Tag Archives: Jennifer Aniston

July 2014 Horoscopes

CancerCANCER

Happy Birthday Little Crab!  Since last June, your life has been awash in change thanks to Jupiter in Cancer, but he’s shifting into your career sector which means travel, money, and most importantly enjoying the tangible fruits of your labor.  Over the next year, enjoy massive professional growth potential.  At long last, your paycheck becomes commensurate with your long undervalued abilities.  Stability sounds really good right?  Save your money.  This is not the time to take an expensive vacation, but feel free to plan for January or February of next year.  Buckle down at work while the wind is at your back.  When your shit’s together you make a rather attractive prospect, so don’t be surprised if an engagement arrives seemingly out of the blue.  Just remember dear Cancer, you are worthy and deserving of all the good fortune coming your way.  Rather than indulging in the anxiety of waiting for the proverbial “other shoe to drop,” enjoy the blessings life has bestowed upon you.

LeoLEO

July is a huge month for you Leo as Jupiter moves into your house mid-month and stays for the next year like some sort of sofa-crashing celestial fairy godmother.  For you Leo, over the next year Jupiter means true love.  If you are single, it is unlikely you will remain so for very long.  Established relationships feel ripe for matrimony now under Jupiter’s influence.  Before Jupiter comes on the 16th, meet unmet obligations and finish the unfinished.  Messiness won’t serve you during your reign.  Also, parcel out some quiet and solitude.  The beginning of the month feels a bit low energy, so don’t force the socializing.  Your time to shine will come the last two weeks of the month and especially between the 24-26th.  Hold on to your dick Leo, life’s about to get much BIGGER.

VirgoVIRGO

The first two weeks of July serve up a series of last minute opportunities for travel and adventure.  Enjoy a few spontaneous moments before settling into a quieter period of healing and self-reflection that will continue over the next year.  Weeding out the dead leaves to allow for new growth proves pivotal in preparing for new blessings.  With regard to work, schedule important talks with valuable contacts on the 24th when the Sun is shining on you favorably.  Jupiter’s shift indicates an end to a twelve year cycle or relationship.  Is it time to say good by to an unsatisfying relationship or addiction?  Now is the time to tackle the emotional work you’ve been neglecting. Therapy, anyone?  For some Virgos, you are making the emotional room for a baby.

LibraLIBRA

Libra enjoyed the bountiful influence of Jupiter professionally over the last year, but this month Jupiter moves out of your career and into your teamwork and tech support departments.  This shift provides a more comfortable collaborative energy for you and it leads you into some interesting philanthropic endeavors.  Hope you stashed some cash during your successful professional run because roving Mars enters to increase your living expenses on the 25th.  Unexpected costs arise concerning your home.  Mid-month your social life blooms.  Family plays a major part in making July special.  Take a little trip to your favorite spot with your sweetie and enjoy one another.  A stork might visit.

ScorpioSCORPIO

On July 16th, Jupiter transitions into Leo the governess of your career, expect your professional life to promptly catch fire and stay aflame for the next year, Scorpio.  Opportunity arises for relocation.  Make decisions based on your highest calling.  When Jupiter lives in Cancer, the energy is a little laid back for you.  Scorpio prefers the intensity of Jupiter in Leo where you can make mogul shit happen.  Schedule important communications on July 12th when the reflected light of the full moon illuminates the clarity of your speech.  Saturn’s retrograde has been bogging Scorpio down for months and shaken your confidence.  Saturn finally moves direct this month and she will reward you for all your tenacity and attention to detail before she finally spins out of Scorpio at the end of the year.

SagittariusSAG

The Sagittarius we all know and love reappears with a flourish this July after a lengthy period of charismatic drought.  The past year has tested your closest relationships.  You’ve been hurt and you’ve hurt others.  These experiences have taught you a great deal about vulnerability and trust.  Use the painful moments as evidence of your strength, not as an excuse to harden against others.  Your inner drag queen hasn’t died Sagittarius.  She’s just been at the spa while you do your emotional homework.  Now she’s ready to come back with the high-kicking flourish of a Rockette.  By the time the last two weeks of July roll around, all your mojo returns and you are ready to share what you’ve learned with those who want to know.

