Tag Archives: Kelly Killoren Bensimon

RHNY: Horseshit

We met up with LuAnn and a teenage Victoria in the Hamptons.  Victoria reassured the Countess that she was perfectly fine with the weekend mommy arrangement.  LuAnn took her daughter’s permission to play Sex and the City with a sigh of relief.  Big surprise a 15 year old doesn’t want her mom around.  Internet scandal involving sweet little Victoria in 3…2…1…Sonja joined Kelly in the Hamptons for a ride at the amazingly impeccable Wölffer Estate StablesKelly tried to show off, even though her riding skills aren’t particularly impressive.  Kelly triggered Sonja’s competitive streak, emboldening her to try and match Kelly canter for canter.  Her over-confidence resulted in a humbling ass-first dismount into a pile of horseshit.LuAnn, Sonja, and Barshop debated the merits of Quogue where Barshop planned a riding party of her own.  In the course of the conversation, Sonja and LuAnn revealed that they didn’t receive evites to the event and a wave of panic swept Barshop’s face.  Then Sonja made a jab about putting Completely Bare emails in her junk folder, and that pretty much set the hot wax on that relationship.  Now how long until Barshop tears a strip of Sonja’s ass, or will it be the other way around?One glass of Pinot Grigio later, Ramona mounted a sanctimonious high-horse of her own by making critical digs about LuAnn’s parenting style, calling her a “Weekend Mom.”Barshop stirred the horseshit by pulling Kelly aside under the pretext of warning her not to bring her children to Sonja’s upcoming soiree.  The whole exchange really made no sense because Ramona was there at LuAnn’s, would be at Quogue later, and therefore would have numerous opportunities to confront Kelly with or without Sonja’s meddling.At the controversial Quogue party, Ramona demanded Pinot Grigio and a trusty mount immediately.  She had something critical to say about everything from the food to her lack of autonomy while riding.  After turning her nose up at every aspect of the party, Ramona pressed Kelly to talk about the stupid fight they are in that no one cares about.  Kelly learned her lesson with Bethenny a couple seasons back and steadfastly rebuffed Ramona’s efforts to engage her.Ramona joined the other ladies already seated around a table.  Barshop stirred the shit again when she mentioned a brunch Kelly was hosting the next day from which Ramona was excluded.  Rude people love to call other people rude, and Ramona couldn’t help but call Kelly out on the social faux pas.Ramogre stomped around the party in search of a new victim when Howard, Cindy’s brother, caught her eye.  She approached him and insisted that they have a conversation about the weird cigar moment at the wedding from earlier this season.  Like Kelly, Howard also tried to deflect Ramona’s attempts at a confrontation by pointing out that his elderly father was sitting at the table behind them.  Howard politely refused several times and eventually just straight up turned his back and ignored her.  Barshop noticed the scene and stepped in to pull Ramona away.The convoluted cigar conflict is still incomprehensible.  The whole thing started with Ramona owing an apology and now she’s demanding one?  Is it clear to anyone why she is so upset?All this horseshit makes me actually miss Jill.  Thankfully, she returns next week.

