LuAnn and Sonja met up for lunch and pretended to just stumble upon the idea of a girls trip to Morocco that was so obviously planned and underwritten by Bravo. Sonja and LuAnn divided the duty of extending invitations to the other Housewives. In the course of the conversations that followed about Morocco, here are a few ignorant gems that passed the ladies’ lips.
“It’s like going to Paris. I mean Paris it’s not, but it’s a very sophisticated city.” (LuAnn claims to have visited Morocco several times; you’d think she’d know it was a country, not a city.)
“I’m a little concerned. It’s a third world country. They don’t respect women. I love my family. I don’t want to go away and end up not coming back.” Fear not Ramona, the Kingdom of Morocco will not hesitate to return you.
Even though they don’t serve Pinot Grigio, Ramona met up with LuAnn at Alice’s Teacup. The Cuntess laid into Ramona over shit that didn’t concern her. This offensive tactic sent Ramona spinning down a defensive dark rabbit hole.
Lady Morgan allegedly landed a toaster oven cookbook deal? The promotional photo shoot took place at her musty townhouse. Kelly stopped by to add her editorial viewpoint, lest we forget about her reign at Elle Accessories. Bensimon got more than she bargain for when Sonja “accidentally” flashed her cooch while writhing about on her dining room table like Tawny Kitaen on the hood of the car in the Whitesnake video.
The cliques split for two totally different spa trips. Barshop, still trying to buy her way in, bankrolled a trip to the ultra swank Canyon Ranch for Kelly, Jill, and LuAnn. To add a layer of cream cheese frosting to the already over the top gesture, embroidered robes awaited the ladies upon arrival. Jill couldn’t wait to open her present and did so in the lobby.
The Cuntess responded by pretentiously snipping, “Really darling, I mean never open a gift in the middle of a hotel lobby.”
While Canyon Ranch offered drum circles and massages, Ramona hosted a different kind of spa visit back in NYC at Dr. Giese’s office. Rudemona summed up her intention with this zinger: “…if you know something great, share it, so I invited both Sonja and Alex to come with me… Let’s face it, they could use a few touch ups.” 
Alex got dermaplaning (Ed note: this interests me), Sonja got VelaShape, and Ramona got a neck full of Botox. 
Without a hint of irony, the ladies all met up for an anti-bullying rally that Jill hosted. Ramona brought a case of her eponymous Pinot Grigio that was supposed to be for auction, but upon arrival she shouted at multiple members of the wait staff to crack it open and bring her a glass immediately.
Once the Cuntess arrived in a flutter of self-complimentary praise, it was immediately on between her and Ramona over David Meister of all things. Holy fuck this show is D-List, this shit is way more D-List than Kathy Griffin ever was, right? The Cuntess has her twat in a knot because Ramona blacklisted her at Meister. Ramona admitted she’d laid exclusive claim to wearing the rich woman’s Jessica McClintock, and LuAnn called the move “bitchy.” It’s no mystery why LuAnn’s drifting from Ungaro; since the Lindsay debacle things at the fashion house still haven’t recovered.
Under the guise of concern, the ladies gossiped through the runway show about Ramona’s excessive day drinking. During an emotional speech by Jill’s stepdaughter, Ramona rattled around in the background trying to procure more of her precious wine for herself the table. When Jill went to investigate the ruckus, Ramona slurred another character-consistent misspeak by describing Jill’s stepdaughter as “deformed.” Minutes later she snapped at the designer’s daughter to clear empty glasses before Alex scurried over in damage control mode.
Next week we’ll learn whether Ramona smuggled a few cases of Pinot to Morocco, or if she tried to white knuckle through the forced, tension-filled, faux-fun girls trip.
Ramona kicked off this week’s episode with a photo shoot aimed at creating promotional shots for her numerous products. Suffice it to say that Ramona’s as good in front of the camera as she is on the runway.
The true star of this week’s episode, Chris March, dropped by Sonja’s dated townhouse to revive a fetid wig and costume for her upcoming masquerade ball.
A sick Jill met LuAnn at the costume shop to select their attire for Lady Morgan’s Grand Masquerade Ball. LuAnn appropriately gravitated towards the “saloon whore” look.
We met Kevin, Cindy’s bland babydaddy. He’s giving us a bit of a grown Dan Humphrey vibe, right?
