Didja all catch the pineapple pussy-off on last night’s Kourtney & Kim Take Miami? In case you didn’t, Kim and Kourtney debated who had a sweeter smelling puss and decided to put their minges to the challenge of cultivating the freshest scent. To enhance their natural aroma, the girls drank pineapple juice like it was the new master cleanse. I wondered if this was just some krazy shit Kris thought up as a desperate ratings ploy, but no, this pineapple juice drinking is an actual thing people do on purpose to sweeten excretions. Who knows if the technique has actual merit? 
All you really want to know is who won the pussy stank-off, right? Guess who judged? Sister Khloe. Yeah, inhale that. Anyway, no surprise Kim’s world famous twat won against Kourtney’s all-natural baby maker.
This vadge-centric episode also included a very weird encounter with Khloe and Kegel balls. The first one dropped out easily, but the second got stuck – until Kourtney spanked it out of her. 
Is it me, or is everyone and her aunt pregnant right now? 
Enough with the Demi redux. 
Kourtney shamelessly used her pregnancy as a diversionary tactic. Don’t forget Uma’s change of life baby. 
Kreepy Kendall Kutout
Kreepy Kim Kutout
Kreepy Kourtney Kutout
Last night E! closed out the holiday weekend with the premiere of Kim and Kourtney Take New York. Many tuned in to see the demise of Kris and Kim’s short-lived marriage predictably unfold. As expected, Kris behaved childishly, and narcissistic Kim remains completely self-involved. None of this matters though because the only thing worth discussing was the anal leakage Kourtney left behind on the duvet after her Basti (Ayurvedic herbal oil enema). Just to be clear, oil leaked out of Kourtney’s ass through her pants and onto Kris and Kim’s bed. Ass oil spill ya’ll. 
How do you compete with anal leakage? Bravo aired a new episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. First, we’re in agreement that Peter’s a bitch, right? He was a bitch last week to Apollo and he was a bitch this week to Cynthia’s sister Mal. Sheree was right, Peter’s serving bitchassnesss. Again, none of this matters because the only thing worth discussing was Phaedra’s 35th birthday gift to Kandi in the form of Ridiculous, the stripper who performs self-head. Like dude can straight suck his own dick. After the performance, some guests (including Kandi’s Ma) acted deeply appalled at the auto-fellatio, but during the show not a single one of those riveted bitches turned away.
5) Cheating ruins a relationship forever. For a timely example, see Sammi and Ron from Jersey Shore. If you discover your significant other has a jump off, cut and run. Under no circumstances should you decimate your pride by going back for even one sesh of break-up sex. Don’t fucking tell me you love him, weak-ass bitch.
4) The following advice applies to all relationships. Look at what people do, not what they say. Tori Spelling failed to apply this rule. Dean talked a lot of love-at-first-sight woo to lure Tori. However, many believe his decision to leave his wife, son, and newly adopted daughter to opportunistically seize fame and exploit a dim-witted heiress of dwindling celebrity better reflects his true character. Now she’s surprised about relationship problems? Actions determine character. See also, Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian, and any of the hot-ass messes from Teen Mom.
3) Please don’t EVER film your fucky times. See Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Danielle Staub, and the OG of the celeb sex tape, Paris Hilton. While some consider this a catapult to notoriety, unless you are fucking someone noteworthy, you’ll only be famous to his friends for your “technique.”
2) Protect precious possessions from the vengeful. JWOWW and Tom, Ron and Sam, The Bad Girls Club – all these kids got their belongings trashed. Don’t be naïve. Lock your shit down before you start a war, and if you pick a fight, be prepared to finish it.
1) Marinating bad feelings in liquor intensifies rather than alleviates tension. See Bethenny, Ramona, Snooki, Austin Armacost, and Tami Roman from Basketball Wives for shameful examples of messy drinkers. Slurring, stumbling, puking, instigating bar fights, removing heels, hooking up with questionable fugsters, and showing your ass in public are all fucking dignity issues. Remember, there is nothing more repulsive than a sloppy-ass drunk.
