Tag Archives: Kim Kardashian

Wedding Gown Rundown

JESSICA SIMPSON WEDDINGJessica Simpson wore custom Carolina Herrera.  It’s such a princess-y Jessica Simpson dress.  It is exactly what you’d expect her to wear.  I do like the candlelight color, the snatched waist, and the how the beading catches the light.  I don’t love the pattern of the beading on the skirt and the way it creates a weighty bedspread feeling to the bottom of the dress. JESSICA SIMPSON BRIDEOLIVIA PALERMOAlso in Carolina Herrera, I feel like Olivia Palermo is trying to be the hipster chick that wears Chuck Taylors to prom.  Like she’s above the fuss of an actual wedding dress.  She can only bother with a skirt and sweater (in the summer).  I offer you begrudging props for originality paired with an eyeroll, Palermo.  She looks way baked in this picture, no?  KANDI BURRESSKandi fucking Burruss.  Did you watch that hot fucking mess of a televised shitshow?  Coming to America, for real girl?  Today is just about dresses and this one makes me recall that line from Steel Magnolias, “Looks like two pigs fightin’ under a blanket.”  What do you expect from a designer who delivers your dress in a bedsheet?TAYLOR ARMSTRONGI threw Taylor Armstrong in here for a little Real Housewives compare and contrast.  She’s wearing Chagoury Couture.  The dress is dated; it’s giving me a very 1997 prom sensation. NAYA RIVERA REFLECTIONPoor Naya Rivera, attempting to bride her post-Big Sean pain away in Monique Lhuillier.  This dress is totally inappropriate for a Cabo wedding.  Could you imagine wearing all that lace and long sleeves in Mexico in the summerNAYA RIVERA WEDDING DRESSKALEY CUOCOKaley Cuoco opted for carnation pink Vera Wang.  I’m all for non-white, but this gown isn’t really that special.  The color borders on cloying. KATIE COURICCarmen Marc Valvo made Katie Couric’s dress for her ceremony in the Hamptons.  I know she’s nearing 60, but that has nothing to do with the bad cut, fabric, and color of this frock.  She could have looked a whole lot cuter, and it’s a damn shame she wore this disservice of a dress on such a blessed occasion.  KIM AND KANYEI actually like elements of Kim’s Givenchy dress, just not the part that looks like she’s wearing North’s bib.  The back is beautiful, especially with the totally impractical exaggerated veil.  For sure, that skinny white belt will be ripped off and all over the bridal runways next season – you heard it here first. KIM K WEDDING DAY

I thee dread: unholy kardashian/west union

An Italian Wedding is Formaggio. Forte di Belvedere o di San Giorgio Firenze

Neither of these fools are Italian, so besides their deep appreciation for pasta, what is the point of dragging everyone to Florence via Paris to wed at the Florentine equivalent of Fort Knox, the Forte di Belvedere o di San Giorgio Firenze?  It’s just so cliché, basta.  And the study-abroad capital Florence ain’t all that.  There are far more interesting places than fucking snoozy-ass Florence.

Fundamental IncompatibilityKIM K KORNROWS

Recent Kim Kardashian quote on racism:

To be honest, before I had North, I never really gave racism or discrimination a lot of thought. It is obviously a topic that Kanye is passionate about, but I guess it was easier for me to believe that it was someone else’s battle.

Classic Kanye West quote on racism:

George Bush doesn’t care about black people. GB DOESN'T CARE

Once a bold and critical voice in the race relations discourse, Kanye has become his own worst hypocritical self-penned stereotype by wedding a super privileged white girl who will never understand the painful experience of surviving as a minority.  In this one matrimonial gesture, Kanye can kiss his credibility in this conversation good-bye.  She will never understand what it means to be black and he will always resent her for it.  Sadly, North will pay the price of their relationship’s racial ambivalence. KIM KANYE NORTH WEST

Kardashian Bridal Fatigue

KIM AND KRIS HUMPHRIESWe just witnessed Kim’s marriage to Kris Humphries less than 3 years ago in a huge televised event.  Then we had to endure the inevitable unraveling of their showmance.  With the Vogue cover, we’ve already seen the 2014 version of the bride and groom.  I’m not excited about her dress.  I’m not excited about his dress.  I’m not invested.  We’ve walked this flower petaled aisle with you before Kim Kardashian and it always dead-ends at the alter.  Now the Kourtney and Scott wedding, that I would watch.KOURTNEY SCOTT MASON

 

