Tag Archives: JWoww

it’s hot. do you stink?

Many of us want to get away from chemically-laden traditional antiperspirants, but how do we do this without sweating and stanking like some unwashed dready on Phish tour.  The 90’s are mercifully over.  It’s not a good look.  Or odor.At Coachella, my friend Annie told me this long-winded story about this great all-natural deodorant.  When she got to the end of her description of this magical product, she couldn’t remember the name of it.  Like porn without a money shot, I frustratingly informed her that such a build up without a climax is the conversational equivalent of blue balls.  A few days after we got home, she emailed me the name of her beloved mystery anti-stink – Herban Cowboy. Herban Cowboy makes natural deodorants aimed at men and women, but I prefer the version marketed to men.  It smells earthy and fresh and seems to incidentally mellow the sweat.  I wouldn’t trust it for a job interview or anything, but if you are looking to get away from controversial aluminum-based products consider Herban Cowboy’s vegan, natural deodorant. Why not unleash your natural funk?  Cover up all your pheromones with chemical blockers and you’ll never get laid.

Dress You Up In My Love: Skirt Embarrassment at the Holiday Party

Dudes, enough with the argyle sweaters.  Every holiday party lately looks like an argyle explosion.  Blame the Banana Republic clearance rack.  A perfectly-tailored suit is always a nice choice.  Werk a bow tie to catch ’em by surprise.  Steam or iron — wrinkles ain’t cute at a formal function ya’ll.Ladies, many of you will gravitate towards some variation on the ubiquitous sparkle.  I’m not placing an outright fatwa on sparkle because when used appropriately it can be a powerful way to amp an ensemble.  However, keep in mind shine accentuates.  If your body ain’t right, a full sequined look will not only add bulk, but draw attention to every lump.  Use sparkle sparingly.Select a look that errs on the side of classic and conservative.  Think Betty Draper not JWoww.  If a fleeting thought enters your head that your dress is too short, your cleavage too deep, or your pants too tight, honor that voice, and for the love of Jesus on his birthday change your fucking clothes.  Better to dress comfortably and appropriately than look like you suffer from the worst faux pas of all – poor judgment.  Also, I’m sick of this pretty princess curling iron shit.  Try a new ‘do this year.  This look is so over.

Top Five Relationship Lessons as Taught to us by Reality Television

5)      Cheating ruins a relationship forever.  For a timely example, see Sammi and Ron from Jersey Shore.  If you discover your significant other has a jump off, cut and run.  Under no circumstances should you decimate your pride by going back for even one sesh of break-up sex.  Don’t fucking tell me you love him, weak-ass bitch.4)      The following advice applies to all relationships.  Look at what people do, not what they sayTori Spelling failed to apply this rule.  Dean talked a lot of love-at-first-sight woo to lure Tori.  However, many believe his decision to leave his wife, son, and newly adopted daughter to opportunistically seize fame and exploit a dim-witted heiress of dwindling celebrity better reflects his true character.  Now she’s surprised about relationship problems?  Actions determine character.  See also, Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian, and any of the hot-ass messes from Teen Mom.3)      Please don’t EVER film your fucky times.  See Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Danielle Staub, and the OG of the celeb sex tape, Paris Hilton.  While some consider this a catapult to notoriety, unless you are fucking someone noteworthy, you’ll only be famous to his friends for your “technique.”2)      Protect precious possessions from the vengefulJWOWW and Tom, Ron and Sam, The Bad Girls Club – all these kids got their belongings trashed.  Don’t be naïve.  Lock your shit down before you start a war, and if you pick a fight, be prepared to finish it.1)      Marinating bad feelings in liquor intensifies rather than alleviates tension.  See Bethenny, Ramona, Snooki, Austin Armacost, and Tami Roman from Basketball Wives for shameful examples of messy drinkers.  Slurring, stumbling, puking, instigating bar fights, removing heels, hooking up with questionable fugsters, and showing your ass in public are all fucking dignity issues.  Remember, there is nothing more repulsive than a sloppy-ass drunk.

Smooches to all of you this Valentine’s DayMuah.

Christmas Cleavage

Another weekend in December means more office holiday parties and more felonious fashion choices.  I think it’s time we sat down and had a little chat about appropriate cleavage.  Honestly, deep cleavage is gross.  More porn than Prada, cleavage is a cocktease, not fashion.  Sporting more than two inches of visible cleavage also guarantees no one will look at your face all night.  Acknowledging that some of you bitches love your chichis, and whether they are store-bought or natural, come cocktail hour, you like to put your girls on display.  Keep the following examples in mind if you must display the bust.

Dita does it right, subtle and sexy.Christina, I love you, but no.  Her titties arrived fifteen minutes before she did.Blake’s so much less offensive when she doesn’t force the girls front and center.Borderline Barrymore, she saves it with soft makeup and covered arms. They shouldn’t face east and west.¡Ya basta! Vergara!A skosh too much moonz, Mz. Greene.

Snooki, JWoww, and Sammi give Bazaar the Stank Eye

Anastasia, Drusilla, and the Wicked Stepmother.

White Smash.

Channeling Marion Cotillard.

Where the fuck are my feet?