Tag Archives: kids

March 2014 Horoscopes

PiscesPISCES

Happy Birthday Pisces!  You feel aglow in the energy of the new moon and all the fresh momentum that comes with Mercury’s forward moment.  Just as Mercury moves out of retrograde, here comes Mars and Saturn spinning backwards to fuck everything up for you Pisces.  Find the benefit of the slowing in certain areas.  Take this time to reevaluate relationships and finances.  These energetic gaps give you time to catch up and get sorted; seize them!  You have every right to get properly laid on your birthday.  Pisces are among the most desirable and intoxicating lovers of the zodiac.  You struggle between wanting nice things and stressing over spending.  Bring more awareness to everyday wasteful habits like those small daily expenditures.  By cutting out mindless comfort spending, you’ll have a money cushion for more significant splurges.  March is wonderful time to explore therapy little Fish.  You could use some help navigating the choppy waters.

AriesARIES

Just as Aries gets oriented to the New Year, all is about to change for you.  It’s time to call upon that Aries adaptability.  Rest and relax to start the month off in a nourished state.  Have a good cry while you’re buried in the covers.  Get your body back in shape before the equinox.  If you’ve gotten overly invested in other people’s problems, pull that energy back and direct it towards your central relationship.  Instead of slipping into martyr mode, ask for help instead.  A series of retrogrades throughout the month cause a marked delay.  Use the tempo change to review and reassess.  Aries on the hunt for a new home finally find a nest.  For those looking to expand the family, the time is right.

TaurusTAURUS

Web-based connections become the source of meaningful collaboration in March for Taurus.  By combining your flair for first impressions with your knack for social media, you’ve created a well of resources for yourself and others to tap.  Use your broad reach to promote a person or idea you believe in strongly.  Easy, fleeting, flirty messaging is most effective – stay out of the deep end of the conversational swimming pool.  After a motivated start to 2014, you are noticeably less committed to all those big wellness goals.  Give yourself a break.  You don’t have to run a marathon just because you signed up three months ago.  Focus on your work and relationships as this is where your energy is most needed now.

GeminiGEMINI

Professionally, Gemini shines in March – perhaps a new offer?  Set up an intentional course which supports your long-term security.  Super spacey, you are known for a lot of hot air and very little hot action.  Why not pick one thing you care about and actually follow through?  Mid-month, spend a little time resting and reconnecting with family.  Schedule baby-making for the full moon.  In an effort to connect with people, you over-give and wind up feeling under-compensated.  You resent your own peace-keeping efforts even though it’s your fear of alienation that keeps you from speaking your truth.  The retrograde may tempt you with the past.  Don’t bother; it will only lead to dissatisfaction.

CancerCANCER

Freedom is your theme in March, Cancer.  A trip will help shift your perspective and allow you to let go of unhealthy attachments.  For awhile now, Cancer has been overly involved in an unsatisfying romantic situation.  Instead of getting frustrated that you can’t set up the dollhouse to your specific liking, put the dolls down and go play outside with the dog.  Better to create breathing room than allow the tension to crest into a frothy wave of frustration.  Step out of self-pity and go for what you want!  You are an achiever!  Enough with the needs of other people; it isn’t your job to gilt their path.  Your work on this planet is to continually evolve into your best self.  Remove obstacles blocking your journey to greatness.

LeoLEO

March is your month to retreat, relax, and focus on intimacy, Leo.  Feeling emotionally raw, you’d rather spend time alone or with a trusted few than risk the salt sting of the insensitive masses.  Ordinarily, Leo has an artful way of operating from ego and still remaining likable.  In March your communication style shifts from likeably effective to overly pushy.  Others notice, and it causes friction in a number of relationships if you don’t mellow a skosh.  Need another reason to stay in bed?  Your immune system is compromised this month, and therefore you are more likely to catch a bug if you are out and about.  Eat and sleep well.  Invest in your retirement mid-month.  Take a spring break trip after the equinox.

