Tag Archives: Kim Kardashian

November 2014 Horoscopes

Scorpio

SCORPIO
Happy Birthday Scorpio!  Enough lurking in the shadows calculating your plan, assert yourself and put your strategy in play.  Enjoy the energetic emphasis on your sign this month and use the focus to make some serious headway on your personal fatty to-do list.  Don’t confuse selfishness with self-prioritizing.  Scorpios think they have great ideas for everybody else’s life, but that ain’t your biznass kid.  Turn that analytic eye into the looking glass and make a change.  Have you been rocking a signature look for eons like your Scorpio sister Anna Wintour?  Well it might just be time to rework that bob, girl.  To paraphrase Diane Von Furstenberg, become the woman you want to be even if you aren’t exactly sure what you want to do.  Craft your appearance and attitude to emit the perception you want to exude.  Scorpio stands to make great professional strides by materializing concrete plans, especially after the 22nd.  Scattered Scorpios pull it together by cutting the bullshit and prioritizing.

Sagittarius

SAG
November serves Sagittarius by providing a time for reconciliation, healing, and closure.  Theme on forgiveness; mend fences, and clear any lingering tension.  Use this time before your birthday to relax, rest, and restore.  Avoid pressured social situations.  Don’t feel any guilt about your non-committal attitude towards parties and engagements.  Evaluate your eating and overall physical wellness this month.  How do you feel?  What habits are weighing you down, literally and figuratively?  Depression-prone Sags experience a dip in mood and enthusiasm in November. Don’t confuse this totally normal seasonal valley with anything more sinister.  It will pass and soon you’ll be blowing out the candles on your birthday cake.

Capricorn

CAPRICORN
Capricorns experience a lift of enthusiasm this November.  Others welcome your upbeat spirit at gatherings.  Capricorns make a great first impression around the punch bowl.  Whatever your professional, social, or romantic overtures they will be well-received.  Much of your charm originates in your dry wit which always houses a generous dose of honesty.  Your truth-talking really dampens the panties.  Great sex is yours for the taking.  Mid-month, a wet blanket of a Debbie Downer tries to dim your shine.  Don’t let anyone drag you back into tarpits of pessimism.  Towards the end of November, tuck in for your annual pre-birthday reflection and respite.

Aquarius

AQUARIUS
Go get it Aquarius!  In November, your vision for long-term professional success matters most to you.  For sure, decide what you want and go after it hard in your Aquarian way, but also clean up the murkiness in your professional relationships.  Folks respond better when they know where they stand with you.  Expect a few and don’t get discouraged by “nos” before you hit that goldmine “yes.”  Work with women you love and respect to get your home in order.  It’s not that men can’t or shouldn’t clean, specifically this a time for your to surround yourself with feminine energy.  Freshen up your situation before the holidays, as you may end up hosting some impromptu gatherings.  All this womanly togetherness has you thinking… about a baby?  How would a child fit (if at all) into the life you’re building?

Pisces

PISCES
November will test you to stand up for yourself in a number of ways, Pisces.  Usually so easy-going, asserting yourself can feel downright foreign.  November challenges you to embrace your power without hesitation.  That feeling isn’t paranoia.  Someone is working against you.  Handle that bitch.  Implement simple structure to achieve professional success.  Strengthen your organization muscles.  You wouldn’t mind a trip, would you?  Now that we’re out of Mercury’s retrograde, it’s a less complicated time to travel.  Venture forth with confidence.  With your own ruler Neptune moving out of retrograde, the confusion lifts and you start to see everything more clearly.

Aries

ARIES
In November, you are obsessed with the love of your life, Aries.  Permanent decisions scare you less now.  You consider an engagement or professional merger.  All that work you’ve put in the last year finally blossoms into something tangible and credit-worthy.  Use the accomplishment as a barometer.  Are you proud of what you’ve achieved?  Do your values align with the investment of your energy?  If not, make a change.  You are prone to melancholia this month.  You can wallow in superficial ways for a day or two, and then get on with it.  Gloom doesn’t suit you.  Just in time for Thanksgiving and through most of mid-month, travel appeals to your adventurous streak.  Spend a few days with friends or family and a few days for yourself.

