Tag Archives: Kelly Cutrone

The Real L Word: Strap-on Etiquette

Dan “the designer” stopped by to help the lesblands spruce up their dinning room in time for Passover.  Dan wasted no time pointing out every poor decorating choice in the room.  He called the room dead, the walls muddy, the curtains schmatta rags, and accused the curtain rod of evoking “hostel.”  Dan sent over a “lesbian-Liberace” chandelier which promptly dropped out of the mounting mid-installation, shattering glass over the floor and nearly splicing the lesbians, installers, and dogs to shreds.  This sent Jill into an existential tailspin and caused her to completely reject the oversized chandelier, much to Nik’s dismay.  Dan redeemed himself later by amping the table’s volume from Pottery Barn lezzy to full on five alarm queen with a multi-tier vase and candle extravaganza for the Seder.The conflict between Rose and her mother appears to be driving her abuelita to an early grave.  Just days after imploring with Rose to mend things with her mother to unify the family, Rose’s grandmother landed in the hospital with pneumonia. Cognizant her own actions were contributing to her grandmother’s ill health, Rose acted out with bitchy misplaced aggression towards Nat and everybody else.Despite her stank mood, Rose decided she must fulfill her promise to appear at a friend’s party.  A fight began to brew as Rose nitpicked Nat’s every word and action.  Once inside the party, Nat hung close to her sister in the DJ booth, avoiding Rose. Using her grandmother as an excuse for bad behavior, Rose called her ex-girlfriend Angel and left Natalie high and dry without a ride or house keys.  I would cut a bitch for this.

Super stressed over the planning for L.A. Fashion Week, Mikey evoked the Cutrone and ripped her intern a new asshole.  If the seating chart and RSVP list require immaculate care, why leave such a colossal responsibility to an intern?  Flailing around complaining about hanger discord, Mikey dropped F-bombs over Mena Suvari’s non-existent RSVP.

The lesbagang gathered for a friendly game of paintball: Team Rose vs. Team WhitneyWhitney and Tor wagered the winner of the paintball game got to fuck the loser with a strap-on.  Tor joined Rose’s team, and in the end the last two standing were Whitney and TorWhitney triumphed and announced that tonight Tor would be her prize.To prepare for that night’s festivities, Scarlett and Whitney hit the sex shop to buy a new harness.  Whitney educated us all on lesbian strap-on etiquette: “It’s a very personal thing you are sharing with someone, so I don’t necessarily want to have one strap-on that I just use with everyone.  It would be like some guy like not washing his dick between having sex with two girls.”Scarlett provided the “bottom perspective” and between the two of them, appropriate gear was selected.  After a lube recommendation from the fishnet-clad salesgirl, the two were on their way.Tor looked reticent, but Whitney must have done something right because after uninhibited strap-on balls-to-the-wall sex (Whitney’s words, not mine), Tor awoke the next morning looking satisfied, if not a bit dazed.The fun didn’t stop there; Whitney and the gurls planned the first annual White Trash Party complete with cheap beer, jello shots, pink flamingos, and the pièce de résistance: cream corn and lube wrestling.After watching Whitney go twice around in the kiddie pool, Romi was so aroused she led Whitney by the hand to the bedroom where she illustrated why this program airs on Showtime.We’ve learned from episodes past that Romi ain’t shy, but this week she took it from bold to porn star as she let the cameras film her getting acquainted with Whitney’s strap-on.  Dignity concerns aside, I appreciate Romi for this instructive lesson because now I get it.  Whitney’s stroke game exceeds that of most men.As party guests pounded on the door, Whitney shamelessly pounded Romi presumably with the same accouterments she used the night before with Tor.  Mayjah lesbian sex etiquette faux pas WhitWhitney could only rationalize her behavior by saying, “I am a pussy slut.”As the post-coital realizations began to dawn on Whitney, she walked around the party aftermath working a droopy dog half-hearted attempt at damage control, stopping in with Scarlett, Alyssa, and finally Tor.  As it should be, the White Trash Party culminated in a nauseating mix of tears, lube, and cream corn.

