Tag Archives: Khloe Kardashian

Cookie Butter fueled

TJ SPECULOOS COOKIE BUTTERSHope you had a great weekend lovelies.  3 shows in 3 days + massive weekend work demands = one exhausted little dove.  I’m fueled by bananas and Trader Joe’s Speculoos Cookie Butter - a truly crackish combo.  I’m awfully thrilled to welcome best pal KB back to town along with her partner.  She’s a super smart lady and an exceptional friend.  I look forward to all the trouble we can get into now they we’re geographically proximate.ROMY AND MICHELEI’ve only tinted my eyelashes once seven years ago, but I’m going to try again this Friday.  Loyal readers understand my personal beauty holy grail involves continually dark lashes without pesky under-eye mascara smudges.

EYELASH TINT

My recent banking fiasco motivated a change in financial institutions.  When the new credit union ran my credit the astonished banker said it was refreshing to see such a high credit score.  To celebrate my fiscal responsibility I went shopping.  In a moment of magical, mystical, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants shit, I found not one, but new three pairs of jeans.  Not only did I find an unlikely triad of sexual jeans (Rag & Bone, Current/Elliott, Vigoss), but they were buy 1 get 2 free.  Grateful to the Denim Gods.KHLOE RAG & BONE

Mung bean sprouts remedy constipation.  Moving along…

MUNG BEAN SPROUTS

 

Pineapple Pussy

Didja all catch the pineapple pussy-off on last night’s Kourtney & Kim Take Miami?  In case you didn’t, Kim and Kourtney debated who had a sweeter smelling puss and decided to put their minges to the challenge of cultivating the freshest scent.  To enhance their natural aroma, the girls drank pineapple juice like it was the new master cleanse.  I wondered if this was just some krazy shit Kris thought up as a desperate ratings ploy, but no, this pineapple juice drinking is an actual thing people do on purpose to sweeten excretions.  Who knows if the technique has actual merit?  All you really want to know is who won the pussy stank-off, right?  Guess who judged?  Sister Khloe.  Yeah, inhale that.  Anyway, no surprise Kim’s world famous twat won against Kourtney’s all-natural baby maker.

This vadge-centric episode also included a very weird encounter with Khloe and Kegel balls.  The first one dropped out easily, but the second got stuck – until Kourtney spanked it out of her. 

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Forbidden Friday

So no matter what happens this weekend, we are absolutely forbidden from partaking in the following behaviors.

Childish Alcoholic Douchebaggery.

No belly shots, keg stands, quarters, beruit, or other drinking games spawned from the land of Kappa Kappa Kunts.  Trust me – you’ve graduated.

Enjoy no more than 5 cocktails, and if any one of you makes that Mercy-laced cocktail recipe courtesy of GOOP then I will issue an official fatwa on your ass.  Take that shit to Gwyneth’s townhouse.  Wanna cure your hangover?  Set aside a fat rail from your eight ball and reserve it for breakfast.  Problem solved.  Put that in your newsletter Mizz Martin.

Mopping up the Dregs.

No matter how desperate, horny, or lonely, avoid finding a fuck partner the last twenty minutes the bar is open.  When has a truly satisfying sexual experience come from sorting through the dregs at last call?  Better question, how many of these encounters require a side order of Valtrex with the following morning’s Mimosa brunch.  Don’t kick off 2012 with a trip to the free clinic.

Including the drama couple.

Most of us are friends with at least one couple that can’t make it through an entire evening without getting into some loud dramatic stunt queen shit that sours the fun for everyone.  Avoid those assholes this weekend.

Drinking and Driving

DUI’s are so 2007 and so inexcusable.  For those dumbasses thinking of riding home on their bikes drunk (FYI, you can still get a DUI on a bike), did I ever tell you about that night I spent in the hospital with my friend Oskar after he cracked his head open drunk biking home from the bars one night?  Fun story.

Bitch & Complain

Nothing sucks up fun like a whiny bitch.  I’ll sum this up with one of my favorite quotes (which has been attributed to several different people including: Katharine Hepburn, Wallis Simpson, Henry Ford II, Benjamin Disraeli, and John Wayne, but who knows where it originated?)

Never Complain.  Never Explain.

Kim’s Fairytale Pre-Divorce Party

Look, I know we’ve all suffered severe Kardashian fatigue, but I can’t deny watching the first and second parts of the Kim Kardashian wedding miniseries (like the rest of you bitches).  I think we can all agree the major takeaway is that Humphries is an insufferable asshole.   Please enjoy five reasons why Kris Humphries will be the second, but not last husband of the poorman’s Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Kardashian.1)  The Dogs.  The moment K+K began bickering over the dogs, it was obvious they were incompatible.  A neat freak will never be comfortable with animals crawling amid the duvet and contaminating the bed.  Furthermore, arriving with dogs without asking first was a totally self-important dick move on Humphries‘ part.  2) He’s late.  Setting aside the absurdity of a modern couple registering at Geary’s, when a groom is scheduled to appear on wedding related-business, he best show up on time.  Kommandant Kris Jenner calls all the shots in this family; a bad impression with her and end up with a million dollar cap on the pre-nup.  3) He talks too much.  This oversized oaf fucking talks too much, no?  He’s yapping at Khloe, poking the bear.  He talks shit behind Kim’s back.  He constantly blurts dumbass comments and causes offense.  He’s confused if he thinks he’s the star of the show, honey.  Know your place Hump; you get paid to toss balls, not provide narrative.  At the time of filming he didn’t even have a ball-tossing job; does he now? 4) He’s controlling.  Raise the red flag when the groom cares so much about the color scheme he’s Skyping the wedding planner.  A recent run-in with an über controlling groom was very unattractive.  Not to sound old timey, but go smoke a cigar and let the womenfolk fuss over arrangements.  5) He’s arrogantHumphries emits the stank of undeserved superiority.  Nobody knew who his ass was before Kim, and no one cares now.  He needs to stop acting irreplaceable.  And why did he race outta the room when Khloe pressed him on his STD history?We totally hate him, right?  If for no other reason than because he makes me sympathize with these vapid Kardashian Kuntz.  How long are second marriages running these days?  9 months?  I got $5 on 9 months in our theoretical office pool.

 

 

Enough Herve

I’ve been trolling around for some ferocious looks for a wedding rolling up this Labor Day weekend and can’t believe the stale inventory at many boutiques.  After a few years of ubiquity, can we give the Herve Leger a rest please?  Holy fucking bandage dress enough is enough.Hardcore body-con has been over for quite awhile.  Even skanks who wore this look two years ago donned it two years too late since this shit hasn’t looked fresh since before oh-eight.  Let’s move on from the shrink wrapped look to something a little less obvious and desperate.  Hate to break it, but as you can see, the silhouette is not as forgiving or wearable as many girls would like to believe.Courtesy of Max Azria, Leger’s one trick pony has pranced up and down the runway with slight variations for several seasons.  Is that all you got Herve?  I’m sick of the same old tired tea.  Give me something fresh please.Seriously, this glorified spanx shit is so boring.  I know I’m not the first to raise this objection, but this dress keeps coming back.  Please don’t; promise you won’t.

Sunday with Matrimony