Tag Archives: Jill Zarin

Bethenny’s Back at Bravo

BETHENNY AND ANDY COHENIn a last ditch effort to save the franchise, Bravo dug deep into their pockets to lure Bethenny Frankel back to the NYC Housewives next season.  Ugh.  Too little, too late, Bravo.  I have layered distaste for this desperate decision.  Yes, I do believe this stunt casting will temporarily spike the ratings, but after last season’s toilet ratings it would be hard to do worse.  Ramona’s implausible deniablility regarding the implosion of her marriage paired with that new basic blonde bitch made for a dud of a season.RAMONA

When it comes to Bethenny, what haven’t we seen her do?  We’ve watched her destroy friendships for fame, strike it rich, birth her daughter, exploit her marriage for ratings, divorce, and engage in a protracted nasty custody battle.  What do we have to look forward to?  Bethenny and her once-accused-rapist boyfriend walking hand and hand with little Bryn?  That should go over well.BETHENY MICHAEL BRYN

The main difference between the old Bethenny and new Bethenny is net worth.  Bethenny recounts that when she began with RHNY she was teetering towards broke.  Now she sitting on a pile of money looking down at everyone else.  This should create the most interesting shift in the dynamics among the women.  Filthy rich Bethenny has no reason to give a fuck about offending anyone.  I expect a deluge of snide criticism.  She doesn’t need the approval or allegiance of her castmates.  Her wealth keeps her good company.BETHENNY FRANKEL RICH

Rejoining an ensemble cast after a failed talkshow isn’t exactly a propulsive career move.  This is a woman who clearly wants her mug on the blogs whatever the cost to her dignity.  Apparently, it’s gotta be fame and fortune for Mizz Frankel.  It’s rumored one of the contingencies of Frankel agreeing to return was a no-Zarin clause which is unfortunate since Jill’s the only Housewife that could prove a worthy adversary to her former friend.



4 for Friday: shred. smelly. zarinostalgia. porch

SHREDDINGSDespite the fact I possess a doctorate degree, why is it physically impossible for me to empty a shredder without getting shreddings EVERYWHERE?  Every single time.  NO FARTHave you ever farted in your car, exited the car, and come back several hours later to find the fart is still waiting for you?RHNY S1I’m living for old reruns of the RHNY right now.  Those early days were truly the glory years of the franchise – when the most calculated move was renting a yellow Ferrari for summer in the Hamptons. JILL ZARINSometimes when my trash smells rank but the bag isn’t full, I put it on the porch and freeze it overnight.  When I bring it back in, it doesn’t smell anymore. FREEZER FRESH


Bethenny and Jason on the Rocks?