The Real L Word: Sibling Revelry

Tracy’s sisters, Amy and Audrey, and their boyfriends arrived at Stamie’s for movie night.  Amy still hasn’t accepted Tracy’s relationship and forced an awkward smile as the group discussed the family’s reaction to her fledgling lesbianism.  Aggravated Amy began snapping over take-out menus and eventually got up and walked out saying, “You guys can cuddle, go ahead.”  Later on, Amy indicated that their Mom had been fishing around for information on Stamie.  Even though Tracy’s patience has been wearing thin over the last five years, she took her Mother’s interest in Stamie as a promising sign.

The Pottery Barn lesbians, Nik and Jill, began their search for a suitable wedding location.  The two made a pact not to argue over the wedding plans which pretty much guaranteed a conflict-riddled process.  With two women planning a wedding, who gets the final say on things like location, flowers, and food?  Most men don’t give a fuck, so they just smile and nod and try to appease the bride.  Two brides creates the potential for double dueling bridezillas with each impending decision.  The two ventured to a cliff-side mansion in Malibu previewing it as a possible wedding locale.  Nik fell in love with the first house they saw and pressured Jill to immediately book it despite the fact it eclipsed their location budget by three times.  Jill, ever the pragmatist, wanted to look at other places which resulted in the first breach of the aforementioned no-argument pact.

Mikey should have hooked up with her East Coast counterpart Kelly Cutrone because the turnout for her openhouse for West Coast designers was embarrassing.  She drank her shame by busting out mimosas.  Mikey kept the party going after that hot mess of an event and took it to an NYC tranny bar in an attempt to redeem the day.  Mikey proceeded to soak up all the booze in NYC, and therefore didn’t make it back to her hotel until 3:00 am, causing her to miss the entire next morning of her workday.  This oversleep constituted a mayjah unprofesh folly on her part, so she sheepishly vowed to rein in her drinking in the future.During a dinner with her sister, Whitney admitted she learned her pune juggling ways from her father who had an affair on Whitney’s Mom years ago.  Having adopted his sexual magnetism, she now resents how this trait has manifested destruction and chaos in her own life.Tor tried flirting with Scarlett, but was ultimately overpowered by Whitney’s kavorka.  She mounted a half-sleeping Whitney, planting a wet smooch on her lips virtually out of nowhere.  Tor called Whitney a douche between snogs, and Whitney claimed to like the fact that Tor put her in her place.  I must have missed that episode, because I have yet to see Whitney adequately humbled for her duplicitous behavior.

The Real L Word: The Power of the Clam

The first thing you need to know about The Real L Word is that most of these lesbians are rather late arrivals on the scene.  Most came into their sexuality in their twenties.  Even Mikey didn’t dine at the Y until college.  Whitney is the exception; at nine she put sour cream on her eleven year old friend’s boobs, covered them with Fruity Pebbles and then ate it off — lesbian 9 1/2 weeks Saturday morning cartoon style. We begin with dread-locked Whitney, a pune juggler, fetching a couple of SF lezzies Taylor and Sara (pretentiously pronounced Saw-da) from the airport.  While pontificating on the differences between NYC, L.A., and San Francisco lesbians, Whitney declared that L.A. lesbians “lack the working hands” of the NYC lesbian.Next we meet Jill and Nik in matching purples shirts, a type-A preppy lesbian power couple.  These two met at summer camp.  Nik went out with Jill’s brother way back in the day.  The two women reconnected on the camp website and have been together ever since.

Mikey (think West Coast Kelly Cutrone) runs a fashion P.R. firm and enjoys making models cry.  Mikey’s in a long-term relationship with Raquel, a hard-working make-up artist.

Tracy a tall, dark, and lanky development exec, popped up at the beach skateboarding.  A self-confessed late bloomer, Tracy’s newly involved with Stamie, who is separated from Julie, with whom she co-parents three kids.

America Ferrera doppelganger Rose, a financially successful real estate financier, hit the club with her girls and then reluctantly returned home to her girlfriend, Natalie.  She considers herself in the top 1% of lesbians because she looks good, dresses well, has good job, and can show you a good time.

