Tag Archives: Jean Paul Gaultier

September 2013 Horoscopes

Virgo

VIRGO BURBERRY TRENCH

Happy Birthday Virgo!  All frothy over a new project, the workhorse in you can’t wait to gallop ahead.  Rein in your enthusiastic stallion Virgo, there are a few pesky details you can’t just swat away.  Without proper planning, organization, and forethought, your big idea could get majorly deflated by embarrassing messiness.  Confusion plagues relationships this month, so now isn’t the time to commit.  Mistakes and miscommunication muddy an already tense situation.  A planetary shift around the 20th should bring clarity on a big decision, relationship, or domestic matter.  Usually so thrifty, this autumn invest in a few well-made pieces that make you feel so unbelievably amazing and lux that it justifies the pricetag.

 Libra

PIERRE HARDY LIBRA

Now is the time for intuitive daydreaming, preparation, and planning.  Think broadly and freely about what you want and where you want to go.  Others may try to inject their opinions into what is best, but sweep all that chatter up into a dustpan and pitch it.  Let the guidance come from within.  Professionally, now is the time to listen – to advice and even gossip.  It will come in handy when those rumors of professional opportunity and advancement crystallize into reality.  Inject colorful accessories into your stable of reliable wardrobe classics to reinvent yourself without spending a fortune.

Scorpio

SCORPIO 3.1 PHILLIP LIM

September finally frees Scorpios from an annoying retrograde that’s been creating lag since April.  Get out and make new friends, contacts, and professional connections.  With Mars at your back you’ll have all the energetic momentum to make things happen.  September is a wonderful time to fall in love.  Enjoy a courtship.  Attached Scorpios arrange the groundwork for a lasting lifelong commitment this September.  Insecure Scorpios fetter their obvious sex appeal for the comfort of others.  Insecurity isn’t hot for fall.  You heard it here first.  Bust out the wine-red lip and let the cards fall where they may.  Own the undeniable power of your own beauty and sexuality.

Sagittarius

SAG CHANEL

You’ve been dodging some sinister relationship undercurrents that have been eating away at the foundation of your relationship one drip at a time like a leaky pipe.  Well this September, the proverbial floor is about to fall out, and you will be ill-prepared to receive the bitchslap of bad news coming your way vis-a-vis your frustrated partner.  If it’s over, it’s over.   Optimistically speaking, a fun little rendezvous weekend getaway midmonth could be really cute.  Working Sags see a career flutter the first week of the month.  More money and a better title are not off the table.  Sags tend to choose the same silhouette and then attempt to trick the eye by introducing variations in color and pattern.  It isn’t a bad fashion strategy overall, but you can do better.  Consider whether your own rather fixed misconceptions about your body cause you to pick the same outfit over and over.

Capricorn

CAP TREACYSeptember evokes back-to-school nostalgia that gets Caps thirsty for knowledge and learning.  It may mean a trip geared towards exploration and discovery or it may take any number of shapes.  The aim is to broaden, widen, and deepen your understanding of yourself and others.  Financial demands continue through the end of September and into next month, so relax the extracurricular spending.  Two words to describe your closet: 1) utilitarian and 2) pragmatic.  There’s something to be said for military chic, but does everything have to have a cargo pocket?  Buy a raspberry beret or something similarly flashy you would never wear and then wear the fuck out of it.

Aquarius

AQUARIUS FENDI

The first third of the month is a fantastic time for a getaway where there is a legitimate possibility for romance.  That financial divot you’ve been experiencing finally turns around and a number of buoying opportunities come your way which serves as a huge relief.  If Aquarius is in need of financing, September is the time.  Aquarius experiences energetic inertia this month.  If you don’t get the outcome you want, listen to the advice and guidance of others, and withhold judgment.  Your ability to see the big picture means you usually get it right when it comes to proportion and head-to-toe first impression.  Collect a few whimsical accessories to make the impression a lasting one.

 Pisces

PISCES GARETH PUGH

Love. Love. Love Pisces.  September is the month for romance, swooning, and uniting together in a common coalition. Whether single or attached, the planets are prepared to bestow you with blessings if you are ready to receive.  Look to the 7th and the 26th as optimal date days.  Come the 19th it’s all about Pisces as the stars align to shine all over you.  The professional pace will pick up as the month rolls on.  Your creative ideas are appreciated, but you must manage the day-to-day details with the same interest.  Turn that creativity towards solving problems, no matter how mundane.  Rolling with a new upgraded look has you feeling ultra-confident.  When you dress better, you feel better, and this new-found swagger only adds to your allure.

