Tag Archives: Jason Hoppy

Bethenny Unleashes that Famous Scorpio Stinger

Recently, my friend broke up with a Scorpio and she’s moving out.  I told her she better hurry because Scorpios are spiteful.  Psst.  Someone might wanna tell Jason Hoppy.  He’s about to endure the psychological, physical, and spiritual spanking of his life.TMZ went snooping around the couple’s divorce papers, and by the slant of the intel I suspect Jason personally hand-delivered the documents to Harvey Levin’s desk. 

1) Bethenny seeks primary physical custody of Bryn.  (No big surprise there.)

2) Bethenny moved to enforce the prenup signed March 23, 2010.  (Definitely no surprise there.)

3) Frankel requested child support.  (Best characterized as a routine request in an atypical financial situation.)

4) She also asked for medical, dental, optical, therapeutic, and orthodontic expenses for both her and Bryn.  Is Bethenny Getting Braces?Bethenny suffers to lose significantly more from a drawn out split.  Much like Kris Humphries desperately clinging to the last burnt, bitter wisps of fame by refusing to divorce Kim, Jason can only benefit from making this separation process as tedious, embarrassing, and damaging to Bethenny as possible.  Bethenny and her well-compensated counsel better craft an unbelievably attractive agreement and apply some coercive tactics to get ink on it fast.

Bethenny dropped the sperm donor

In the least surprising news ever, Bethenny and Jason dropped the divorce bomb right before Christmas hoping to bury the story in eggnog.  Nice try.  We see you.  Here is the requisite carefully worded statement the couple released.

It brings me great sadness to say that Jason and I are separating.  This was an extremely difficult decision that as a woman and a mother, I have to accept as the best choice for our family. We have love and respect for one another and will continue to amicably co-parent our daughter who is and will always remain our first priority. This is an immensely painful and heartbreaking time for us.

The timing makes sense.  Best to file before that talk show money starts rolling in next year (though I strongly suspect that the rumored post-nup was indeed executed).  A completely baseless rumor floating around the internet was that Jason resented the financial agreement and it became one of many festering sores that eventually turned the whole relationship septic.  We all know that another point of contention in this relationship was Jason’s parents who will not be sorry to see Bethenny go.Want another tidbit of totally unsubstantiated gossip?  Rumor has it Bethenny doesn’t maintain her figure with a devotion to healthy eating.  Some say Jason was concerned how Bethenny’s laxative-loving behaviors might influence their daughter.  Again, this is probably just some baseless bullshit planted to discredit.  And you know I ain’t one to gossip, so you didn’t hear it from me….

if you were wondering about Bethenny…

After coming out the gate strong ratings-wise, viewership for Bethenny’s talk show is on the decline and inconsistent among the various test markets according to the Hollywood Reporter.  Does that mean the show won’t get picked up for the fall?  That remains to be seen, since even though the ratings are softening, they are still stiffer than that of her lead-in Wendy Williams.  Though I suspect there’s some whitewash skewing in those numbers.  Ever notice how the stations always run their annoying “weekly test” beep during Wendy.  Coincidence or racially motivated disruption?  You be the judge.  Back to Bethenny.Apparently, Bethenny also had rats in her L.A. abode and cockroaches in her hotel room.  Welcome to the A-List hunny.If you were curious how that major lawsuit between B and her former manager resolved, she recently settled the case.  Despite her “mo’ money, mo’ problems” rhetoric over the last year, the case apparently had enough merit to withstand summary judgement.  She threw some money at the problem and now this one has gone away.  While she’ll probably choke writing the sizable check, she must be relieved that potentially expensive dispute is over.  What is next for Bethenny?  Are the rumors of another baby true?  Will she and Jason make it?  Will her talk show go nationwide?  More specifically, is she still ascending or has she begun her descent?  Just when she looks poised for a fall, she claws her way back to surer footing.  Even if you hate her, you have to admit she’s a scrappy bitch.

Bethenny and Jason on the Rocks?