We’ve all been on quite a ride with Mizz Frankel haven’t we?  At first, in the earliest days of RHNY, I was sort of fond of her.  Perhaps she was just the least offensive member of an all-around offensive group, but for the most part we were rooting for her.  As her fame, brand, and wealth grew, so did her narcissism, impatience, greed, and need for control.  In my opinion, her merger with Jason was just that – a calculated business decision aimed at furthering her appeal to a larger (more lucrative) audience.  Along came Bryn, and with her new baby Bethenny had all the the perfect ingredients to market cocktails, shapewear, skin care, books, and more to eager moms.  Not to mention Bethenny leveraged her new role as “mommy” to snag sponsorship deals with major players like PampersFirst during Bethenny Getting Married? and later throughout Bethenny Ever After, the couple’s total incompatibility became full-on apparent.  This last season grew so uncomfortable, I couldn’t even find the humor and fun in writing my silly little recaps.  So it comes as no surprise that rumors are flying concerning both parties consulting divorce lawyers.With divorce rumblings comes financial talk.  Several lawyers were asked to comment on what Jason is likely to gain from the split.  Now, I ain’t one to gossip, but I heard that Bethenny pushed Jason to sign a pre-nup and a revised post-nuptial agreement.  Trust, her assets are protected.  Based on her upbringing and past behavior, I contend that Bethenny would not jeopardize her fortune or her daughter’s future for any man.  Along with the rest of you, I’ve been predicting the demise of this showmance for sometime.  During a recent episode, a morsel of information slipped out that only served to cement my hunch about their impending split.  Bethenny stated that Jason goes to church every Sunday.  Specifically, she said “Jason goes,” the inference being that she stays home and he goes without her.  That struck me as a profound proof of the distance between these two.  Consider how much bullshit Jason endures for Bethenny.  How many events must he attend where she is the “star,” and he is the purse-holding husband pushed off the step-and-repeat so the paps can get a clean shot of the money maker?  She can’t spend one hour in church with the man?  Look, I’m no Bible beater, but church might actually do Bethenny some good.  Even if it didn’t, it would show a willingness to support Jason and do something as a family that isn’t 100% focused on Bethenny.  The trouble with the current version of Bethenny is that everything in her life and the lives of her hired sycophants is Bethenny-centric.  Why do you think Julie left?  And let’s not even get into all the unnecessary conflict Frankel caused with Jason’s salt-of-the-Earth parents…And as for the infidelity rumors with Matt Hesse?  The two clearly have chemistry, and Bethenny eyes him with a particular undeniable gleam during their on-air interactions.  He knows she wants him and he’ll milk her sexual attraction to maximize his professional and financial future.  He’s a self-proclaimed modelizer.  Obviously fucking Bethenny is a resume builder, not a dick stiffener.  Let her taste a bit of her own overly acidic Skinnygirl medicine with this handsome opportunist.  As this plays out, I predict the following:  1) First, the couple will offer a wave of denials until a confidential agreement is locked down tight; 2) Jason will NOT end up with anything close to half of Bethenny’s fortune, but she will overpay on the pre-nup/post-nup to preserve and protect her privacy and misdoings;  3) She will hold off announcing the split until after she finds out if her 6 week trial run talk show gets picked up for a full season (it won’t).

RHNY: C’est Peaked

Let’s just acknowledge what is blatantly obvious: this sad run sucked from premiere to finale.  Without a central conflict or sincere connections between the ladies, RHNY suffered from RHOC syndrome this season.  Symptoms include ubiquitous fakery, forced scenes, and contrived melodrama. God bless a snotty gay.  Alex showed up for her first paid editorial for The Block.  After listing a string of third tier shows she walked in during fashion week, James the requisite homo elitist, subtly shamed her by repeating, “Perfect then, Perfect then,” in a bored and disdainful tone.  Who can blame him?  Alex’s total lack of self-awareness, paired with her whiny pageant dad Simon, makes her an unbelievably easy target for criticism.  BTW Simon, revealing your wife was chosen 3rd on US Weekly’s worst dressed list isn’t something to brag about in a room of fashion folk.  Though she did live up to the title later in the episode by wearing this utterly fug pink double-breasted short suit.Bravo aired teasers for the finale all week that hinted at a change-of-life baby for Ramona.  The preview giveaways meant to build excitement were dubious since everyone is well aware that at 55, the only change of life happening to Ramona is the retirement of her ovaries.  Bravo’s last ditch effort to salvage the season with engineered baby drama smacks of desperation.In another red-herring subplot, LuAnn and Jacques invited the whole crew to a celebration of their one year anniversary.  The fiesta was held on a boat ironically destined to sail around the Statute of Liberty, a monument presented to America by the Count’s ancestors, as Ramona pointedly reminded us in her personal interview segment.Once on board, Ramona pretended to break the potential pregnancy news to Mario.  Then she and Sonja flitted off to the “head” like two leopard-clad sorority sisters with an eightball.  Sonja conveniently supplied the EPT (how much did they pay for that product placement?), and Ramona supplied the urine.Sensible Jill (relatively speaking) immediately called bullshit and didn’t hesitate to introduce the more obvious explanation of menopause to account for Ramona’s cyclical irregularity.For some unbeknownst reason (did Cohen offer her a kidney?), Natalie Cole agreed to make a cameo and sing a duet with LuAnn.  Fake-ass LuAnn wouldn’t know Natalie Cole from Natalie Merchant, but she pretended to fawn all over the singer when initially introduced by her opportunistic producer.Natalie sang decent, LuAnn sounded nervously pitchy, and Simon looked downright bitchy during the performance.While Jill was hoping for the party to culminate in an engagement announcement, the limp-dick gathering just petered out without any big reveals from either LuAnn or Ramona.If you are attached to this group of ladies, don’t miss the reunion next week.  Chances are it will be the last time you see this ensemble on Cohen’s confrontational couches.  This pathetic excuse for a season proved the NYC franchise is begging to be recast.  At this point, any change would serve as a welcomed improvement.

