Tag Archives: Jersey Shore

Four for Friday

Notice how ever since The Soup moved to Wednesday it’s lost some of its zhush?  How can you do a thorough weekly round-up on a show that airs midweek?  Explain this suicidal programming decision por favor.  Jersey Shore sputtered out like a two-pump chump.  I’m guessing that’s what the lesbians affectionately call Vinny after the world’s least erotic three-way. Notice Bethenny’s show is building up to the infamous Amador boat trip even though everyone already widely believes the entire event to be staged for the cameras?  PR strategy or arrogant stupidity?Spent the last two days learning some interesting, scientific, and at times witchy stuff about the human body.  As if I needed another reason to sleep a full 8-10 hours, apparently the only way to truly rest and repair the adrenal glands is by consistently getting a full 8 hours of sleep.  The body repairs the adrenals during a specific period later in the sleep cycle.  If sleep is interrupted, the body resets to hour one and misses the opportunity to repair.  Can you poop without a stimulant (caffeine, nicotine, etc.) in the morning?  If not, this could be a sign of adrenal insufficiency.  Stressed, pissy and fatigued?  Consider the possibility that your chronic sleep deprivation depletes important hormones.

 

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Forbidden Friday

So no matter what happens this weekend, we are absolutely forbidden from partaking in the following behaviors.

Childish Alcoholic Douchebaggery.

No belly shots, keg stands, quarters, beruit, or other drinking games spawned from the land of Kappa Kappa Kunts.  Trust me – you’ve graduated.

Enjoy no more than 5 cocktails, and if any one of you makes that Mercy-laced cocktail recipe courtesy of GOOP then I will issue an official fatwa on your ass.  Take that shit to Gwyneth’s townhouse.  Wanna cure your hangover?  Set aside a fat rail from your eight ball and reserve it for breakfast.  Problem solved.  Put that in your newsletter Mizz Martin.

Mopping up the Dregs.

No matter how desperate, horny, or lonely, avoid finding a fuck partner the last twenty minutes the bar is open.  When has a truly satisfying sexual experience come from sorting through the dregs at last call?  Better question, how many of these encounters require a side order of Valtrex with the following morning’s Mimosa brunch.  Don’t kick off 2012 with a trip to the free clinic.

Including the drama couple.

Most of us are friends with at least one couple that can’t make it through an entire evening without getting into some loud dramatic stunt queen shit that sours the fun for everyone.  Avoid those assholes this weekend.

Drinking and Driving

DUI’s are so 2007 and so inexcusable.  For those dumbasses thinking of riding home on their bikes drunk (FYI, you can still get a DUI on a bike), did I ever tell you about that night I spent in the hospital with my friend Oskar after he cracked his head open drunk biking home from the bars one night?  Fun story.

Bitch & Complain

Nothing sucks up fun like a whiny bitch.  I’ll sum this up with one of my favorite quotes (which has been attributed to several different people including: Katharine Hepburn, Wallis Simpson, Henry Ford II, Benjamin Disraeli, and John Wayne, but who knows where it originated?)

Never Complain.  Never Explain.

a few for Friday: B, G, and B&B

So what do we make of the Bethenny Frankel money mystery?  Her desperate visit on The Today Show did little to clarify doubts surrounding the sale of Skinnygirl Cocktails.  She implied the 100+ million dollar figure was accurate.  Doubters at Huffpo ran a retraction.  Her defensive and side-stepping response has everybody wondering about the truth.  Fishy.Today also broke the Giuliana Rancic cancer diagnosis story this week.  I have a soft spot for Giuliana and frown over her sad turn of luck.  Word is the cancer was present in both breasts, and she had a double lumpectomy within the last couple days.  The medical community rushed to defend IVF and insist that the treatments did not necessarily increase the risk of cancer.  Some cancers are hormone-fed, correct?  IVF involves super doses of hormones, correct?  Doctors are making a shitload of money off fertility treatments, including IVF, correct?  Correct.  In more uplifting news, I’m living for Beavis and Butt-head right now and anxiously await the premiere next Thursday.  This is one remake that won’t suck.  No one will miss Jersey Snore.  This season was extra weak marinara sauce.  Seriously though, the question we’ve all been skirting: is it possible Pauly D is gay?  Carefully consider it.

