kept hidden.  Proceed carefully and with complete discretion.  Plan a trip to visit far-flung family for later this summer.

Libra

Libras may just have to swallow their pride and ask for help this month.  Some require financial need, others need emotional support.  Friends and family make themselves available, just be sure to lean on someone you trust.  As you receive gifts from once source, find a way to pay it forward to someone else in your life that desperately needs an upgrade.  Through your Librian influence you make people, things, and places more attractive and valuable.  Don’t let technological glitches twist your panties.

Scorpio

One of your worst qualities Scorpio is that you suck at taking criticism.  Like right now, you are bristling at that tiny disparagement.  When you overcome the kryptonite power of other people’s judgments, you will ascend to your highest self.  This month will be an excellent test.  A barrage of opinions will come your way like a season of harsh and unrelenting winds whipping at your face.  Scorpios hear every opposing opinion as a challenge.  Keep big picture plans to yourself.  Check in on old friends, and clean up any messes you’ve left behind.  Resolving past conflicts with integrity paves the path for a pure and clean future.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius experiences an unusual sense of self-limitation this month.  Usually free and confident, a cloud of self-doubt settles over Sags in March.  Are you hyper-focused on your own personal problems?  If you find yourself stuck in a negative mind-loop, hop the wheel and flee the scene.  Get sucked into all that noise and March will slip through your fingers as you piss it away wallowing.  Replace hateful thoughts with prayers and meditation.  Think about someone or something other than yourself.

Capricorn

After last month’s bitter disappointment, Caps take their dashed hopes and find new friends and expand their social circle.  A fascination with a new hobby or interests helps bring a new community into the mix.  This is an exciting opportunity to begin anew.  Amidst all these new social connections, don’t fail your current friends.  Relationship garden beds need tending; don’t let yours overrun with weeds.

Aquarius

Quite a bit of shine comes your way this month Aquarius.  Can you receive the glory with grace, or will you seek refuge from the glare of the spotlight?  Influential people take interest in you.  This is an opportunity for you to leave a major impression.  Enjoy honor and praise, and contemplate the possibility of professional advancement.  Whether plugged into the machine or making your way more independently, in March apply tactics for growth and personal satisfaction.

Dress You Up In My Love: Skirt Embarrassment at the Holiday Party

Dudes, enough with the argyle sweaters.  Every holiday party lately looks like an argyle explosion.  Blame the Banana Republic clearance rack.  A perfectly-tailored suit is always a nice choice.  Werk a bow tie to catch ‘em by surprise.  Steam or iron — wrinkles ain’t cute at a formal function ya’ll.Ladies, many of you will gravitate towards some variation on the ubiquitous sparkle.  I’m not placing an outright fatwa on sparkle because when used appropriately it can be a powerful way to amp an ensemble.  However, keep in mind shine accentuates.  If your body ain’t right, a full sequined look will not only add bulk, but draw attention to every lump.  Use sparkle sparingly.Select a look that errs on the side of classic and conservative.  Think Betty Draper not JWoww.  If a fleeting thought enters your head that your dress is too short, your cleavage too deep, or your pants too tight, honor that voice, and for the love of Jesus on his birthday change your fucking clothes.  Better to dress comfortably and appropriately than look like you suffer from the worst faux pas of all – poor judgment.  Also, I’m sick of this pretty princess curling iron shit.  Try a new ‘do this year.  This look is so over.

