This week’s Bethenny Ever After reminded us just how offensive folks can be while hiding behind a shield of overprotective parenting philosophies. Gina brought the Hoppy Family outside the ivory towers of TriBeCa to Brooklyn to enjoy the Yoruba–Orisha Baptist Church. Those of you who paid attention in undergrad may remember Yoruba as a religion geographically rooted in Nigeria and Benin, that traveled with the people, and subsequently flourished in parts of the Caribbean and South America. The flavor of this particular church blends Christian Baptist and Yoruba traditions.
Bethenny and Jason marveled at the congregants like they were a tribe of primitive aboriginals. The two commented on their “exotic” dress and head-wear as Bravo layered the cheapest canned “island beats” they could afford into the background.
Even though every single other woman in the room had their head covered, Bethenny didn’t seem to take the hint that she needed to cover her hair as a sign of respect, so one of the women helped her out by offering a scarf. Despite the obvious religious significance, both Bethenny and Jason seemed to confuse the gesture of humility with a fashion statement and giggled like school kids about the aesthetic.
Instead of wondering about whether her Fredrick’s of Hollywood hand-me-down lingerie was supporting those billowy garments (sidebar: Who the fuck donates skanky used lingerie to a baptist church?), it should have occurred to Bethenny to cover her legs, or better yet, her crotch when visiting a place of worship. The concept of modesty as a gesture of reverence apparently never entered her mind.
The tour through Offensiville didn’t stop there. Jason thought it appropriate to crack several jokes about “The Spirit” entering Bryn, and generally mocked the traditions of the congregation, all while sitting front row in a church that took special effort to honor his family.
Based on the footage shown, it is pretty difficult to ascertain exactly how many conversations transpired between Gina and the Parents Hoppy prior to the event, but it is pretty obvious that there was a failure to manage expectations all around.
Clearly, the blessing was indeed a baptism. Specifically, the words “that she may be baptized with water received into Christ’s Holy Church” were uttered, and admittedly it doesn’t get much more baptismal than that.
Jason just kept repeating, “it’ll be over in a minute.” Pastor Wilkinson cradled Bryn and dabbed water on her forehead as the congregation sang and clapped. Bethenny completely lost her shit and told Gina she wasn’t comfortable with all these black people touching her white baby. 
She started to maneuver around the group looking for an opening to snatch Bryn back. When she got her opportunity, she grabbed the baby and made a run for it – right down the aisle out the church doors onto the sidewalk.
Gina kept assuring the couple, against the weight of the evidence, that it wasn’t a baptism. Jason’s panties were especially knotted over the fact that his parents missed the impromptu saving. Always with the parents Jason – seriously, enough with the parents already.
Back at home, Bethenny and Jason reinforced each other’s bad behavior and justified their over-reaction by chalking it up to primal parenting instincts. Weirder yet, the experience convinced Bethenny that she wanted Bryn baptized Catholic – because the church has such a sterling history with children?
Since fame has replaced her non-paid friends, Bethenny asked Julie to be Bryn’s Godmother. Julie seemed genuinely touched, and she does heart Bryn.
On the day of the christening, Father Daly kept calling Bethenny “Brittany,” and limply phoned-in what was likely his fortieth baby bath of the year. Of the two ceremonies, who wouldn’t prefer Gina’s jubilation and song over Father Daly’s anointing oil and an evil-nature-of-man ethos?
Team Gina!
This week Bethenny snatched Bryn for a morning corner store run while Gina caught up on her beauty rest. Since Bryn sleeps through the night, Bethenny contemplates why Gina’s still residing in the nursery.
Bethenny and Jason did some market research on Skinnygirl Margarita by hitting their local liquor store. After discussing the supply issues with the owner, the two took a step out front where Bethenny again pressured Jason to sort out the problems with her business. 
Bethenny wants heads to roll, but she doesn’t want to pick up the axe. She’s exhausting with her all-bark-no-bite personality. Nut up or shut up. (Sidenote: predictions of 1 million cases sold in 2011? Folks are buying?)
Food God Nick delivered rosemary focaccia baglunch from an underground sandwich shop and he and Bethenny discussed the best food carts. Bethenny offered to give Nick a blog within her website, and the two spent several minutes bandying about ideas.