We’ve all been on quite a ride with Mizz Frankel haven’t we?  At first, in the earliest days of RHNY, I was sort of fond of her.  Perhaps she was just the least offensive member of an all-around offensive group, but for the most part we were rooting for her.  As her fame, brand, and wealth grew, so did her narcissism, impatience, greed, and need for control.  In my opinion, her merger with Jason was just that – a calculated business decision aimed at furthering her appeal to a larger (more lucrative) audience.  Along came Bryn, and with her new baby Bethenny had all the the perfect ingredients to market cocktails, shapewear, skin care, books, and more to eager moms.  Not to mention Bethenny leveraged her new role as “mommy” to snag sponsorship deals with major players like PampersFirst during Bethenny Getting Married? and later throughout Bethenny Ever After, the couple’s total incompatibility became full-on apparent.  This last season grew so uncomfortable, I couldn’t even find the humor and fun in writing my silly little recaps.  So it comes as no surprise that rumors are flying concerning both parties consulting divorce lawyers.With divorce rumblings comes financial talk.  Several lawyers were asked to comment on what Jason is likely to gain from the split.  Now, I ain’t one to gossip, but I heard that Bethenny pushed Jason to sign a pre-nup and a revised post-nuptial agreement.  Trust, her assets are protected.  Based on her upbringing and past behavior, I contend that Bethenny would not jeopardize her fortune or her daughter’s future for any man.  Along with the rest of you, I’ve been predicting the demise of this showmance for sometime.  During a recent episode, a morsel of information slipped out that only served to cement my hunch about their impending split.  Bethenny stated that Jason goes to church every Sunday.  Specifically, she said “Jason goes,” the inference being that she stays home and he goes without her.  That struck me as a profound proof of the distance between these two.  Consider how much bullshit Jason endures for Bethenny.  How many events must he attend where she is the “star,” and he is the purse-holding husband pushed off the step-and-repeat so the paps can get a clean shot of the money maker?  She can’t spend one hour in church with the man?  Look, I’m no Bible beater, but church might actually do Bethenny some good.  Even if it didn’t, it would show a willingness to support Jason and do something as a family that isn’t 100% focused on Bethenny.  The trouble with the current version of Bethenny is that everything in her life and the lives of her hired sycophants is Bethenny-centric.  Why do you think Julie left?  And let’s not even get into all the unnecessary conflict Frankel caused with Jason’s salt-of-the-Earth parents…And as for the infidelity rumors with Matt Hesse?  The two clearly have chemistry, and Bethenny eyes him with a particular undeniable gleam during their on-air interactions.  He knows she wants him and he’ll milk her sexual attraction to maximize his professional and financial future.  He’s a self-proclaimed modelizer.  Obviously fucking Bethenny is a resume builder, not a dick stiffener.  Let her taste a bit of her own overly acidic Skinnygirl medicine with this handsome opportunist.  As this plays out, I predict the following:  1) First, the couple will offer a wave of denials until a confidential agreement is locked down tight; 2) Jason will NOT end up with anything close to half of Bethenny’s fortune, but she will overpay on the pre-nup/post-nup to preserve and protect her privacy and misdoings;  3) She will hold off announcing the split until after she finds out if her 6 week trial run talk show gets picked up for a full season (it won’t).

4 for Friday

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Jessica Simpson had a big ass 9+ lbs baby girl aptly named Maxwell this week.  I think it is safe to say we all feel some collective relief knowing that intense gestation has come to a close.  These last few weeks looking at her behemoth belly has made me truly uncomfortable.  Think she will be able to meet her contractual obligations to Weight Watchers with a newborn baby?  Knowing what we do about Jessica, I wonder whether she’ll survive the early days of motherhood without substantial aid from her mom Tina.