Later on at Sonja’s, Chris returned with the slightly enhanced corset and magnificently transformed wig. Mayjah fucking wig.
The Cuntess called off sick. She either contracted the bitch fever from Jill, or she and the French Fonze were recreating Patty and Graham’s Halloween Rapunzel moment from My So-Called Life.
The weight of the wig must have restricted the blood flow to Sonja’s brain because she claimed she “forgot” her petticoat which resulted in her serving cottage-cheese ass as an unexpected appetizer at her otherwise sparsely catered soiree.
Jill reported that Sonja had a nice handprint sized bruise on her ass cheek. Lady Morgan likes a spanking!
At Serafina, Ramona hosted a launch party for her new vino. She ran into Jennifer, whose wedding was the backdrop for mucho drama earlier in the season. Jennifer is clearly angling to be RHNYC‘s version of Jersey’s Kim G. She needled her way into the drama by working Ramona up into a frenzy over some comments Jill made at Jennifer’s wedding reception.
When Jill arrived, Ramona pulled her aside to confront her about the accusations. Jill shifted the blame to another guest and got defensive. The two started screaming at each other in a staged scene before Jill dramatically stormed out.
On the way out, Jill conveniently ran into Jennifer and the two squashed the beef in about two minutes. With renewed courage, Jill returned to the gathering and reignited Ramona’s crazed shrieking.
When Jill subtly gestured to Ramona’s wine class and said “you need help, I’m serious..” Ramona made a hasty retreat, sobered by the threat of public exposure of her drinking problem. As if we all don’t already know that shit. We watch Ramona embalm herself in Pinot Grigio at every opportunity. As we learned last week, failure to provide Pinot results in automatic forfeiture of friendship. 
Ramona Singer + Kim Richards + Celebrity Rehab = Epic Awesomeness
Sonja orchestrated a détente between Kelly and Ramona at Geisha where they both confessed to each other their mutual anxiety over the meeting. Kelly served up the same I’m-42-and-don’t-have-time-for-this speech, and Ramona responded with apologizing for texting under the spell of the vino.
Cindy joined Sonja for tea time at her townhome and read her to filth for telling Kelly about her reconciliation scheme and failing to provide Ramona’s precious Pinot Grigio in Quogue. Without mincing words, Sonja swiftly leveled Barshop with the following zinger:
Ramona hosted a jewelry pimping party where she served her namesake Pinot Grigio in Cougar Town-sized goblets. Despite her efforts to intoxicate the crowd, there wasn’t enough Pinot in Manhattan to trick anyone into thinking that hideous display was cute.
The Cuntess flexed her already well-toned condescension muscle by probing Ramona over the origins of her eponymous Pinot Grigio. Ramona butchered the pronunciation of Veneto, and the Cuntessa unsurprisingly relished in the opportunity to correct her. The Cuntess remarked that Ramona can drink all the Pinot Grigio in the world and it won’t make her a wine expert. Yeah, well fucking a wine distributor doesn’t exactly make you an expert either LuAnn.
A toaster oven feast awaited LuAnn and Kelly over in Sonja’s kitchen. Gathered around the island, the apparent irony of a high-end gourmet stove sitting cold and unused in the background went completely unnoticed by the three women.
Jill took her Yom Kippur spirit to Brooklyn to make amends with Alex over transgressions which accumulated between the two over the last year. Gifts in hand, Jill tried to break the ice with compliments, but ended up accidently dishing an unintentional insult instead. Alex listened to Jill’s mea culpa with guarded ear, but confessed later she still didn’t trust her because of hateful things Jill said about Simon and her boys. Specifically, Alex mentioned that Jill called Alex’s children animals. Animal or not, we can all agree there is something going on with Francois, non?
The meal ended early when the two hit an impasse. Ramona took a cue from the Cuntess and dished a side-order of condescension which caused Cindy to completely withdraw into her martini. After a few minutes of awkward silence, Ramona excused herself from the lunch, and the two parted with their relationship in shambles.
