Tag Archives: Kate Hudson

Oscar 2014 gag/heave report

I’m gagging for…

KAREN OHate the bangs, but I enjoy the way this inky gown drapes your body Karen O. KATE HUDSONA capelet crusader, Kate Hudson in Versace Atelier. KEVIN SPACEY BURBERRYKevin Spacey in blueberry BurberryANNE HATHAWAY GUCCIHathaway defensively donned a Gucci breastplate.

i’m heaving for…

SANDY BULLOCK MCQUEEN

Wrinkled, boring, and confusing, someone explain Sandy B in this pageanty Alexander McQueen?

KELLY RIPA 2

If Orange Julius raped a praying mantis this Kelly Ripa moment would be the unholy outcome.

PORTIA DE ROSSI NAEEM KAHNSpeaking of praying mantis, Portia needs to lay off the botox for real. KELLAN LUTZ

This shitty suit doesn’t even fit.  Who let Lutz in?  Did he sneak in with a tray of hors d’oeuvres?

Peach Sunnies

DOLCE & GABBANA 4151Dolce & GabbanaPEACHY TREAT MATTHEW WILLIAMSON

MATTHEW WILLIAMSON PEACH SUNNIESMatthew WilliamsonLEMONS PEACH SHADESTOPSHOPTopshopKATE HUDSON PEACH EYEWEARPEACH GILDEDAll Ruffled UpPEACH CATEYE COMPANY MAG

Metallicaca

Even though metallics have peaked, expect more than a few silver, gold, sequined, and beaded numbers at this year’s holiday festivities.  If you must indulge, an awareness of these common mistakes will help you avoid metallicaca.Avoid too tight and too short.  Metallic brings its own zing, so go more conservative with length to avoid hookerville.Color + Metallic = Overkill.  Gold, silver, bronze, or black are the only acceptable options.  No need to over complicate an already eye-catching look with heavy beading, pleats, or rainbows.As demonstrated, shiny fabric highlights figure flaws and fit issues.  Don’t step outside in any metallic dress that is less than impeccable.  When the light hits, there is nowhere to hide. Please no metallic sacks unless you’re in your second trimester.  Even the high-end flapper-inspired looks rarely flatter.

The Rachel Zoe Project: Period. The End.

While Team Zoe prepared for a shoot for Love magazine, Brad and Jordan kvetched about the tireless devotion Rachel requires.  Apparently, Tayloritis is contagious.The shoot featured a Bardot-inspired Ginta Lapina, a breath of fashion fresh air and one of the baddest bitches on the scene.  Between Ginta Lapina and Jessica Stam (featured last season on the RZP at the V shoot), it is Team Ginta all the way.  For the record editors, we are all nauseous with Stam oversaturation.Brad and Jordan talked shit in the makeshift wardrobe room.  While Rachel lugged furs around the shoot, complaining about her ineffectual staff.After the shoot, it was all about prepping for the Met Ball, perhaps the single most mayjah night for fashion folks.  Typically, designers select a few starlets to wear their gowns and accompany them as part of their entourage.  For some inexplicable reason, Marc Jacobs invited Rachel to join his group.  Rachel also took credit for dressing Demi, Eva, Kate, and Anne.  More likely, designers sent a few choices to each of these actresses, and Zoe may have edited those options and accessorized the final look.At her fitting, Anne thanked Rachel and Brad for influencing her to embrace her inner fashion icon.  I’ll (begrudgingly) give credit where credit is due, and Zoe has been responsible for some of Hathaway’s most memorable moments on the red carpet.Zoe on Hathaway, “She’s like über-intellectual, and I’m über-not.”Later, the time came for Rachel to craft her own look for the Ball.  First, Rachel drowned in a gigantic Marc Jacobs.  After determining the dress failed to flatter her “70’s disco titty,” it was eliminated.  Next Rachel donned a strange, velvet, mustard, drapey, vintage gown that highlighted her bony sternum.Too bad she traded in the sliver geometric clutch for a tan day bag that downgraded the entire look.  While I appreciate Rachel’s yin for unexpected whimsy, this frock was Met Gala unworthy.  At an event of this magnitude, timeless glamour must trump quirk when finalizing a gown choice.  Admit it; this aberration treads uncomfortably close to shmatta territory.

Back in L.A., Rodger decided to attend Rachel’s lady doc appointment to discuss the possibility of having a child.  The very awkward and staged appointment ended with Rachel and Rodger fighting over Rachel getting a blood test that day.  Rachel refused, Rodger insisted, and the gyno nodded uncomfortably.Back at home, Rachel and Rodger continued to go round and round.  Rodger emphasized that biologically, time keeps ticking.  Career-obsessed Rachel informed him that nothing, including a baby, would curtail her megalomaniacal styling ambitions.Acknowledging that a refusal to spawn will cause “major marital problems,” Rachel swallowed her reproductive ambivalence and concluded, “We are meant to be parents and I wanna do it, not totally sure how yet, but we’re gonna be. Period. The end.”