 VirgoVIRGO

Enough hibernation – Virgo’s ready for spring!  Now is the time to reach out and solidify important connections.  Meaningfully commit to the most important people in your life.  Make them a priority by your words and actions.  Reevaluate unbalanced relationships, and either create equanimity or cut the energysuck loose.  You’ve only got so much to give.  Lately, giving feels like all you’ve been doing in certain relationships.  Has codependency enslaved you?  Are you still involved because you fear aloneness?  Work stress paired with money panic creates the most anxiety in March.  Don’t need the stars to tell you to curb the extra spending to allay fiscal concerns.

LibraLIBRA

Start March off tight and right with a thorough tidying sesh, Libra.  The dustbunnies have formed a colony; it’s time to go in and eradicate the filth.  Even though housework seems basic, organization saves time – of which you have little to spare.  Libran energy ebbs and flows this March.  When you are feeling it – sweep.  When you don’t feel like vacuuming – lie around in your comfies.  No judgment.  Conserve your resources and make sure your rainy day fund is full.  Emergency money is a must.  Ensure you have the reserves to weather a crisis.  The multiple pulls on your time have you feeling like a ragdoll.  You also feel the shade of a few critical eyes.  Don’t let it getcha down.

ScorpioSCORPIO

March to your own beat and express yourself Scorpio.  From your playful vantage point, you could give a fuck about what anybody thinks this month.  Boldly deliver your message of compassion and love!  Be mindful of retrogrades causing backspins throughout March.  Intense demands on your time coupled with this energetic slowing in certain sectors can make you feel like you can’t access all your power.  Know you’ve already survived the worst this year has to offer.  Continue on your recent path of self-improvement; there’s still more work to do.  The universe will continue to test you by sending people who are all talk.  As you get stronger, needy people swarm.  You aren’t running an emotional soup kitchen.  If folks aren’t bringing anything to the table, don’t invite them to dine.  Communicate gentle truth.  From the 20th forward, it’s all about the spring revamp starting with a super lean and strong body.

SagittariusSAGITTARIUS

Self and home improvements dominate March for Sagittarius.  After a busy few months, you finally have the time to look around and see mess that has accumulated in your haste.  As you take a longer look in the mirror, you’re annoyed by areas of neglect.  March makes a great time for spring cleaning, so stay in and tidy up.  Continue to focus on a few key relationships and mentors.  Call your Dad.  Weakened defenses make you particularly susceptible to a bout of whatever’s currently communicable.  Take every extra precaution against germy contact with the masses.  Nourish and support your body with healthy food and sleep instead of loading up with symptom-masking drugs.  After the equinox, you’ll feel like getting up and out on the scene again.

CapricornCAPRICORN

With a cooling at work, Capricorn has the time and energy to evaluate relationships in March.  You’ve tolerated the flakiness of friends long enough and you’re feeling a lot less patient with the antics of others.  Pursue an equal partner who you can truly trust.  Super attractive in March, you’ll have no issues luring a desirable mate.  Any resistance in relationships lifts as an influential retrograde ends.  Take a spring break trip during the second half of March, but think more metaphysical than meta physical.  If you’re still going hard on your New Year’s resolution workout routine, consider giving your body a rest.  Overdoing it can result in injury altogether sidelining you from the fun.

AquariusAQUARIUS

Aquarius cleans out the ol’ pocketbook and instead of finding extra change you find a gross pile of lint and condom wrappers.  You’ve had your share of fun.  As you recover from your birthday bloat you are ready to get back to work.  Some of your party pals will be disappointed to see you retreat, but you’ll feel better when your bank balance floats above 3 figures.  Your body will feel better when you give up your three drink minimum.  Consolidation is the theme of the March for you Aquarius, as you’ve been scattered here, there, and everywhere recently.  March brings the potential for some really good sex if you focus in on the right person.  When you feel like you can truly merge with someone special, pursue the connection with ferocious aggression.