RHNY: Cobbled Together

Alex invited Sonja to a damage-control lunch to smooth over the embarrassing squabble.  The motivation for the meal comes not from Alex’s interest in repairing the relationship, but instead in the realistic fear that the rift with Morgan might jeopardize her camera time this season.After quickly reaching an impasse, the two buttah blondes agreed to drop the tiff – which of course means we’ll be hearing about this petty shit for the next eight weeks. The French Fonz threw a wine and cheese party.  He provided the wine, and LuAnn provided the cheese – specifically by making obvious and gag-inducing double entendres about spitting and swallowing.  The highbrow speed dating was as awkward and boring as it has been in the hundred other reality shows where the gimmick has been featured.Simon threw Alex an unpretentious picnic birthday party on Gov Island.  The early October wind whipped guests and the masses huddled around a sad little plate of pigs in a blanket.  Barshop and Bensimon arrived with their kids, surveyed the scene, and quickly retreated back to Manhattan.David Meister invited Ramona to walk the runway, and LuAnn, Sonja, Alex, and Simon came to mock support her.  Serious details were overlooked, like organizing the models backstage and fitting Ramona with a proper undergarment.  Her performance was only marginally better than last year, but she keeps getting asked back because Ramona’s best and worst quality is that she is nearly impossible to embarrass.In an effort to kick-start her middle-aged modeling career, Alex participated in a portfolio-building photo shoot with Mark VeltmanAlex labors under the delusion that she’s going to supplement her “consulting” income by making bank as a model.At her core, Alex is such a fucking try-hard dork.  The woman has absolutely no swagger.  Even though the hair and makeup team turned her out, she couldn’t make the editorial Bride of Frankenstein look werk.Lacking the same self-shame chromosome as Ramona, Alex tried to rock her photo shoot hair to the event later that evening.  A couple of hours prior, the hair was mayjah, and with the right attitude and outfit, I’m all for serving a little avante garde at the party.  However, Alex lacked the confidence and sophistication to successfully take the look from editorial to cocktail.When Cohen delayed the season, he promised it wasn’t due to lack of drama.  Instead he claimed the show would benefit from breathing room between filming and airing.  Now three episodes deep, the fourth go-round feels cobbled together and disconnected.  Don’t get it twisted Bravo, Showtime’s got Cock Cages, so you best step it up.

RHNY: MEWY MEWY

Self-proclaimed “gay icon” Sonja hosted the Marriage Equality March pre-party and expected the rest of the women to fawn over her like it was her actual wedding day.  Both she and Alex labored under the misapprehension that it was “her day” and the two went tit to tit trading bitchy self-important barbs.Alex believed the day was hers because she’d been involved in the project for months and won’t let anyone forget she served on the committee.  At the last moment, planners asked Sonja to act as Grand Marshall and speak at the rally.  The timing indicates she was a last minute replacement for someone more relevant, interesting, well-spoken.Once at the Equality March, Simon’s sequins came unglued when he learned that Sonja brokered an exclusivity clause in her contract which precluded any of the other cast members from speaking.  This season, Sonja came to play and apparently she brought her legal team.Unrelenting in their commitment to fame Marriage Equality, Alex and Simon first plead with Sonja to allow Simon to raise his rainbow at the podium.  When she ignored their pleas and turned her back, Alex hovered behind her whispering maliciously in her ear.  Kelly, the ambassador of crazy, turned and yelled, “We are embarrassing ourselves!” X four.  The awkwardly loud rebuke stunned the rest of the hen house into temporary silence.A more magnanimous person might have just allowed Simon to speak, but if the tables were turned and Simon had an exclusive speaking engagement, would he share the spotlight with Sonja?  Doubtful.  Cut from the same social-climbing cloth, all three keep tirelessly trudging up the ladder, even if they happen to be on slightly different rungs.  Sonja went out of her way to knock Alex and Simon down a peg or two.  Trust that Silex will not let this slight go unanswered.Sonja hosted a cocktail party to reveal an unflattering painting that the artist she’s banging painted of her.  Alex pulled Sonja aside and the two began to argue about the events of the day.  The fight fermented to the point where Sonja asked Alex to leave while screaming at her about her bad manners in front of a room full of guests.The Cuntess summed up the importance of squabble by saying, “I don’t know what Alex was wearing to Sonja’s party.  It was some kind of S&M bondage thing.  I would have kicked her out just for the dress.”On the brink of tears, Alex stood on the sidewalk in her high-class hooker heels, stunned and embarrassed, recounting the tale to Simon.Cut back to Sonja greeting Barshop and complimenting her on her nude Miu Miu – which she pronounced “Mewy Mewy.”  Bitch please.  No gay icon mispronounces Miu Miu.