The Rachel Zoe Project: MilaNo Gowns

Just days before the Oscars, Team Zoe multitasked trying to cover the collections in Europe and collecting gowns for the awards show in L.A.  Even though the best frocks seemed to be slipping through her fingers, Zoe dropped everything to rush to London at Kate Hudson’s beckoning.Aflutter with an A-list celebrity contact-high, Zoe was too concerned with wedging her head up Hudson’s ass to panic over her unmet professional obligations.  Even though Burberry surely sent over a narrow range of options for Kate to wear to the show, Rachel took credit for Hudson’s look.  A puffy-faced Kate rocked a military pea coat over a sequined mini dress in two different shades of green.

While imperfectly executed here, ladies take note, don’t run all over town, in the middle of the winter, in a minuscule dress, with no coat, freezing your ass off.  Consider a cocktail-military combination and challenge the traditional assumptions of femininity, masculinity, day, and evening.  Remember, shivering is not chic. Post-show, Kate and Rachel debated the merits of men in turtlenecks (Rachel pro, Kate con).  Then Kate broke out into a few lines of Fleetwood Mac’s Silver Springs a capella, which was simultaneously annoying and impressive.Rachel and Kate returned back to the hotel room where Rodger was curled up in his robe on the bed.  Kate and Rodger double-teamed Rachel on the baby issue, but it’s kind of obvious she doesn’t want one.  This would be Zoe’s wisest decision since the last thing the world needs is any more people.

Rachel raced back to Milan to join Brad for the shows.  They met at a vintage store, Rachel in a Yves St. Laurent leopard trench, and Brad channeling Halston in a controversial turtleneck.  Rachel justified her conspicuous consumption by rationalizing she would model her dreadful QVC line after her vintage finds.  Brad walked away the true winner, scoring a ferocious felt gray wool man cape.First Alberta Ferretti, a purveyor of modern, feminine, Italian elegance.   The collection lacked any really Oscar contenders, but watching Rachel kiss designer ass never really gets boring.

Next Team Zoe ventured to the Missoni showroom where we met up with the (overrated) Margherita Missoni and her (underrated) mother, AngelaMargherita showed the group a bag with a pocket made of chicken feet, and this was Rachel’s reaction.Can’t stop by Milano and not drop in on Versace. Brad even donned his D jacket for DonatellaDonatella and her gigantic lips greeted a gushing RachelBrad turned splotchy red, shifted his weight, and wore a tight nervous smile as he cradled Rachel’s coat like her little fur bitch.The show itself produced nil in the way of Oscar options, leaving Team Zoe in much the same position as when they commenced Milan Fashion Week.Later that night, Rachel and the rest of Team Zoe argued over whether she should wear thigh-high boots or patent leather platform wedges.  Even though the boots were better and more fashion forward, Rachel chose the same tired platforms we’ve seen her in 1,000 times.  Shoes aren’t the problem.  She’s so fucking skinny she looks like glamour granny in everything she wears anyway.

At the Bulgari event, Julianne Moore barely tolerated Rachel’s superficiality.  When Zoe inquired as to what Moore would don at the Oscars, Julianne answered Calvin Klein.  This revelation smacked Rachel back into the reality that neither of her clients have gowns for the Oscars taking place less than a week away.Back in L.A., a few dresses, including the Oscar de la Renta princess gown, began to trickle into the studio.  However, Rachel began to suffer the harsh consequences of her irresponsible decision to flee to London to lick Hudson buns when she lost three of her top Oscar choices to other stylists.Rodger tried to talk Rachel off the ledge by arguing that it isn’t a reality until the client knows about a dress and loses it.  Irate, Rachel countered, “But you know when you know it existed?  When it’s on another fucking actress, that’s when you know it existed!”