CapricornCAP

Hard-working Capricorns just keep trudging, but lately you haven’t advanced as quickly as you are accustomed.   The gridlock of your life is about to free up in July allowing you to ascend unhindered.  The top can be lonely and you crave intimacy.  Ready to make your relationship more permanent?  The 27th is a fortuitous day for an engagement.  Those looking to exit an unsatisfying situation should wait until after the 16th to file dissolution papers.  Caps with no current romantic attachment should direct this potent energy into relationships that can turn a profit.

AquariusAQUARIUS

At the beginning of July, honor Jupiter’s influence for a few final days by focusing on health and well-being.  Exercise, eat well, sleep, and enjoy the nourishment of the outdoors.  Prepare your mind and your body for love because that’s where Jupiter is headed – to your house of partnerships and commitments.  The energy is right for you to find your life partner in the next year.  For those already lovesick, the July 24-26th window makes an exception to stage an engagement or ceremony.  Water Bearers in steady relationships may wake up this month and realize that your relationship feels like high school when you’ve emotionally graduated on to college.  Kindly part ways as lovers and restructure as friends.

PiscesPISCES

These last months have been creative, glamorous, and fun for you Pisces, but they haven’t been the most financially secure with Mars draining your finances.  July requires you get series about your career.  You’ll certainly have the celestial support as Mars enters Scorpio.  Love always matters to Pisces, but even more so over the last year.  Your investment in your partner has resulted in a tight, strong, bond.  Celebrate with a party around the 12th and invite all your single friends.  Mid-month, Jupiter moves into your house of organization, health, and fitness.  Yes, you’d like to lose the gut once and for all, but more importantly this energy is about disciplined focus.  Get your body right.  Get your mind right.  Get your money right.  That’s your three-part mantra this month.

AriesARIES

Felt a bit dazed Aries?  July kicks off right with the release of Mercury’s retrograde which delivers clarity and a jolt of energy.  Saturn too spins out of retrograde freeing up your chances for fame, honor, and acclaim.  Don’t pretend you don’t love to be told how great you are.  After spending the last year governing your home and family, Jupiter moseys on into your realm of pleasure, creativity, and romance where it can turn up the heat dancing with Leo.  Combustion causes change, so get ready for some major shifts.  You shine on July 24th, so get outta the house that day for sure and remind everybody what you’re working with Aries.

Taurus

TAURUS

The first two weeks of July make an excellent time for travel Taurus, so go ahead and take a little trip to the seaside you’ve been longing for.  Even if you can’t go far, go somewhere on the 12th which is a particularly fortuitous day for adventure.  Mid-month Jupiter rolls into the realm of home, personal life, and family where it settles in for the next year.  A change of home, an addition of a baby, or cultivation of family relationships all make sense with Jupiter’s expansive influence.  Mars enters Scorpio which governs your relationships – expect passion, pleasure, and conflict.  Prepare for intense fucking and fighting through the first half of September.

GeminiGEMINI

With expansive Jupiter fattening your bank account over the last year, you’ve had the opportunity to accrue quite the savings.  During the first week of July, you’ll have the opportunity to put some of that wealth at risk for a potentially huge payday.  Whether you win or lose, you’ll learn a great deal about yourself from calculating the risk and forcing yourself to make a decision after much dithering.  Due to massive work demands, you’ll see more fluorescent lighting than daylight this summer.  When you start bitching to yourself about the grind, be grateful you have a job where you can excel.  Feeling restless?  This year provides opportunities to work away from home, travel, and has you contemplating a second piece of property where you can get away.  You have an itch to catch up with far-flung friends, so squeeze those moments in between work obligations.

Living Proof

JEN AND CHRIS LIVING PROOFDammit.  I already love Living Proof Prime Style Extender, and now I’m hooked on Living Proof Full shampoo and conditioner.  Do you think I want to love anything associated with Jennifer fucking Aniston?  I assure you I do not, but I cannot deny the otherworldly effects of these products.  I prefer wash and wear hair for my daily situation.  My hair goes up into a messy spinpin bun and down again several times a day.  Living Proof improves the texture, volume, and style of my air-dried hair.  Living Proof Full shampoo + conditioner + style extender + air dry = hair looks almost as good as if I finished with heat.  If I actually take the time to blow my hair out with Living Proof the results are major; add hot rollers = bombshell major.  I started this paragraph with the word dammit because Living Proof is pricey, and now I’m addicted.  I console myself knowing with Living Proof I can go a day between washings and still maintain bouncy bedhead.  LP makes my haircut look more expensive.  If Living Proof had nuts, I’d be swinging from them.  LIVING PROOF FULL