Then out came Bryn, and Nick looked at her very sincerely and said, “very nice to meet you.” This kid is too much. Episode highlight.
In therapy Bethenny discussed bringing Jason into the business. This bitch doesn’t know what she wants. Out the gate, she states clearly, “I need a chief under me.” Dr. Amador then asked whether Jason would be working for Bethenny or with her. Without missing a beat she said, “with me.” Which is it Bethenny? Is he under you or beside you?
Then it kinda seemed like Dr. Amador was trying to drop B off his therapeutic nutsack, but she wasn’t having it. She just kept repeating, “You cannot break up with me.” Awkward.
For Gina’s birthday, Bethenny took her to the day spa for a little mani/pedi. Gina seemed more interested in whether they “waxed vaginas.” While their feet got werked, Gina explained the source of her bitterness. She accuses her husband of removing her name from a deed to property she purchased in Trinidad. Don’t worry too much about Gina. She’ll break out some island justice on his azz.
Bethenny finally decided to confront the minimally helpful assistant Max. Rather than dealing with the issue weeks ago, Bethenny’s been stewing on her dissatisfaction with his job performance. As she lectured him about professionalism and appropriateness, it never fully crystallized whether she was firing or just warning him.
This show should be renamed Bethenny Bungles Her Business because she kinda sucks at managing things at Skinnygirl headquarters. Bad hiring decisions, unclear communication, abdication of responsibility, failure to set limits – bossy-biz Bethenny is a hot-ass ineffectual mess. (Legal disclaimer: all opinions here). 
Food God Nick and Bethenny met up for a food crawl. She seemed outraged by the news that he didn’t eat red meat, and this confession slowed the momentum of the entire adventure. After, the two met up with Jason and Bryn and got faded on spiked smoothies.
Wrapping up this week, Bethenny bestowed Gina with a red velvet birthday cake. Gina seized the moment to inform Bethenny that she’s planning to stay on until May. Well played Gina. Well played.
Without question the single most interesting person on this week’s Bethenny Ever After was Food God Nick. Returning from a Fatwitch mission, Nick bumped into Jason and Bethenny at POP Burger. Last season Nick interviewed to work as Bethenny’s assistant. Even though he was an utter delight, she gave the job to the twinkly-eyed, smooth-talking lothario Max. Since Max failed to follow up good interview with great assisting, Bethenny’s now regretting the decision — a lament only compounded and refreshed by continuous run-ins with Nick at the best foodie hangouts in NYC.
I hope these occasional cameos get Food God Nick laid. All ya’ll in NYC, this is a mercy fuck if I ever saw one. Take one for the team.
The next day, Bethenny and Jason bickered over (yup, you guessed it!) visiting his parents the following weekend. As you know, Jason wants his parents there more often than not; Bethenny prefers a once a month or less rotation.
Anyone catch this underhanded dick maneuver from Jason: “You need to talk to your man, whoever you talk to, your therapist or whoever it is, you need to like put that on the list, you need to get over this because I’m not wrong.” Hey Jason, have you considered looking into therapy to sort out your weird mommy issues?
Bethenny finally gave Julie a much-deserved raise and promotion, and in a well-timed coincidence, The Rachel Ray Show offered to makeover Julie. Bethenny left a puddle on her seat working herself up into an embarrassing flirt frenzy with a marginally handsome segment producer. 
Over-worked and underfucked must be the theme of the Frankel household because Gina tried her wiles on John, an unsuspecting sound guy. Thank heavens Julie arrived to break up the awkwardness, and as an added bonus she seemed genuinely surprised.
Bethenny took Jason’s words to heart: later in therapy she opened up to Dr. Amador about the in-law issue. After stating the obvious, that everyone handles their families differently, Doc challenged Bethenny’s thinking on the issue. Then he clearly and unequivocally advised her not to discuss it with Jason.
So later on she couldn’t help but discuss the issue with Jason after they cheesed it up with some embarrassing role playing at A60. The two hit a frustrated discussion impasse. Jason insists his way is normal, and Bethenny doesn’t want to go through life feeling like a freak. Even though in the end they hugged it out, this argument is hardly over. It’s just going to keep popping back up, every three weeks, until something major changes.