At Fubar, Whitney got stuck in pussy gridlock when Romy, her recent fling, sauntered up to the bar upon which Sara was dancing.  In full tear-management mode, Whitney did her best to placate her jilted hook-up without jeopardizing her current one.  She adequately finessed the situation and successfully tucked into bed at the end of the evening with Sara.

Jill and Nik are planning their nuptials and spend mornings pouring over wedding-related websites trying to decide between a wedding dress and wedding suit.  Nik wants a suit, and doesn’t want to look like twins in white dresses walking down the aisle.Mikey looked extra stupid when she lost her shit on some inexperienced models sent by a casting agent her own office solicited.  When it became evident she didn’t know what the fuck was going on in her own office, she overcompensated by ripping the casting agent a new asshole.  She truly is the West Coast Kelly Cutrone.

Whitney educated us on the difference between “pumps” and “pants” within the lesbian lexicon.  “Pumps” are the “feminine girls” that “wear high heels,” and “pants know how to swing a hammer and are usually in control.”  Good to see the lesbians are working towards dismantling all those limiting stereotypes.Rose visited her Grandparents’ house and it was refreshing to hear that they embraced her when she came out and seemed to genuinely like her girlfriend NatalieNatalie wants babies and starting applying pressure in front of Rose’s family.  Rose seemed very reluctant, and it became pretty obvious these two ain’t gonna make it.

Whitney’s friends inform her that she harnessed the power of the clam, but she sleeps with women who are looking for relationships.  What lesbians aren’t looking for relationships?  Stop sleeping with each other so soon.  The lack of pregnancy fear entices these girls into the kip.  Sluttiness is so tired.  I’m no advocate of purity rings, but rushing into sex has become such a predictable cliché.Episode highlight, Mikey turned to Raquel before bed and said “You can be Jillian Michaels and I’ll be Jackie Warner.”  Lesbian workout role play, lovesit. Nik and Jill met up with wedding planner Camilla at the Newsroom to hash out event ideas.  The two are planning a traditional Jewish ceremony with a sit down dinner.  Jill’s jaw hits the floor when Camilla slides the budget across the table.  Not sure why they are letting the wedding planner dictate the budget, but my guess for the estimate is $125,000.  Nik reassured Jill that it was their wedding day and worth the expense, while Jill reminded Nik that it was a lot of money to spend on just one day.

At Crown Bar, Whitney, Natalie, Rose, and Tracy and the rest of the sapphic gang mingled.  Whitney shamelessly hit on Tracy in front of SaraTracy flat out asked Whitney if she and Sara were dating, awkward silence ensued.  Sara fled to the bathroom and confessed her jealousy over the attention Whitney was lavishing on Tracy.  Eventually, Tracy mentioned her girlfriend, so Whitney cut her losses and returned her attention to Sara in the bathroom stall. They took it to the West Hollywood streets where Whitney smoothed things over by spitting some meaningless playa noise that again dropped Sara’s panties, proving low self-esteem transcends all boundaries. I’ve been wondering how explicit this program is going to get with it playing on ShowtimeThe L Word was big on girl-on-girl action, and I’m guessing these girls are going to be contractually obligated to show a little somethin’.

Whitney and Sara head to the airport where they shared an emotional goodbye.  Whitney then circled around from departures to arrivals and picked up her very well-timed new piece.  Play on playa.  Play on.

Bethenny’s Getting a Big Head?

Bethenny was invited to walk in the annual Heart Truth Red Dress Fashion Show to raise awareness for heart disease.  This event resulted in major red lipstick/red dress overkill.  Red dress, nude lip please. In general, Bethenny does look good in red; however, a belly cradle is not a runway walk.  Just walk bitch, save the cutesy shit for your lame Learning Annex lectures. Afterward, she went shamelessly trolling for compliments from Jason before turning into a four year old when he inevitably told her she did great.  What does Jason know about runway anyway?  He tucks his button-downs into his jeans.

