I was giving a friend a ride up to a yoga conference last week (Shiva Rea by the way), and he climbs in my car at 6:20 in the morning and says “I’m surprised you drink that poison,” in regard to my Diet Coke sitting in the console.
First of all, it is 6:20 in the goddamn morning and way too early for food shaming, especially when I’m going out of my way to pick your ass up and drive you 100 miles. Second of all, along with corn syrup, hydrogenated oil, and gluten, apparently a fatwa has officially been issued against aspartame.
For some time now, I’ve been taking heat for the diet soda. Look, I know fake sugar is a deal with the devil. There is no free lunch. Studies. Cancer. The information isn’t exactly a secret.
But there is something particularly crackish about Diet Coke. She’s got her hooks in me good. I reduce, but like a bad affair, I just can’t completely quit my acidic, chemically liquid lover. It’s not like it’s news to any of you that I’m deeply flawed. This is just another daily example.
Until the peer pressure and social stigma force me to quit that diet slut, all you kombucha and coconut water sipping bitches can relax with the side eye. Enough with the food shaming sanctimony, because very few, if any of us, eat perfectly everyday. Those rigid freaks who do make super boring dinner companions. 
Though I am starting to know how a meat eater feels at a table full of vegetarians. In certain circles, I need to cover my Diet Coke can with a brown paper bag and take it to the alley. 
Over the last few seasons we’ve witnessed a return to the statement lip. Bypassing regular go-to red, many opted to experiment with bolder shades like bright matte pink. By now you’ve seen gals give this trend a go with mixed results. Perhaps you’ve noticed that the wrong shade of dense matte lipstick can age even a dewy 20 year old.
The face of Fall 2012 offers a softer and more accessible lip. Armani showed us a pucker one could kiss without needing a make-up removing wipe afterwards. Is there anything less dignified than thumbing smears of lipstick off a victim’s face after a smooch?
Karl cosigned a similar natural pout at Fall 2012 Chanel Couture. Hi Lindsey Wixson. That’s not to say the runways were free from dissent; Jean Paul Gaultier served us red and glossy with his immaculately tailored lady-pimp collection. 
Couture cotton balls at Chanel. 
Limp dick beaded buns at Armani Privé.
Tucked tidy as Blanche’s balls with a hairnet at Valentino.
Who’s bold enough to work a veil outside of the altar?
Buns served on a bed of fishnet bondage bank robberess at Jean Paul Gaultier.
Super upscale lesbian chic at Chanel.
A good distraction for a challenging face day by Giambattista Valli.
Say bye with butterflies from the back. 
The best of the night were all appropriately in black. Rihanna plunged in the front and sloped low in the back in this major Armani. Gwyneth repped her inner-circle in Stella McCartney. From the neck down Gwyneth looks amazing, but she’s looking a little inflamed in the face. Bad bronzer or bad eight ball? You decide. 
Adele turned it out in Armani. We sure as fuck knew she wouldn’t wear Chanel after Karl’s latest round of bad Grandpa fat comments.
Not all the black was good; Julianne Hough wasted her crazy toned body in this unflattering and boring Kaufmanfranco.
Bruno Mars gave a little ankle in this fashion-forward Thom Browne look. Not everyone will get it, but I appreciate the effort. 
Saggy tits. That’s the first thing that comes to mind when I see Katy Perry in this Elie Saab gown. The sophomoric blue hair and the pastel Tinkerbell gown are enough to induce the heaves. This girl cannot sing, she cannot dress, and therefore I have no use for her. No use at all. Good day Katy Perry. I said good day.
And the “desperately seeking attention” award goes to….miz Minaj. She has talent, so why won’t she lead with it? It’s Versace by the way. The cape not the bishop. 
Let’s work our way through the “irrelevant in white” category. Kathy Griffin wore Michael Kors rather well. Why is it when she looks better she’s less funny?
Kate Beckinsale usually shows up to these events in overblown ball gowns, so this Zuhair Murad is actually a surprisingly appropriate choice for her. She still can’t ditch the pageant hair, but baby steps are still progress. Paris Hilton wore a well-tailored Basil Soda. I’m not on fire for the white and gold combo. She looks better than usual, but a skosh overdressed.
Robyn, L.A. doesn’t do the whole quirky Nordic thing. Just ask Bjork. This whole look is an unmitigated hell no. 
One of the few pops of color, Fergie in Jean Paul Gaultier; I can feel how much she desperately wants our approval, but I must withhold it. 
Adam Levine doing his best Scott Disick. Between Scott and Adam, who do you think gets called “douche” more often to his face?
Taylor Swift is like the Nicole Kidman of the under-25 set. This over-serious frock is a Zuhair Murad creation.
Maria Kashleva serves Amy Winehouse (I-Dream-of-Jeannie-edition) in raspberry sorbet for Jean Paul Gaultier.
Anybody else catch the incredibly awkward, uncomfortable, and unintentional coming out party two guys had on Love Games: Bad Girls Need Love Too? (Don’t judge me haughty bitches.)
Mike and Chris played helicopter wangs and then locked themselves in the bathroom for a little “private time.” Neither bothered to think up a good explanation for the co-bathtime behavior, so Chris panicked and blurted to the assembled group that he was taking a dump and Michael came in to take a shower. The lame-ass cover did nothing to quell the suspicions of man-on-man fun.
Michael neither confirmed nor denied, but his face gave away everything. Chris looked nauseous as it dawned on him his parents and homophobic friends were going to definitely watch this. His little Gaultier T-Shirt isn’t helping. 
Michael was eliminated because (surprise, surprise) none of the girls thought he was very into them (maybe because he was four inches into Chris’ asshole instead?).
Jean Paul Gaultier
Calvin Klein Collection
Yves Saint Laurent
Alexander McQueen
Vera Wang
Celine
Rodarte
Burberry Prorsum
Chloe
Emilio Pucci
Ralph Lauren
Prada
Versace
Jean Paul Gaultier
Giorgio Armani
D&G
Yigal Azrouël
Dolce & Gabbana
Dennis Basso
Jill Stuart
Just Cavalli
Joan Smalls struts at Jean Paul Gaultier.
Jean Paul Gaultier rarely disappoints, but this season it was hard to narrow down the best looks in an all around fantastic show. Georgina Stojilkovic hatches from a metallic egg framed by feathers.