We caught up with Jason and Bethenny contemplating baby number two in the face of B’s big 4-0. After day-dreaming about the “baby stage,” Bethenny snapped back to business by complaining to Jason that Skinnygirl production can’t keep up with demand.
Bethenny asked Jason to look into the delays, but he seemed concerned about commingling family and business any further. At least he tells it to her straight, like when he said there are “going to be times when I’m like, enough Bethenny today.” You tell her Jason – and Bethenny, if you are the mogul you claim, nut-up and solve your own damn booze production issues.
It wouldn’t be a real reunion with Frankel without the obligatory boob show. B and her hanger-on Lauren hit Linda’s for some new over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders. According to Linda, Bethenny’s a 30G or 32FF! Bethenny made sure we all know she got her 22 inch waist back after giving birth by standing around and flaunting her milkshake while bitching about visiting Jason’s parents.
Apparently, Jason sees his parents every two weeks and Bethenny sees them every three weeks! Holy-fucking-in-laws-dude, that’s some serious visitation. Is this what people are doing? Brassiere-whisperer Linda says once a month is appropriate, and even that sounds a little too frequent. Jason’s parents spend two nights at Bethenny and Jason’s every month which would absolutely lead me to suicide. So now we know why Jason was 39 and unmarried: he’s a major mama’s boy. Did Bethenny know what she was signing up for?
After a drawn out trip out to Jason’s hometown in Hazelton, Pennsylvania, the three arrived to an enthusiastic welcome from doting grandparents, Carol and Bob.
That afternoon, Jason took Bethenny to the local hot dog haunt where a “fan” came over to Bethenny and gushed. Something about the whole exchange felt unnatural and Bravo-constructed.
As tension built through the afternoon, it served as the amuse-bouche to the main course of conflict which rolled out before the appetizers even hit the table. Previously, Jason and Bethenny discussed moving to California. Jason really wants another baby, but is reluctant to move. Bethenny really wants to explore her opportunities in Los Angeles and is willing to try for another baby in exchange for a cross-country relocation. This type of baby-bargaining is always ill-advised, but even worse is busting out with the whole scheme to your parents before thoroughly discussing it with your spouse. Cue Jason and his total lack of filter.
Jason sums it up by saying, “She’ll give me a second child if we move to California.” And this was Carol’s response.
Carol and Bob immediately began to panic that Bryn would “forget them.” Jason has spent his whole life trying to make it up to his parents that his brother died. He even admits that he tries to be the perfect son. He can’t bring himself to disappoint them, even for his wife.
Both Bethenny and Jason spilled their tea (copyright MWY) all over the table by spiraling into a full-on argument in front of the world’s sweetest and most suffocating grandparents. Bethenny complained that Jason never lets them experience anything as a nuclear family, like when Bryn reaches a milestone, he’s immediately on the phone with his parents.
The next day, the visitation issue resurfaced. After Bob passive-aggressively whined about looking forward to the days when Bryn can stay the whole summer(!) and Carol rebounded by asking what they’d all be doing for Thanksgiving (after a fun family Halloween of course), Bethenny finally lost her shit. “We have to do some things on our own as our own little family too…we love coming here, but I want it to be that I like coming here, and I like when you come to us, not that it becomes something we have to do. That’s the total honest truth.”
Later, Bethenny and Jason hit the local dive bar for some $2.50 u-call-it-wells. At first Bethenny was a little snobby (think Reese Witherspoon’s turn in the small town bar in Sweet Home Alabama), but after a few cocktails Jason’s local buddies began to win her over with their folksy charm. By the end of the night, through a vodka-haze, bitch shed a big city tear over some “roots” talk from stool-warmer Smitty.
If this hometown visit proved nothing else, it is that these two really don’t know each other at all. In Bethenny’s own words, the couple is “drastically different.” No shit. These two met, married, and reproduced in less than 18 months, and most of it was filmed for TV. Now they are surprised that in that time they haven’t uncovered one another’s true selves? As if starring on a reality show lends itself to authenticity? Maybe that’s why B’s still in therapy. 
