Just days before the Oscars, Team Zoe multitasked trying to cover the collections in Europe and collecting gowns for the awards show in L.A.  Even though the best frocks seemed to be slipping through her fingers, Zoe dropped everything to rush to London at Kate Hudson’s beckoning.Aflutter with an A-list celebrity contact-high, Zoe was too concerned with wedging her head up Hudson’s ass to panic over her unmet professional obligations.  Even though Burberry surely sent over a narrow range of options for Kate to wear to the show, Rachel took credit for Hudson’s look.  A puffy-faced Kate rocked a military pea coat over a sequined mini dress in two different shades of green.

While imperfectly executed here, ladies take note, don’t run all over town, in the middle of the winter, in a minuscule dress, with no coat, freezing your ass off.  Consider a cocktail-military combination and challenge the traditional assumptions of femininity, masculinity, day, and evening.  Remember, shivering is not chic. Post-show, Kate and Rachel debated the merits of men in turtlenecks (Rachel pro, Kate con).  Then Kate broke out into a few lines of Fleetwood Mac’s Silver Springs a capella, which was simultaneously annoying and impressive.Rachel and Kate returned back to the hotel room where Rodger was curled up in his robe on the bed.  Kate and Rodger double-teamed Rachel on the baby issue, but it’s kind of obvious she doesn’t want one.  This would be Zoe’s wisest decision since the last thing the world needs is any more people.

Rachel raced back to Milan to join Brad for the shows.  They met at a vintage store, Rachel in a Yves St. Laurent leopard trench, and Brad channeling Halston in a controversial turtleneck.  Rachel justified her conspicuous consumption by rationalizing she would model her dreadful QVC line after her vintage finds.  Brad walked away the true winner, scoring a ferocious felt gray wool man cape.First Alberta Ferretti, a purveyor of modern, feminine, Italian elegance.   The collection lacked any really Oscar contenders, but watching Rachel kiss designer ass never really gets boring.

Next Team Zoe ventured to the Missoni showroom where we met up with the (overrated) Margherita Missoni and her (underrated) mother, Angela.  Margherita showed the group a bag with a pocket made of chicken feet, and this was Rachel’s reaction.Can’t stop by Milano and not drop in on Versace. Brad even donned his D jacket for Donatella.  Donatella and her gigantic lips greeted a gushing Rachel.  Brad turned splotchy red, shifted his weight, and wore a tight nervous smile as he cradled Rachel’s coat like her little fur bitch.The show itself produced nil in the way of Oscar options, leaving Team Zoe in much the same position as when they commenced Milan Fashion Week.Later that night, Rachel and the rest of Team Zoe argued over whether she should wear thigh-high boots or patent leather platform wedges.  Even though the boots were better and more fashion forward, Rachel chose the same tired platforms we’ve seen her in 1,000 times.  Shoes aren’t the problem.  She’s so fucking skinny she looks like glamour granny in everything she wears anyway.

At the Bulgari event, Julianne Moore barely tolerated Rachel’s superficiality.  When Zoe inquired as to what Moore would don at the Oscars, Julianne answered Calvin Klein.  This revelation smacked Rachel back into the reality that neither of her clients have gowns for the Oscars taking place less than a week away.Back in L.A., a few dresses, including the Oscar de la Renta princess gown, began to trickle into the studio.  However, Rachel began to suffer the harsh consequences of her irresponsible decision to flee to London to lick Hudson buns when she lost three of her top Oscar choices to other stylists.Rodger tried to talk Rachel off the ledge by arguing that it isn’t a reality until the client knows about a dress and loses it.  Irate, Rachel countered, “But you know when you know it existed?  When it’s on another fucking actress, that’s when you know it existed!”