I refuse to give up from childhood…

CRAYOLA 96…A brand new jumbo box of Crayola crayons.  They come in an expanded package of 96 now!  So soft and luscious, and as an adult you won’t have to share with any of them bogarting little kindergarten bitches.  You’ve had the Peach for a half an hour and and you’ve worn it to a nub.  Geez, I hated children even more when I was a child. HORSES PRINT AND COLOR…Tantrums.  I was at IKEA today marveling at the kids under three maintaining in that soul-suck.  I was ready to throw a tantrum after fifteen minutes of that overstimulating warehell.  IKEA TANTRUM…Macaroni & cheese and/or grilled cheese.  I don’t need to add truffles or any of that fancy shit to justify it either.  I’ll take onion and tomato on the grilled cheese and a side of onion rings if anyone is taking orders.ONION AND TOMATO GRILLED CHEESE…Nitrous.  I was at the dentist last week and he asked me if I wanted nitrous.  I looked at him like he was crazy, “Doc who doesn’t want nitrous?”  Pass the mask and crank it up.  Give ‘em a sob story about your dental phobia and they tend to get extra generous with the dial.  SCOLDING WIVES

 

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Don’t Raise a Dickhead

KIDS YOGARecently, I invited kids to join a class I usually teach for adults.  I’m not a fan of pandering to children, so I expect the youngsters attending my class will demonstrate a modicum of self-control and respect.  In general, I treat kids as capable beings.  That’s why I blame parents when I observe many children have not been taught how to properly greet another human.MEET THE KIDSFor example I’ll say: “Hi kids, welcome to class, nice to see you again.  Thanks for joining us.”  No eye contact.  No response.  These children range in age from 6-10 years old and are quite capable of an age-appropriate level of social interaction with adults.  The accompanying parent, a highly intelligent, insightful, and successful person, makes no effort to corral the children for a proper greeting.  I find this unbelievably shocking.  Without exception, children must learn to respectfully acknowledge adults.  I need some eye contact and a bonjour at the very least.  PLEASED TO MEET YOUEven though it is fully possible that the kiddos ignore me because I’m a child-hating cunt, I’ll just humbly offer that no one is twisting their arms to come to this class and they attend quite voluntarily and enthusiastically.  So even though I am a mean witch, I haven’t revealed my broom to the little ones just yet.  This clearly isn’t a personal rebuff, but routinely rude behavior.  Unfortunately, these kids just haven’t been taught proper manners.  HI THEREObviously, parents resent advice from non-parents, but non-parents resent having to deal with rude children, so let’s just agree to call it even.  Remember: little assholes grow up to be big assholes.  We are all counting on you not to raise a dickhead.  Don’t let us down.    HOW RUDE

Celebrate Independence

JULY 4 1945EASY RIDER FONDA HOPPERSTARCAKEINDEPENDENCE PASSCREEPY JULY 4VINTAGE 4THSPARKLERFIREWORK

it isn’t summer until…

REED'S GINGER BREWS…you’ve enjoyed a Reed’s Ginger BrewDUCK DUCK GOOSE…you’ve played duck, duck, goose with some kids in the yard.   FEET FIRST…you’ve plunged in feet first.TRAFFIC…you’ve experienced gridlock.  MOSQUITO…you’ve been bitten by a mosquito. DRINK OUTSIDE…you’ve enjoyed a drink outdoors.WEDDING

