Tag Archives: Jennifer Garner

OSCARS 2013: wake me when it’s over

I commence this year’s Oscar fashion criticism frenzy with Kelly Osbourne in Tony Ward Couture because this is the dress I stared at longest and ultimately found most controversially interesting among a thicket of bland and boring looks. Was Charlize exquisite in Dior Haute Couture?  I guess.  Is it memorable?  No.  Am I bored?  Very.  Is she serving a little Sharon Stone with that hair and smirk?  Yes. Aniston possesses a rare talent for making Valentino look like the Macy’s Prom Collection.  Stand up straight bitch. This tin-tittied mess is Anne Hathaway in Prada.  Nobody noticed the diamonds, that’s for sure. When I see Halle Berry in this Versace, I want to pronounce it VersayceI despise everything about Amanda Seyfried in this Alexander McQueen: the bridesmaid hair, the pageant pose, and the washed out non-color of the firefly patterned gown. Jessica Chastain has truly never looked better in impeccably-tailored spiderweb Armani.  I don’t love Melissa McCarthy in this ill-fitting David Meister, but I will always love Melissa McCarthyJennifer Lawrence lacks a style identity.  I suspect Dior hands her a dress and she obediently wears it. One of the best dressed of the evening, Octavia Spencer looks fantastic in this soft pink Tadashi Shoji.A wrinkled mess, Kerry Washington served some sorbet Miu Miu.  It’s too long, no?I don’t get dead-eyed Kristen Stewart in Reem Acra.  I know she makes some bitches swoon, but to me she is not everything.  Can she close her mouth?  What’s up with her constant open mouth?  It’s creepy.This Louis Vuitton just doesn’t fit Reese Witherspoon, and the fabric isn’t modern. Nicole Kidman wore L’Wren Scott and I think we can agree it was a decent choice for her.  It’s a little fussy for my personal taste, but she wears it well and looks luminous. Let’s finish with the couples: Naomi Watts wore Armani PrivéArmani far and away fit the best dresses of the night.  Ben & Jen, she in Gucci, but it doesn’t matter what she wears because nothing pops on this girl.


Itchy, twitchy, and bitchy

Sorry for the delay.  I suffered a wicked case of unexplained hives over the last couple days that drove me to distraction.  I tried everything to get the migrant irritation to settle, but eventually I just broke down and took an allergy pill.  Not sure what caused the outbreak, but the constant itching was driving me bananas. So what did you think of American Horror Story: Asylum?  Pretty spooky, right?  Murphy and Falchuk repeatedly focused on imagery of folks strapped down to gurneys.  This season explores themes of restraint, imprisonment, drugs, mental illness, and religion.  While I suspect that the series will rely heavily on well-tread ground – Cuckoo’s Nest anyone?  Hopefully, Asylum will present new twists on the genre favorite.  More importantly, will the show have any heart without Connie Britton?  Uggg, and wasn’t Adam Levine just so Levinesque.  The hand lick.  Gross.  And that’s not the first time we’ve seen that misogynistic move on this show.Do we care that Justin and Jessica are getting married in Italy this weekend?  I didn’t think so.  Ben Affleck is to Jennifer Garner as Justin Timberlake is to Jessica Biel.


