Tag Archives: Jessica Simpson

Wedding Gown Rundown

JESSICA SIMPSON WEDDINGJessica Simpson wore custom Carolina Herrera.  It’s such a princess-y Jessica Simpson dress.  It is exactly what you’d expect her to wear.  I do like the candlelight color, the snatched waist, and the how the beading catches the light.  I don’t love the pattern of the beading on the skirt and the way it creates a weighty bedspread feeling to the bottom of the dress. JESSICA SIMPSON BRIDEOLIVIA PALERMOAlso in Carolina Herrera, I feel like Olivia Palermo is trying to be the hipster chick that wears Chuck Taylors to prom.  Like she’s above the fuss of an actual wedding dress.  She can only bother with a skirt and sweater (in the summer).  I offer you begrudging props for originality paired with an eyeroll, Palermo.  She looks way baked in this picture, no?  KANDI BURRESSKandi fucking Burruss.  Did you watch that hot fucking mess of a televised shitshow?  Coming to America, for real girl?  Today is just about dresses and this one makes me recall that line from Steel Magnolias, “Looks like two pigs fightin’ under a blanket.”  What do you expect from a designer who delivers your dress in a bedsheet?TAYLOR ARMSTRONGI threw Taylor Armstrong in here for a little Real Housewives compare and contrast.  She’s wearing Chagoury Couture.  The dress is dated; it’s giving me a very 1997 prom sensation. NAYA RIVERA REFLECTIONPoor Naya Rivera, attempting to bride her post-Big Sean pain away in Monique Lhuillier.  This dress is totally inappropriate for a Cabo wedding.  Could you imagine wearing all that lace and long sleeves in Mexico in the summerNAYA RIVERA WEDDING DRESSKALEY CUOCOKaley Cuoco opted for carnation pink Vera Wang.  I’m all for non-white, but this gown isn’t really that special.  The color borders on cloying. KATIE COURICCarmen Marc Valvo made Katie Couric’s dress for her ceremony in the Hamptons.  I know she’s nearing 60, but that has nothing to do with the bad cut, fabric, and color of this frock.  She could have looked a whole lot cuter, and it’s a damn shame she wore this disservice of a dress on such a blessed occasion.  KIM AND KANYEI actually like elements of Kim’s Givenchy dress, just not the part that looks like she’s wearing North’s bib.  The back is beautiful, especially with the totally impractical exaggerated veil.  For sure, that skinny white belt will be ripped off and all over the bridal runways next season – you heard it here first. KIM K WEDDING DAY

Sunday with Mom

4 for Friday

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Jessica Simpson had a big ass 9+ lbs baby girl aptly named Maxwell this week.  I think it is safe to say we all feel some collective relief knowing that intense gestation has come to a close.  These last few weeks looking at her behemoth belly has made me truly uncomfortable.  Think she will be able to meet her contractual obligations to Weight Watchers with a newborn baby?  Knowing what we do about Jessica, I wonder whether she’ll survive the early days of motherhood without substantial aid from her mom Tina.

Bethenny and Jason are completely screwed right?  If they are fighting this much on camera, what is happening off screen?  Just tell him to fuck off Bethenny.  You got your baby and more dough than you can spend.  Cut the dead weight and get a cabana boy.  Did you hear the rumor she hooked up with The Situation?  GROSS.Edvard Munch’s The Scream sold to an anonymous buyer for a record-breaking $120 million this week.  Is “anonymous buyer” code for Saudi Royal?Linda Evangelista was back in court this week seeking child support from billionaire baby daddy Francois-Henri Pinault.  Doesn’t he know she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day?  He’s getting a bargain rate at $46,000 a month.  

a whole mess of pregnant bitches

Is it me, or is everyone and her aunt pregnant right now? 

Really with the covers?  Snooks I get, but Reese, really?  I know Lainey thinks this is a PR strategy executed by Reese’s team.  If it is a PR stunt, it’s a shitty, boring, pathetic one.  This is beneath you Witherspoon.

Enough with the Demi redux. 

I’m not offended by the pregnant nudity, I’m repulsed by that dead fish look in her eyes.  Smize bitch. Kourtney shamelessly used her pregnancy as a diversionary tactic.  Don’t forget Uma’s change of life baby. 

3 for Friday: Cox Blox, Skky Repurposed, Retro Zoe

Cougar Town returned, but felt like a foregone canceled conclusion.  Did you catch Courteney Cox on The View with Josh Hopkins earlier this week?  She limply pimped Cougar Town’s return with the type of enthusiasm reserved for a funeral procession.  Poor optimistic Josh carried on charming Grandma Walters and her wicked chickens as if it mattered.  

Attended the home and garden show this week.  What do we think of this stuff?  It is made of 85% recycled glass, concrete, and some other binding agents.  It is sold under a variety of different brand names as an eco-alternative to marble and granite.  It is very durable, doesn’t off-gas, and is relatively low maintenance.  It is quite pricey though at around $100 a square foot installed.In a reality rewind, I’m getting ready to have laser corrected vision surgery which got me in the mood to watch Jessica and Nick on the Newlyweds.  Remember the episode when Jessica and Casey get Lasik and then hit Red Robin?  Anyway, I’m watching season 1 and low and behold if the self-anointed Queen of Style Rachel Zoe isn’t a lowly wardrobe assistant rushing over to blanket a whining Jessica Simpson in a plush bath robe between takes.  Best retro background sighting of the week.  In the same season background scenery, catch an even-leathery-back-then Robin Antin and Mikey Minden as a curly-tressed neophyte choreographer.

Sunday with Matrimony

Sunday with Santa

LABOR DAY

STYLEMAX

Sick of short and tight?  Try long and flowy.

Bold prints look current.

Great for traveling…

…or dressy summer nights.