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Okay, so I’m not the super most hardcore hiker in the world, but I’ve hiked some shit and don’t get easily intimidated by physical challenges. When I researched hiking the Kalalau Trail, one of the few ways to access the rugged Nā Pali Coast, I didn’t necessarily get hysterical when people on Tripadvisor proclaimed “You can die on this hike!” Those bitches were right!First, Kaua’i is (obviously) muddy because of frequent rains. Therefore, the trail is usually super muddy and slick. It begins with difficult slippery, steep rock terrain, dries out into an exposed root section, and requires crossing a fast moving stream several times before tunneling into a terrifying stretch of super muddy path with a sheer drop-off. I spent most of the hike repeating the mantras, “I am the rock. I am the mud. I am the mountain” hoping the affirmations would please the Garden Isle Gods and they might spare me a broken bone or twisted ankle. To add another layer of intrigue, in December of 2012, apparently some methy jungle-living asshole pushed a Japanese tourist off a 15 foot cliff on this very trail. She did not die, but was critically injured. When I wasn’t watching the ground to ensure my footing, I was looking up the hill to make sure a psycho tweeker wasn’t about to descend on my ass. Good times on Kaua’i!In total, I hiked 8 miles in 5 hours. The ranger predicted it would take me 7, but he doesn’t know me. I do work, son.Considering the difficulty and intensity of the hike, I can’t let the opportunity pass to share with you some of the profound displays of stupidity I encountered along the way. 1) Did you really bring your infant? Look, I know parents don’t want to leave their little babies at the resort with a sitter, but this hike was no place for a child. Several parents carried babies in backpacks on this trail. Without a backpack and even with three points of contact on the mountain, I still found the terrain extremely slippery and treacherous. What happens when you slip and drop your child? Not a good look. Most young children will not enjoy this experience. You will spend the whole time worrying about them, and it won’t be fun for anyone. Depending on the child, 10 and under can sit this one out. Drop them at the kiddie pool with Nana.2) Are you seriously wearing a skirt? I passed a girl who was ordering everyone around wearing a khaki mid-thigh skirt. Bitch stop supervising everyone else and put on some fucking pants. This is not a day of shopping at the GAP. G-sus. 3) Do you really need that tripod? About 2/3 of the way into the 8 mile hike, I saw a couple trying to negotiate a huge tripod and some intense camera equipment through this mess. We all enjoy a good vacation photo, but a full size tripod is overkill and trying to haul one up this gnarly trail could very well kill you. If your name is not Ansel Adams, pack a point and click and get over it. Best to keep your hands free and pack as light as possible.
4) Make sure your entire party is able-bodied. If one or more persons in your group is scared or even lukewarm on this adventure, leave them behind. Don’t drag folks down this path. They will bitch throughout, possibly injure themselves, and then blame you. Even the enthusiastic will be daunted early on, so prepare yourself to turn around if someone in your group isn’t feeling the intensity.
5) Check your ego. Even the most mountain-y among you aren’t likely to have experience with this type of terrain. The combination of ascent, rocks, roots, mud, crowds, narrowness, and consistent difficulty make this one of the most challenging hikes I’ve encountered and I live in a place with some big ass mountains.
Ever since the northwest trip, I’ve been itching to see Annie (1982). Must be all the drawbridges I crossed. The classic so holds up! Let’s Go to the Movies – Little Girls – so may good numbers and I’m not even a person who particularly enjoys musicals. I had this annoying friend Jessica in high school who was in every two-bit theater production in town. I endured more than a few community productions of “Once Upon a Mattress” and “Jesus Christ Superstar” all in the name of friendship. We aren’t friends anymore. It’s fine; she’s stuck in my God-forsaken hometown probably still doing shitty community theater. Sorry I’ve gotten really off track. Back to my girls Pepper and Molly. Before the rumored Willow Smith remake treads on the memory of my favorite version which includes brilliant performances from Carol Burnett, Tim Curry, and Bernadette Peters, please watch the 1982 John Huston (Anjelica’s father) gem. That’s Ed Herrmann as FDR ya’ll. Only a hateful cold-hearted bitch could resist Grace Farrell. Love the climatic drawbridge scene where Punjab saves the day. Truthfully, I enjoyed every moment of the comforting childhood friend. As an adult you notice new things like the incredibly stylish clothes and decorating. Just saying, if you are in a pinch for a drawbridge, Annie’s the fix. Try to take the obvious racism in context as a quaint vestige of its time.
After 27 days of sleep deprivation, I’m totally exhausted and annihilated. This got me wondering how long it will take me to catch up and recover. The most recent studies suggest that sleep debt can’t be repaid in one or two nights of longer snoozes. The average American gets 6.9 hours of sleep. Subjects restricted to 7 hours of sleep had slower response times during cognitive testing. Those restricted to 6 hours of sleep performed so poorly after several days of limited sleep they actually fell into micro sleeps during simple ten minute cognitive tests. Folks performed consistently well on tests with 8-9 hours of sleep, though I feel best with a luxurious full ten. This is one of the main reasons I’m not interested in children. Children steal sleep. With my cognitive capabilities greatly diminished by the chronic sleep deprivation, this math may be be wrong. By my calculations, I have 108 hours of sleep to recover. How much sleep do you owe yourself? Are folks bitchy or just tired?