The Rachel Zoe Project: Global Rain

The changes at Camp Zoe precipitated a shopping trip to cleanse Taylor’s energy with “new looks.”  Rachel settled on “glam rock,” and Brad was pressured into “lesbian DJ chic.”  In reality, Zoe served bony Fraggle, and Brad gave us last year’s Eurotrash.Once the new looks were procured, attention turned to dressing the 2010 Golden Globe attendees: Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Garner, and possibly Paula Patton.Brad welcomed Ashley to her first day at the Zoe asylum.  His very first words of advice were a cryptic warning to watch out for Taylor when she’s out pulling styles for the Globes.Rachel planned on an architectural Marchesa for Kate Hudson.  Even though she already had it in a bold and unique berry flavor, she insisted on getting it remade in white.  For Cameron, Rachel and Brad eyed a red cap-sleeved McQueen gown.  Garner apparently had a dress boner for some lilac (looked grey) beaded Versace that still needed to be lined.  Four attendees and no confirmed dresses sent Rachel into an unnecessary fit of anxiety.  She ordered an immediate edit, dividing the great from the mediocre on the racks.Ashley tried to add her opinion, but her input was drowned out by Rachel and Brad’s “so mayjahs!”  While rolling in the racks, Paula Patton was confirmed as an attendee, and Rachel immediately delegated dressing her to the newbie AshleyCrystal Gayle-haired Ashley stopped by Starworks to collect wardrobe options for Paula Patton.  She pulled tent after shapeless tent for the pregnant Paula; none of it looking particularly Globe-worthy.Rachel obsessed over some Versace gown that she had only peeped in a sketch.  From the sketch alone, it was obvious this dress was totally inappropriate for the Globes and Cameron Diaz.  Why would Cameron Diaz wear a long-sleeved grey granny gown to the Globes?  The sacred dress was accidentally handed off to the wrong courier at the hotel, and Team Zoe lost their proverbial shit trying to find it.  Finally Lucio, Versace’s rep, called with the news that the dress had taken a sojourn to Malibu to visit Pierce Brosnan, but had been located and was on its way.  As soon as it arrived, wrinkled, grey, long-sleeved, and matte, it was abundantly clear that the dress would never work.  After all the unnecessary drama, Rachel dismissed the dress and Lucio with a squint eye and flip of the hand.During Brad’s extra homosexual pilates lesson, he had an epiphany that he should encourage Ashley to speak up and voice her opinion.  When Ashley arrived the next morning, Brad explained that he brings the gay man’s perspective, but Ashley needed to vocalize the female perspective because he did not wear women’s clothes.  Really Brad?Brad broke the news to Rachel that Taylor is dressing a producer for the Golden GlobesRachel soured at the notion and then announced she was too busy taking the high road.  She told Rodger, “I hate the high road.”  If this is Rachel taking the high road, what does it look like when she rolls in the gutter? Brad called Rachel and informed her that the dress they pulled for Cammie was from Alexander McQueen Autumn/Winter 09.  Rachel declared this unacceptable, even though any stylist worth her Gucci would know what collection that McQueen came from the minute it entered the showroom.  Even if it is “archive,” if it hasn’t been photographed, who gives a fuck? Zoe favorite Molly Sims stopped by to collect looks for the Art of Elysium and InStyle parties.  Molly declared, “I’m not nominated, I’m not presenting…”  No shit you aren’t nominated or presenting.  Seriously, who did you blow to even get invited? Sims hung all over “Bradley,” and whirled around the studio slipping in and out of gowns.  One of the most frustrating things about this show is that they never pick the best look!  This was the best look.

However, this ill-fitting, blue, upholstered Ports 1961 mess was selected for Art of Elysium, and a shapeless Marchesa tent for the Globes party.  We all know you are trying to get into Weinstein’s good graces, but please stop trying to make Marchesa happen.  Wearing Marchesa to the Globes is like wearing Jessica McClintock to prom.

Bieber-haired Rodger tried to get reacquainted with his nutsack by watching the playoffs with the boys.  In a hyper display of masculinity, Rodger scooped up his friend’s baby, cradled it gently, and insisted on taking a picture and sending it to Rachel.Rain clouds gathered, and this sent Team Zoe into a tizzy, declaring the weather “not fair” and a “nightmare!”  The idea of her clients encumbered by holding up their gowns and the money shots cluttered with umbrellas caused Rachel to dub the entire event a “fashion disaster!”Team Zoe gathered on the couch to see the attendees work the carpet.  First Cam in the red McQueen: this is a gorgeous dress, but we can agree that these are the wrong shoes.  As you already know, red lips with a red dress is a no-no; a softer lip was needed to avoid looking garish.

Next, Kate dressed in MarchesaRachel should have kept it berry, because Hudson bordered on bridal, and the white platform shoes evoked stripper.

Garner just doesn’t have it.  Dress her in whatever; she’s a fucking snooze.

Rachel seemed pleased with Paula Patton.  Her approval allowed Ashley to exhale with relief for the first time all week.  This look doesn’t offend, but it doesn’t really wow either.