AriesARIES JEAN PAUL GAULTIER

The first week of September ushers in a new professional project that levies demands on you all month long.  Productivity won’t be a problem and a gush of energy comes into to carry you along.  That fire you are known for stokes all kinds of interesting interactions with people throughout the month.  Keep an easy-going attitude that leaves you open to last minute opportunities.  Aries’ inherent elegance means you usually look really well put-together, and your willingness to take risks means you turn heads.  Occasionally, your enthusiasm crosses over into costume, so know when to throttle back the flair.

Taurus

TAURUS LOEWE

Summer has never really been your favorite time of year.  Bulls prefer the order and crispness of fall.  A number of social invitations come your way and you have trouble saying no, and why should you?  The interludes you enjoy this month will be some of the most delicious ever.  Even though it all feels so sweet, Taurus learns quickly that some responsibilities can’t be shirked.  Best to stay ahead of assignments and obligations, which shouldn’t too difficult for you since you aren’t particularly prone to procrastination.  Stay off those final sale liquidation websites.  Not only are you potentially stuck with clothes that don’t fit, you aren’t getting the bargain you think you are.  Quality over quantity.

Gemini

Gemini deserves a week off if that is what you need to really close out the summer with a bang.  All summer long, the house has been a mess.  Time to make it more cozy and inviting as you return back inside.  Find practical solutions that last, rather than short-term patches that only serve to temporarily fix the problem.  The first full week of the month is the most favorable for romance, even if you can’t get away for a full week try to enjoy this weekend work-free.  Direct some of that energy into fun and love.  Geminis tend to morph into whomever they are around.  Look to your right.  Look to your left.  Are you the shit filling in a shit sandwich?

Cancer

CANCER BECKHAM BIRKINS

Financially things could be tight this month due to obligation and extracurricular spending that meets up in a way that drains your resources.  Sooner or later you’ll need to take control of your finances and the sooner the better.  Schedule a date on September 26th when your love light shines brightest.  It may sound crazy to tell you to get away if you can on a little trip this September, but be forewarned that serious domestic demands will prohibit much travel over the next several months.  When you shop, you do so in sprees.  You can just buy one and that can be enough.

Leo

LEO MADGE

September surges energy into your career sector Leo.  Thankfully, all that summer toil counts for something because others have noticed your commitment and you have impressed the right people.  Now you are in the power position to ask for what you want with regard to salary.  This should significantly lessen your fiscal worries.  Keep a casual attitude in meeting people this month, but always keep one eye on the prize.  You never know who you might encounter.  Leo is never one to shy away from flashy wardrobe moments, just remember flashy is just two little consonants away from trashy ya’ll.

Fall 2013 Couture: Jean Paul Gaultier

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artificial sweetener shame

I was giving a friend a ride up to a yoga conference last week (Shiva Rea by the way), and he climbs in my car at 6:20 in the morning and says “I’m surprised you drink that poison,” in regard to my Diet Coke sitting in the console.

First of all, it is 6:20 in the goddamn morning and way too early for food shaming, especially when I’m going out of my way to pick your ass up and drive you 100 miles.  Second of all, along with corn syrup, hydrogenated oil, and gluten, apparently a fatwa has officially been issued against aspartame.

For some time now, I’ve been taking heat for the diet soda.  Look, I know fake sugar is a deal with the devil.  There is no free lunch.  Studies. Cancer.  The information isn’t exactly a secret.But there is something particularly crackish about Diet Coke.  She’s got her hooks in me good.  I reduce, but like a bad affair, I just can’t completely quit my acidic, chemically liquid lover.  It’s not like it’s news to any of you that I’m deeply flawed.  This is just another daily example.Until the peer pressure and social stigma force me to quit that diet slut, all you kombucha and coconut water sipping bitches can relax with the side eye.  Enough with the food shaming sanctimony, because very few, if any of us, eat perfectly everyday.  Those rigid freaks who do make super boring dinner companions.  Though I am starting to know how a meat eater feels at a table full of vegetarians.  In certain circles, I need to cover my Diet Coke can with a brown paper bag and take it to the alley. 