Met Gala 2014: The Couples

AMBER HEARD GIAMBATTISTA AND JOHNNY DEPP RALPH LAUREN MET BALLJohnny Depp (Ralph Lauren) and Amber Heard (Balenciaga) are like two positively charged ions that repel me.BEYONCE JAYZ GIVENCHYIt was ill-fitting Givenchy for the Carters.  Think Kanye’s pussy hurts because Tisci is cheating on him with JayBLAKE LIVELY RYAN REYNOLDS GUCCIOf course Gucci dressed their spokesbitch Blake and her overrated Reynolds.  Gsus, her body won’t quit.   DAVID AND VICTORIA RALPH LAUREN MET BALLAre these Beckhams human or did someone snatch their wax statues from Madame TussaudsDavid’s in Ralph Lauren and Victoria’s in a gown of her own design.   EMMA STONE THAKOONMy favorite couple of the night Emma Stone (in Thakoon) + Andrew Garfield.   KIM KARDASHIAN LANVIN MET BALLThe brides wore Lanvin.  This is a major improvement over the sofa Kim wore last year, but this gown is still too bulky for her diminutive size.   SARAH SILVERMAN MICHAEL SHEEN MET BALL 2014By the look on her face, I can’t tell if Sarah Silverman is in on the joke and that concerns me.  For a homely guy, Michael Sheen snags a lot of interesting pussy, no?

May 2014 Horoscopes

TaurusTAURUS TORI SPELLING

Happy Birthday Taurus!  After a month of oppositional and tense energy, you are ready for a change both outwardly and inwardly.  Whether it’s a freshening of your personal appearance or a sprucing of your home, invest in a few significant upgrades in May.  Mother’s Day could be a real bitch this year.  Particularly reactive on the 11th, it’s easy to slip back into childish patterns.  Remember you are grown.  Give a nice gift and a pleasant (albeit forced) smile.  Keep your mouth shut or stuff it with pancakes.  Before making any big promises socially or professionally to team up and dream up, view the entire situation through a critical side-eye.  Get nakedly honest regarding the commitment the collaboration entails.  Don’t allow leisure activities originally intended for fun to become burdensome and stressful.  Scale back birthday plans to your nearest and dearest.  Not everybody and their cousin merits an invite.

GeminiGEMINI JOLIE

The days before your birthday are for quiet retreat, Gemini.  The spotlight will soon be yours, take care of any messiness or undone chores nagging your subconscious.  Gemini’s spring cleaning includes weeding your friendship flowerbed of unhealthy additions.  The energy on Mother’s Day could present a number of challenges.  Expect tense family dynamics if you plan to spend the day among loved ones.  Play with the kiddos as an effective strategy for staying out of the fray.  Concerning your health, when is the last time you had a check-up or any preventive care?  Take care of yourself.

Cancer

Embrace light-hearted fun in May, Cancer.  Twirl around parties.  Gossip and flirt.  Enjoy yourself by keeping conversations easy breezy.  Celebrating Mom may feel like a real chore this year, or you may not feel like you are getting credit where credit is due from your own ungrateful offspring and spouse.  Tense energy in the crabshell foreshadows a change in the domestic sphere.  Towards the end of the month, quiet the noise, slow down, and meet unmet obligations in preparation for your birthday.

 LeoJENNIFER LOPEZ LEO

Tap into your blonde ambition Leo, May is the month to make shit happen in your personal industry sector.  Light a match under your ass at work and go for it.  If you can’t see yourself moving onward and upward at your current grind, then put your energy into finding a more rewarding career.  Either way, your efforts will be rewarded.  May showers manifest as tears on Mother’s Day this year.  The tense energy makes for uncomfortable family gatherings.  If you know you can’t control your reactionary temper in the familial context, then limit your dealings to the minimum you can politely manage.

 VirgoBEYONCE VIRGO

Virgo embraces adventure in May.  The daring could take many forms from the obvious – last minute travel – to the less obvious – a meditative journey inward.  Whatever trip you take, there’s a lesson in it for you.  Mother’s Day might be a mutherfucker for reasons beyond your control.  What is within your control is your reaction to unprovoked attacks.  Take a few deep breaths, imbibe a cocktail, and focus on what you love about your family.  With regard to your central relationship, you gotta decide if you are all in or all out because nobody can keep track of your pendulum swinging heart.

 Libra

Libra craves intimacy and meaningful connection in May.  Spend time with your sweetie cuddled up at home.  The oppositional energy of the Grand Cross carries into May.  Libra certainly felt the harsh angles of this unusual stellar arrangement.  Why not take a self-imposed recovery period?  It’s a nice way of sparing us your moody discontentment.  Usually the family diplomat, this Mother’s Day your peace-making talents take temporary leave.  Mid-month, enjoy a burst of full moon Scorpio energy that stimulates career success.

