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Sail • AWOLNATION • DJ Slink’s remix + Dubstep remixDance Hall Days • Wang ChungAll Falls Down • Kanye WestRoyals • Lorde (I fruitlessly tried to resist, but I’m not made of stone people.)Ravenous • Nicki Bluhm & The Gramblers
Pendulum • Pearl Jam
The Kardashians are over. You may feel like those over-saturated fame whores have already overstayed their welcome. I agree. This overness is different than justifiable Kardashian fatigue. Sunday’s episode triggered the Kardashian kollapse and you can thank Kanye for the downfall. Kanye’s unwillingness to allow North to be filmed for the show changes everything. We know Kim from the inside out. Literally. She can’t give it all away and then decide to snatch it back and expect her voyeuristic fanbase to remain loyal. We want to see Kim as a mother: changing the diapers, getting barfed on, all that delicious misery. How can they expect to successfully film around Kim being a mom? Withholding goes against the very Kardashian kore. You simply can’t film a birthing episode without a baby. They prep the nursery. We see the ultrasound. We admire Kim glammed at the hospital. The baby is the big finish – the money shot. Kim should know a little something about that. Nothing can last forever. The hypnotic Kardashian trance of hair and ass had to eventually lift like a cloud of mustard gas. Unless Kylie and Jaden film a sex tape, I wonder how the family will fill the next several contractually obligated seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Either Kanye sacrifices his first born to the insatiable child-eating E! Gods or we can blissfully kiss the Kardashians goodbye.
I feel strongly about marriage proposals which is probably why I haven’t been on the receiving end of one. I believe in speaking to the parents first (credit to Kanye). Give them an opportunity to object if they find the match unsuitable. Proposals should be well-reasoned and planned (points for the orchestra). Engagements should not happen as a reaction to a fight, a pregnancy test, or a health scare. Take a knee. Present a picture of an enticing life together. Make promises you intend to keep. Make eye contact and be sincere.Know what isn’t included in the simple list above, Kanye? A fucking Jumbotron. No woman really wants to be proposed to by a giant machine. It is so insincere and impersonal. For someone who is willing to smack a photographer to protect his privacy, a stadium-size proposal isn’t exactly discreet. But you know what really chaps my ass about the Kanye-Kim proposal? He stacked it on the top of a birthday. There is nothing lazier than using the excitement of another event to prop up a lame and ill-thought out bid to wed. No piggybacking on Christmas; hiding the ring under the tree with the socks and sweaters isn’t sufficiently special. Proposers really shouldn’t hitch their request to the champagne-high of New Year’s. An inquiry of this magnitude deserves its own day, its own care, and its own attention. Yes, he threw some money at it, but ultimately: Lazy proposal = Lazy-ass husband.
So I’ve been listening to Yeezus for almost a week now. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Some people just repeat opinions they hear on Pitchfork. I’m not one of those people. To succinctly summarize Kanye’s problem: he lacks credibility. While lecturing us on materialism, he name checks Alexander Wang all while playing designer with his very own weak-ass ready-to-wear collection. Kanye, you wish you were Alexander Wang. Kanye, you wish you were Riccardo Tisci. (Or you wish you were in Riccardo Tisci allegedly whatever.) How can a man that is shamelessly reproducing with the Kueen of Konsumption lecture anyone? Kanye maintains his trademark anger on this album, but on Yeezus it feels particularly misdirected. For all his race-based indignation, I suspect the last time Kanye West felt legitimately persecuted is when Alber Elbaz had the good sense to deny his ass from the Lanvin show. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is a really incredible and incomparable record. I don’t expect every record Kanye makes to eclipse BDTF, but Yeezus isn’t at all fun. Kanye borrows from a somewhat diverse (if predictable) musical cannon ranging from Billie Holliday (vis-à-vis Nina Simone) to Charlie Wilson, but the vocal layering never quite gels. It feels very mash-up and less integrative than his previous application of this well-worn technique. Kanye fancies himself a pioneer and taste-maker, but his private and personal decisions of the last year prove he’s no visionary. Yeezus ain’t all that innovative. Kim is so over, and bathed in her low-budget, mainstream media-whore stank Kanye’s all but over too.
I’d Rather Be a Dick Than a Swallower
Happy Solstice! Today we welcome summer. I will complete 108 sun salutations to initiate in the new season. The practice helps me shed old energy and embrace the future. If my tan so far is any indication, this summer is going to be the best summer ever. No those bitches didn’t name that baby North West. For fucksake.
In this week’s non-bombshell news, is anyone actually surprised that Paula Deen is a racist? For today’s overreaching bossy advice I command you go outside and smile at a stranger. Okay, fine, sneer if you want to, but go outside.
Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala. The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there). The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion. If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is? Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction. I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win. Is she fucking with us? I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform. Nude illusion, really girl? Pink shiny too short long sleeves? What? A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink? Incomprehensible. How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year? So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci. I’m not sure we can blame him. All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot. Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe. The gloves are totally freaking me out. Hand camo. Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style. I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown. I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right? Do we like Annie as a blonde? I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan. I do love the orange lip and fishnets. Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment. In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously. She smacks of try. The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior. Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP? Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. Topshop dressed Nicole Richie. The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair. Punk Glam Granny?Opa! Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen. What did she do to her face?Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart. Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately. She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung. She’s our modern day Audrey. Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked. Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately. Applause. Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume. For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up. You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte. Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem. The makeup is the best ever for her. Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else. Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala? Sheesh. Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch? Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga. Die for the safety pin. It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be. Fucking chic.Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors. The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen! Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. May we all be this ravishing at her age. Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper.
