Selma BlairSteve ShelleyChico DeBargeFrances McDormand
In case you missed it last night on Teen Mom 2, Kailyn sought out birth control from some beady-eyed OBGYN. During the course of the episode, the word Mirena was uttered no less than 7 times. Mirena was mentioned thrice by the Doc and Kailyn and once by new boyfriend Jordan as if under coercion.We’re not talking about the word IUD, we’re talking specifically about the peppering of the pharmaceutical brand name “Mirena.” Coincidence or profitable product placement? The exam and “insertion” ran like a 5 minute commercial shoved into the show. Did Kailyn get a free IUD in return for her enthusiasm?Marketing a long-term hormone based contraception to teenage girls is an interesting choice considering their high risk for contracting an STD during unprotected sex. Personal opinion only here: keep the hormones and the foreign devices out of your body and keep the wenis wrapped.
While Team Zoe prepared for a shoot for Love magazine, Brad and Jordan kvetched about the tireless devotion Rachel requires. Apparently, Tayloritis is contagious.The shoot featured a Bardot-inspired Ginta Lapina, a breath of fashion fresh air and one of the baddest bitches on the scene. Between Ginta Lapina and Jessica Stam (featured last season on the RZP at the V shoot), it is Team Ginta all the way. For the record editors, we are all nauseous with Stam oversaturation.Brad and Jordan talked shit in the makeshift wardrobe room. While Rachel lugged furs around the shoot, complaining about her ineffectual staff.After the shoot, it was all about prepping for the Met Ball, perhaps the single most mayjah night for fashion folks. Typically, designers select a few starlets to wear their gowns and accompany them as part of their entourage. For some inexplicable reason, Marc Jacobs invited Rachel to join his group. Rachel also took credit for dressing Demi, Eva, Kate, and Anne. More likely, designers sent a few choices to each of these actresses, and Zoe may have edited those options and accessorized the final look.At her fitting, Anne thanked Rachel and Brad for influencing her to embrace her inner fashion icon. I’ll (begrudgingly) give credit where credit is due, and Zoe has been responsible for some of Hathaway’s most memorable moments on the red carpet.Zoe on Hathaway, “She’s like über-intellectual, and I’m über-not.”Later, the time came for Rachel to craft her own look for the Ball. First, Rachel drowned in a gigantic Marc Jacobs. After determining the dress failed to flatter her “70’s disco titty,” it was eliminated. Next Rachel donned a strange, velvet, mustard, drapey, vintage gown that highlighted her bony sternum.Too bad she traded in the sliver geometric clutch for a tan day bag that downgraded the entire look. While I appreciate Rachel’s yin for unexpected whimsy, this frock was Met Gala unworthy. At an event of this magnitude, timeless glamour must trump quirk when finalizing a gown choice. Admit it; this aberration treads uncomfortably close to shmatta territory.
Back in L.A., Rodger decided to attend Rachel’s lady doc appointment to discuss the possibility of having a child. The very awkward and staged appointment ended with Rachel and Rodger fighting over Rachel getting a blood test that day. Rachel refused, Rodger insisted, and the gyno nodded uncomfortably.Back at home, Rachel and Rodger continued to go round and round. Rodger emphasized that biologically, time keeps ticking. Career-obsessed Rachel informed him that nothing, including a baby, would curtail her megalomaniacal styling ambitions.Acknowledging that a refusal to spawn will cause “major marital problems,” Rachel swallowed her reproductive ambivalence and concluded, “We are meant to be parents and I wanna do it, not totally sure how yet, but we’re gonna be. Period. The end.”
We’ve been waiting to get the dish on the Taylor and Rachel blow up, and the season three premiere of The Rachel Zoe Project wasted no time in addressing the splinter. At the end of last season, Rodger stepped in to handle the books. Rodger broke the news to Rachel that Taylor didn’t really give a fuck when confronted over sketchy expense reports. As a result, he let her go. Rachel lied to Rodger constantly about her spending last season. If the expense reports were sketchy, he should start his inquiries with her.
In typical Zoe fashion, Rachel completely overreacted, unable to accept that she had been betrayed by her “blessed jewel.” Rachel, have you met Taylor? Furthermore, is this your first day in the styling industry? Fashion is a cruel mistress filled with bitter backstabbing bitches. Anybody with staying power learns early: trust no one.Brad, Jordan, and Marisa showed up for a staff meeting so Rodger could break the news that was already splattered all over the internet: Taylor was no longer with the company. Rachel implored her lackeys to recover every sample and shred of company property in Taylor’s possession.Simultaneously, Brad looked ebullient with his promotion to Style Director and terrified at the realization that he would now have to run this ship without Captain Taylor Bitchface. No surprise that the preeminent assignment for Team Zoe was to find a replacement for Taylor.
Rachel and Rodger interviewed a series of under-qualified, inarticulate candidates, none of which appear to have the fashion knowledge, personal style, or constitution to replace Taylor. Despite Taylor’s obvious flaws, she clearly ran thangs over at Camp Zoe. Rachel spins like a well-dressed Muppet on a dradle, but appears to accomplish very little other than to sycophantically gush and twirl.
Brad and Rachel flipped through look books searching for high-fashion editorial looks for Demi’s Bazaar cover. Both expressed anxiety over pleasing Kutcher’s piece since she had previously worked almost exclusively with Taylor. At the Bazaar shoot, Rachel pulled Chanel, Oscar de la Renta, Alexander McQueen, Dior, and some mayjah red sequined Wizard of Oz Louboutins. However, watching a fifty-something Demi Moore unironically play coquettish housewife conjured the chunder. Also, the hair is off in this shot, no?Finally, the much-anticipated Marc Jacobs bloomer outfit arrived, albeit without the necessary undergarments. Instead of employing actual creative styling talent and reworking the look, the incomplete outfit caused Rachel to nix the ensemble entirely in favor of a Carolina Herrera gown. Work that bustle Demi!
The mundane shoot got an immediate upgrade with the appearance of the giraffe. Demi climbed a stairway to the sky where she looked eye to eye with the gorgeous creature. While feeding the giraffe atop twelve inch McQueen platforms, Demi nearly tumbled head over stilts. In the struggle between the giraffe and Demi, frankly, I was pulling for the giraffe. Imagine a subscriber cover with Demi Moore face-planted in the sand? That would move magazines.
To wrap the episode on an especially spiteful final note, Rachel set images of Taylor from Paper ablaze in the fireplace. The article stated that Taylor was no longer with Rachel Zoe. Parsing for subtext here, the inference is that Taylor planned to leave all along, and Paper Magazine knew it before Rachel did.Her haze of self-perceived victimization prevented Rachel from adequately acknowledging Taylor’s huge contribution to the Rachel Zoe name, aesthetic, and business. Through her skewed, self-absorbed perspective, Rachel failed to recognize that Taylor walked away with nothing except bad press, whereas she has benefited, and will continue to benefit from years of Taylor’s hard work. To add insult to injury, Rachel utilized her show as a platform from which to defame Taylor and limit her future professional prospects. If Taylor is a backstabbing bitch, it’s just because Rachel has taught her everything she knows.
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