Didja all catch the pineapple pussy-off on last night’s Kourtney & Kim Take Miami? In case you didn’t, Kim and Kourtney debated who had a sweeter smelling puss and decided to put their minges to the challenge of cultivating the freshest scent. To enhance their natural aroma, the girls drank pineapple juice like it was the new master cleanse. I wondered if this was just some krazy shit Kris thought up as a desperate ratings ploy, but no, this pineapple juice drinking is an actual thing people do on purpose to sweeten excretions. Who knows if the technique has actual merit? 
All you really want to know is who won the pussy stank-off, right? Guess who judged? Sister Khloe. Yeah, inhale that. Anyway, no surprise Kim’s world famous twat won against Kourtney’s all-natural baby maker.
This vadge-centric episode also included a very weird encounter with Khloe and Kegel balls. The first one dropped out easily, but the second got stuck – until Kourtney spanked it out of her. 
So no matter what happens this weekend, we are absolutely forbidden from partaking in the following behaviors.
Drinking and Driving
Look, I know we’ve all suffered severe Kardashian fatigue, but I can’t deny watching the first and second parts of the Kim Kardashian wedding miniseries (like the rest of you bitches). I think we can all agree the major takeaway is that Humphries is an insufferable asshole. Please enjoy five reasons why Kris Humphries will be the second, but not last husband of the poorman’s Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Kardashian.
1) The Dogs. The moment K+K began bickering over the dogs, it was obvious they were incompatible. A neat freak will never be comfortable with animals crawling amid the duvet and contaminating the bed. Furthermore, arriving with dogs without asking first was a totally self-important dick move on Humphries‘ part. 
2) He’s late. Setting aside the absurdity of a modern couple registering at Geary’s, when a groom is scheduled to appear on wedding related-business, he best show up on time. Kommandant Kris Jenner calls all the shots in this family; a bad impression with her and end up with a million dollar cap on the pre-nup. 
3) He talks too much. This oversized oaf fucking talks too much, no? He’s yapping at Khloe, poking the bear. He talks shit behind Kim’s back. He constantly blurts dumbass comments and causes offense. He’s confused if he thinks he’s the star of the show, honey. Know your place Hump; you get paid to toss balls, not provide narrative. At the time of filming he didn’t even have a ball-tossing job; does he now? 
4) He’s controlling. Raise the red flag when the groom cares so much about the color scheme he’s Skyping the wedding planner. A recent run-in with an über controlling groom was very unattractive. Not to sound old timey, but go smoke a cigar and let the womenfolk fuss over arrangements. 
5) He’s arrogant. Humphries emits the stank of undeserved superiority. Nobody knew who his ass was before Kim, and no one cares now. He needs to stop acting irreplaceable. And why did he race outta the room when Khloe pressed him on his STD history?
We totally hate him, right? If for no other reason than because he makes me sympathize with these vapid Kardashian Kuntz. How long are second marriages running these days? 9 months? I got $5 on 9 months in our theoretical office pool.
I’ve been trolling around for some ferocious looks for a wedding rolling up this Labor Day weekend and can’t believe the stale inventory at many boutiques. After a few years of ubiquity, can we give the Herve Leger a rest please? Holy fucking bandage dress enough is enough.
Hardcore body-con has been over for quite awhile. Even skanks who wore this look two years ago donned it two years too late since this shit hasn’t looked fresh since before oh-eight. Let’s move on from the shrink wrapped look to something a little less obvious and desperate. Hate to break it, but as you can see, the silhouette is not as forgiving or wearable as many girls would like to believe.
Courtesy of Max Azria, Leger’s one trick pony has pranced up and down the runway with slight variations for several seasons. Is that all you got Herve? I’m sick of the same old tired tea. Give me something fresh please.
Seriously, this glorified spanx shit is so boring. I know I’m not the first to raise this objection, but this dress keeps coming back. Please don’t; promise you won’t. 