We met up with LuAnn and a teenage Victoria in the Hamptons. Victoria reassured the Countess that she was perfectly fine with the weekend mommy arrangement. LuAnn took her daughter’s permission to play Sex and the City with a sigh of relief. Big surprise a 15 year old doesn’t want her mom around. Internet scandal involving sweet little Victoria in 3…2…1…
Sonja joined Kelly in the Hamptons for a ride at the amazingly impeccable Wölffer Estate Stables. Kelly tried to show off, even though her riding skills aren’t particularly impressive. Kelly triggered Sonja’s competitive streak, emboldening her to try and match Kelly canter for canter. Her over-confidence resulted in a humbling ass-first dismount into a pile of horseshit.
LuAnn, Sonja, and Barshop debated the merits of Quogue where Barshop planned a riding party of her own. In the course of the conversation, Sonja and LuAnn revealed that they didn’t receive evites to the event and a wave of panic swept Barshop’s face. Then Sonja made a jab about putting Completely Bare emails in her junk folder, and that pretty much set the hot wax on that relationship. Now how long until Barshop tears a strip of Sonja’s ass, or will it be the other way around?
One glass of Pinot Grigio later, Ramona mounted a sanctimonious high-horse of her own by making critical digs about LuAnn’s parenting style, calling her a “Weekend Mom.”
Barshop stirred the horseshit by pulling Kelly aside under the pretext of warning her not to bring her children to Sonja’s upcoming soiree. The whole exchange really made no sense because Ramona was there at LuAnn’s, would be at Quogue later, and therefore would have numerous opportunities to confront Kelly with or without Sonja’s meddling.
At the controversial Quogue party, Ramona demanded Pinot Grigio and a trusty mount immediately. She had something critical to say about everything from the food to her lack of autonomy while riding. After turning her nose up at every aspect of the party, Ramona pressed Kelly to talk about the stupid fight they are in that no one cares about. Kelly learned her lesson with Bethenny a couple seasons back and steadfastly rebuffed Ramona’s efforts to engage her.
Ramona joined the other ladies already seated around a table. Barshop stirred the shit again when she mentioned a brunch Kelly was hosting the next day from which Ramona was excluded. Rude people love to call other people rude, and Ramona couldn’t help but call Kelly out on the social faux pas.
Ramogre stomped around the party in search of a new victim when Howard, Cindy’s brother, caught her eye. She approached him and insisted that they have a conversation about the weird cigar moment at the wedding from earlier this season. Like Kelly, Howard also tried to deflect Ramona’s attempts at a confrontation by pointing out that his elderly father was sitting at the table behind them. Howard politely refused several times and eventually just straight up turned his back and ignored her. Barshop noticed the scene and stepped in to pull Ramona away.
The convoluted cigar conflict is still incomprehensible. The whole thing started with Ramona owing an apology and now she’s demanding one? Is it clear to anyone why she is so upset?
All this horseshit makes me actually miss Jill. Thankfully, she returns next week.
Blonderexic Alex seems determined to earn her salary this season by working unnecessary drama into every social encounter. Alex described Jill’s totally neutral hello as “incredibly aggressive.” What’s incredibly aggressive is Alex’s shameless grab for camera time. On the way out, Alex invited the group to the equality march across the Brooklyn Bridge in full bridal regalia.
Ramona and Sonja headed downtown under the pretense of attending an art benefit co-hosted by new cast member Cindy. Successful IVF mother of two and owner of a string of waxing salons, Cindy claims to have it all and not need a man.
The rest of the crones arrived in different pairs. Alex got iced out of a few photographs and coped by drowning her pain in free champagne. Her self-conscious hovering smacks of effort. I wish effort would smack her back.
Once Jill got wind of Cindy’s test tube twins, she had to know every detail about their conception. First she grilled Kelly, and when that well dried she went right to the source. When Cindy joined the circle, Jill prefaced her intense inquisition by saying, “Would it be too personal if I asked a couple of questions?”
Ramona 
In the Hamptons, Ramona hosted Alex and Simon for an overnight since all four planned to attend a wedding together. Over bagels, the busted blonde broads prematurely gloated at the idea of Jill not knowing Alex would be at the event.
Ramona and Alex must have shared a crack pipe before they got dressed because they both showed up to a wedding in white/ivory. Both looked fug and so wrong. They might as well have given the bride the finger. Furthermore, considering Bethenny and Jill are both in the shapewear business now, it’s a mystery why Alex can’t grasp the concept of a proper undergarment. After the ceremony, Ramona added fuck-up to faux pas when she was overheard talking shit about some other guests (including Cindy’s brother?), thereby causing offense and tense embarrassment.