Taurus

TAURUS
Timely for the Thanksgiving holiday, you feel especially generous this November, Taurus.  You crave partnership, and partnership requires compromise – not exactly your strength.  Strike a balance between give and take.  Coupledom doesn’t require a forfeiture of your personal interests.  When you get in your favorite activities it relieves stress, and you are more fun to be around.  You are not alone in feeling depressed this month; many of your zodiac brethren suffer the same rut.  Experience the dimming, and then get right back to your typically optimistic nature.  Definitely don’t throw your relationship away over a fleeting dark mood.  Reject your tendency towards self-flagellation and self-criticism in favor of compassion.

Gemini

GEMINI
Get your life in order Gemini!  Organization is your theme this November.  You already have a keen eye for detail, but you get so mired down in the minutia you have trouble moving forward and clearing space.  Changing your ways requires self-discipline, but curbing your self-indulgent habits makes you a better human, so it’s worth a try.  Have you been wrapped in the wish of a person or idea that lives only in your imagination?  The first week of November allows you to put the unrealistic notion to rest and let go.  Gemini prefers solitude over thick crowds in November, but when you are alone you can easily slip into sadness.  Use this time constructively for finishing rather than initiating – you won’t have the ooomf to finish what you start this month.

Cancer

CANCER
Your old pals bold and sexy narrate your story in November, Cancer.  Accept every invitation, and enjoy every party.  Laugh loudly and without restraint.  You’ll meet new acquaintances with your friendly and engaging manner.  Tipple a little, but avoid getting drunk.  Not only could it lead to embarrassing (but funny) interludes, the hangovers could lure you into an late autumn depression.  The last few months have served up dramatic change.  Finally, you begin to hit a steady rhythm and can see your path clearly.  A cardinal sign, you’re already a great initiator.  November makes a great time for fresh starts and new projects.

Leo

BLAKE LIVELY
Leo temporarily morphs into Blake Lively this November and cares only for homespun sentiments and nostalgia.  You have the sudden urge to invite folks over for tea and feed them your signature snack.  Welcome this warm and homey side and enjoy relaxed entertaining.  On or near the 6th, a make-or-break moment happens in your career.  You’ll break through or you break out; either way you’ll be a happier Leo.  Zingy for the holidays, everyone welcomes your enthusiastic attitude at family gatherings.  If you are single, there are opportunities for love.  Leos interested in a baby, November is a favorable month for fertility.

Virgo

VIRGO
Easily bored, Virgo requires intellectual stimulation in November.  Surround yourself with big thinkers and life-long learners.  Your best moments this month are conversations of substance.  Generally speaking, Virgo prefers a full day, so pack as much in as you can, energy withstanding.  A wave of pessimism washes through the zodiac this month and you too could easily get swept away in a sad sea change.  More capable than most at reversing the frowns, lend a listening ear and ease the suffering of those around you.  When it comes to relationships, speak your truth kindly, but hold off on committing.

Libra

LIBRA
Financial concerns weigh heavily in November for Libra.  You vacillate between craving luxury and luxuriating in savings.  Feelings of depression, shame, and fear spring up around the topic of money.  You are the sign of balance, so spend a little, save a little.  Follow the advice of wise investors that you trust.  November heightens senses and experiences.  Food tastes better.  Sex goes deeper.  It’s not your usual approach to indulge, but when the going is good, why not?  Share your ideas and speak freely.  Direct and unequivocal communication plays an important part in the latter part of the month.  Remember that indecision is unattractive.