Living Proof Prime Style Extender

JENNIFER ANISTON LIVING PROOFI’ve been curious about Living Proof, the hair care company co-owned by Jennifer Aniston, a couple of MIT professors, and some venture capitalists.   The money guys got together with the scientists and recruited celebrity shine to push their new technology.  Sounds like a good recipe, right?  Well, since the line launched, I haven’t heard much one way or the other, so I decided to pick up a sample of the Living Proof Style Extender at Sephora the other day.  Let’s see if those MIT smarties really know anything about molecular engineering.

LIVING PROOF PRIME STYLE EXTENDERLiving Proof bases its claims of superiority on 2 patented molecules: OFPMA – which acts a shield, and PBAE – which creates volume through friction.  OFPMALiving Proof Prime Style Extender relies on OFPMA as its main ingredient and claims to extend style 2x longer.  So I put that bitch to the test last night.  In some ways I am follicularly blessed, but style retention is not my locks’ most enviable quality.  Curls, volume, lift, all dissipate rather quickly in most environments unless I go hard with the reliable, impermeable shellac of ElnettPRIME STYLE EXTENDER

After the usual cleanse and condition routine, I massaged a generous dollop of Living Proof Prime Style Extender through my hair.  The product is serum-like in consistency with definite glide.  It smells strongly citrusy, but not unpleasantly so.  I blow dried and noticed the product added marginal volume.  I then curled, let cool, and brushed out for a sort of Charlene-Tilton-Dallas-Era ‘do.  Most importantly, I skipped the Elnett to see what the Style Extender was capable of on its own.  CHARLENE TILTONOn the way to the festivities, I received a kind round of compliments on my hair.  I told the gang about my experiment and they agreed to look out for style droopage.  LIVING PROOF JEN ANISTONI confess the curl held up, albeit under rather untaxing circumstances – dinner + drinks for a party of 10 indoors.  My hair looks as good in the photos during the first margarita as it did during the sopapilla, so I guess there’s something to be said for that MIT education.  LIVING PROOF SCIENCEAfter a night of sleeping, my curl crashed, but I do have a voluminous-freshly-fucked bedhead situation going.  In the interest of research, I plugged my curling iron back in to see if I could quickly revive last night’s glory.  Indeed, the curl returned promptly and with bounce – all this without stinky, stiff hairspray.  LIVING PROOF PRINTThe science behind Living Proof clearly has merit.  Living Proof Prime Style Extender has a specific mission with a targeted consumer.  Any number of products can retain style for a day.  Use this when you want to go a few days between shampoos and need to easily revive your style without continuously weighing hair down with additional products.  Ladies who prefer a soft-hold style will particularly enjoy the benefits of Living Proof Prime Style Extender.LP EXTENDER

 

OSCARS 2013: wake me when it’s over

I commence this year’s Oscar fashion criticism frenzy with Kelly Osbourne in Tony Ward Couture because this is the dress I stared at longest and ultimately found most controversially interesting among a thicket of bland and boring looks. Was Charlize exquisite in Dior Haute Couture?  I guess.  Is it memorable?  No.  Am I bored?  Very.  Is she serving a little Sharon Stone with that hair and smirk?  Yes. Aniston possesses a rare talent for making Valentino look like the Macy’s Prom Collection.  Stand up straight bitch. This tin-tittied mess is Anne Hathaway in Prada.  Nobody noticed the diamonds, that’s for sure. When I see Halle Berry in this Versace, I want to pronounce it VersayceI despise everything about Amanda Seyfried in this Alexander McQueen: the bridesmaid hair, the pageant pose, and the washed out non-color of the firefly patterned gown. Jessica Chastain has truly never looked better in impeccably-tailored spiderweb Armani.  I don’t love Melissa McCarthy in this ill-fitting David Meister, but I will always love Melissa McCarthyJennifer Lawrence lacks a style identity.  I suspect Dior hands her a dress and she obediently wears it. One of the best dressed of the evening, Octavia Spencer looks fantastic in this soft pink Tadashi Shoji.A wrinkled mess, Kerry Washington served some sorbet Miu Miu.  It’s too long, no?I don’t get dead-eyed Kristen Stewart in Reem Acra.  I know she makes some bitches swoon, but to me she is not everything.  Can she close her mouth?  What’s up with her constant open mouth?  It’s creepy.This Louis Vuitton just doesn’t fit Reese Witherspoon, and the fabric isn’t modern. Nicole Kidman wore L’Wren Scott and I think we can agree it was a decent choice for her.  It’s a little fussy for my personal taste, but she wears it well and looks luminous. Let’s finish with the couples: Naomi Watts wore Armani PrivéArmani far and away fit the best dresses of the night.  Ben & Jen, she in Gucci, but it doesn’t matter what she wears because nothing pops on this girl.