RHNY: Smack Her Back

Blonderexic Alex seems determined to earn her salary this season by working unnecessary drama into every social encounter.  Alex described Jill’s totally neutral hello as “incredibly aggressive.”  What’s incredibly aggressive is Alex’s shameless grab for camera time.  On the way out, Alex invited the group to the equality march across the Brooklyn Bridge in full bridal regalia.Ramona and Sonja headed downtown under the pretense of attending an art benefit co-hosted by new cast member Cindy.  Successful IVF mother of two and owner of a string of waxing salons, Cindy claims to have it all and not need a man.The rest of the crones arrived in different pairs.  Alex got iced out of a few photographs and coped by drowning her pain in free champagne.  Her self-conscious hovering smacks of effort.  I wish effort would smack her back.Once Jill got wind of Cindy’s test tube twins, she had to know every detail about their conception.  First she grilled Kelly, and when that well dried she went right to the source.  When Cindy joined the circle, Jill prefaced her intense inquisition by saying, “Would it be too personal if I asked a couple of questions?”Ramona terrorized interviewed potential assistants, and one after one the ladies wilted in her domineering, critical presence.  Rudemona went so far as to thrust her skincare product on one girl and inform her she didn’t need to be pretty – just pulled together.In the Hamptons, Ramona hosted Alex and Simon for an overnight since all four planned to attend a wedding together.  Over bagels, the busted blonde broads prematurely gloated at the idea of Jill not knowing Alex would be at the event.Ramona and Alex must have shared a crack pipe before they got dressed because they both showed up to a wedding in white/ivory.  Both looked fug and so wrong.  They might as well have given the bride the finger.  Furthermore, considering Bethenny and Jill are both in the shapewear business now, it’s a mystery why Alex can’t grasp the concept of  a proper undergarment.  After the ceremony, Ramona added fuck-up to faux pas when she was overheard talking shit about some other guests (including Cindy’s brother?), thereby causing offense and tense embarrassment.Alex cornered Jill and needled her over lending her name to the equality march but not participating in it.  Throughout the afternoon Jill stewed over the confrontation.  Later, when she took shade with two other ladies, she unleashed on Alex, calling her a “fucking bitch.”  Proving she hasn’t changed much, Jill followed it up by saying, “Look at her.  She is socializing at a party that is so above her.”Alex and Ramona joined the group, and Alex reignited her pecking over whether Jill knew she was going to be at the wedding.  It was a meaningless point to press and just made Alex look petty, desperate, and attention-seeking.Ramona swept the event with an impressive three party fouls.  The final one occurred when Ramona dug her finger into the previously unmolested wedding cake.

RHNY: The Lost (their fucking minds) Footage

Bravo wrung every last drop out of this season of the RHNY, finally putting it to rest by airing unseen clips repackaged as “lost footage.”

Sonja accompanied Ramona to get her sweat glands eradicated by ultrasound.  Note the Tru Renewal in the waiting room, even Dr. Giese is on the payroll. Sonja turned gray as Dr. Giese jabbed a metal rod in and out of Ramona’s armpit.  Sonja compared the scene to a veal chop, and Ramona replied that she was getting hungry.  The staff brought Sonja a juice box to help her through the trauma of witnessing the gruesome procedure. The nausea continued to build as we followed Jill and Bobby into ChopardJill fixated on a rose gold 1.79 diamond carat watch (conservatively $25-30,000.00) whining like Veruca Salt that “she waaaanted it!”  Hoping to extend her good fortune, she requested the salesmen bring over a necklace too!  When the salivating salesmen brought over a 10 carat flawless diamond ring priced at $3.7 million, Bobby started to turn as gray as Sonja did during Ramona’s surgery.  Jill declared she always gets screwed because her birthday, the holidays, and their anniversary come one after another and she gets “combined gifts.”  Yeah, combined gifts worth over $30,000!