The Rachel Zoe Project: Global Rain

The changes at Camp Zoe precipitated a shopping trip to cleanse Taylor’s energy with “new looks.”  Rachel settled on “glam rock,” and Brad was pressured into “lesbian DJ chic.”  In reality, Zoe served bony Fraggle, and Brad gave us last year’s Eurotrash.Once the new looks were procured, attention turned to dressing the 2010 Golden Globe attendees: Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Garner, and possibly Paula Patton.Brad welcomed Ashley to her first day at the Zoe asylum.  His very first words of advice were a cryptic warning to watch out for Taylor when she’s out pulling styles for the Globes.Rachel planned on an architectural Marchesa for Kate Hudson.  Even though she already had it in a bold and unique berry flavor, she insisted on getting it remade in white.  For Cameron, Rachel and Brad eyed a red cap-sleeved McQueen gown.  Garner apparently had a dress boner for some lilac (looked grey) beaded Versace that still needed to be lined.  Four attendees and no confirmed dresses sent Rachel into an unnecessary fit of anxiety.  She ordered an immediate edit, dividing the great from the mediocre on the racks.Ashley tried to add her opinion, but her input was drowned out by Rachel and Brad’s “so mayjahs!”  While rolling in the racks, Paula Patton was confirmed as an attendee, and Rachel immediately delegated dressing her to the newbie AshleyCrystal Gayle-haired Ashley stopped by Starworks to collect wardrobe options for Paula Patton.  She pulled tent after shapeless tent for the pregnant Paula; none of it looking particularly Globe-worthy.Rachel obsessed over some Versace gown that she had only peeped in a sketch.  From the sketch alone, it was obvious this dress was totally inappropriate for the Globes and Cameron Diaz.  Why would Cameron Diaz wear a long-sleeved grey granny gown to the Globes?  The sacred dress was accidentally handed off to the wrong courier at the hotel, and Team Zoe lost their proverbial shit trying to find it.  Finally Lucio, Versace’s rep, called with the news that the dress had taken a sojourn to Malibu to visit Pierce Brosnan, but had been located and was on its way.  As soon as it arrived, wrinkled, grey, long-sleeved, and matte, it was abundantly clear that the dress would never work.  After all the unnecessary drama, Rachel dismissed the dress and Lucio with a squint eye and flip of the hand.During Brad’s extra homosexual pilates lesson, he had an epiphany that he should encourage Ashley to speak up and voice her opinion.  When Ashley arrived the next morning, Brad explained that he brings the gay man’s perspective, but Ashley needed to vocalize the female perspective because he did not wear women’s clothes.  Really Brad?Brad broke the news to Rachel that Taylor is dressing a producer for the Golden GlobesRachel soured at the notion and then announced she was too busy taking the high road.  She told Rodger, “I hate the high road.”  If this is Rachel taking the high road, what does it look like when she rolls in the gutter? Brad called Rachel and informed her that the dress they pulled for Cammie was from Alexander McQueen Autumn/Winter 09.  Rachel declared this unacceptable, even though any stylist worth her Gucci would know what collection that McQueen came from the minute it entered the showroom.  Even if it is “archive,” if it hasn’t been photographed, who gives a fuck? Zoe favorite Molly Sims stopped by to collect looks for the Art of Elysium and InStyle parties.  Molly declared, “I’m not nominated, I’m not presenting…”  No shit you aren’t nominated or presenting.  Seriously, who did you blow to even get invited? Sims hung all over “Bradley,” and whirled around the studio slipping in and out of gowns.  One of the most frustrating things about this show is that they never pick the best look!  This was the best look.

However, this ill-fitting, blue, upholstered Ports 1961 mess was selected for Art of Elysium, and a shapeless Marchesa tent for the Globes party.  We all know you are trying to get into Weinstein’s good graces, but please stop trying to make Marchesa happen.  Wearing Marchesa to the Globes is like wearing Jessica McClintock to prom.

Bieber-haired Rodger tried to get reacquainted with his nutsack by watching the playoffs with the boys.  In a hyper display of masculinity, Rodger scooped up his friend’s baby, cradled it gently, and insisted on taking a picture and sending it to Rachel.Rain clouds gathered, and this sent Team Zoe into a tizzy, declaring the weather “not fair” and a “nightmare!”  The idea of her clients encumbered by holding up their gowns and the money shots cluttered with umbrellas caused Rachel to dub the entire event a “fashion disaster!”Team Zoe gathered on the couch to see the attendees work the carpet.  First Cam in the red McQueen: this is a gorgeous dress, but we can agree that these are the wrong shoes.  As you already know, red lips with a red dress is a no-no; a softer lip was needed to avoid looking garish.

Next, Kate dressed in MarchesaRachel should have kept it berry, because Hudson bordered on bridal, and the white platform shoes evoked stripper.

Garner just doesn’t have it.  Dress her in whatever; she’s a fucking snooze.

Rachel seemed pleased with Paula Patton.  Her approval allowed Ashley to exhale with relief for the first time all week.  This look doesn’t offend, but it doesn’t really wow either.

Fitness Fashion Splurge: Lululemon

The idea of spending $100 on workout pants seemed ludicrous.  Then one day it became clear why Lululemon is worth the investment.  During yoga, your pants may be revealing more than you realize.  Less substantial yoga pants are so transparent that the entire outline of your junk can be seen in certain poses.  Straight up Penthouse Pet inner-labia bitches. Celeb-preferred and now ubiquitous, Lululemon, the pricey Vancouver-based company, has become the fitness apparel choice for runners, yogis, and gym bunnies.  This shit ain’t cheap.  Choke the price down. The thick, absorbent, wicking, compressing, miraculously flattering proprietary fabric won’t reveal your noni, and will flatter your body before you even work up a sweat.  With common sense care, this gear last years.  Serious durability means no buyer’s remorse.Start with one pair of pants and marvel at how good they make your ass look, but please don’t become one of those dumbass bitches so intoxicated with the sight of  her own ass that she uses these pants to shamelessly troll for men at the gym.

Sunday with Tom Ford

STYLEMAX

Sick of short and tight?  Try long and flowy.

Bold prints look current.

Great for traveling…

…or dressy summer nights.