So no matter what happens this weekend, we are absolutely forbidden from partaking in the following behaviors.
Childish Alcoholic Douchebaggery.
No belly shots, keg stands, quarters, beruit, or other drinking games spawned from the land of Kappa Kappa Kunts. Trust me – you’ve graduated.
Enjoy no more than 5 cocktails, and if any one of you makes that Mercy-laced cocktail recipe courtesy of GOOP then I will issue an official fatwa on your ass. Take that shit to Gwyneth’s townhouse. Wanna cure your hangover? Set aside a fat rail from your eight ball and reserve it for breakfast. Problem solved. Put that in your newsletter Mizz Martin.
Mopping up the Dregs.
No matter how desperate, horny, or lonely, avoid finding a fuck partner the last twenty minutes the bar is open. When has a truly satisfying sexual experience come from sorting through the dregs at last call? Better question, how many of these encounters require a side order of Valtrex with the following morning’s Mimosa brunch. Don’t kick off 2012 with a trip to the free clinic.
Including the drama couple.
Most of us are friends with at least one couple that can’t make it through an entire evening without getting into some loud dramatic stunt queen shit that sours the fun for everyone. Avoid those assholes this weekend.
Drinking and Driving
DUI’s are so 2007 and so inexcusable. For those dumbasses thinking of riding home on their bikes drunk (FYI, you can still get a DUI on a bike), did I ever tell you about that night I spent in the hospital with my friend Oskar after he cracked his head open drunk biking home from the bars one night? Fun story.
Bitch & Complain
Nothing sucks up fun like a whiny bitch. I’ll sum this up with one of my favorite quotes (which has been attributed to several different people including: Katharine Hepburn, Wallis Simpson, Henry Ford II, Benjamin Disraeli, and John Wayne, but who knows where it originated?)
Never Complain. Never Explain.