Sonja apparently got her liposuction, and Kelly stopped by to see her in her post-operative convalescence.  Kelly brought Sonja a “cleanse” to inspire her to take better (non-surgical) care of herself.  Kelly then got all sanctimonious and said,  “I want you to tell your daughter that you were too lazy to work out and got liposuction.”  Preach Kelly!  P.S. if you want to see some sloppy-ass editing watch this scene again, the cleanse is on the bed in a shot before Kelly gives it to Sonja.   This shit is totally The Hills, cougar-style.

Kelly and Ramona worked out together in St. John.  Kelly kept the elliptical on level three as she talked Ramona’s ear off.  Ramona ignored her while she tried to concentrate on her five lbs shoulder presses.  Kelly, a genetic freak at six feet tall, has no idea of what it takes to maintain a real woman’s body.  Nice forearm plank Ramona, werk!

Sonja, Jen, Alex, and Simon gathered in Times Square for the reveal of Bethenny’s I’d Rather Go Naked campaign.  Whatever.  PETA is so super fucking hypocritical I can’t even get started, but that’s a discush for another day.  Bethenny annoyingly mugged for the cameras as Sonja confessed her jealousy by admitting she wished she was up there.  Sonja’s honesty is so unusual and refreshing, no?

Most of the girls showed for Ramona’s birthday party at the Chat Noir.  Kelly and Jill took it upon themselves to rearrange the place cards.  Ramona lost her shit because it was a rude and presumptuous move.  That said, can we just sit where we want to sit please?  Enough with the control-freak seating chart shit – it’s so antiquated.We wrapped at the Reunion where we learned the Countess has a record deal, Kelly’s working on some top-secret shit, Jill got a hobby – a bedding line, Sonja’s returning to her relaxed lifestyle, Silex is working a summer book tour, Ramona’s enjoying her renewal, and Bethenny declared now it’s all about Bryn and Jason.  I think this is the last time we will see this incarnation of the ladies together.  Adieu materialistic shrews, we will miss you.

RHNY Reunion Part 3: The Anti-Semitic Prick Deserved It

Off the bat we got a juicy bit of gossip regarding the St. John trip.  Apparently, Kelly was asked to leave and was escorted home by a producer back to the mainland.  Kelly got bounced from Scary Island ya’ll. 

Kelly returned from her self-imposed time out and continued to play the victim card.  In a never ending tautology, Sonja, Ramona, and Bethenny denied picking on her, and Kelly continued to accuse them of bullying.  Ramona yelled at her like she was deaf, “NO ONE WAS MEAN TO YOU!”  However, no amount of reasoning, yelling, or gesticulation appeared to sway the perpetual hair twirler’s perspective.Andy introduced footage of Jill’s warm reception in St. John.  Jill keeps talking about how she couldn’t come to St. John originally because she had to help Ally prepare for her college essays. Jill, Ally is a grown-ass woman going away to college and can prepare her own fucking applications, so give the weak sauce pretext a rest.

Ramona yelled at Jill for not apologizing upon arrival and got a little showy with her charade skills in the process. Sonja commented that while they did throw out a friend, it was rude for Jill to show up unannounced.  It is rude to show up without calling, but when a guest arrives you really need to make the best of it.  As Kelly would say, make lemons out of lemonade.

Countess LuAnn proved elegance is learned when she spoke frankly about the challenges of the last couple years.  She refused to directly comment on the infidelity rumors, but I don’t think we care if she boinked behind the Count’s back.  The smug, anti-Semitic prick probably deserved it.  Please note, however, no matter how intense things get, the Countess NEVER cries.  That bitch has one stiff upper lip. Kelly Bensimon reminds us why models really should keep their pie holes shut.  Kelly, as a model, peaked eons ago, but that was her contribution.  That’s really all she has to give, so you really shouldn’t be surprised she’s a moron.  When Andy rolled her montage, all the scenes of her nonsense pieced together emphasized the depth of her idiocy.  She ain’t crazy; she’s just really, really, dumb. The reunion trifecta ended with Jill pathetically pleading with Bethenny for a hug.  Jill repeated “I really miss you,” through tears, to which Bethenny coldly responded, “I know.”

