Kreepy Kendall KutoutKreepy Kim KutoutKreepy Kourtney Kutout

Last night E! closed out the holiday weekend with the premiere of Kim and Kourtney Take New York.  Many tuned in to see the demise of Kris and Kim’s short-lived marriage predictably unfold.  As expected, Kris behaved childishly, and narcissistic Kim remains completely self-involved.  None of this matters though because the only thing worth discussing was the anal leakage Kourtney left behind on the duvet after her Basti (Ayurvedic herbal oil enema).   Just to be clear, oil leaked out of Kourtney’s ass through her pants and onto Kris and Kim’s bed.  Ass oil spill ya’ll.   How do you compete with anal leakage?  Bravo aired a new episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.  First, we’re in agreement that Peter’s a bitch, right?  He was a bitch last week to Apollo and he was a bitch this week to Cynthia’s sister Mal.  Sheree was right, Peter’s serving bitchassnesss.  Again, none of this matters because the only thing worth discussing was Phaedra’s 35th birthday gift to Kandi in the form of Ridiculous, the stripper who performs self-head.  Like dude can straight suck his own dick.  After the performance, some guests (including Kandi’s Ma) acted deeply appalled at the auto-fellatio, but during the show not a single one of those riveted bitches turned away.

Rodger took Jeremiah to the 7,000 square foot rental that Zoe insisted on leasing in anticipation of the baby’s arrival.  This decision makes no sense on a variety of levels.  For one, why spend oodles on furniture for a rental?  Second, what newborn needs 7,000 square feet?  Don’t newborns basically inhabit one foot of space surrounding their mother or father for the first several months of their lives?  Not to mention stylistically the house is totally unlike anything Rachel and Rodger have dwelled in previously.  All these considerations notwithstanding, in typical Team Zoe fashion, Rodger gave Jeremiah a two week deadline to complete the daunting assignment.  Jeremiah looked like he might pop a vessel when Rodger declared that completing the project on the super accelerated time line was his problem.

Rachel got a last minute call to style a shoot for Kim Kardashian.  Realizing the enormity of the ass she needed to cover, Rachel called Joey and Jeremiah for an emergency meeting at Zoe headquarters.  Joey received the call from dispatch and gave Jeremiah all of ten minutes to wipe the sleep out of his eyes and sculpt his Robert Pattinson ‘do before showing up at his door with an impatient toe tap.  The two rushed over to Zoe’s office curious to learn of their latest assignment.When they arrived, Zoe informed them that the world’s most overexposed and under-talented celebuwhore would require a minimum of two looks to shoot her perfume commercial the following day.  The competitive bitchery started brewing between the queens as soon as the Kardashian assignment was handed down from above.  They rushed off to Bismarck to collect every red gown and Brian Atwood shoe in the showroom.  Once at BPCM, Joey and Jeremiah bickered over their approaches to pulling items for the shoot.  Joey stuck with Rachel’s mantra of “more is more,” and Jeremiah thought it wiser to streamline the selections.  After the pull, J+J called Zoe, and she informed them that only one could attend the shoot tomorrow.  It was no surprise when she selected her favorite sycophantic gay Joey to attend in lieu of Jeremiah.  She sure has a way a pitting her staff against one another.  It’s no wonder she goes through employees like she does her Cosabella thongs.

The next day at the shoot, Zoe kissed Kardashian’s gargantuan money-maker before dressing her in two of the most uncreative looks ever.  First, Zoe put together a clichéd men’s button-down with boy shorts and a lace bra ensemble.  Even though this interpretation has been around as long as the white button-down, Rachel described the outfit as if it were a work of creative genius, and as if she had copyrighted that shit.  Rachel dressed Kardashian in an equally uninspired look for the second round of photos.  Joey greased Kim and slid her into a red stretch satin Dolce & Gabbana gown.  The obvious selection read more sausage casing than sexy.  A body-con red gown for Valentine’s Day?  This bitch gets paid for this unoriginal shit?  What a weak-ass lazy effort yo.