Tag Archives: Jessica Biel

matching is for cowards

While inventorying my wardrobe for an upcoming trip, I wondered whether anyone wears matching 2 pieces anymore? Fit is infinitely more important than matching top to bottom.  I prefer to collect mismatched tops and bottoms on clearance during the off season.  Swimsuit styles barely change from year to year anyway.  Work a top/bottom combo that flatters your body.  The more random and contrasting the fabrics, the better. Even though they’ve made a major resurgence in the last decade, one pieces are still unexpected and super fun.  Keep at least one or two perfectly chic options around when you aren’t feeling a bikini. 

Itchy, twitchy, and bitchy

Sorry for the delay.  I suffered a wicked case of unexplained hives over the last couple days that drove me to distraction.  I tried everything to get the migrant irritation to settle, but eventually I just broke down and took an allergy pill.  Not sure what caused the outbreak, but the constant itching was driving me bananas. So what did you think of American Horror Story: Asylum?  Pretty spooky, right?  Murphy and Falchuk repeatedly focused on imagery of folks strapped down to gurneys.  This season explores themes of restraint, imprisonment, drugs, mental illness, and religion.  While I suspect that the series will rely heavily on well-tread ground – Cuckoo’s Nest anyone?  Hopefully, Asylum will present new twists on the genre favorite.  More importantly, will the show have any heart without Connie Britton?  Uggg, and wasn’t Adam Levine just so Levinesque.  The hand lick.  Gross.  And that’s not the first time we’ve seen that misogynistic move on this show.Do we care that Justin and Jessica are getting married in Italy this weekend?  I didn’t think so.  Ben Affleck is to Jennifer Garner as Justin Timberlake is to Jessica Biel.

 

MET GALA 2012: impossible conversations about inexplicable selections

As those of us with a pulse know, last night the Met Gala threw down in NYC.  The ball celebrated the opening of the exhibit Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations at the Costume Institute.  Let’s have a conversation about the fucking weird ass choices some of these bitches made last night. It is hard to know where to start, so let’s start with some one who should know better.  Rachel Zoe looks like a fringed push pop in this ridiculous-on-her frock.  Zoe styled Karolina Kurkova (where you been girl?) in a gown from her eponymous line. The dress appears to have been heavily influenced by the Armani gown Zoe dressed Anne Hathaway in for the Oscars not too long ago – that Zoe, always full of fresh ideas.Beyoncé loves that stupid ass pose.  Who the fuck stands like that in real life?  The way she stiffly palms her outer thighs is so forced and unnatural.  Do we need to talk about this Givenchy Couture?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it seems to me that Givenchy cares more about appearing on the red carpet than maintaining a high standard of brand integrity.  By my totally unscientific estimation, about one in ten times Givenchy gets it right with their red carpet loaners.  Sorry B, this is definitely not one of those times.  I hate almost every single thing about this dress.  It took some nutz for Christina Ricci to rock this odd Thakoon number.  It isn’t perfect, but it is courageous.  Is she going through another praying mantis phase or is it just a pre-Met crash diet?If Laura Ashley and a flora chintz sofa made a bastard love child, this Valentino blanket that SJP is wearing would be the unholy spawn.  Jessica Paré wore the shit out of this L’Wren Scott gold cap sleeve.  No dummy, our little Megan obviously plans to squeeze every last drop of exposure from her Mad Men supporting role.  Good for her, this was one of the better ensembles of the evening. From one Mrs. Draper to another, January Jones typically pushes boundaries, at times at the expense of flattery.  The more I look at this sculpted Versace, the less it offends me.  Yeah, the peplum has been overdone this season, and yeah yellow and black tends to evoke bumble bee, but I think this is a bold and interesting post-baby choice.  She’s done worse. Lately, Emma Stone has made me forget why I like her.  The color, shape, texture, and timing of this Lanvin cocktail frock is all wrong for this season and this event.  Did she get lost on her way to homecoming?Carey Mulligan co-hosted the event and wore this shield to protect her soul from the despotic clutches of Anna Wintour. Paltrow predictably in Prada presenting a pinch of side boob.  Have we reached a consensus on whether she conservatively augmented her tatas after Moses?  If she’s going to continue to push those absurd Tracy Anderson workouts then she might want to actually wear something that celebrates her hard-fought body.  Unfinished is the word I would use to describe this look.Is Cameron just straight up old now or what?  Squint – is this Sharon Stone or Cameron DiazStella McCartney provided the matronly gown.  Stella McCartney is just mean with some of the ugly ass shit she makes her friends wear, damn.Claire Danes evoked a little Betty Draper from the neck up, which was a welcome departure from her minimalist tendency.  J Mendel conceived of the ill-fitting garment.  The cut accentuates her tiny top and then betrays her by creating the illusion of a big bottom.  Face it, she’s serving sleeveless bathrobe. First, why are these two getting married?  I dislike them each individually more when they are together.  Biel looks like she hemmed that dress with two-sided tape 5 minutes before she strode onto the carpet.  We all know very well that Jessica Biel couldn’t dress herself  if she were locked in a Chanel store.  When it comes to Biel, the expectations are very low.  Yet she still repeatedly fails to meet them.  Much like Justin Timberlake’s acting career.  Dunst looks pissed.  I’d be pissed to if I wore that random shit to the fashion event of the year.  I hate this evening suit almost as much as I hate that overrated Melancholia.Hey Flo!  I truly appreciate your willingness to go balls to the wall.  At Coachella, you served me desert couture and I’m grateful for it.  However, you are not Lady Gaga.  This fussy layered McQueen is an overreach that reads more costume than gala. Prabal Gurung is a pimp.  That’s called swagger bitches.  Recognize. One of the best dressed of the evening – Marion Cotillard in head to toe Dior.  Don’t usually love a sheer bottom, but this dress photographs and fits beautifully.  J’adore. We saw quite a few subtle variations on a very similar look; here Rihanna does the long-sleeved reflective column in black Tom Ford.  Snooze. Scarjo no!  This embellished, pink, antiquated Dolce & Gabbana mess had no bizness at the Met Gala.  I need more modernity from you Scarlett!  You are not a little girl anymore; evolve past this princessy shit. Bad Grandma!  Bad, bad Grandma!  We told you not to leave Shady Pines without a nurse’s aid.  Oh wait, that’s just Mary Kate at the Met GalaJessica Alba improved over last year, but she should have worn this dress then when this Michael Kors metallic lamé might have felt fresh.  Did Brad Goreski style her again this year?The unofficial perennial Prom King and Queen of the Met Ball, Gisele and Tom  stuck to boring black this year.  Is it me or does that photo reveal a bit of tension between the power couple?