R.I.P. Bethenny and Jill’s friendship

2007-2010

RHNY Reunion Part 2: Jill Classes It Up

Andy didn’t miss a beat, and we picked up right where we left off on part 1 of the reunion.  I hear this marathon of crazy was taped over an eight hour period. Alex and Bethenny said Jill only wanted to make up with Bethenny because she looked bad on TV.  Jill admitted that she didn’t want to be the one who appeared to antagonize the pregnant engaged girl. In the first segment, Jill just bent over and took it up the ass.  Ramona reiterated that Jill tried to talk the Housewives out of filming with Bethenny in an effort to sabotage her show.  Unsurprisingly, this anti-filming angle is common practice among the cast since a gathering of more than one Housewife exponentially increases the chances the footage will make the cut.  Jill straight up admitted she was wrong, and as a result never looked classier.  The barrage of criticism became so intense that Bethenny stepped in to relieve the poor dead horse of its suffering.Segment two introduced newest Housewife Sonja Morgan and her overactive cougar crotch.  Her oversexed video montage seemed out of place amid all the other catfight videos, but it did provide a little levity in a sea of conflict laden exchanges.  Let’s take this opportunity to praise Sonja for making the decision to keep her daughter entirely off the show.  While she may come off a little vapid, her parenting decision on this point is both thoughtful and responsible. Andy rolled footage of all the malapropisms the Housewives busted out this season.  Since malapropisms fall from these dumb bitches’ lips like leaves off a tree in autumn, the montage was pretty long and included gems like:

I’m not Madonna, but I could be the female Barry White – Countess

I want to be Robin to Batman – Kelly

You are making a mountain out of a hole mill – Ramona

You are making lemons out of lemonade – Kelly

The final segment started the discush of Scary Island (AKA St. John, I’m sure their board of tourism is thrilled).  We learned that Kelly’s breakdown was actually way more severe and major then what aired.  Since Bravo has no soul, their exercise of self-restraint in the editing room speaks to the true intensity of the meltdown. Kelly recounted her totally fictional account of “systematic bullying” while the other ladies wondered what fucking trip she went on.  She claimed there was some sort of island intervention with Bethenny.  I’m intrigued.  More information please. Along this line, the highlight of part 2 of the reunion came when Kelly said in reference to St. John, “I was forced by Bravo to go on the trip.”  Andy responded, “That’s not true, but I appreciate it, but it’s not true.”  Kelly then snapped back “everybody knows that and…” Andy interrupted, this time with some gay sass, “That’s not true.”  Kelly then says “Andy it is true though, but thank you I appreciate that.”  I’m over Bethenny and Jill, this snark between Kelly and Andy was the most unexpected zing of the show.  You gotta love it when the ladies air Bravo’s dirty laundry. The Countess pointed out that Kelly instigated much of the conflict and didn’t follow the program in St. John.  Bethenny followed up unleashing on her saying she has psychological and emotional problems.  With that, Kelly walked off the stage….

RHNY REUNION PART 1: The Obsession with Fame is Embarrassing

The first two segments of the reunion rehashed old boring battles; the meat of the matter came down to Jill and Bethenny.  The tension started to build after Bethenny’s film montage when Andy turned his attention to the expectant Mrs. Hoppy to discuss all the big changes in her life.  Jill trampled over Bethenny’s time, adding her unwelcomed yenta commentary where it didn’t belong.  Bethenny tried to politely ignore the intrusion as Jill interrogated her about her pregnancy gain, commented on her boobs, and declared America would hate her for losing her baby weight so fast. Bethenny got some shit for taking her pregnancy test on camera.  She justified her conduct by saying the audience would feel cheated if she didn’t show it.  Bethenny, rest assured, no one wants to watch you pee on a stick.  Fame has clearly has gone to this bitch’s head.