VMAjor Fashion Letdown

Love Adele, but this boring-ass dress explains why she’s often photographed from the shoulders up. Fucking gross yo.  Beyoncé does her bun in the oven pose in tangerine Lanvin.  I’m sure Gwyneth is thrilled at the prospect of sharing her homemade organic baby food recipes.Miley Cyrus in Cavalli and Selena Gomez in Julien Macdonald, these two twats look 35.

Justin Beiber is the only young lady who dressed her age.

You can take the whores out of the Shore, but not the Shore out of these whores.Jojo you know it’s just a little too late…

All that auditing has dulled her taste in clothes.  Katie dressed like she was attending a parent-teacher conference instead of the VMAs.  The awkward stance and hideous booties do nothing to redeem the look.  The fact that Pete Wentz topped the best dress should give you an indication of the evening’s style caliber. Wasn’t wowed by Mizz Saldana in a embellished LBD by Barbara Bui, but I’ll still probably see her new movie ColombianaFor Katy Perry life is a costume party rather than a fashion show.  Here she channeled her “happy endings” look.

This is not an appropriate response to a cold sore Nicki.

More of the same from Miss Piggy’s Armenian cousin who always serves too much titty, too much belly, and too much hair.  

Bridal Makeup: The I do’s and don’ts

My dear friend Sam is getting married soon and she recently inquired about how to achieve a natural, dewy, minimalist look for her big day.  She cited Kate’s (Moss not Middleton, ya’ll) recent nuptials as inspiration.Wedding makeup is tricky business.  The bride must consider lighting, photography, and longevity.  Often what works on camera can look down right freakish in person.  Furthermore, who can be bothered with endless touch-ups on such an important occasion?Most brides aim for subtle enhancement to show their best selves.  The approach for each bride must be individually tailored to achieve optimal results, but there are a few hard and fast rules for wedding day makeup that simply should not be ignored.Despite what you might have learned from last weekend’s Jerseylicious marathon, a smoky eye doesn’t work for everyone.  Those with hooded eyelids or smaller eyes should stick to lighter neutral shadows.  A smoky eye can easily melt into a raccoon eye without proper preservation.  If you insist on breaking out some intense shadow for the big day, have at it, but for the love of Aucoin please no super bright colors.  Save the hot pink and purple; this is your wedding day and not a club crawl through the Jersey Shore.Keep shimmer to a minimum.  A little here and there to catch the light is fine – corner of the eyes, brow bone, a smidge on the cheek bones, a dab in the center of the lip or arch of the cupid’s bow (NOT all locations por favor).  Shimmer reads prominently in photographs.  If you go crazy with the highlighter all over; you’ll appear oily and shiny in your pictures.  Soft matte works best on camera.Dramatic brides may consider a red lip.  Proceed with caution.  Red lips are extremely high-maintenance.  Gotta keep it off the teeth, off the dress, and reapply often for maximum punch.  A scarlet smoocher can easily dominate the face and take over a photo.  The wrong shade of red causes the rest of the face to recede.  The tendency is to overcompensate with too much color elsewhere or look washed out.  Consider a subtle red wash on the lips to keep features balanced.Go easy with the foundation and concealer application.  Let your skin and inner light shine through.  Remember the aim of these products is to perfect the skin, not mask it.  Splurge on high-end foundation and concealer, even if you go budget in other areas.  Without a perfected base, the whole look crumbles.Invest in a primer.  A decent primer provides staying power.  Primer is the key to 8-12 hours of longevity, so you look as good at the end of the reception as you did walking down the aisle.

