Tag Archives: Joey

why no zoe?

I apologize.  I watched the last two episodes several times and tried to muster any enthusiasm for this trite, tired-ass show, but I just can’t care.Don’t give a fuck about the self-created moving drama.  The world might literally end if Rachel and Rodger have to spend an extra night in the lap of luxury at the Montage.  Boofuckinghoo. Don’t give a fuck about what Anne Hathaway wore 8 months ago at the dullest Oscars ever. Everything else is pretty much Zoe pimping Zoe. Extra don’t give a fuck about watching femmy Rodger and his cheesy friends toast to a “masculine” child.  If you want a masculine child, don’t name him “Skyler.”Whereas in previous seasons Joey was sprinkled into episodes like a rare Lebanese spice, now the annoying fame-whore sucks the energy out of every scene.  He’s making me hate him.  Zoe’s whole limp dick team this season is so boring, whiny, and kiss-ass.Zoe is obviously exercising her EP muscle and editing out all the real drama because there have to be legit reasons why she can’t seem to keep a stylist for any length of time.  For most staffers, there is an awfully short shelf life at Team Zoe.  Nobody seems to leave on good terms, though the details of the departures are always nebulous.Mostly, I’m just super uninspired by her right now.  I’m over her derivative style and shallow, needy banter with her hired gay.  She’s obviously exhausted this season, and she’s worn me out too.

 

The Rachel Zoe Project: Bitch gets paid for this shit?

Rodger took Jeremiah to the 7,000 square foot rental that Zoe insisted on leasing in anticipation of the baby’s arrival.  This decision makes no sense on a variety of levels.  For one, why spend oodles on furniture for a rental?  Second, what newborn needs 7,000 square feet?  Don’t newborns basically inhabit one foot of space surrounding their mother or father for the first several months of their lives?  Not to mention stylistically the house is totally unlike anything Rachel and Rodger have dwelled in previously.  All these considerations notwithstanding, in typical Team Zoe fashion, Rodger gave Jeremiah a two week deadline to complete the daunting assignment.  Jeremiah looked like he might pop a vessel when Rodger declared that completing the project on the super accelerated time line was his problem.

Rachel got a last minute call to style a shoot for Kim Kardashian.  Realizing the enormity of the ass she needed to cover, Rachel called Joey and Jeremiah for an emergency meeting at Zoe headquarters.  Joey received the call from dispatch and gave Jeremiah all of ten minutes to wipe the sleep out of his eyes and sculpt his Robert Pattinson ‘do before showing up at his door with an impatient toe tap.  The two rushed over to Zoe’s office curious to learn of their latest assignment.When they arrived, Zoe informed them that the world’s most overexposed and under-talented celebuwhore would require a minimum of two looks to shoot her perfume commercial the following day.  The competitive bitchery started brewing between the queens as soon as the Kardashian assignment was handed down from above.  They rushed off to Bismarck to collect every red gown and Brian Atwood shoe in the showroom.  Once at BPCM, Joey and Jeremiah bickered over their approaches to pulling items for the shoot.  Joey stuck with Rachel’s mantra of “more is more,” and Jeremiah thought it wiser to streamline the selections.  After the pull, J+J called Zoe, and she informed them that only one could attend the shoot tomorrow.  It was no surprise when she selected her favorite sycophantic gay Joey to attend in lieu of Jeremiah.  She sure has a way a pitting her staff against one another.  It’s no wonder she goes through employees like she does her Cosabella thongs.

The next day at the shoot, Zoe kissed Kardashian’s gargantuan money-maker before dressing her in two of the most uncreative looks ever.  First, Zoe put together a clichéd men’s button-down with boy shorts and a lace bra ensemble.  Even though this interpretation has been around as long as the white button-down, Rachel described the outfit as if it were a work of creative genius, and as if she had copyrighted that shit.  Rachel dressed Kardashian in an equally uninspired look for the second round of photos.  Joey greased Kim and slid her into a red stretch satin Dolce & Gabbana gown.  The obvious selection read more sausage casing than sexy.  A body-con red gown for Valentine’s Day?  This bitch gets paid for this unoriginal shit?  What a weak-ass lazy effort yo.

The Rachel Zoe Project: Rodger’s Pussy Hurts

Rodger’s discontent has been simmering all season, but this week his epic case of pussy hurt was triggered by an unfinished plate of breakfast pasta.  Rachel rushed Rodger and Brad from the café to finish out Milan with the Armani, Gucci, and Pucci shows. Again, Rachel fixated on a totally inappropriate navy feathered Pucci gown for Demi Moore.  Short in the front long in the back is so wrong.  It is the fashion equivalent of a mullet.Back in L.A., figure skater Johnny Weir dropped by to collect a few looks for the Indie Spirits.  Brad tried to get his twirl on, but couldn’t quite compete, saying “I’m actually masculine next to him, and I don’t know if that really works for me.”Rachel concluded the visit by extending the ultimate invitation (and endorsement) to Mr. Weir, saying “Next time you come to L.A., I would like to invite you to my house to come play dress up in my closet, for real.”When the feathered Pucci gown arrived, Brad began to second guess whether it would work.  Rachel called Donatella who sent some sketches over.  Rachel decided to have two gowns whipped up for Demi, one in silver, one in blush.Later on, Rachel bitched about a migraine while Joey worked her weave.  While she was putting on Tom Ford’s last YSL, Rodger bitched and moaned to the uninterested help.  Joey bid adieu by yelling, “You guys look so beautiful, it’s a shame both of you have bitch attitudes.”  Unquestionably, this was the episode (if not season) highlight.Rodger woke up the next morning super bitchy and snipped at Joey and Rachel over the decibel of their morning activities.  A true masochist, Rodger decided to attend the fittings with Rachel.  He had no actual purpose in tagging along, so he just stewed in resentment and picked at Rachel until she grew a pair and shut his Bieberish ass down by reminding him, “This is a big day for me and my clients not you, so just calm down.”As a pouty Rodger sat in the car, Rachel dressed Cameron Diaz who barely made the red carpet.

No big surprise Sandra Bullock ended up in the Marchesa.  Too bad it was one of her worst looks of the awards season.  The finish down the front didn’t lie quite right making it look cheap, but at least someone had the good sense to remove that big ass bow from the shoulder. Demi wore the blush Versace and it fit beautifully.  Overall the look wasn’t hideous, but wasn’t that major either.  It was a little granny does bridesmaid. Cameron made more of an impact in the Oscar de la Renta dress, but as a former model, she wears clothes well.  It is pretty hard to fuck up styling DiazPost-Oscars, Mr. and Mrs. Zoe sat down to discuss their priorities.  Rodger complained of all the Rachel-centeredness and threw down a toothless ultimatum.  Obviously, Rodger’s clock is ticking.  Rachel, just give your wife a baby so his pussy can stop hurting.