Jill’s film montage came next, and clip after clip of her bad behavior had her in tears before Andy had a chance to fling any questions her way.  She admitted she didn’t like who she was this season (you and me both Jill).  After first rationalizing her behavior over the season, she ultimately apologized and expressed regret.  She summed up by professing her love for Bethenny and stated her hope for a future friendship.Bethenny turned and told Jill she was going to tell her straight, never a good sign coming from a Scorpio.  Bethenny began a long tabulation of Jill’s character flaws including accusations that: fame had gone to her head, she wanted everything to be about her, she resented all the good things that were happening to Bethenny, she lorded it over Bethenny that she got her on the show, and she keeps track of gifts.  It was truly an exhausting litany. The real humdinger was when Bethenny busted out some solid gold gossip with the accusation that Jill told Ramona and Alex not to film with her in an attempt to “sabotage her show.”  Alex reinforced the notion by adding that it seemed like Jill tried to cut Bethenny out of HousewivesBethenny jumped in and said that Jill only tried to mend their relationship when her plan went south. The conversation hit a brick wall when Bethenny said that Jason doesn’t like Jill, and she’s not willing to restructure her life to find a place for Jill in it.  Jill said she missed Bethenny and walked off the stage… In the single most insightful statement of her life, Kelly closed it out by saying “the obsession with fame is embarrassing.”

RHNY: Show up for the important stuff

This week on the season finale, Jill and Bethenny finally sat down for their long-awaited confrontation at Le CirqueJill nervously prattled on doing her usual yenta small talk shtick before she eventually got down to it.She weakly apologized for not being ready to accept Bethenny’s apology at Ramona’s (which is basically a bullshit non-apology).  Bethenny found the small talk more unnerving than confrontation, so she dove in and labeled Jill disloyal and the disintegration of the relationship equivalent to divorce.Neither of the two wanted to dredge up the past, but unless they level with each other the relationship can’t move on.  Jill can throw as many potato latkes at the situation as she wants, but Bethenny doesn’t give a fuck. Scorpios never let things go.Bethenny, a cold-hearted bitch to the core, didn’t even soften in the face of Jill’s prostrate humility.  Mostly because Bethenny believed that Jill’s motives were more self-serving than sincerely contrite.

At La Pomme, the Cuntess busted out her glitter pants for the big debut of her new single Money Can’t Buy You Class.We finally got to meet LuAnn’s new boyfriend, the French Fonze.  The Cuntess bubbled with mid-life puppy love for her new beau as she proudly introduced him around the crowd.As for the performance, it sounded like the Cuntess sang over a vocal track, and for a second I thought I had accidentally switched to RuPaul’s Drag Race.

We met up with Bethenny and Jason moving out of her UES apartment in favor of larger Soho cohabited square footage.  This segment proved that Bethenny’s been holding out all season.  Should we resent the fact that she’s obviously saved all the good stuff for her spin off?Jill surprised Ramona to congratulate her and provide the requisite pre-ceremony fawning.  Jill said something worth emphasizing.

You have to show up for the important stuff.”

Despite vow renewal fatigue, Ramona and Mario moved the crowd to tears with words of their devotion.  Avery was skeptical about her Mom’s intentions for this vow renewal, but Ramona managed to wring some sincere sentiment from the event.Waterworks aside, a woman in her fifties prancing down a staircase in a feathered white wedding gown is a definite dignity issue.  Do I even need to comment on the fucking dog?

The matrimonial outpouring of emotion triggered a chain reaction at the reception, and one by one the ladies coupled up to reconcile their differences.Kelly and Ramona bonded over a book of St. John photos Kelly put together.  Nice gesture Kelly, way to wrap things up on a good note.Bethenny pulled Ramona and Alex aside and spewed a bunch of emotional back-handed compliments about how surprised she was they were here for her this year.  Ramona summed it up when she said, “Now you know, you can trust us,” before the three hugged it out.