Bethenny and Jason are completely screwed right?  If they are fighting this much on camera, what is happening off screen?  Just tell him to fuck off Bethenny.  You got your baby and more dough than you can spend.  Cut the dead weight and get a cabana boy.  Did you hear the rumor she hooked up with The Situation?  GROSS.Edvard Munch’s The Scream sold to an anonymous buyer for a record-breaking $120 million this week.  Is “anonymous buyer” code for Saudi Royal?Linda Evangelista was back in court this week seeking child support from billionaire baby daddy Francois-Henri Pinault.  Doesn’t he know she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day?  He’s getting a bargain rate at $46,000 a month.  

Bethenny’s House Warming Party

Bethenny Ever After returned last night.  After a few seasons of a spin-off focused on Bethenny’s claw to the top, this season courts our collective envy and resentment by showcasing the expenditure of her new obscene wealth.  A couple of interesting points worth mentioning before we get to Frankel’s new apartment: 1) Bethenny made Jason sign a pre-nup; and 2) He’s still butthurt about it.  As for the dirty details on the family’s new condo, The NY Post reports Bethenny purchased a unit located on the 5th floor at 195 Hudson St. in Tribeca.  The 3,600 square foot, four bedroom joint located in the “baller building” (her words, not mine), was rumored to cost just shy of $5 million.  Did she overpay?  The same unit was sold in oh-five for $3.265 million and again in oh-seven for $3.725 million.  In August of 2011, Bethenny paid $4.995 or $388 more per square foot than the previous owner.  That said, smaller neighboring condo 5A just sold for $5.125 million, so maybe she got a bargain after all?


Bethenny Ever After: Bethenny’s Perfect Life?

The long-awaited finale of Bethenny Ever After aired this week, long-awaited because we all couldn’t wait for this extra boring show to end.  The bulk of the lazy-ass season finale was cobbled together from moments of Bethenny’s speaking tour.Bethenny spewed clichéd self-help advice repackaged Skinnygirl-style as the secret of her success.  Let’s be honest.  Bethenny’s success stems from her willingness to offer up her most sacred relationships, private decisions, and deepest losses to Bravo for commoditization.  Personal exploitation has been the ladder upon which she climbed to the top, and it has been a lucrative ascent.Grandparents, Carol and Bob joined the tour for a night in Philadelphia.  Neither understands Bethenny’s appeal, but both gave her warm congratulations after the show.  Grandma Hoppy accidentally stumbled into some funny when she said, “There was only a cock here and there…”

Bethenny got the adrenaline shits before her Wilmington show and ran around the theater trying to empty her bowels moments before she was due on stage.  She then danced her way down the aisle of the theater late-nineties Oprah-style.

All this filler delayed the only attention-worthy moment of the season – the sale of Skinnygirl.  During her weekly sesh with Amador, Bethenny claimed to care less about the money now that she has her little family.  She also conceded that since her own success now eclipsed her deceased father’s, “It makes me happy to stuff it to him.”While the specifics of the deal were not discussed on camera, when the email came, Jason said “You are going to be a very rich woman.”  So I guess we can surmise that $120 million figure might be in the realm of truth.Now here’s what I want to know.

Is $120 million her cut, or is she divvying that up with Skinnygirl Canada?

Will she have Jason sign a post-nup or amend the pre-nup if one exists?

As contemplated last week, does this make her the richest Housewife?

Bethenny sobbed tears of joy at her unbelievable good fortune, and Jason could barely contain his glee at the luck of landing his own little jackpot.Jason returned later with their wedding album and the two oohed and aahhed over every page.  Rejoice, everything is sublime in Hoppytown.So you guys heard this got renewed for another season, right?  They better start looking for a new angle because who really wants to watch “Bethenny’s Perfect Life?”

Bethenny Ever After: Malibootie

In an effort to test market a possible booty-thickening addition to her shapewear line, Bethenny spent the first several minutes of this week’s episode flaunting her artificially-enhanced ass in everyone’s face.  First Julie, then Ethan, and finally Jason got a face full of butt pad everywhere they turned.When Jason admired her new asset, Bethenny first credited the skating, but when Jason pressed to bang the booty, she had to fess up to her new accessory to his epic disappointment.