 

Top Five Relationship Lessons as Taught to us by Reality Television

5)      Cheating ruins a relationship forever.  For a timely example, see Sammi and Ron from Jersey Shore.  If you discover your significant other has a jump off, cut and run.  Under no circumstances should you decimate your pride by going back for even one sesh of break-up sex.  Don’t fucking tell me you love him, weak-ass bitch.4)      The following advice applies to all relationships.  Look at what people do, not what they sayTori Spelling failed to apply this rule.  Dean talked a lot of love-at-first-sight woo to lure Tori.  However, many believe his decision to leave his wife, son, and newly adopted daughter to opportunistically seize fame and exploit a dim-witted heiress of dwindling celebrity better reflects his true character.  Now she’s surprised about relationship problems?  Actions determine character.  See also, Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian, and any of the hot-ass messes from Teen Mom.3)      Please don’t EVER film your fucky times.  See Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Danielle Staub, and the OG of the celeb sex tape, Paris Hilton.  While some consider this a catapult to notoriety, unless you are fucking someone noteworthy, you’ll only be famous to his friends for your “technique.”2)      Protect precious possessions from the vengefulJWOWW and Tom, Ron and Sam, The Bad Girls Club – all these kids got their belongings trashed.  Don’t be naïve.  Lock your shit down before you start a war, and if you pick a fight, be prepared to finish it.1)      Marinating bad feelings in liquor intensifies rather than alleviates tension.  See Bethenny, Ramona, Snooki, Austin Armacost, and Tami Roman from Basketball Wives for shameful examples of messy drinkers.  Slurring, stumbling, puking, instigating bar fights, removing heels, hooking up with questionable fugsters, and showing your ass in public are all fucking dignity issues.  Remember, there is nothing more repulsive than a sloppy-ass drunk.

Smooches to all of you this Valentine’s DayMuah.

Dear Oprah, OWN Sucks

Even us schadenfreuders hoped Oprah’s OWN might serve up a programming highlight or two, but we’ve generously given Ms. Winfrey more than a month to win us over, and she’s already squandered most of our patience and good will.  If Oprah’s foray into OWN proves nothing else, it illustrates that there is a huge difference between running a successful talk show and overseeing an entire network.The first of many problems with OWN is lack of original programming.  In the age of streaming, old movies ain’t gonna cut it, and reruns of Dr. Phil definitely ain’t gonna cut it.  She’d be better off showing reruns of her own show if the network needs filler.  Oprah’s so technologically out of touch she quaintly believes that we’re all going to sit down and watch an edited version of Postcards From the Edge during primetime?  Up against Jersey Shore, is she bananas?Let’s discuss the original programming that has aired so far.  Basically, it generates hostility.  The Gayle King Show is some seriously amateur shit.  King’s sloppiness only serves to highlight the rather obvious coattail-riding nepotism which landed her the position in the first place.  Next, tune into Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes and watch the production team shield Oprah from any backstage complication while simultaneously anticipating and meeting her every high-maintenance whim.  Even if you liked Oprah before, you won’t after you watch this.  Her staff gives new meaning to the term sycophant.OWN’s self-proclaimed mission is to “entertain, inform and inspire people to live their best lives,” but is this really the best Oprah can do?Oprah has approximately six months or less to turn things around at OWN before becoming a cautionary tale.  Some have already dubbed the venture a failure, and the ratings continue to drop, but don’t count Ms. Winfrey out just yet.Oprah, first things first, you need some appointment television, and no, your reality show definitely doesn’t count.  OWN needs an unmissable water cooler show.  Try bankrolling forward-thinking, risky artistic projects that more conservative networks reject – find OWN’s version of Mad Men, Sex and the City, or Sons of Anarchy.Despite rumors of upcoming Tatum O’Neal and Shania Twain reality shows, Oprah has yet to bring an interesting celeb-reality entry into the programming mix.  If she knew anything, she’d give Nicki Minaj her own show.OWN’s definitely squandered an opportunity on cornering the healthy lifestyle angle.  How about a vegetarian cooking show?  We all know you have Kathy Freston on speed dial.  What about giving Michael Pollan a camera and letting him explore where our food comes from?Most importantly, where the fuck is the fashion, beauty, and interior design?Come on Oprah, we all expect more of you.  Time is running out for you to salvage this disaster.  Start by cutting Gayle a severance package.

Snooki, JWoww, and Sammi give Bazaar the Stank Eye

Anastasia, Drusilla, and the Wicked Stepmother.

White Smash.

Channeling Marion Cotillard.

Where the fuck are my feet?