RHNY: Video Killed the Reality Star

After finishing up her next hit single, Chic, C’est la Vie, LuAnn invited all her fellow castmates to join her in shooting a video in Atlantic City.  To her amazement, not all the ladies jumped at the opportunity.Ramona was first to raise objections to appearing in the video, claiming she didn’t feel it would be a good example for Avery.  First receptive to the idea of appearing, Sonja chose not to participate after listening to Ramona’s anti-video spiel while the two barely broke a sweat on the treadmills at Equinox.Alex articulated her reasons for not participating in the video to Simon & company over a backyard Brooklyn wienie roast.  After pretentiously describing her oil-rich Kansas upbringing, she declared that her family’s social preeminence prevented her from even mentioning the word “class” let alone appearing in a video purporting to embody the four letter word.  The McCords are Kansas society dontcha know?Since these bitches will film anything, Sonja joined Jill at the Path Medical Center.  BTW, what the fuck is on Jill’s head?  When the topic of the video shoot at the Borgata came up, Sonja fed Jill a bunch of unconvincing good-mommy bullshit which Jill immediately saw through.  Jill tried her best to convince, cajole, and bully Sonja into hitting up Atlantic City, but Ramona’s influence over Sonja won out in the end.  Ultimately, Sonja refused to cave to Jill’s pressure.In one of the most awkward and tense lunches of the season, Ramona and LuAnn met at Madison & Vine to discuss Ramona’s non-participation in the video.  Rather than politely decline the cameo, Ramona insinuated she was a better role model and parent than LuAnn.  Without acknowledging the lingering questions surrounding her own relationship, Ramona continued to dig at LuAnn’s parenting style.  Once she brought up the Count’s philandering, LuAnn was understandably out the door.  Glass houses Ramona, glass houses.In an effort to mend fences, Sonja invited Cindy over for toaster-oven egg brunch.  The meal took place mid-week so Cindy brought along her assistant and took a conference call just as the food emerged.  It was super rude of Cindy to take the call and shush Sonja in her own home.  If you are too busy for brunch, don’t come.  Furthermore, I’m sure a conversation about pubic hair removal can wait until after the mid-day meal.Once in Atlantic City, Jill was the only Housewife that showed up for the first day of filming the Chic video.  Bensimon showed briefly for a few shots on day two.  Unflattering makeup, unexciting clothes, bad hair, cheesy location, and a moronic song pretty much guaranteed the whole thing would be a hot mess.  And it was.

To ensure they too got some air time this week, Ramona, Avery, Alex, and Sonja went to a hip-hop lesson, which was easily the most embarrassing five minutes of the season for everyone involved. Alex and Simon hosted an art thing in Brooklyn, and since Ramona and Sonja didn’t go to Atlantic City to shoot the video they deigned to cross the bridge.  The Manhattanites took turns dissing the borough and acted like they’d been forced to endure a trek to a developing nation.  Sonja accidentally flashed a little nip upon arrival, and the excitement level pretty much plummeted from there.Next week the finale puts this sleepy season to bed for good.  Can the show be salvaged with this group of ladies or will Bravo toss the whole lot and recast for next year?

