Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala. The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there). The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion. If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is? 
Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction. I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win. Is she fucking with us? I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform. Nude illusion, really girl? Pink shiny too short long sleeves? What? A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink? Incomprehensible. How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?
Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year? So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci. I’m not sure we can blame him. All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot. Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe. The gloves are totally freaking me out. Hand camo. 
Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style. I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. 
After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown. I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! 
In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right? Do we like Annie as a blonde? I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. 
Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan. I do love the orange lip and fishnets. 
Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment. In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. 
I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously. She smacks of try. The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.
Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior. Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.
Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP? Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. 
Topshop dressed Nicole Richie. The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair. Punk Glam Granny?
Opa! Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.
Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen. What did she do to her face?
Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart. Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?
I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately. She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.
Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung. She’s our modern day Audrey. 
Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked. Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately. Applause. 
Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.
Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume. For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up. You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). 
Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte. Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. 
Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem. The makeup is the best ever for her. 
Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else. Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala? Sheesh. Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch? 
Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga. Die for the safety pin. It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be. Fucking chic.
Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors. The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen! Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. 
May we all be this ravishing at her age. Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper. 
Calm down Gisele. (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).
How did the same girl who was duped by the world’s most obvious craigslist scam just negotiate a $1.5 million sex tape deal? In the Teen Mom sea of daft, Farrah might be the daftest of all. Let’s be honest, Farrah’s breast implants demonstrate better critical reasoning than she does, and yet she secured a pretty epic payday for unconvincingly “leaking her own sex tape.” This genius staged a sex tape leak with a professional porn star and still got seven figures. Kim Kardashian must be her sex-tape-selling fairy godmother. G-Sus. 
I’d like to say it wasn’t a good investment on Vivid’s part, but frankly I am DYING to see the Teen Mom’s debut. I love me a celebrity sex tape: Kim, Paris, Colin, and the gold standard Pam. Farrah’s tape won’t rank among the best, but it will certainly compete for the title of most unintentionally hilarious.
Didja all catch the pineapple pussy-off on last night’s Kourtney & Kim Take Miami? In case you didn’t, Kim and Kourtney debated who had a sweeter smelling puss and decided to put their minges to the challenge of cultivating the freshest scent. To enhance their natural aroma, the girls drank pineapple juice like it was the new master cleanse. I wondered if this was just some krazy shit Kris thought up as a desperate ratings ploy, but no, this pineapple juice drinking is an actual thing people do on purpose to sweeten excretions. Who knows if the technique has actual merit? 
All you really want to know is who won the pussy stank-off, right? Guess who judged? Sister Khloe. Yeah, inhale that. Anyway, no surprise Kim’s world famous twat won against Kourtney’s all-natural baby maker.
Recently, my friend broke up with a Scorpio and she’s moving out. I told her she better hurry because Scorpios are spiteful. Psst. Someone might wanna tell Jason Hoppy. He’s about to endure the psychological, physical, and spiritual spanking of his life.
TMZ went snooping around the couple’s divorce papers, and by the slant of the intel I suspect Jason personally hand-delivered the documents to Harvey Levin’s desk. 
Bethenny suffers to lose significantly more from a drawn out split. Much like Kris Humphries desperately clinging to the last burnt, bitter wisps of fame by refusing to divorce Kim, Jason can only benefit from making this separation process as tedious, embarrassing, and damaging to Bethenny as possible. Bethenny and her well-compensated counsel better craft an unbelievably attractive agreement and apply some coercive tactics to get ink on it fast.
Kreepy Kendall Kutout
Kreepy Kim Kutout
Kreepy Kourtney Kutout
Dudes, enough with the argyle sweaters. Every holiday party lately looks like an argyle explosion. Blame the Banana Republic clearance rack. A perfectly-tailored suit is always a nice choice. Werk a bow tie to catch ‘em by surprise. Steam or iron — wrinkles ain’t cute at a formal function ya’ll.
Ladies, many of you will gravitate towards some variation on the ubiquitous sparkle. I’m not placing an outright fatwa on sparkle because when used appropriately it can be a powerful way to amp an ensemble. However, keep in mind shine accentuates. If your body ain’t right, a full sequined look will not only add bulk, but draw attention to every lump. Use sparkle sparingly.
Select a look that errs on the side of classic and conservative. Think Betty Draper not JWoww. If a fleeting thought enters your head that your dress is too short, your cleavage too deep, or your pants too tight, honor that voice, and for the love of Jesus on his birthday change your fucking clothes. Better to dress comfortably and appropriately than look like you suffer from the worst faux pas of all – poor judgment. 
Also, I’m sick of this pretty princess curling iron shit. Try a new ‘do this year. This look is so over.
Last night E! closed out the holiday weekend with the premiere of Kim and Kourtney Take New York. Many tuned in to see the demise of Kris and Kim’s short-lived marriage predictably unfold. As expected, Kris behaved childishly, and narcissistic Kim remains completely self-involved. None of this matters though because the only thing worth discussing was the anal leakage Kourtney left behind on the duvet after her Basti (Ayurvedic herbal oil enema). Just to be clear, oil leaked out of Kourtney’s ass through her pants and onto Kris and Kim’s bed. Ass oil spill ya’ll. 