 

a weekend on the mat

I confess I’m spending another weekend on the mat at a yoga retreat.  I know, I know, I’m not Jennifer Aniston. My good buddy is coming into town and we are going to spend the weekend working our practice for 6 hours a day.  Some of you stopped reading right there.  We’ll bend and twist in so many obscene ways.  Here are a few of the poses we’ll play with in case you are morbidly curious…

Betrothed, Butted, and Boring Blood

By now you’ve heard that Jen and Justin got engaged.  Why does their whole relationship smack of desperation?  Justin’s desperate to elevate himself to A-list relevancy and wealth.  Jen’s desperate to officially lock down a man before the tabloids permanently assign her the role of the heartbroken, left-behind spinster.  Can we expect a Mexican wedding?  Aniston loves her some Mexico.  Though some say the couple has already scouted locations in Greece.  Do we trust him?  Fuck No.  We want pre-nup. As an occasional watcher of Basketball Wives, I sadly wasn’t at all surprised to catch word that Chad allegedly head-butted Evelyn after she confronted him over a receipt for condoms.  He was arrested and charged, and has since been released from his contract by the Miami DolphinsEvelyn suffered a gash on her forehead and has apparently moved out of the couple’s home.  The two got married about 5 weeks ago.  Real messy ya’ll.

Finally, True Blood officially sucks now, right?  Just checking.

 

Tori & Dean: Partypoop

This week on “Tori Spelling’s New Career,” Tori fancied herself a professional party planner.  Apparently, publisher Simon & Schuster’s got a rock hard boner for Tori’s party planning book.  She beckoned her homoservant James to pull together three fake photoshoot parties for the book, and assigned Dean to organize an actual Ghostbusters-themed 4th birthday for Liam.The subplot this week centered on hiding Tori’s first trimester pregnancy from the outer circle.  Intel on Spelling’s womb is apparently so sought after she cannot murmur a word to anyone for fear that her secret would be splashed across the pages of US Weekly without a payday.  While she claimed to want to keep the news on lock, her persistence in wearing unnecessarily indicating maternity garb made it seem as though she was both encouraging and enjoying the speculation.The true Tori emerged on set during the photoshoot for her party planning book “Celebratori” (vomit).  Someone staged a shot that Tori didn’t care for, and she turned on her best Beverly Hills bitchery to remind the photographer that Mz. Spelling prefers to serve her sparkling water in a pitcher, not a milk jug.The staged spa party was as clichéd and tired as you can imagine.  The idea was an inexpensive DIY spa night, but between the flowers, booze, beauty products, and baked goods, it would be cheaper to go to the spa.The second fake party was themed “game night.”  Yeah, I know, she’s a ground-breaking party-planning genius.  Why hasn’t someone given this girl a book deal?

While shooting the ultra-pivotal dessert table, both the sweets and Tori began to melt in the southern California sun.  She and James bickered over details and mistakes.  The argument escalated to a full on cake debate and concluded with James storming off in a puff huff.The next day James and Tori kicked around sand and made easy amends in the desert.  They exchanged apologies over losing their patience the day prior.  Then they set to work on staging a fun but unrealistic “old west party” which culminated in a marshmallow roast.While Tori shot the book, Dean planned Liam’s Ghostbusters party.  Of all the parties, Dean’s party for Liam was actually the most creative.  He handmade Proton Packs that shot Silly String, and he constructed and painted a haunted house for the kids to enjoy.  Where’s Dean’s party planning book?After fussing to the photographer over whether she looked preggers in the photos, Tori divulged to her mother the news of their expanding family.  Candy looked surprised, but painted on her best happy face.  Tori looked satisfied by her response and the two shared a rarely seen tender mother-daughter moment.Tori wrapped the book shoot with a 70’s Caftan Party complete with fondue.  They shot in a house that looked a lot like Aniston’s recently sold overpriced shag pad.  Post-shoot, Tori gathered the gang for a toast and shared the news about the latest McDermott.  The next morning the parents informed Liam and Stella that soon a new sibling would join them as two of Hollywood’s most exploited children.  Mazels all around.