RHNY: Suck a Golden Dick

Bravo served up another week of mismatched footage, proving the decision to extend filming has failed to provide a narrative arc so desperately needed this season.  The thesis of this week’s episode was burlesque by way of Sonja and all that it implies. But first, we got a little mother-daughter bonding courtesy of Ramona & Avery, LuAnn & Victoria, and Jill & Ally.

Jill slummed it on the commuter train to visit Ally in Bronxville where she attends college (Sarah Lawrence?) in the affluent suburb.  Ally might be my fav among the RHNY offspring, but her meat-eating vegetarian speech was super annoying.  Chicken is not a vegetable people!  If you eat chicken, fish, or any other creature you are NOT a vegetarian.  That’s like saying you’re Kosher except for your penchant for cheeseburgers.Avery met up with Ramona for the UES equivalent of an afterschool snack.  Much like Mario, Avery’s got Ramona completely hosed.  With syrupy inflection, Avery read aloud a gushing school report she allegedly wrote about Ramona.  Three reasons why this appeared to be complete bullshit: 1) the assignment was far too elementary to have actually been assigned to a high school sophomore at one of the most competitive prep schools in NYC; 2) no 16 year-old cites her mother as her hero without ulterior motive; 3) Avery’s phony-ass delivery smacked of Bravo/Ramona coercion.

The Countess took Victoria for a driving lesson in an icy parking lot.  After relaying the basics, LuAnn proved she’s not all boring when she let Victoria hit the gas and zoom from one end to the other.

After some more bland filler, Sonja’s burlesque NYE party commenced.  The cast spent the first portion of the party complimenting and then nit-picking each other’s outfits.  Most of the audience spent several minutes trying to deduce whether “Tina” was a dude or a chick. Of course Sonja did a number.  She felt compelled to talk through the performance and throw out little digs at her castmates.  Jill and Barshop huddled in the audience trading barbs of their own.  It was here that Cindy finally earned her salary and showed a modicum of wit when she delivered the zinger of the season.  Sonja busted out the phrase “money can’t buy you class,” in reference to the Countess, and Barshop turned to Jill and said…

“Sucking a golden dick doesn’t either.”