17th Annual SAG Fashion: the pretty and the shitty

Best dressed goes to Julie Bowen for her flattering and original Catherine Malandrino jumpsuit.  Julie gets the prize because this may be the best she’s ever looked.  Hitting her fashion stride, the choice highlighted her toned arms and tiny waist.  Christina Hendricks also deserves compliments for reining in her (allegedly enhanced) rack in this elegant long-sleeved L’wren Scott gown.  Modern and slimming, a much-improved showing for our Joanie. Yeah, yeah, Mila looked great in Alexander McQueen.  Finally, she picked a gown that does her justice.  She’ll be the obvious contender for “best dressed” among the mainstream critics.  It wouldn’t be a proper awards show without a Demeter Clarc selection making the cut.  This time Julia Stiles worked this Monique L’huillier ombre from the Pre-Fall 2011 collection.  Don’t love the uninspired hair, but she gives good gown. A trio of cap-sleeved gowns appeared on January Jones, Jenna Fischer, and Nicole KidmanJayma Mayes and Jennifer Lawrence worked detailed variations of the theme.  None were particularly spectacular. On the fug continuum, Jayma sits on the least offensive end and Jenna on the way, way, way other side.  Heather Morris, Kyra Sedgwick, and Sarah Hyland served sexy strapless.  Tina Fey, Winona Ryder, Claire Danes, Dianna Agron, Julianna Margulies, and Natalie Portman sucked all the seduction out of the silhouette.  Angie Harmon suffered from a serious case of overcompensation.  I’m so mad at WinonaThe one-shoulder women, tasteful Hilary Swank wearing Versace, and budget Kim Kardashian in Marchesa. While originality is always appreciated, the most interesting part of Eva Longoria’s Georges Hobeika gown was estimating how much titty tape went into tacking that strap down.  Sophia Vergara joked that she makes everything look like Cavalli.  Unfortunately, that means she makes Cavalli look like JovaniLea Michele came with a whole different take on the deep-V in Oscar de la Renta.  Overall, it was a very de la Renta-heavy evening.

GOLDEN GLOBES 2011: the chic and the weak

Best of the night, Anne Hathaway in a modern fashion-forward Armani Privé gown (featured here in best gowns of Fall 2010 waaaay back in August).

Worst of the night, Heidi Klum in Marc Jacobs serving Neapolitan nausea.

Calvin Klein Collection provided intense color and clean lines resulting in two of the most refreshing looks of the evening – Emma Stone and Claire Danes. The two biggest disappointments were Jennifer Lawrence in Louis Vuitton and Scarlett Johansson in Elie Saab.  These were not the most offensive gowns of the evening, but neither selection does its wearer justice.  Since this was one of Scarjo’s first appearances post-divorce announcement, her failure to turn it out is really inexcusable. More than ever, these mega-gowns feel really antiquated.  Catherine Zeta-Jones goes to prom in Monique L’huillier

Pretty pink princess Lea Michele joins her in Oscar de la Renta

Eva Longoria looks like she’s dragging her grief behind her in this Zac PosenWho invited Hewitt?

From the washed-up diva collection, Zuhair Murad dressed both Christina Aguilera and Jennifer LopezAwkward and abysmal asymmetry abounded; unfortch, no one executed this look correctly.

Julie Bowen in Tadashi Shoji - we want so much more for you Claire.

Julianne Moore tried her best to work a Lanvin dress that was in desperate need of a good steam.  Nicole Kidman bored us in Prada.Granny gown girls: Leighton Meester misfired again in Burberry and Michelle Williams continues her defiantly unappealing streak in Valentino. The two most overrated?  Sophia Vergara in Vera loves-a-sash Wang and Angelina Jolie in Versace.  Hey Angie, Joan Collins called and demanded you return her gown.  The most stylish and appropriately dressed youngin’ was Hailee Steinfeld in Prabal Gurung. Sarah Hyland could have used some guidance away from this fug Max Azria. Many folks will criticize Natalie Portman’s Viktor & Rolf gown, but who can be mad at this feminine display of whimsy?  Olivia Wilde deviated from the crowd with this full-skirted, sparkly, starry night Marchesa gown.  

The titty committee, January Jones in Versace and Halle Berry in Nina Ricci. The Glee girls gave good gownage.

Single-note strong colors adorn Kyra Sedgwick in Emilio Pucci and Elisabeth Moss in Donna Karan.

Most random?  A heavy-banged Sandra Bullock in Jenny Packham

Terry Richardson: Pervy Fashion Favorite

Who delivered at the 2010 Met Costume Institute Gala?

Anne Hathaway in Valentino, one of the best of the night.

Blake wasted her banging body in this Versace mistake.

I’m not mad at Gwen for this.

January, no, oh no…..

Mila, kinda drowning, but not bad.

Biel puts the ralph in Ralph Lauren.Why Gisele, why?Bad fit in YSL.

Diane von Furstenberg does Kristin Bell right.

Padma proves shiny fabric is no woman’s friend on the red carpet.

JLO’s done this look before, but it is done well here.