The Hoppy family + staff hit up the Christmas tree farm where Bethenny provided a Santa hat to tree farmer Don and forced him to double as an impromptu St. Nick.  She thrust Bryn into the man’s arms, insisted on taking pictures, and cooed as the baby tugged on Don’s beard.  Explain the parental blind spot that prevents otherwise reasonable folks from understanding that it is not appropriate to impose their children on others.After balking at the big city prices, Jason flailed about with the saw, sending Bethenny’s motherly protectiveness into overdrive.  Dawa selected a tree, and while the crew packed it up, Don offered Bethenny and Jason a ride on the back of his pick-up truck.  The ride was rough, but unfortunately not rough enough to knock either of them off the back.Bethenny planned what she thought would be a hilarious ugly Christmas sweater party, and maybe it would have been funny ten years ago when this idea first made the rounds.  Ugly Christmas sweater parties are so over. (Shoutout Portlandia)

Food God Nick submitted his first food blog, and Bethenny and Julie creamed themselves over his sesquipedalian and grandiloquent writing style (two can play at that game Nick).  After finishing an oral recitation of the multi-page account, Bethenny immediately got Nick on the phone, offered him a job with the Skinnygirl website, and asked him to a fancy dinner at Mr. Chow.Nick borrowed a sports coat from his Dad and wore a wrinkly, dingy button-up with no undershirt.  This kid is crying out for a makeover.  Nick, write me, I’ll help you, seriously.The producers obviously put Nick up to asking Bethenny’s advice on his love life.  His girlfriend just left him because he’s an admitted stage five clinger.  Bethenny recommended internet dating like it was some sort of novel concept.  Trust, those resembling Nick have had a lot of interesting experiences with the internet.  Bethenny dished clichéd advice between bites, and Nick politely thanked her for stating the obvious.  An insightful guy, Food God Nick must be using her for fame, because there is no way he doesn’t see her for the insipid, self-important twat she is.

Bethenny Ever After: $120 Million Dollar Baby?

Bethenny and Jason needed a new nanny since Gina left to convalesce after her surgery.  Their top choice is a woman named Dawa.  Born in India and of Tibetan descent, Dawa must be genetically calm or some such racist shit according to her new employers.After butchering her four letter name repeatedly, Bethenny and Jason gave Dawa the grand tour of the nursery and pantry.  Bethenny in particular put on a high-drama neurotic show for the cameras.  No wonder ratings are way down this season.  Truthfully, this mundane shit is dreadfully dull.Dawa informed Bethenny that she doubles as a hair dresser, so Bethenny got a blowout from the new two-for nanny.  Not sure how long ago Dawa werked weaves in India but her technique and finish on the blowout left much room for improvement.  Stick to burping babes Dawa.Over dinner, Jason told Bethenny that sales of Skinnygirl expanded from 13 states to 40.  She contemplated the future sale of Skinnygirl and revealed that several companies that had previously turned her down were now begging to buy her out.  No doubt a satisfying moment for Bethenny, but it is disappointing to think the same people that doubted her are now financially profiting from her idea.Speaking of sell outs, a few episodes back we discussed the sale of Skinnygirl to Beam, and at the time the sale price was undisclosed.  Recently, several outlets from the Wall Street Journal to Wendy Williams reported Bethenny sold Skinnygirl for $120 million.  Does that officially make her the richest Housewife?  (Bitch please, spin-off or not she’ll always be a Housewife.)  The timing of the sale makes sense because Bethenny officially peaked awhile ago, even if she continues to fight against her inevitable decline.Despite her public bitch fight with Johnny Weir (Team Johnny!), Bethenny made it all the way to The Skating with the Stars finale show by riding a wave of drunken Skinnygirl fan support.  To properly prepare, Bethenny rented a beachfront house in Malibu and invited Ethan over for a Mexican fiesta and tabletop dance.Bethenny keeps hinting that a move to California is around the corner.  Can we look forward to a new cast member on The Real Housewives of Beverly HillsBethenny and Kyle go way back, so the notion isn’t that far afield.  Plant the seed ya’ll.