Bravo wrung every last drop out of this season of the RHNY, finally putting it to rest by airing unseen clips repackaged as “lost footage.”
Sonja accompanied Ramona to get her sweat glands eradicated by ultrasound. Note the Tru Renewal in the waiting room, even Dr. Giese is on the payroll. 
Sonja turned gray as Dr. Giese jabbed a metal rod in and out of Ramona’s armpit. Sonja compared the scene to a veal chop, and Ramona replied that she was getting hungry. The staff brought Sonja a juice box to help her through the trauma of witnessing the gruesome procedure. 
The nausea continued to build as we followed Jill and Bobby into Chopard. Jill fixated on a rose gold 1.79 diamond carat watch (conservatively $25-30,000.00) whining like Veruca Salt that “she waaaanted it!” Hoping to extend her good fortune, she requested the salesmen bring over a necklace too! When the salivating salesmen brought over a 10 carat flawless diamond ring priced at $3.7 million, Bobby started to turn as gray as Sonja did during Ramona’s surgery. Jill declared she always gets screwed because her birthday, the holidays, and their anniversary come one after another and she gets “combined gifts.” Yeah, combined gifts worth over $30,000!
Sonja apparently got her liposuction, and Kelly stopped by to see her in her post-operative convalescence. Kelly brought Sonja a “cleanse” to inspire her to take better (non-surgical) care of herself. Kelly then got all sanctimonious and said, “I want you to tell your daughter that you were too lazy to work out and got liposuction.” Preach Kelly! P.S. if you want to see some sloppy-ass editing watch this scene again, the cleanse is on the bed in a shot before Kelly gives it to Sonja. This shit is totally The Hills, cougar-style.
Kelly and Ramona worked out together in St. John. Kelly kept the elliptical on level three as she talked Ramona’s ear off. Ramona ignored her while she tried to concentrate on her five lbs shoulder presses. Kelly, a genetic freak at six feet tall, has no idea of what it takes to maintain a real woman’s body. Nice forearm plank Ramona, werk!
Sonja, Jen, Alex, and Simon gathered in Times Square for the reveal of Bethenny’s I’d Rather Go Naked campaign. Whatever. PETA is so super fucking hypocritical I can’t even get started, but that’s a discush for another day. 
Bethenny annoyingly mugged for the cameras as Sonja confessed her jealousy by admitting she wished she was up there. Sonja’s honesty is so unusual and refreshing, no?
Most of the girls showed for Ramona’s birthday party at the Chat Noir. Kelly and Jill took it upon themselves to rearrange the place cards. Ramona lost her shit because it was a rude and presumptuous move. That said, can we just sit where we want to sit please? Enough with the control-freak seating chart shit – it’s so antiquated.
We wrapped at the Reunion where we learned the Countess has a record deal, Kelly’s working on some top-secret shit, Jill got a hobby – a bedding line, Sonja’s returning to her relaxed lifestyle, Silex is working a summer book tour, Ramona’s enjoying her renewal, and Bethenny declared now it’s all about Bryn and Jason. I think this is the last time we will see this incarnation of the ladies together. Adieu materialistic shrews, we will miss you. 
Bethenny was invited to walk in the annual Heart Truth Red Dress Fashion Show to raise awareness for heart disease. This event resulted in major red lipstick/red dress overkill. Red dress, nude lip please. 
In general, Bethenny does look good in red; however, a belly cradle is not a runway walk. Just walk bitch, save the cutesy shit for your lame Learning Annex lectures. 
Afterward, she went shamelessly trolling for compliments from Jason before turning into a four year old when he inevitably told her she did great. What does Jason know about runway anyway? He tucks his button-downs into his jeans.
Upholding her Skinny Girl values, Bethenny ate cake and icing for breakfast as she and Jason discussed adding an addition to Team Bethenny in the way of a new assistant. We also got to see their new apartment in Tribeca which has a connecting office for Bethenny’s biznass. 
Bethenny interviewed several candidates for the position, including an intellectual food-writer and a few gays, before settling on hot, straight, Jewish Max. Cookie basically made the decision by curling up at Max’s feet instead of attacking him like she did every other candidate. If Bethenny fails to discipline Bryn like Cookie, that kid is screwed.