RHNY: vadge-arty party

Rumors of certain cast mates (Cindy & Alex) getting dropped from next season have been swirling in the gossip stew for a little while now.  This week’s especially dull episode proved that a RHNY retool is required and not just recommended. The oh-so-selfless Ramona decided to follow up Avery’s major birthday bash with a fête of her own.  In order to seem a little less narcissistic, she secretly included Sonja (also celebrating a birthday) as a guest of honor.  Even though Kelly considers herself the fakery-enforcement, she ohhed and ahhed over Ramona’s artificially flavored speech and her tacky home-printed invites.  Alex spent the scene trying to angle her face and body in the most flattering light to secure maximum camera time.  Both Alex and Kelly annoyingly gushed over Ramona’s idea like it was a new born baby.Without segue or warning, we’re thrown into Barshop pushing Vajewels in a dimly-lit space.  Without gloves, tables, or any equipment, Cindy and her staff applied sparkles to the nether regions of both male and female attendees.  Like tinsel and feather hair extensions, this juvenile trend belongs on trashy twats under 25.  For grown-ass women, these gimmicks are gross, lame and desperate.  The evening peaked when Kelly took a crystal destined for poon and placed it on the mole on her face, which resulted in her looking like she’d been muff-diving at Scores.At the vadge-arty party, Simon slid his buns down next to Jill and asked for a one-on-one Diet Coke date so  Simon could get some screen time this season the two could settle their differences.  His direct approach made it difficult for Jill to initially say no, so she agreed to a later meeting.  After Simon departed, Jill turned to Kelly who convinced her to cancel the Jill-Simon exclusive.  Without adequately considering the fall-out, Jill approached Simon and retracted her participation.  Her reasoning was sound for rejecting the offer, and as she prattled on Simon’s embarrassment ripened.  Rather than admit he’d overstepped, he cautioned Jill to “Watch out!” and the two shot off in different directions to seek reinforcement from their respective camps.Poor Sonja’s just trying to get through the season while hiding her destitution.  Bless her heart, she’s been wearing all black hoping we won’t notice all her clothes are ten years old.  Faced with an obstructed pipe and no weekend staff, Sonja called a hunky plumber.  Lacking the funds to pay the professional and not getting the vibe that plumber Paul would accept a BJ in exchange,  Sonja stuck her own ungloved hand down the commode and recovered a toilet paper-covered blackberry.  Even Paul looked skeeved, and he handles shit professionally.Later, guests arrived at the joint birthday fiesta Ramona planned for herself and SonjaSimon boldly rocked a cheongsam which confused the fuck out of the coat-check guy.Ramona demanded everyone “toe the line” with white roses in hand to greet Sonja like some fucked-up version of the Bachelor.  When Sonja arrived, Ramona insisted she remove her coat.  Underneath, Sonja wore a silver metallic dress just like Ramona.  Surprise!  We’re twins!  Fucking gross yo.So let’s discuss the weird vibe between Mario and SonjaSonja mentioned in Morocco that she knew things about Mario.  Have these two fucked?  They totally act like they fucked.Alex and Kelly met up for brunch.  Kelly’s strategy was to pretend like she was the spokesbitch from the council of concern.  She then gripped her coffee mug in one hand and requested that Alex temper Simon’s “mean-tweeting.”After several seasons together, we know how Alex and Simon roll.  Alex responded predictably by telling Kelly to take her problem up with Simon.Kelly broke out her favorite adjectives “creepy, inappropriate, and odd.”Like clockwork, Alex got splotchy, Kelly got nasally, and neither one ceded much ground. Kelly must be stealing one liners from her gays because calling Simon Alex’s “pageant dad” is way too clever to be a bensimon original.



Ramona’s daughter Avery and LuAnn’s daughter Victoria both celebrated their 16th birthday on the same night this week.  The first segment skipped back and forth between scenes of overbearing, bratty Avery making demands of her planners, and a vacant Victoria abdicating complete control to hers.Avery nixed a series of ideas from the pushy planner.  Her worst fear seemed to be that the event would feel “bat mitzvah.”  Like most girls their age, both wanted a 21st birthday disguised as a 16th.Prying must run in the family because Jill’s sister couldn’t resist offering unsolicited legal advice to Sonja about her bankruptcy.  Forcing this conversation in Wexler’s waiting room was gross and uncomfortable.But not nearly as gross and uncomfortable as watching Dr. Wexler deliver a series of painful injections around the perimeter of Jill’s face.LuAnn threw a surprise party for Jill’s birthday.  When Ramona arrived, she and LuAnn discovered that their daughters’ birthday parties not only fell on the same night, they also shared the same theme!  Faux Frost Pas.Jill’s nearest and dearest attention-seeking castmates each took turns hogging the spotlight.  First Barshop did some weird poetry reading in a headpiece claiming to evoke Josephine Baker, but her outfit reflects that she had no actual knowledge of Josephine Baker.Then Kelly used her toast time at the mic to repeatedly point out that she was late and apologize to the uninterested crowd.  Ramona donned a red wig and impersonated Jill complaining about the size of her diamonds.  Self-serving LuAnn headed up the rear in full showgirl regalia singing a dragish tribute to Jill that had the crowd searching for her Adam’s Apple.Simon can’t quite quit smoking for good, so he hired a hypnotist to externally lobotomize his nicotine craving.  Like any good junkie, he had to go out for one last fix.  When he returned, Jacob put him under and repeatedly yelled “you are a non-smoker!” in an unidentifiable accent.Ramona checked into the party venue and panicked when she realized her precious Pinot hadn’t arrived.  She kept slurring “seriously” to convey the urgency of the issue to the staff.  From outside appearances, the only serious problem is the one Ramona seems to have with drinking.Both parties were impressive and very different.  Avery went with an all white wedding reception feel, and Victoria went with a downtown clubby vibe.  Ramona admitted she spent more on this party than she has on any other – even on herself and Mario.  Despite the monster budget, Jill couldn’t procure a cocktail napkin, not even from the bartender.In comparing the two parties, Victoria’s seemed more fun (she for sure had the better dress).  Rather than leverage her daughter’s birthday for her own side fiesta, LuAnn left early to bang Jacques and allowed Victoria to finish the night with her friends.  Lest we forget when you’re 16, the great parties aren’t the expensive ones; they are the ones with the least amount of parental supervision.