Alex cornered Jill and needled her over lending her name to the equality march but not participating in it. Throughout the afternoon Jill stewed over the confrontation. Later, when she took shade with two other ladies, she unleashed on Alex, calling her a “fucking bitch.” Proving she hasn’t changed much, Jill followed it up by saying, “Look at her. She is socializing at a party that is so above her.”
Alex and Ramona joined the group, and Alex reignited her pecking over whether Jill knew she was going to be at the wedding. It was a meaningless point to press and just made Alex look petty, desperate, and attention-seeking.
Ramona swept the event with an impressive three party fouls. The final one occurred when Ramona dug her finger into the previously unmolested wedding cake.
Reality stars pretty much follow the same pattern. The first season of any show is always a little delightfully rough around the edges. Cast members, lacking in self-awareness, most resemble their true selves (and in turn, the audience). During this golden period of sincerity, humanity’s basest tendencies – envy, narcissism, and deceit – inevitability elbow their way into the spotlight. This makes for excellent television. See the first cycle of America’s Next Top Model, The Real Housewives franchises, first seasons of Project Runway, Flipping Out, Top Chef, The Real World, and many other series for prime examples.
Once the first season airs and folks get plunged into a freezing cold tub of disembodied self-analysis, it forever obliterates the unguarded, pre-reality show personality. Polished and molded by seasons of criticism, Alex and Simon now avoid overtly discussing their social climbing aspirations. Are Alex and Simon even less genuine for having abandoned their original insincerity?
By season three, staged dramatics, behind-the-scenes backstabbing, and spin-off angling is in full effect. Nearly everyone succumbs to the self-important pseudo-celebrity syndrome.
Rumors swirl as to why the premiere of RHNYC has been delayed, but the only logical inference is that the footage lacked. Bethenny alone didn’t make the show, but her burgeoning breakout stardom created legitimate jealous friction last season. With Frankel spun out, Bravo should recast the entire show. What about…. A newly engaged Dylan Lauren? Designer Erin Fetherston? Paulina Porizkova is probably available, and throw in Sherri Shepard for comic flavor. 
With Taylor gone, I feared The Rachel Zoe Project had lost its teeth. With the addition of A-listers like Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway however, RZP fulfilled the behind-the-scene celebrity styling promise that in seasons past it had failed to keep.
Mad Men somehow managed to improve upon perfection. Season four was the best so far for the impeccably written, acted, and styled period drama. The finale left a huge gaping hole in Sundays.
We’re seven episodes into a meandering kidnapping plot on Sons of Anarchy and it pales in comparison to last season’s tightly constructed story anchored by a brilliant Katey Sagal. Get it together boys. Though we all appreciated the stunt casting of Stephen King, you only have a few episodes left to salvage this season. 
Admit it, this once-brilliant show has been circling the drain for awhile. At this point, it is beyond salvation. Once the Botwin’s left the construct of suburbia, the show’s concept fell apart. Where is Elizabeth Perkins? Romany Malco? This show deserves double demerits for dropping some of its best cast — without explanation — along the way. 
Schwartz and Savage are the poster children for squandered opportunity. First with the O.C., and now with Gossip Girl, the overrated duo begin with a great concept and then proceed to completely mismanage its potential. The first season of Gossip Girl sizzled; since then, it has gone from lukewarm to completely irrelevant. At this point, Degrassi has more edge.
Bravo wrung every last drop out of this season of the RHNY, finally putting it to rest by airing unseen clips repackaged as “lost footage.”
Sonja accompanied Ramona to get her sweat glands eradicated by ultrasound. Note the Tru Renewal in the waiting room, even Dr. Giese is on the payroll. 
Sonja turned gray as Dr. Giese jabbed a metal rod in and out of Ramona’s armpit. Sonja compared the scene to a veal chop, and Ramona replied that she was getting hungry. The staff brought Sonja a juice box to help her through the trauma of witnessing the gruesome procedure. 