 

 

lip service

Over the last few seasons we’ve witnessed a return to the statement lip.  Bypassing regular go-to red, many opted to experiment with bolder shades like bright matte pink.  By now you’ve seen gals give this trend a go with mixed results.  Perhaps you’ve noticed that the wrong shade of dense matte lipstick can age even a dewy 20 year old.The face of Fall 2012 offers a softer and more accessible lip.  Armani showed us a pucker one could kiss without needing a make-up removing wipe afterwards.  Is there anything less dignified than thumbing smears of lipstick off a victim’s face after a smooch?Karl cosigned a similar natural pout at Fall 2012 Chanel Couture.  Hi Lindsey Wixson.  That’s not to say the runways were free from dissent; Jean Paul Gaultier served us red and glossy with his immaculately tailored lady-pimp collection. 

Fall 2012 Couture: beads, buns, and butterflies

Couture cotton balls at Chanel. Limp dick beaded buns at Armani Privé.Tucked tidy as Blanche’s balls with a hairnet at Valentino.Who’s bold enough to work a veil outside of the altar?Buns served on a bed of fishnet bondage bank robberess at Jean Paul Gaultier.Super upscale lesbian chic at Chanel.A good distraction for a challenging face day by Giambattista Valli.Say bye with butterflies from the back.

GRAMMY 2012: whitney’s wake

The best of the night were all appropriately in black.  Rihanna plunged in the front and sloped low in the back in this major ArmaniGwyneth repped her inner-circle in Stella McCartney.  From the neck down Gwyneth looks amazing, but she’s looking a little inflamed in the face.  Bad bronzer or bad eight ball?  You decide.  Adele turned it out in Armani.  We sure as fuck knew she wouldn’t wear Chanel after Karl’s latest round of bad Grandpa fat comments.Not all the black was good; Julianne Hough wasted her crazy toned body in this unflattering and boring Kaufmanfranco.Bruno Mars gave a little ankle in this fashion-forward Thom Browne look.  Not everyone will get it, but I appreciate the effort. Saggy tits.  That’s the first thing that comes to mind when I see Katy Perry in this Elie Saab gown.  The sophomoric blue hair and the pastel Tinkerbell gown are enough to induce the heaves.  This girl cannot sing, she cannot dress, and therefore I have no use for her.  No use at all.  Good day Katy Perry.  I said good day.And the “desperately seeking attention” award goes to….miz Minaj.  She has talent, so why won’t she lead with it?  It’s Versace by the way.  The cape not the bishop. Let’s work our way through the “irrelevant in white” category.  Kathy Griffin wore Michael Kors rather well.  Why is it when she looks better she’s less funny?Kate Beckinsale usually shows up to these events in overblown ball gowns, so this Zuhair Murad is actually a surprisingly appropriate choice for her.  She still can’t ditch the pageant hair, but baby steps are still progress.  Paris Hilton wore a well-tailored Basil Soda.  I’m not on fire for the white and gold combo.  She looks better than usual, but a skosh overdressed.Robyn, L.A. doesn’t do the whole quirky Nordic thing.  Just ask Bjork.  This whole look is an unmitigated hell no. One of the few pops of color, Fergie in Jean Paul Gaultier; I can feel how much she desperately wants our approval, but I must withhold it.  Adam Levine doing his best Scott Disick.  Between Scott and Adam, who do you think gets called “douche” more often to his face?Taylor Swift is like the Nicole Kidman of the under-25 set.  This over-serious frock is a Zuhair Murad creation.

Couture Printemps 2012: sorbet framboise

Maria Kashleva serves Amy Winehouse (I-Dream-of-Jeannie-edition) in raspberry sorbet for Jean Paul Gaultier.

WANG GAMES: It’s not that gay

Anybody else catch the incredibly awkward, uncomfortable, and unintentional coming out party two guys had on Love Games: Bad Girls Need Love Too?  (Don’t judge me haughty bitches.)Mike and Chris played helicopter wangs and then locked themselves in the bathroom for a little “private time.”  Neither bothered to think up a good explanation for the co-bathtime behavior, so Chris panicked and blurted to the assembled group that he was taking a dump and Michael came in to take a shower.  The lame-ass cover did nothing to quell the suspicions of man-on-man fun. Michael neither confirmed nor denied, but his face gave away everything.  Chris looked nauseous as it dawned on him his parents and homophobic friends were going to definitely watch this.  His little Gaultier T-Shirt isn’t helping. Michael was eliminated because (surprise, surprise) none of the girls thought he was very into them (maybe because he was four inches into Chris’ asshole instead?).

 

SPRING 2012 RTW: Shoe Shine

Jean Paul GaultierCalvin Klein CollectionYves Saint LaurentAlexander McQueenVera WangCelineRodarteBurberry ProrsumChloeEmilio PucciGiambattista ValliRalph LaurenPradaVersace