Wedding Gown Rundown

JESSICA SIMPSON WEDDINGJessica Simpson wore custom Carolina Herrera.  It’s such a princess-y Jessica Simpson dress.  It is exactly what you’d expect her to wear.  I do like the candlelight color, the snatched waist, and the how the beading catches the light.  I don’t love the pattern of the beading on the skirt and the way it creates a weighty bedspread feeling to the bottom of the dress. JESSICA SIMPSON BRIDEOLIVIA PALERMOAlso in Carolina Herrera, I feel like Olivia Palermo is trying to be the hipster chick that wears Chuck Taylors to prom.  Like she’s above the fuss of an actual wedding dress.  She can only bother with a skirt and sweater (in the summer).  I offer you begrudging props for originality paired with an eyeroll, Palermo.  She looks way baked in this picture, no?  KANDI BURRESSKandi fucking Burruss.  Did you watch that hot fucking mess of a televised shitshow?  Coming to America, for real girl?  Today is just about dresses and this one makes me recall that line from Steel Magnolias, “Looks like two pigs fightin’ under a blanket.”  What do you expect from a designer who delivers your dress in a bedsheet?TAYLOR ARMSTRONGI threw Taylor Armstrong in here for a little Real Housewives compare and contrast.  She’s wearing Chagoury Couture.  The dress is dated; it’s giving me a very 1997 prom sensation. NAYA RIVERA REFLECTIONPoor Naya Rivera, attempting to bride her post-Big Sean pain away in Monique Lhuillier.  This dress is totally inappropriate for a Cabo wedding.  Could you imagine wearing all that lace and long sleeves in Mexico in the summerNAYA RIVERA WEDDING DRESSKALEY CUOCOKaley Cuoco opted for carnation pink Vera Wang.  I’m all for non-white, but this gown isn’t really that special.  The color borders on cloying. KATIE COURICCarmen Marc Valvo made Katie Couric’s dress for her ceremony in the Hamptons.  I know she’s nearing 60, but that has nothing to do with the bad cut, fabric, and color of this frock.  She could have looked a whole lot cuter, and it’s a damn shame she wore this disservice of a dress on such a blessed occasion.  KIM AND KANYEI actually like elements of Kim’s Givenchy dress, just not the part that looks like she’s wearing North’s bib.  The back is beautiful, especially with the totally impractical exaggerated veil.  For sure, that skinny white belt will be ripped off and all over the bridal runways next season – you heard it here first. KIM K WEDDING DAY

I thee dread: unholy kardashian/west union

An Italian Wedding is Formaggio. Forte di Belvedere o di San Giorgio Firenze

Neither of these fools are Italian, so besides their deep appreciation for pasta, what is the point of dragging everyone to Florence via Paris to wed at the Florentine equivalent of Fort Knox, the Forte di Belvedere o di San Giorgio Firenze?  It’s just so cliché, basta.  And the study-abroad capital Florence ain’t all that.  There are far more interesting places than fucking snoozy-ass Florence.

Fundamental IncompatibilityKIM K KORNROWS

Recent Kim Kardashian quote on racism:

To be honest, before I had North, I never really gave racism or discrimination a lot of thought. It is obviously a topic that Kanye is passionate about, but I guess it was easier for me to believe that it was someone else’s battle.

Classic Kanye West quote on racism:

George Bush doesn’t care about black people. GB DOESN'T CARE

Once a bold and critical voice in the race relations discourse, Kanye has become his own worst hypocritical self-penned stereotype by wedding a super privileged white girl who will never understand the painful experience of surviving as a minority.  In this one matrimonial gesture, Kanye can kiss his credibility in this conversation good-bye.  She will never understand what it means to be black and he will always resent her for it.  Sadly, North will pay the price of their relationship’s racial ambivalence. KIM KANYE NORTH WEST

Kardashian Bridal Fatigue

KIM AND KRIS HUMPHRIESWe just witnessed Kim’s marriage to Kris Humphries less than 3 years ago in a huge televised event.  Then we had to endure the inevitable unraveling of their showmance.  With the Vogue cover, we’ve already seen the 2014 version of the bride and groom.  I’m not excited about her dress.  I’m not excited about his dress.  I’m not invested.  We’ve walked this flower petaled aisle with you before Kim Kardashian and it always dead-ends at the alter.  Now the Kourtney and Scott wedding, that I would watch.KOURTNEY SCOTT MASON

 