 ScorpioWHOOPI GOLDBERG

Scorpio loves powerful partnership, and the desire to collaborate works up a hunger to define your latest relationship.  Total devotion forms the foundation of your dream union.  Most beings are not capable of that level of intensity or the totality of sacrifice required for mating with you.  Don’t belabor unsatisfying affiliations.  Honor your Ma on Mother’s Day whether near, far, or departed.  Extra-raw on the 11th, Scorpio’s got tail up, stinger poised.  Retract your weaponry Scorpio, today isn’t the day for offensive maneuvering.  We’re all suffering under the same strain, so send up a puff of compassion instead of attacking the weak and vulnerable.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius is ready for some late spring cleaning in May.  First, file your paperwork and thin the stacks of clutter.  Next, pull out some pots and plant yourself a little windowsill garden.  The plants will nourish you in unforeseen ways in the coming months.  They will also clean the air and pump your home full of fresh oxygen.  Ferocious family dynamics have the potential to ruin Mother’s Day.  Unable to hold your tongue under this irrational influence, Sags could be major contributors to the chaos.  Even though at times it feels as though you’ve outgrown your friends, your own self-limiting beliefs are the source of most of your misdirected judgment and criticism.

CapricornCAPRICORN KATE MIDDLETON

Capricorn gets especially expressive in May after feeling downright repressed in April.  For the most part, this chatty streak works to your benefit.  Mother’s Day is the major exception.  Thoughtless comments and misconstrued humor could spark intense overreactions.  Bring a nice gift and stuff your face with food.  Lay in the cut and don’t be a dick.  It isn’t up to you to fix your family.  Instead of wasting energy on unsolicited advice for your clan, apply that care-taking energy to yourself.  Spend the last week of May organizing your life.  Tidy your home.  Eat better.  Refresh the wardrobe.

 AquariusSHAKIRA AQUARIUS

After an incredibly intense April, Aquarius requires a respite!  All the drama, stress, and conflict depleted your resources and patience.  Of all the signs, you are poised to deliver the best Mother’s Day as either the recipient or giver.  However you chose to celebrate motherhood, keep it low key and pampering.  Now is not the time to plan the world’s most elaborate brunch.  Even French toast can’t compete with selfish tantrum throwers – who are bound to make an appearance on the 11th.  Mid-month, an energetic boost in your career helps you decide if you should stay or go.

Pisces

Your noggin is stormy with ideas in May, Pisces.  The notions come quickly and without much elaboration, so keep a notebook handy to jot down thoughts as they strike lightening fast.  A cloud hovers over Mother’s Day.  Pisces acts out with unpredictable moodiness.  If you are struggling to maintain your composure in your toxic familial soup, think of them as strangers and just be polite.  You wouldn’t overtly roll your eyes at a stranger across the lunch table, so don’t do it to your sister at family gatherings.  Towards the end of the month, Pisces feels especially emotionally vulnerable.  Spend this time alone or with a few trusted pals – no needy whiners!

 Aries ARIES REESE

With May comes a healthy dose of reality, Aries.  Start with an assessment of your finances.  Look at your accounts and compare the credit to debit columns.  If you’re running a deficit, you must reverse the flow from outgoing to incoming.  In order to do so, you will have to sacrifice some of your material desires.  Put quality thought and effort into honoring your mother this Mother’s Day.  Defy your selfish reputation by seizing this wonderful opportunity to display your thoughtfulness and love.  Aries’ sexual relationship gets a surge of intensity from the scorpion mid-month.  Everything you’ve been holding back will come spilling out in a gush of brutal honesty.

This is heinous

KIM KARDASHIAN FUG BIRKIN

Kanye Killed the Kardashians

KIM KANYE NORTHThe Kardashians are over.  You may feel like those over-saturated fame whores have already overstayed their welcome.  I agree.  This overness is different than justifiable Kardashian fatigue.  Sunday’s episode triggered the Kardashian kollapse and you can thank Kanye for the downfall. KOURTNEY AND KRISKanye’s unwillingness to allow North to be filmed for the show changes everything.  We know Kim from the inside out.  Literally.  She can’t give it all away and then decide to snatch it back and expect her voyeuristic fanbase to remain loyal.  We want to see Kim as a mother: changing the diapers, getting barfed on, all that delicious misery.  How can they expect to successfully film around Kim being a mom?  Withholding goes against the very Kardashian kore.  You simply can’t film a birthing episode without a baby.  They prep the nursery.  We see the ultrasound.  We admire Kim glammed at the hospital.  The baby is the big finish – the money shot.  Kim should know a little something about that. KIM AND KANYE KUWTKNothing can last forever.  The hypnotic Kardashian trance of hair and ass had to eventually lift like a cloud of mustard gas.  Unless Kylie and Jaden film a sex tape, I wonder how the family will fill the next several contractually obligated seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.  Either Kanye sacrifices his first born to the insatiable child-eating E! Gods or we can blissfully kiss the Kardashians goodbye. NORTH WEST