The First to Go

Circumstances beyond my control forced me to give up yoga for a little over three months.  I’ve recently returned to my mat and can’t believe how much my practice has suffered for the absence.First I noticed the weakness in my feet.  Strong feet are the first to go.  Balancing series that were once no problem are now fireleg starters.The hands, another key foundation, also suffered atrophy.  Blame weak hands for slippage during downward facing dog.  My core is jello.  Tight quads rebel.  My stressed muscles have stiffened and weakened all over.Thankfully the resilient body recovers quickly.  Each day I regain a little steadiness.  Now I know, the practice won’t wait.  There are no breaks.  Do yoga everyday and it will improve your life and your body.  It may sound like some bougie Jennifer Aniston granola bullshit, but it is 100% true.

 

LEAH LOVE LEGS

Hey friends, DC loyalist Leah Love wrote asking about giving good gams.  Her letter appears (with permission) below.

Sooooo, I need your advice: liquid pantyhose?  I’ve been anti-hose
since the mid-90s, especially the nude ones. Occasionally during the
winter time I will wear some sheer black stockings, but that’s about
it.  But now that I’m in my mid-30s and have been in a car accident, a
motorcycle accident, broken my leg twice (separate from the motor
vehicle accidents btw), torn my meniscus, and had a tumor removed from
my leg, I have some weird coloration in a couple spots on my legs
(they’re probably a lot more noticeable to me than anyone else).
Actually, now that I list all that shit out, I’m thinking my legs look
pretty good after all!

Anyway, I remember a few years back this queen I knew telling me about
liquid pantyhose and making your legs look like silk. I have never
used it, don’t know where to get it, and definitely don’t know which
brands are better than the others, so I thought I’d ask for your two
cents.

LL, here’s at least twenty five cents worth of options for you.  Please enjoy.Getting directly to the heart of your question, air stockings, liquid pantyhose, called by whatever name, are a great option for camouflaging veins and minor imperfections.  Different formulas have different finishes, so personal preference will guide the selection.  These products are not self-tanners.  They are similar to bronzers, but typically provide better coverage and are less slippery on sweaty summer days.  For best results, dispense product on hands and then rub into legs. Budget: Sally Hansen Spray On Subtle Shimmer, Air Stocking Silk Spray

Luxury: Classified Cosmetics ERA RAYZ Spray On Bronzer, Judith August Invisible Stockings For Silky Sexy LegsBody bronzers are another alternative: temporary like liquid stockings, but with less coverage and staying power and more moisture.  This group is best for evenings out as they many contain shimmer that can be a little much for the daytime. Here are some pricey but decent options: Nars Body Glow, Booty Parlor Flirty Little Secret Firming Bronzer Cream (Booty Parlor claims this stuff contains pheromones, so do with that what you will…), Scott Barnes Body Bling, and Lorac TANtilizer.Michael Kors offers Leg Shine and Tarte makes Glam Gams, both variations of bronzers hyper-focused on legs.  These formulas come in stick form – good for travel. Hippies might like all natural Dr. Hauschka Translucent Bronze Concentrate which turns ordinary lotion into bronzer with a few pumps. Finally, consider a self-tanner + bronzer combo which gives you instant gratification and a parting gift of gradual color for later.  You all know the self-tanner rules: exfoliate, moisterize rough spots first, wear gloves, and take the time to apply carefully.  There are several pocketbook friendly options in this category: Australian Gold Continuous Spray with Instant Bronzer SPF 15, L’Oreal Sublime Bronze, or Urban Decay Santa Tanita.

Thanks for your letter Leah Love.  Don’t forget to tell us what you try and how you like it.  XOX, DC