Met Gala 2014: The Couples

AMBER HEARD GIAMBATTISTA AND JOHNNY DEPP RALPH LAUREN MET BALLJohnny Depp (Ralph Lauren) and Amber Heard (Balenciaga) are like two positively charged ions that repel me.BEYONCE JAYZ GIVENCHYIt was ill-fitting Givenchy for the Carters.  Think Kanye’s pussy hurts because Tisci is cheating on him with JayBLAKE LIVELY RYAN REYNOLDS GUCCIOf course Gucci dressed their spokesbitch Blake and her overrated Reynolds.  Gsus, her body won’t quit.   DAVID AND VICTORIA RALPH LAUREN MET BALLAre these Beckhams human or did someone snatch their wax statues from Madame TussaudsDavid’s in Ralph Lauren and Victoria’s in a gown of her own design.   EMMA STONE THAKOONMy favorite couple of the night Emma Stone (in Thakoon) + Andrew Garfield.   KIM KARDASHIAN LANVIN MET BALLThe brides wore Lanvin.  This is a major improvement over the sofa Kim wore last year, but this gown is still too bulky for her diminutive size.   SARAH SILVERMAN MICHAEL SHEEN MET BALL 2014By the look on her face, I can’t tell if Sarah Silverman is in on the joke and that concerns me.  For a homely guy, Michael Sheen snags a lot of interesting pussy, no?

May 2014 Horoscopes

TaurusTAURUS TORI SPELLING

Happy Birthday Taurus!  After a month of oppositional and tense energy, you are ready for a change both outwardly and inwardly.  Whether it’s a freshening of your personal appearance or a sprucing of your home, invest in a few significant upgrades in May.  Mother’s Day could be a real bitch this year.  Particularly reactive on the 11th, it’s easy to slip back into childish patterns.  Remember you are grown.  Give a nice gift and a pleasant (albeit forced) smile.  Keep your mouth shut or stuff it with pancakes.  Before making any big promises socially or professionally to team up and dream up, view the entire situation through a critical side-eye.  Get nakedly honest regarding the commitment the collaboration entails.  Don’t allow leisure activities originally intended for fun to become burdensome and stressful.  Scale back birthday plans to your nearest and dearest.  Not everybody and their cousin merits an invite.

GeminiGEMINI JOLIE

The days before your birthday are for quiet retreat, Gemini.  The spotlight will soon be yours, take care of any messiness or undone chores nagging your subconscious.  Gemini’s spring cleaning includes weeding your friendship flowerbed of unhealthy additions.  The energy on Mother’s Day could present a number of challenges.  Expect tense family dynamics if you plan to spend the day among loved ones.  Play with the kiddos as an effective strategy for staying out of the fray.  Concerning your health, when is the last time you had a check-up or any preventive care?  Take care of yourself.

Cancer

Embrace light-hearted fun in May, Cancer.  Twirl around parties.  Gossip and flirt.  Enjoy yourself by keeping conversations easy breezy.  Celebrating Mom may feel like a real chore this year, or you may not feel like you are getting credit where credit is due from your own ungrateful offspring and spouse.  Tense energy in the crabshell foreshadows a change in the domestic sphere.  Towards the end of the month, quiet the noise, slow down, and meet unmet obligations in preparation for your birthday.

 LeoJENNIFER LOPEZ LEO

Tap into your blonde ambition Leo, May is the month to make shit happen in your personal industry sector.  Light a match under your ass at work and go for it.  If you can’t see yourself moving onward and upward at your current grind, then put your energy into finding a more rewarding career.  Either way, your efforts will be rewarded.  May showers manifest as tears on Mother’s Day this year.  The tense energy makes for uncomfortable family gatherings.  If you know you can’t control your reactionary temper in the familial context, then limit your dealings to the minimum you can politely manage.

 VirgoBEYONCE VIRGO

Virgo embraces adventure in May.  The daring could take many forms from the obvious – last minute travel – to the less obvious – a meditative journey inward.  Whatever trip you take, there’s a lesson in it for you.  Mother’s Day might be a mutherfucker for reasons beyond your control.  What is within your control is your reaction to unprovoked attacks.  Take a few deep breaths, imbibe a cocktail, and focus on what you love about your family.  With regard to your central relationship, you gotta decide if you are all in or all out because nobody can keep track of your pendulum swinging heart.