Upholding her Skinny Girl values, Bethenny ate cake and icing for breakfast as she and Jason discussed adding an addition to Team Bethenny in the way of a new assistant.  We also got to see their new apartment in Tribeca which has a connecting office for Bethenny’s biznass.

Bethenny interviewed several candidates for the position, including an intellectual food-writer and a few gays, before settling on hot, straight, Jewish MaxCookie basically made the decision by curling up at Max’s feet instead of attacking him like she did every other candidate.  If Bethenny fails to discipline Bryn like Cookie, that kid is screwed.

At Megu, Bethenny and Jason put down half the animal kingdom while discussing their impending nuptials.  They agreed to a relatively small wedding (40 guests each), but Jason was hesitant and emphasized that his friends and family’s presence was important to him.  Then the two argued over whether Jason could watch the watermelon shoot out the cannon.  Jason wanted to see the baby born and Bethenny wanted to keep her cooch concealed; neither anticipated her guts would be laid out on a table during an emergency C-section.Bethenny confessed that she was planning on seeing a therapist to help her cope with her father’s death and all the changes in her life.  Then Jason declared, “I think if you’re a couple and you need to go to counseling, it’s over.”  This relationship is so fucked, seriously.  It really doesn’t appear that these two agree on anything.  Before you know it, Bethenny will be doing a reality show as a New York single career mom à la Kelly Cutrone. Cut to Bethenny arriving at Dr. Amador’s office, camera crew in tow, to reveal her deepest feelings about the loss of her family, her relationship, and pregnancy.  Bethenny admitted that Jason wants people around all the time and she doesn’t.  Dr. Amador inquired as to Bethenny’s parents, and she disclosed that she more or less has been out of touch with her parents since she was fifteen and never really had a relationship with her dad.  She confessed that even on his deathbed, her father failed to acknowledge her in a way she desperately needed him to for closure.  Dr. Amador concluded, “If I had the experience you described I’d be terrified of relationships.”

Max showed up for his first day of work, and Jason came in to beat his chest and mark his turf.  After giving Max a little grief, the two bonded and ended up fist bumping much to Bethenny’s chagrin.  Would you hang a picture of your bare ass in your office?  Just asking.

Jason reminded Bethenny he was leaving for Florida the next day and she panicked over the housewarming party.  Jason’s life-long friend was coming into town, and Bethenny didn’t want him and his girlfriend to stay at their apartment.  Bethenny, as a New Yorker, have you not realized that house guests are a part of urban living?  She totally over-reacted and unleashed her pregnant pit-bull attack on Jason in the kitchen.  They argued over the issue all the way to the jeweler to select their wedding bands before they agreed to shelve the argument during the shopping. Since Bethenny explicitly mentioned the name of the jeweler, the rings were probably free or deeply discounted.  Therefore, Bethenny’s statements about paying off the rings were totally disingenuous.  Me no likey that fake ass shit.

Bethenny prepped for the gathering and complained about having to meet the expectations of guests attending a chef’s party.  While she and her gay Chuck hassled Max over his metrosexuality, Bethenny received a call from Jason as the camera panned to ominous snowy weather. Jason dropped the news that he was not going to make it in time for the party, and this threw Bethenny into full on hysteria.  You already have a fucking camera crew living at your house Bethenny, what are a few more friends?  Woman up, get over it, put on a smile, and host the shit out of the party. Bethenny’s discomfort manifested itself as mania, and she prattled a little too loud and fast to all the guests as they arrived. In another sign this relationship is doomed, Riccio, Jason’s best man, clearly hated Bethenny as she interrupted and dismissed him to talk about herself.  Bethenny complains that fame went to Jill’s head, but it is moments like these where Bethenny proves just how self-important and unlikable she’s become. Alex and Simon brought a housewarming orchid (nice touch), and Alex offered to throw Bethenny a wedding/baby shower. Jason called to apologize to the group for missing the party.  Bethenny admitted all the drama was in her head, but his friends looked truly uncomfortable that they had been left alone with the megalomaniacal reality star.