The nausea continued to build as we followed Jill and Bobby into Chopard. Jill fixated on a rose gold 1.79 diamond carat watch (conservatively $25-30,000.00) whining like Veruca Salt that “she waaaanted it!” Hoping to extend her good fortune, she requested the salesmen bring over a necklace too! When the salivating salesmen brought over a 10 carat flawless diamond ring priced at $3.7 million, Bobby started to turn as gray as Sonja did during Ramona’s surgery. Jill declared she always gets screwed because her birthday, the holidays, and their anniversary come one after another and she gets “combined gifts.” Yeah, combined gifts worth over $30,000!
Sonja apparently got her liposuction, and Kelly stopped by to see her in her post-operative convalescence. Kelly brought Sonja a “cleanse” to inspire her to take better (non-surgical) care of herself. Kelly then got all sanctimonious and said, “I want you to tell your daughter that you were too lazy to work out and got liposuction.” Preach Kelly! P.S. if you want to see some sloppy-ass editing watch this scene again, the cleanse is on the bed in a shot before Kelly gives it to Sonja. This shit is totally The Hills, cougar-style.
Kelly and Ramona worked out together in St. John. Kelly kept the elliptical on level three as she talked Ramona’s ear off. Ramona ignored her while she tried to concentrate on her five lbs shoulder presses. Kelly, a genetic freak at six feet tall, has no idea of what it takes to maintain a real woman’s body. Nice forearm plank Ramona, werk!
Sonja, Jen, Alex, and Simon gathered in Times Square for the reveal of Bethenny’s I’d Rather Go Naked campaign. Whatever. PETA is so super fucking hypocritical I can’t even get started, but that’s a discush for another day. 
Bethenny annoyingly mugged for the cameras as Sonja confessed her jealousy by admitting she wished she was up there. Sonja’s honesty is so unusual and refreshing, no?
Most of the girls showed for Ramona’s birthday party at the Chat Noir. Kelly and Jill took it upon themselves to rearrange the place cards. Ramona lost her shit because it was a rude and presumptuous move. That said, can we just sit where we want to sit please? Enough with the control-freak seating chart shit – it’s so antiquated.
We wrapped at the Reunion where we learned the Countess has a record deal, Kelly’s working on some top-secret shit, Jill got a hobby – a bedding line, Sonja’s returning to her relaxed lifestyle, Silex is working a summer book tour, Ramona’s enjoying her renewal, and Bethenny declared now it’s all about Bryn and Jason. I think this is the last time we will see this incarnation of the ladies together. Adieu materialistic shrews, we will miss you. 
Off the bat we got a juicy bit of gossip regarding the St. John trip. Apparently, Kelly was asked to leave and was escorted home by a producer back to the mainland. Kelly got bounced from Scary Island ya’ll. 
Kelly returned from her self-imposed time out and continued to play the victim card. In a never ending tautology, Sonja, Ramona, and Bethenny denied picking on her, and Kelly continued to accuse them of bullying. Ramona yelled at her like she was deaf, “NO ONE WAS MEAN TO YOU!” However, no amount of reasoning, yelling, or gesticulation appeared to sway the perpetual hair twirler’s perspective.
Ramona yelled at Jill for not apologizing upon arrival and got a little showy with her charade skills in the process. 
Sonja commented that while they did throw out a friend, it was rude for Jill to show up unannounced. It is rude to show up without calling, but when a guest arrives you really need to make the best of it. As Kelly would say, make lemons out of lemonade. 
Countess LuAnn proved elegance is learned when she spoke frankly about the challenges of the last couple years. She refused to directly comment on the infidelity rumors, but I don’t think we care if she boinked behind the Count’s back. The smug, anti-Semitic prick probably deserved it. Please note, however, no matter how intense things get, the Countess NEVER cries. That bitch has one stiff upper lip. 
Kelly Bensimon reminds us why models really should keep their pie holes shut. Kelly, as a model, peaked eons ago, but that was her contribution. That’s really all she has to give, so you really shouldn’t be surprised she’s a moron. When Andy rolled her montage, all the scenes of her nonsense pieced together emphasized the depth of her idiocy. She ain’t crazy; she’s just really, really, dumb. 
The reunion trifecta ended with Jill pathetically pleading with Bethenny for a hug. Jill repeated “I really miss you,” through tears, to which Bethenny coldly responded, “I know.”
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