 Libra

Libra craves intimacy and meaningful connection in May.  Spend time with your sweetie cuddled up at home.  The oppositional energy of the Grand Cross carries into May.  Libra certainly felt the harsh angles of this unusual stellar arrangement.  Why not take a self-imposed recovery period?  It’s a nice way of sparing us your moody discontentment.  Usually the family diplomat, this Mother’s Day your peace-making talents take temporary leave.  Mid-month, enjoy a burst of full moon Scorpio energy that stimulates career success.

 ScorpioWHOOPI GOLDBERG

Scorpio loves powerful partnership, and the desire to collaborate works up a hunger to define your latest relationship.  Total devotion forms the foundation of your dream union.  Most beings are not capable of that level of intensity or the totality of sacrifice required for mating with you.  Don’t belabor unsatisfying affiliations.  Honor your Ma on Mother’s Day whether near, far, or departed.  Extra-raw on the 11th, Scorpio’s got tail up, stinger poised.  Retract your weaponry Scorpio, today isn’t the day for offensive maneuvering.  We’re all suffering under the same strain, so send up a puff of compassion instead of attacking the weak and vulnerable.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius is ready for some late spring cleaning in May.  First, file your paperwork and thin the stacks of clutter.  Next, pull out some pots and plant yourself a little windowsill garden.  The plants will nourish you in unforeseen ways in the coming months.  They will also clean the air and pump your home full of fresh oxygen.  Ferocious family dynamics have the potential to ruin Mother’s Day.  Unable to hold your tongue under this irrational influence, Sags could be major contributors to the chaos.  Even though at times it feels as though you’ve outgrown your friends, your own self-limiting beliefs are the source of most of your misdirected judgment and criticism.

CapricornCAPRICORN KATE MIDDLETON

Capricorn gets especially expressive in May after feeling downright repressed in April.  For the most part, this chatty streak works to your benefit.  Mother’s Day is the major exception.  Thoughtless comments and misconstrued humor could spark intense overreactions.  Bring a nice gift and stuff your face with food.  Lay in the cut and don’t be a dick.  It isn’t up to you to fix your family.  Instead of wasting energy on unsolicited advice for your clan, apply that care-taking energy to yourself.  Spend the last week of May organizing your life.  Tidy your home.  Eat better.  Refresh the wardrobe.

 AquariusSHAKIRA AQUARIUS

After an incredibly intense April, Aquarius requires a respite!  All the drama, stress, and conflict depleted your resources and patience.  Of all the signs, you are poised to deliver the best Mother’s Day as either the recipient or giver.  However you chose to celebrate motherhood, keep it low key and pampering.  Now is not the time to plan the world’s most elaborate brunch.  Even French toast can’t compete with selfish tantrum throwers – who are bound to make an appearance on the 11th.  Mid-month, an energetic boost in your career helps you decide if you should stay or go.

Pisces

Your noggin is stormy with ideas in May, Pisces.  The notions come quickly and without much elaboration, so keep a notebook handy to jot down thoughts as they strike lightening fast.  A cloud hovers over Mother’s Day.  Pisces acts out with unpredictable moodiness.  If you are struggling to maintain your composure in your toxic familial soup, think of them as strangers and just be polite.  You wouldn’t overtly roll your eyes at a stranger across the lunch table, so don’t do it to your sister at family gatherings.  Towards the end of the month, Pisces feels especially emotionally vulnerable.  Spend this time alone or with a few trusted pals – no needy whiners!

 Aries ARIES REESE

With May comes a healthy dose of reality, Aries.  Start with an assessment of your finances.  Look at your accounts and compare the credit to debit columns.  If you’re running a deficit, you must reverse the flow from outgoing to incoming.  In order to do so, you will have to sacrifice some of your material desires.  Put quality thought and effort into honoring your mother this Mother’s Day.  Defy your selfish reputation by seizing this wonderful opportunity to display your thoughtfulness and love.  Aries’ sexual relationship gets a surge of intensity from the scorpion mid-month.  Everything you’ve been holding back will come spilling out in a gush of brutal honesty.