At Megu, Bethenny and Jason put down half the animal kingdom while discussing their impending nuptials. They agreed to a relatively small wedding (40 guests each), but Jason was hesitant and emphasized that his friends and family’s presence was important to him. Then the two argued over whether Jason could watch the watermelon shoot out the cannon. Jason wanted to see the baby born and Bethenny wanted to keep her cooch concealed; neither anticipated her guts would be laid out on a table during an emergency C-section.
Bethenny confessed that she was planning on seeing a therapist to help her cope with her father’s death and all the changes in her life. Then Jason declared, “I think if you’re a couple and you need to go to counseling, it’s over.” This relationship is so fucked, seriously. It really doesn’t appear that these two agree on anything. Before you know it, Bethenny will be doing a reality show as a New York single career mom à la Kelly Cutrone. 
Cut to Bethenny arriving at Dr. Amador’s office, camera crew in tow, to reveal her deepest feelings about the loss of her family, her relationship, and pregnancy. Bethenny admitted that Jason wants people around all the time and she doesn’t. Dr. Amador inquired as to Bethenny’s parents, and she disclosed that she more or less has been out of touch with her parents since she was fifteen and never really had a relationship with her dad. She confessed that even on his deathbed, her father failed to acknowledge her in a way she desperately needed him to for closure. Dr. Amador concluded, “If I had the experience you described I’d be terrified of relationships.” 
Max showed up for his first day of work, and Jason came in to beat his chest and mark his turf. After giving Max a little grief, the two bonded and ended up fist bumping much to Bethenny’s chagrin. Would you hang a picture of your bare ass in your office? Just asking.
Jason reminded Bethenny he was leaving for Florida the next day and she panicked over the housewarming party. Jason’s life-long friend was coming into town, and Bethenny didn’t want him and his girlfriend to stay at their apartment. Bethenny, as a New Yorker, have you not realized that house guests are a part of urban living? She totally over-reacted and unleashed her pregnant pit-bull attack on Jason in the kitchen. They argued over the issue all the way to the jeweler to select their wedding bands before they agreed to shelve the argument during the shopping. 
Since Bethenny explicitly mentioned the name of the jeweler, the rings were probably free or deeply discounted. Therefore, Bethenny’s statements about paying off the rings were totally disingenuous. Me no likey that fake ass shit.
Bethenny prepped for the gathering and complained about having to meet the expectations of guests attending a chef’s party. While she and her gay Chuck hassled Max over his metrosexuality, Bethenny received a call from Jason as the camera panned to ominous snowy weather.
Jason dropped the news that he was not going to make it in time for the party, and this threw Bethenny into full on hysteria. You already have a fucking camera crew living at your house Bethenny, what are a few more friends? Woman up, get over it, put on a smile, and host the shit out of the party. 
Bethenny’s discomfort manifested itself as mania, and she prattled a little too loud and fast to all the guests as they arrived. 
In another sign this relationship is doomed, Riccio, Jason’s best man, clearly hated Bethenny as she interrupted and dismissed him to talk about herself. Bethenny complains that fame went to Jill’s head, but it is moments like these where Bethenny proves just how self-important and unlikable she’s become. 
Alex and Simon brought a housewarming orchid (nice touch), and Alex offered to throw Bethenny a wedding/baby shower. 
Jason called to apologize to the group for missing the party. Bethenny admitted all the drama was in her head, but his friends looked truly uncomfortable that they had been left alone with the megalomaniacal reality star.
The first two segments of the reunion rehashed old boring battles; the meat of the matter came down to Jill and Bethenny. The tension started to build after Bethenny’s film montage when Andy turned his attention to the expectant Mrs. Hoppy to discuss all the big changes in her life. Jill trampled over Bethenny’s time, adding her unwelcomed yenta commentary where it didn’t belong. Bethenny tried to politely ignore the intrusion as Jill interrogated her about her pregnancy gain, commented on her boobs, and declared America would hate her for losing her baby weight so fast. 
Bethenny got some shit for taking her pregnancy test on camera. She justified her conduct by saying the audience would feel cheated if she didn’t show it. Bethenny, rest assured, no one wants to watch you pee on a stick. Fame has clearly has gone to this bitch’s head.