…you’ve attended a wedding.TAN LINES

Sunday with Mom

The Kalalau Death March

Okay, so I’m not the super most hardcore hiker in the world, but I’ve hiked some shit and don’t get easily intimidated by physical challenges.  When I researched hiking the Kalalau Trail, one of the few ways to access the rugged Nā Pali Coast, I didn’t necessarily get hysterical when people on Tripadvisor proclaimed “You can die on this hike!”  Those bitches were right!First, Kaua’i is (obviously) muddy because of frequent rains.  Therefore, the trail is usually super muddy and slick.  It begins with difficult slippery, steep rock terrain, dries out into an exposed root section, and requires crossing a fast moving stream several times before tunneling into a terrifying stretch of super muddy path with a sheer drop-off.  I spent most of the hike repeating the mantras, “I am the rock.  I am the mud.  I am the mountain” hoping the affirmations would please the Garden Isle Gods and they might spare me a broken bone or twisted ankle.  To add another layer of intrigue, in December of 2012, apparently some methy jungle-living asshole pushed a Japanese tourist off a 15 foot cliff on this very trail.  She did not die, but was critically injured.  When I wasn’t watching the ground to ensure my footing, I was looking up the hill to make sure a psycho tweeker wasn’t about to descend on my ass.  Good times on Kaua’i!In total, I hiked 8 miles in 5 hours.  The ranger predicted it would take me 7, but he doesn’t know me.  I do work, son.Considering the difficulty and intensity of the hike, I can’t let the opportunity pass to share with you some of the profound displays of stupidity I encountered along the way.  1)  Did you really bring your infant?  Look, I know parents don’t want to leave their little babies at the resort with a sitter, but this hike was no place for a child.  Several parents carried babies in backpacks on this trail.  Without a backpack and even with three points of contact on the mountain, I still found the terrain extremely slippery and treacherous.  What happens when you slip and drop your child?  Not a good look.  Most young children will not enjoy this experience.  You will spend the whole time worrying about them, and it won’t be fun for anyone.  Depending on the child, 10 and under can sit this one out.  Drop them at the kiddie pool with Nana.2) Are you seriously wearing a skirt?  I passed a girl who was ordering everyone around wearing a khaki mid-thigh skirt.  Bitch stop supervising everyone else and put on some fucking pants.  This is not a day of shopping at the GAP.  G-sus. 3) Do you really need that tripod?  About 2/3 of the way into the 8 mile hike, I saw a couple trying to negotiate a huge tripod and some intense camera equipment through this mess.  We all enjoy a good vacation photo, but a full size tripod is overkill and trying to haul one up this gnarly trail could very well kill you.  If your name is not Ansel Adams, pack a point and click and get over it.  Best to keep your hands free and pack as light as possible. 

4)  Make sure your entire party is able-bodied.  If one or more persons in your group is scared or even lukewarm on this adventure, leave them behind.  Don’t drag folks down this path.  They will bitch throughout, possibly injure themselves, and then blame you.  Even the enthusiastic will be daunted early on, so prepare yourself to turn around if someone in your group isn’t feeling the intensity. 

5)  Check your ego.  Even the most mountain-y among you aren’t likely to have experience with this type of terrain.  The combination of ascent, rocks, roots, mud, crowds, narrowness, and consistent difficulty make this one of the most challenging hikes I’ve encountered and I live in a place with some big ass mountains. 

 

Little Miss

Annie

Ever since the northwest trip, I’ve been itching to see Annie (1982).  Must be all the drawbridges I crossed.  The classic so holds up!  Let’s Go to the MoviesLittle Girls – so may good numbers and I’m not even a person who particularly enjoys musicals.  I had this annoying friend Jessica in high school who was in every two-bit theater production in town.  I endured more than a few community productions of “Once Upon a Mattress” and “Jesus Christ Superstar” all in the name of friendship.  We aren’t friends anymore.  It’s fine; she’s stuck in my God-forsaken hometown probably still doing shitty community theater.  Sorry I’ve gotten really off track.  Back to my girls Pepper and MollyBefore the rumored Willow Smith remake treads on the memory of my favorite version which includes brilliant performances from Carol Burnett, Tim Curry, and Bernadette Peters, please watch the 1982 John Huston (Anjelica’s father) gem.  That’s Ed Herrmann as FDR ya’ll.  Only a hateful cold-hearted bitch could resist Grace Farrell. Love the climatic drawbridge scene where Punjab saves the day.  Truthfully, I enjoyed every moment of the comforting childhood friend.  As an adult you notice new things like the incredibly stylish clothes and decorating.  Just saying, if you are in a pinch for a drawbridge, Annie’s the fix.  Try to take the obvious racism in context as a quaint vestige of its time.