This is heinous

KIM KARDASHIAN FUG BIRKIN

Kanye Killed the Kardashians

KIM KANYE NORTHThe Kardashians are over.  You may feel like those over-saturated fame whores have already overstayed their welcome.  I agree.  This overness is different than justifiable Kardashian fatigue.  Sunday’s episode triggered the Kardashian kollapse and you can thank Kanye for the downfall. KOURTNEY AND KRISKanye’s unwillingness to allow North to be filmed for the show changes everything.  We know Kim from the inside out.  Literally.  She can’t give it all away and then decide to snatch it back and expect her voyeuristic fanbase to remain loyal.  We want to see Kim as a mother: changing the diapers, getting barfed on, all that delicious misery.  How can they expect to successfully film around Kim being a mom?  Withholding goes against the very Kardashian kore.  You simply can’t film a birthing episode without a baby.  They prep the nursery.  We see the ultrasound.  We admire Kim glammed at the hospital.  The baby is the big finish – the money shot.  Kim should know a little something about that. KIM AND KANYE KUWTKNothing can last forever.  The hypnotic Kardashian trance of hair and ass had to eventually lift like a cloud of mustard gas.  Unless Kylie and Jaden film a sex tape, I wonder how the family will fill the next several contractually obligated seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.  Either Kanye sacrifices his first born to the insatiable child-eating E! Gods or we can blissfully kiss the Kardashians goodbye. NORTH WEST

Kanye’s lazy-ass proposal

PLEEEASE MARRYI feel strongly about marriage proposals which is probably why I haven’t been on the receiving end of one.  I believe in speaking to the parents first (credit to Kanye).  Give them an opportunity to object if they find the match unsuitable.  Proposals should be well-reasoned and planned (points for the orchestra).  Engagements should not happen as a reaction to a fight, a pregnancy test, or a health scare.  Take a knee.  Present a picture of an enticing life together.  Make promises you intend to keep.  Make eye contact and be sincere.KIM RING FLASHKnow what isn’t included in the simple list above, Kanye?  A fucking Jumbotron.  No woman really wants to be proposed to by a giant machine.  It is so insincere and impersonal.  For someone who is willing to smack a photographer to protect his privacy, a stadium-size proposal isn’t exactly discreet.  But you know what really chaps my ass about the Kanye-Kim proposal?  He stacked it on the top of a birthday.  There is nothing lazier than using the excitement of another event to prop up a lame and ill-thought out bid to wed.  No piggybacking on Christmas; hiding the ring under the tree with the socks and sweaters isn’t sufficiently special.  Proposers really shouldn’t hitch their request to the champagne-high of New Year’s.  An inquiry of this magnitude deserves its own day, its own care, and its own attention.  Yes, he threw some money at it, but ultimately: Lazy proposal = Lazy-ass husband.181190517CS00028_Givenchy_F

strong start

FALL UNIFORMToday starts a new week, and within it we welcome October, one of the best months of the year.  I love crisp October because the sun still shines, but the weather warrants an extra layer.  Is there anything better than autumnal attire?  To that end, go to your closet, rotate the summery non-transitional garb to the back and pull forth all those glorious sweaters, moto jackets, and skinny jeans.  Break out your boots girl.  Assemble 5 killer ensembles to don this week.  Find a fresh way to rework what you already love before you get caught in a buying frenzy.  Donate what you won’t wear this winter or ever again.MOTHER LOOKER

If you are feeling Sunday sluggish, set the kitchen timer for an amount of time you can stomach and organize your living space.  Sort the mail, pay the bills, dump the recycling, clean out the fridge.  Take care of the chore that subconsciously nags you to distraction.BELLE RINGER

Start thinking of your Halloween costume because we’re having a party.

AHS COVEN

Contemplate darker hair.

KK BLONDEAfter completing all of our preparations for the week, we can sit down in good conscience and enjoy the Homeland season 3 premiere without any looming Monday morning anxiety.  Mini-spoiler: I heard Brody doesn’t even appear in the first two episodes.  HOMELAND SEASON 3

p.s. Did Claire get a peel or is this just airbrushing?  She looks very dewy.