Calm down Gisele. (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).
Happy Birthday Lions! Leos focus on self-improvement in August starting with a make over. New hair, new clothes, and a fresh look will serve you well and actually aid in your character and personality ambitions. Leos radiate energy and magnetic charisma. At work, people around you will be attracted by your communication skills. Tighten the purse strings; August is not for expensive luxuries. Save your money and devote your time to casual get-togethers with friends you enjoy. Try to avoid driving the last week of the month when the likelihood of an accident, especially at night, is particularly high.
August provides the opportunity for spiritual awakening for Virgos. Lately your focus has been very cerebral, but quite rooted in the real world. Now think bigger, broader, higher, and through the usual. Virgos spend a significant amount of time pondering the past to prepare for the future. Keep the ego in check, and adopt an empathetic and humble attitude when dealing with your significant other. Most importantly, admit when you are wrong. Single Virgos should stay that way through August. The first two weeks of the month are perfect for pursuing self-starting business deals.
Libras embrace freedom and strength in August by rebelling against many self-imposed restraints. Professionally you flourish. Expect accolades and recognition as you position yourself for a meteoric rise. Treat people kindly. Your bitchiness is limiting your personal relationships. Extra demanding to your partner in August, remember if you want space you have to give space. Keep a conservative profile with regard to investments. Now is not the time to risk the farm or lend money.
Scorpios excel professionally this August and enjoy their career more than ever. When enthusiastic about work, Scorpios shine and inevitably find success. Now more than ever is the time to push forward with your professional aspirations. You may even find yourself contemplating an interesting offer. Mull over any big decisions. Scorpios require a tremendous amount of emotional support this month. Ask for what you need.
Impatient Sags want everything right now and when you don’t get it you get depressed. Your desire to succeed and sheer determination can be off-putting, especially when you stampede over those around you. Relax. Use your charm to finesse situations. Explore cultural activities this month like food fairs, carnivals, and neighborhood celebrations. Keep it local from the 21st-26th, use the time at home to clarify your next move. Stress manifests in the stomach this month.
Capricorns experience intense intimacy in August with a shift in your current relationship or the blossoming of a new love. A tussle with a friend resolves in due time, but the misunderstanding leaves a sourness between you. Keep the focus on your personal life; this is not the time to get embroiled in petty office politics. Caps experience financial losses with investments between the 19th-24th. Capricorns suffer from distraction and therefore make shitty drivers this month. Watch out.
August tests Aquarius on several levels. First, unless you are exceedingly cautious in your professional dealings, you are likely to offend a few folks in your work circle. Second, a crisis of confidence erodes your chances at success. Third, those around you are especially stressed this month and the ill effects spill over. Focus on love; stoking it and growing it into every nook and cranny of your life. Curb your blunt tongue. Keep financially conservative or find yourself preoccupied and obsessed with your own overspending.
Money, money, money, Pisces who owe it must repay it in August. Find yourself in a position to lend later in the month. Pisces possess a knack for cultivating opportunities out of thin air. Maximize this talent in August. You might be surprised how many people are willing to invest in your ideas. Wanna get married? August proves productive with personal relationships as long as you focus on positivity. Invest energy in a strong foundation before proceeding with any permanent plans.
Aries enjoy fun times in August as you frolic about from one social engagement to the next. An upcoming event may very well include a “meet the parents” visit or the coming together of family and friends. The stars look favorable for introducing your partner to the family. Think like a European: August makes a great time for a leisurely trip. Students can relax; those of you preparing to study in the fall will receive some good news mid-month, but the last week of the month live especially cautious. Those on the grind contemplate a new venture. Get ready to blow a load on home improvement in an end of summer fit of redecoration.
Bulls lead with their horns this August, demonstrating aggression in negotiations and decision-making. Rather than acting in haste, take time with the major choices and before snapping at colleagues. Whiny and oversensitive from the 12th to 18th, try not to give in to your worst asshole tendencies. Towards the end of the month, energies shift for the better and happy folks flock to you. All this positivity spikes your creativity. Get ready for some serious and meaningful relationship talks. August is not the month for proposals or engagements.
In August, Gemini’s talent for communication gets plenty of exercise both at work and home. Towards the end of the month, you fail to do as you promise. This time it really bites you in the ass, especially at work. You make a bad situation worse when you say something you shouldn’t in front of your boss. This month a stressed partner requires extra support and patience. Try hiking, yoga, and meditating together to strengthen your relationship in a new way.
An energetic backspin has Cancers feeling stuck. This ongoing series of challenges has you frustrated and anxiously awaiting results, especially with regard to your career. Unfortunately, August will not prove particularly fruitful in this regard. Stay the course. No short cuts. Investments do look favorable for you, particularly in the realm of precious metals. Even more travel, and by extension spending are on the menu for August. This is a harmonious time for friendships, but a difficult time for your primary relationship. Keep it light.
The Mamas KnowlesJoan and Christina CrawfordLeo loves his Ma and his G’Ma.Kanye and Donda WestGwyneth and BlytheThe JuddsKathy and Maggie GriffinJoan and MelissaJudy and Liza Kandi and JoyceSean and Janice