For Valentine’s Day, I fulfilled a fantasy. It’s not what you are thinking pervs. No sticking your dick in the cannoli. I went to this Italian bakery I’ve been meaning to try. On the rare occasion I hit up a bakery, I typically restrain myself to one selection. How miserably boring is that?Just once, I wanted to fill a whole bakery box full of assorted delectable pastries.So I did just that, and it was fucking fantastic. Once in awhile, go full out and fill the whole box. I’m certainly not suggesting you fill your pie hole with pie everyday, but occasionally, nothing beats a sticky bun. I’m still lit up with childlike joy from my mini-splurge. This week take an afternoon delight. Enjoy a baked good or your comfort equivalent. Support a local business, maybe something authentic from the old country. Enjoy the experience wholeheartedly and without remorse.
Tori enjoyed a charity-laced baby shower with her Mom and friends at the table. Candy correctly predicted the sex of the baby. She seemed genuinely happy to be part of the pregnancy this time around. Count this as one of the very, very, very few genuine moments in a season filled with orchestrated hour-long shill fests.We are supposed to believe that an extra-pregnant Tori set up an elaborate mother-daughter tea party complete with hanging tree decorations, a well-appointed table, and pink frosted cupcakes. The production assistants on this show must be some of the most thankless and exhausted.Stella was an adorable hostess and fully redeemed herself from any unsavory behavior in the past weeks. The PAs were extra tired setting up the tea party because they spent all night crafting this paper mache volcano for Liam to destroy in thirty seconds while playing scientist with baking soda and vinegar. Mommy-son time was slightly less touching than the mother-daughter moment, but Liam promised, in his own way, to stop being such an asshole. Tori and Dean reportedly paid $2.4 million for a little over 2,000 square feet on 1.75 acres of mega-valuable Malibu land. It is rumored they sold their Encino home featured on the show for $2.5 million, a $450,000 loss from the $2.9 million they reportedly paid in oh-eight. Think the lingering stench of goat shit had anything to do with the hit they took?Liam was not thrilled with the drastic cut in square footage and protested at the idea of sharing a room with Stella. I don’t blame him. He’s what, 2 to 3 years from getting into some serious self-wang touching? Let the kid have some privacy, jeesh. Dean wasn’t having any of Liam’s stank attitude even though Tori had second thoughts about the kids’ proposed sleeping arrangement. Stella declared she’s born to be nice. Liam was born to be…
Let’s just agree to shelve kids.
Tori couldn’t even take time off from career-waffling to give birth. This week she designed her own superfug asymmetrical birthing gown with snap-away shoulder.
This is like a horror movie. I can’t. Let’s just move on.
Mom and baby meet for the first time cheek to cheek.
Mehran is thrilled about the fashion possibilities a girl brings. Why are they so rough with the babies? Chill. It is a newborn not a salt scrub.
The big finale involved a lot of glossing over of major events. We saw none of the house buying-selling negotiations. Why did Tori’s two girlfriends rep her on the sale of her home, but a different agent repped her on the Malibu purchase? Did things get messy with the girls? Also, we weren’t privy to much marriage drama this season, but I don’t think it was for lack of conflict. Dean’s story arc began and ended with the kitchen. What’s really going on here? I smell something funny and it ain’t Dean’s frittatas. This white-washed version of reality felt like a bunch of staged moments spliced together to create the impression of a perfect life for a perfect sales pitch. Are we buying?
Happy Labor Day. For those of you headed to the pool, just remember…
17% of adults admit to peeing in the pool, including Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps.
Earlier this summer, a dead woman floated around in a pool in Massachusetts for two days before anybody bothered to fish her out.
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention notes the most commonly reported recreational water illness is diarrhea, which can be caused by germs such as Cryptosporidium, Giardia, Shigella, norovirus and E. coli. These bugs contaminate the water through trace amounts of fecal matter that cling to people’s bodies.
Have a great holiday dirty sluts.
I admit occasionally I’m guilty of talking with food in my mouth. As soon as I sense myself doing that awkward hand-in-front-of-mouth gesture while trying to articulate words, I feel gross and ashamed. Chatting with your mouth full is a disgusting habit that unfortunately many of us indulge. For some reason, we find the need to respond to conversation so urgent that we think we need to speak right that second – bite be damned. Obviously, breaking this basic etiquette rule is disgusting and unappetizing for our dining companions, but it is also downright dangerous. You could choke yo! Most of us don’t spend enough time chewing our food anyway. Digestion begins in the mouth with thorough mastication. Skimping on this step means less nutrient absorption and an increased likelihood of indigestion. Slow down and enjoy each bite so your body recognizes when it is sated and you get the most from your meal. Let’s agree to finish a bite before starting a sentence.
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