Hey Kanye, Anna wouldn’t let you bring Kim?

Golden Globes 2012: Gowns, Gams, & Guns

Jolie served in Atelier Versace.  She turned it out to pimp her directorial debut.  Don’t love the shoes, but when she tries even a little she easily steals the show.

The most improved nod goes to Heidi Klum in Calvin Klein Collection, who usually shows up to these events looking wildly out of place and heinously attired. Mila Kunis looked bored and made this one-strap Christian Dior boring too.  She can do better, but can’t seem to shake this recent ugly frock streak.  Let’s get the brides out of the way.  First, Jessica Chastain arrived in an ill-fitting Givenchy.  In recent awards seasons, Givenchy seems to lend out dresses willy-nilly and doesn’t bother to make sure they are tailored correctly.  For as many style successes as they have, they have an equal number of fashion failures.  Kate Beckinsale always brings the over-try, sponsored here by Roberto Cavalli and accompanied by Len Wiseman.Jessica Biel wore a matrimonial Elie Saab, obviously unable to stifle her wedding enthusiasm. Sofia Vergara showed us the source of the Nile in Vera Wang Sarah Michelle Gellar drowned in a big blue and white tie-dyed Monique L’huillier. Best grown women: Downton Abbey’s Elizabeth McGovern, Diane Lane and Madge both in Reem Acra.Vivienne Westwood dressed Andrea Riseborough who stars in Madonna’s movie W.E.The gorgeous Gucci girls = Salma Hayek and Evan Rachel Wood.God bless Melissa McCarthy; she tried in Badgley Mischka.  Take a cue from Octavia Spencer who looked incredible in a light lavender Tadashi Shoji. Modern Family’s Ariel Winter looks all grown up in Dolce & GabbanaShailene Woodley chose a lovely Marchesa gown, but unfortunately paired it with bad posture.  Claire Danes deviated from her usual favorites Calvin Klein and Narciso Rodriquez in favor of this embellish-backed J. Mendel number.  I’m ambivalent – love the back, hate the front. Michelle Williams wore Jason Wu.  She should stick to Prada or Miu Miu.  Is that burned out velvet?  Emma Stone also failed to impress in a mediocre Lanvin gown. Frieda Pinto wore lapis Prada and it won’t be everyone’s favorite, but I think she’s lovely.  Juliana Marguilies also chose a bold color statement with this sleek eggplant Naeem Khan.Laura Dern sparkled in an emerald Andrew Gn gown.Did you get the memo that Reese is reinventing herself as sexy?  Zac Posen painted her red and gave her hips.  Nicole Richie is quickly morphing into a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills.  At first, I loved this Julien MacDonald metallic dress, but the more I look at it, the less excited I am, especially over that messy hem. Where have you been Natalie?  We’ve barely seen you since you gave birth.  Weird dress by Lanvin. Madeleine Stowe celebrated her career revival in Vera WangCharlize Theron is like awards show pizza; even when she’s bad she’s not that bad, and here she’s pretty decent in Dior Couture.  If only she could wipe that smug-ass look off her (recently tweaked?) face. 