How do you compete with anal leakage? Bravo aired a new episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. First, we’re in agreement that Peter’s a bitch, right? He was a bitch last week to Apollo and he was a bitch this week to Cynthia’s sister Mal. Sheree was right, Peter’s serving bitchassnesss. Again, none of this matters because the only thing worth discussing was Phaedra’s 35th birthday gift to Kandi in the form of Ridiculous, the stripper who performs self-head. Like dude can straight suck his own dick. After the performance, some guests (including Kandi’s Ma) acted deeply appalled at the auto-fellatio, but during the show not a single one of those riveted bitches turned away.
Look, I know we’ve all suffered severe Kardashian fatigue, but I can’t deny watching the first and second parts of the Kim Kardashian wedding miniseries (like the rest of you bitches). I think we can all agree the major takeaway is that Humphries is an insufferable asshole. Please enjoy five reasons why Kris Humphries will be the second, but not last husband of the poorman’s Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Kardashian.
1) The Dogs. The moment K+K began bickering over the dogs, it was obvious they were incompatible. A neat freak will never be comfortable with animals crawling amid the duvet and contaminating the bed. Furthermore, arriving with dogs without asking first was a totally self-important dick move on Humphries‘ part. 
2) He’s late. Setting aside the absurdity of a modern couple registering at Geary’s, when a groom is scheduled to appear on wedding related-business, he best show up on time. Kommandant Kris Jenner calls all the shots in this family; a bad impression with her and end up with a million dollar cap on the pre-nup. 
3) He talks too much. This oversized oaf fucking talks too much, no? He’s yapping at Khloe, poking the bear. He talks shit behind Kim’s back. He constantly blurts dumbass comments and causes offense. He’s confused if he thinks he’s the star of the show, honey. Know your place Hump; you get paid to toss balls, not provide narrative. At the time of filming he didn’t even have a ball-tossing job; does he now? 
4) He’s controlling. Raise the red flag when the groom cares so much about the color scheme he’s Skyping the wedding planner. A recent run-in with an über controlling groom was very unattractive. Not to sound old timey, but go smoke a cigar and let the womenfolk fuss over arrangements. 
5) He’s arrogant. Humphries emits the stank of undeserved superiority. Nobody knew who his ass was before Kim, and no one cares now. He needs to stop acting irreplaceable. And why did he race outta the room when Khloe pressed him on his STD history?
We totally hate him, right? If for no other reason than because he makes me sympathize with these vapid Kardashian Kuntz. How long are second marriages running these days? 9 months? I got $5 on 9 months in our theoretical office pool.
Rodger took Jeremiah to the 7,000 square foot rental that Zoe insisted on leasing in anticipation of the baby’s arrival. This decision makes no sense on a variety of levels. For one, why spend oodles on furniture for a rental? Second, what newborn needs 7,000 square feet? Don’t newborns basically inhabit one foot of space surrounding their mother or father for the first several months of their lives? Not to mention stylistically the house is totally unlike anything Rachel and Rodger have dwelled in previously. All these considerations notwithstanding, in typical Team Zoe fashion, Rodger gave Jeremiah a two week deadline to complete the daunting assignment. Jeremiah looked like he might pop a vessel when Rodger declared that completing the project on the super accelerated time line was his problem.
Rachel got a last minute call to style a shoot for Kim Kardashian. Realizing the enormity of the ass she needed to cover, Rachel called Joey and Jeremiah for an emergency meeting at Zoe headquarters. Joey received the call from dispatch and gave Jeremiah all of ten minutes to wipe the sleep out of his eyes and sculpt his Robert Pattinson ‘do before showing up at his door with an impatient toe tap. The two rushed over to Zoe’s office curious to learn of their latest assignment.
When they arrived, Zoe informed them that the world’s most overexposed and under-talented celebuwhore would require a minimum of two looks to shoot her perfume commercial the following day. The competitive bitchery started brewing between the queens as soon as the Kardashian assignment was handed down from above. 
They rushed off to Bismarck to collect every red gown and Brian Atwood shoe in the showroom. Once at BPCM, Joey and Jeremiah bickered over their approaches to pulling items for the shoot. Joey stuck with Rachel’s mantra of “more is more,” and Jeremiah thought it wiser to streamline the selections. 
After the pull, J+J called Zoe, and she informed them that only one could attend the shoot tomorrow. It was no surprise when she selected her favorite sycophantic gay Joey to attend in lieu of Jeremiah. She sure has a way a pitting her staff against one another. It’s no wonder she goes through employees like she does her Cosabella thongs.
The next day at the shoot, Zoe kissed Kardashian’s gargantuan money-maker before dressing her in two of the most uncreative looks ever. First, Zoe put together a clichéd men’s button-down with boy shorts and a lace bra ensemble. Even though this interpretation has been around as long as the white button-down, Rachel described the outfit as if it were a work of creative genius, and as if she had copyrighted that shit. 
Rachel dressed Kardashian in an equally uninspired look for the second round of photos. Joey greased Kim and slid her into a red stretch satin Dolce & Gabbana gown. The obvious selection read more sausage casing than sexy. 
A body-con red gown for Valentine’s Day? This bitch gets paid for this unoriginal shit? What a weak-ass lazy effort yo.