Kanye’s lazy-ass proposal

PLEEEASE MARRYI feel strongly about marriage proposals which is probably why I haven’t been on the receiving end of one.  I believe in speaking to the parents first (credit to Kanye).  Give them an opportunity to object if they find the match unsuitable.  Proposals should be well-reasoned and planned (points for the orchestra).  Engagements should not happen as a reaction to a fight, a pregnancy test, or a health scare.  Take a knee.  Present a picture of an enticing life together.  Make promises you intend to keep.  Make eye contact and be sincere.KIM RING FLASHKnow what isn’t included in the simple list above, Kanye?  A fucking Jumbotron.  No woman really wants to be proposed to by a giant machine.  It is so insincere and impersonal.  For someone who is willing to smack a photographer to protect his privacy, a stadium-size proposal isn’t exactly discreet.  But you know what really chaps my ass about the Kanye-Kim proposal?  He stacked it on the top of a birthday.  There is nothing lazier than using the excitement of another event to prop up a lame and ill-thought out bid to wed.  No piggybacking on Christmas; hiding the ring under the tree with the socks and sweaters isn’t sufficiently special.  Proposers really shouldn’t hitch their request to the champagne-high of New Year’s.  An inquiry of this magnitude deserves its own day, its own care, and its own attention.  Yes, he threw some money at it, but ultimately: Lazy proposal = Lazy-ass husband.181190517CS00028_Givenchy_F

strong start

FALL UNIFORMToday starts a new week, and within it we welcome October, one of the best months of the year.  I love crisp October because the sun still shines, but the weather warrants an extra layer.  Is there anything better than autumnal attire?  To that end, go to your closet, rotate the summery non-transitional garb to the back and pull forth all those glorious sweaters, moto jackets, and skinny jeans.  Break out your boots girl.  Assemble 5 killer ensembles to don this week.  Find a fresh way to rework what you already love before you get caught in a buying frenzy.  Donate what you won’t wear this winter or ever again.MOTHER LOOKER

If you are feeling Sunday sluggish, set the kitchen timer for an amount of time you can stomach and organize your living space.  Sort the mail, pay the bills, dump the recycling, clean out the fridge.  Take care of the chore that subconsciously nags you to distraction.BELLE RINGER

Start thinking of your Halloween costume because we’re having a party.

AHS COVEN

Contemplate darker hair.

KK BLONDEAfter completing all of our preparations for the week, we can sit down in good conscience and enjoy the Homeland season 3 premiere without any looming Monday morning anxiety.  Mini-spoiler: I heard Brody doesn’t even appear in the first two episodes.  HOMELAND SEASON 3

p.s. Did Claire get a peel or is this just airbrushing?  She looks very dewy.

Oh Yeezus

KANYE YEEZUSSo I’ve been listening to Yeezus for almost a week now.  Some people love it.  Some people hate it.  Some people just repeat opinions they hear on Pitchfork.  I’m not one of those people.  KANYE WEST YEEZUSTo succinctly summarize Kanye’s problem: he lacks credibility.  While lecturing us on materialism, he name checks Alexander Wang all while playing designer with his very own weak-ass ready-to-wear collection.  Kanye, you wish you were Alexander WangKanye, you wish you were Riccardo Tisci.  (Or you wish you were in Riccardo Tisci allegedly whatever.)  How can a man that is shamelessly reproducing with the Kueen of Konsumption lecture anyone?  Kanye maintains his trademark anger on this album, but on Yeezus it feels particularly misdirected.  For all his race-based indignation, I suspect the last time Kanye West felt legitimately persecuted is when Alber Elbaz had the good sense to deny his ass from the Lanvin show. KANYE WEST YEEZUS COVER ARTMy Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is a really incredible and incomparable record.  I don’t expect every record Kanye makes to eclipse BDTF, but Yeezus isn’t at all fun.  Kanye borrows from a somewhat diverse (if predictable) musical cannon ranging from Billie Holliday (vis-à-vis Nina Simone) to Charlie Wilson, but the vocal layering never quite gels.  It feels very mash-up and less integrative than his previous application of this well-worn technique.  KIM AND KANYEKanye fancies himself a pioneer and taste-maker, but his private and personal decisions of the last year prove he’s no visionary.  Yeezus ain’t all that innovative.  Kim is so over, and bathed in her low-budget, mainstream media-whore stank Kanye’s all but over too.KANYE LOVES PARIS

I’d Rather Be a Dick Than a Swallower