RHNY: slowburn

Many of you spent the first commercial break on your knees in front of the toilet after Bravo forced us to endure more contrived MILF-themed sexy times between Alex & Simon, Ramona & Mario, and LuAnn & Jacques.Simon and Alex conjured disgust trying to create mood with clichéd shellfish and lingerie aphrodisiacs.  Though it was toast-worthy that: 1) Simon fetched Alex at the airport with roses; and 2) they are one of the few happily married couples in the franchise.Ramona spread rose petals and waited for Mario to finish up with his mistress arrive.  After an awkward greeting, Ramona shared the fortuneteller’s prediction about Mario’s philandering.  Here’s his face right after Ramona broke the news.  Does he betray any guilt on that smug mug?Ramona set up an easy out, and he of course took the obvious Avery route.  Ramona sopped up every drop without hesitation.  Mmmdenialmmmdelicious.Mario looked thrilled and relieved he was off the hook.  Almost like he couldn’t believe he’d gotten so lucky….

Nobody gives a fuck about flaky Barshop, but Sonja’s wicked slowburn was uncovered by Cindy while flipping through the photos from Morocco.  Sonja cut her out of every one!  “Let’s just say revenge is best served cold and I enjoyed every moment of cutting her out of the pictures.  And I’m going to own it 100%.”News broke that Sonja filed bankruptcy on some mess of an investment she made in some unfinished, ill-conceived film project.  Already informed by the Wall Street Journal, Alex creased her brow, tilted her head, and inquired in a faux-caring tone, “How are you?”  The very sound of the question made Sonja want to leap across the table and slap her in the well-meaning face just to clear the echo of the rude intrusion.Enter Jill, who joined Alex in intensely and invasively interrogating Sonja about her private financial dealings.  Jill actually had the nerve to try and “explain” Sonja’s debts to her based on her extensive gossip column research.  Sonja should have shut it down from the get; her money ain’t none these bitches’ biznass anyway.The Cuntess cruised in and completed the coven.  The purpose of the gathering was that Jill invited everyone but Ramona (and Kelly who didn’t show) to preview her shapewear line.  Neither Bethenny nor Jill’s collections seem to bring any new colors or styles to the compression undergarment scene.  How many Spanx knock-offs does the world need?After the girdle summit, Alex met up with RamonaAlex wasted no time in tattling that Jill had excluded Ramona from the panty party.  Ramona was predictably and naturally pissed.  However, ultimately all of this was overshadowed by Ramona’s deformed (she had it coming) Gelfling-esque upper lip which completely dominated the entire scene.Alex is hellbent on creating as many on-screen opportunities as possible this season, so she invited the Cuntess to coffee under the pretense of clearing the air over their argument in Morocco.  Eager to deliver an obviously rehearsed monologue, Alex dispensed with the small talk and launched into a lengthy and unnecessary introduction before Miss Manners interrupted her. Clouded by fame-seeking, once again, Alex’s strategy backfired and left her showing her ass.  The Cuntess couldn’t give a royal fart over outer-borough Alex.  Even though Alex and Simon probably ran lines in preparation, Alex was still tongue-tied and outmatched in bitchery.  Her best moment was calling LuAnn rude in response to an aesthetic attack on her footwear.  Predictably, the curtain closed when the Cuntess swept out with a flourish of the cape and a flip of her duck-butt hair.