Jill’s film montage came next, and clip after clip of her bad behavior had her in tears before Andy had a chance to fling any questions her way. She admitted she didn’t like who she was this season (you and me both Jill). After first rationalizing her behavior over the season, she ultimately apologized and expressed regret. She summed up by professing her love for Bethenny and stated her hope for a future friendship.
Bethenny turned and told Jill she was going to tell her straight, never a good sign coming from a Scorpio. Bethenny began a long tabulation of Jill’s character flaws including accusations that: fame had gone to her head, she wanted everything to be about her, she resented all the good things that were happening to Bethenny, she lorded it over Bethenny that she got her on the show, and she keeps track of gifts. It was truly an exhausting litany. 
The real humdinger was when Bethenny busted out some solid gold gossip with the accusation that Jill told Ramona and Alex not to film with her in an attempt to “sabotage her show.” Alex reinforced the notion by adding that it seemed like Jill tried to cut Bethenny out of Housewives. Bethenny jumped in and said that Jill only tried to mend their relationship when her plan went south. 
The conversation hit a brick wall when Bethenny said that Jason doesn’t like Jill, and she’s not willing to restructure her life to find a place for Jill in it. Jill said she missed Bethenny and walked off the stage… 
In the single most insightful statement of her life, Kelly closed it out by saying “the obsession with fame is embarrassing.”
This week on the season finale, Jill and Bethenny finally sat down for their long-awaited confrontation at Le Cirque. Jill nervously prattled on doing her usual yenta small talk shtick before she eventually got down to it.
She weakly apologized for not being ready to accept Bethenny’s apology at Ramona’s (which is basically a bullshit non-apology). Bethenny found the small talk more unnerving than confrontation, so she dove in and labeled Jill disloyal and the disintegration of the relationship equivalent to divorce.
Neither of the two wanted to dredge up the past, but unless they level with each other the relationship can’t move on. Jill can throw as many potato latkes at the situation as she wants, but Bethenny doesn’t give a fuck. Scorpios never let things go.
Bethenny, a cold-hearted bitch to the core, didn’t even soften in the face of Jill’s prostrate humility. Mostly because Bethenny believed that Jill’s motives were more self-serving than sincerely contrite.
At La Pomme, the Cuntess busted out her glitter pants for the big debut of her new single Money Can’t Buy You Class.
We finally got to meet LuAnn’s new boyfriend, the French Fonze. The Cuntess bubbled with mid-life puppy love for her new beau as she proudly introduced him around the crowd.
As for the performance, it sounded like the Cuntess sang over a vocal track, and for a second I thought I had accidentally switched to RuPaul’s Drag Race.
We met up with Bethenny and Jason moving out of her UES apartment in favor of larger Soho cohabited square footage. This segment proved that Bethenny’s been holding out all season. Should we resent the fact that she’s obviously saved all the good stuff for her spin off?
Jill surprised Ramona to congratulate her and provide the requisite pre-ceremony fawning. Jill said something worth emphasizing.
Despite vow renewal fatigue, Ramona and Mario moved the crowd to tears with words of their devotion. Avery was skeptical about her Mom’s intentions for this vow renewal, but Ramona managed to wring some sincere sentiment from the event.
Waterworks aside, a woman in her fifties prancing down a staircase in a feathered white wedding gown is a definite dignity issue. Do I even need to comment on the fucking dog?
The matrimonial outpouring of emotion triggered a chain reaction at the reception, and one by one the ladies coupled up to reconcile their differences.
Kelly and Ramona bonded over a book of St. John photos Kelly put together. Nice gesture Kelly, way to wrap things up on a good note.
Bethenny pulled Ramona and Alex aside and spewed a bunch of emotional back-handed compliments about how surprised she was they were here for her this year. Ramona summed it up when she said, “Now you know, you can trust us,” before the three hugged it out.
Congratulations to Bethenny and Jason on the arrival of their daughter. In typical RHNY fashion, Jill Zarin actually announced the news that the baby was a boy on her Facebook. Even when she’s out of the loop, she refuses to stay out of the loop! Bethenny got the last laugh, turns out Jill was wrong!