Are we over ombré?

For the last few years, many ladies have been rocking the ombré hair as seen here on Lily Aldridge.  This low maintenance style actually looks better as it grows out with darker roots and lighter tips. Transitioning from solid root-to-tip color towards gradual dark-to-light makes a lot of sense for fall.  Summer’s highlights can appear a little harsh against fairer skin.  It never hurts to freshen and revise your presentation every season.Ombré mimics the hair’s natural darkening as the Sun retreats and most of us head indoors.  This look feels right for this time of year, no?When executed correctly, the color shift should be subtle and without clear lines of demarcation like Mz. Simpson.  It should not look like the tips of your hair were soaked in a bucket of bleach à la Teyana Taylor.  Some may argue that ombré is so over, but this inexpensive alternative to pricey and high maintenance highlights ain’t going anywhere.  This modern and easy color option flatters most folks.At the moment, Giuliana Rancic is the unabashed poster girl for this trend.  She’s been repping this look for a hot minute.  We agree her extensions are about six inches too long though, right?  Desperate much?Those who want to crank it up a notch, consider a gradient of red hues or working a strong bang into the mix.

Who delivered at the 2010 Met Costume Institute Gala?

Anne Hathaway in Valentino, one of the best of the night.

Blake wasted her banging body in this Versace mistake.

I’m not mad at Gwen for this.

January, no, oh no…..

Mila, kinda drowning, but not bad.

Biel puts the ralph in Ralph Lauren.Why Gisele, why?Bad fit in YSL.

Diane von Furstenberg does Kristin Bell right.

Padma proves shiny fabric is no woman’s friend on the red carpet.

JLO’s done this look before, but it is done well here.

Grilled Summit Cheese

Summit on the Summit premiered last night and I tuned in because I enjoy the sight of celebrities suffering.  Watching celebrities rough-it has satisfying aspects, but no one in this ninety minute movie explains what the fuck climbing this mountain has to do with fresh drinking water.  They keep saying the “Global Clean Water Crisis has brought us here,” and “we are bringing awareness to the problem,” uhhh, okay, how?  They don’t seem to be asking for donations or providing any clean water, so what does this have to do with the clean water crisis?

After pulling out of the trip at the last minute, Justin Timberlake limply introduces the documentary.  Jessica Biel signed up for this thinking she and Justin would be together, and then he drops out and she’s stuck climbing a 19,000 ft. mountain while he bones dancers back in Vegas.

Let me point out a few things about this little “philanthropic mission,” 248 porters (sherpas) were used to haul the celebrities’ shit up the mountain!  These pussies only carried twenty pounds, “desperate, water-less” Tanzanians carried the rest of the celebrities’ belongings, food, and gear ahead of the group to the top.  Wow, you guys are really roughing it!

In addition to the Sherpas, a tech crew is sending “daily dispatches to the web via satellite so that we can engage people in the clean water issue during the climb itself.”  I’m not sure why since this climb has no ostensible connection to the creation or distribution of clean water.

When the celeb-climbers reach each camp they are greeted by fully prepared meals of grilled cheese, warm soup, and fried chicken prepared by the natives who have trekked up ahead to ensure the most luxurious camping accommodations possible for the spoiled twats.

Predictably, Emile Fucking Hirsch whines about the intolerable pain of his ingrown pubic hair.  Call in the Tanzanian National Guard Emile!

Santigold is so fucking cute and never complains, and  if you haven’t listened to her record Santogold that should really be your first priority today.

Isabel Lucas cries about being cold; bitch if you had some body fat you wouldn’t be freezing.  That is price you pay for having a BMI of 18. 

Biel guts it out and I’m floored she completes the mission with nary a complaint.  I have to begrudgingly give it to her, she has grit.

Mighty Mount Kilimanjaro mocks the group’s misguided attempt at philanthropy by throwing snow, sleet, and rain at these twats every step of the way.  Truthfully, I was hoping for a complete celebrity meltdown, and chances are there were a few that didn’t make it into the documentary, but in the end everybody nutted-up and reached the summit.

Even at the top of Kilimanjaro, I’m still not sure what the fuck this has to do with clean water and I’m not sure anybody else on this trip does either.  I’m left wondering, could the time and resources expended on this trip have been better used to distribute clean water packets, dig a well, or create a reservoir?  They don’t even ask for donations.  I hope this little documentary does “bring awareness to the clean water crisis,” but the best I can tell this was a pampered ass trek up Africa’s highest mountain by a bunch of misguided Americans.