Tag Archives: Kourtney Kardashian

throw the baby shower out with the bath water

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN BABY SHOWERJust got back from a baby shower.  Said my Hellos.  I stayed 30 minutes because there was nothing for me at this party.  First, it was one of those invite the whole family type showers and I don’t have a kid or husband to reluctantly drag.  The mutual co-worker who was supposed to attend with me cancelled (ugh, 4th time in a row this bitch has bailed on concrete plans).  I showed up with my thick stack of Dr. Suess books elegantly wrapped.  I dropped the present off at the designated table occupied by several medium-sized gift bags.   I greeted the mom-to-be who was dressed in a tight, fuchsia, cotton, ruched tube dress.  She looked like a raspberry.  I told her as much, which in hindsight she may not have appreciated, but I love raspberries so I didn’t intend the comment pejoratively.  Dad-to-be and I chatted for awhile, but I noticed the side-eye of the older ladies when our conversation extended beyond 5 minutes of appropriate small talk.  Who is that predatory single woman circling the dad-in-waiting?  Please.  There are no secret yearnings.  Excuse the blatant bitchery, but if I wanted him I could have him a year ago when we first met and he was drooling all over himself.HOLLY MADISON BABY SHOWER

After I was done talking to the two guests of honor, I wandered around a little bit and introduced myself to a few other folks standing solo.  Nobody seemed very interested in small talk, and it’s not my strength anyway.  When in doubt, hit the buffet, right?  Well you already know that I refer to buffets at barffets and am never in the mood for a group feeding.  This spread was particularly bleak.  Two circular trays of Subway-style sandwiches of dubious origin and questionable content.  The fold-out tables lacked proper placards describing the menu.  Just down from the sandwich wheels where huge bowls of standard potato chips.  Why do people do this?  Put out enough potato chips to feed and army just to watch them soften into stale after the first hour.  Plate of pickles, ok, I get the nod to pregnancy cravings.   A couple of large bowls of mystery potato-salad glop remained untouched.  The beverage options included electric yellow “lemonade” and something that looked like soda.  Not a cupcake in sight.  Killing time with mindless eating would not be an option at this shindig.BABY BUMCAKES

The one activity provided for the children was butcher paper on the tables and crayons.  I made a doodle.  I met a couple kids.  I drank some neon lemonade.  Then I split.  There was nothing left for me.KROY KIM

To that end, if you want people to stay at your baby shower for more than the obligatory 30 minutes, consider the following:

1) With regard to length. 2 hours maximum.  This one was scheduled for a tedious 3.  I like the idea of a short and sweet 90 minutes.

2) Delicious food.  Lots of options.  Baked goods.  Simple non-dressed salads.  Fruit. Cheese. Crudites. Readily available sweets. Warm offerings.  Coffee. Tea. Iced Tea. Water.  I personally prefer an elegant seated brunch.JESSICA SIMPSON

3) Make introductions.  Reign in loners.  Ensure everyone feels included.WIZ AND AMBER

4) Create intimate seating arrangements to encourage eating, drinking, and conversation.EVEYLN LOZADA

5) Designate a separate (but within eyeshot/earshot of helicopter parents) fun space for the kids.MINNIE DRIVER

6) It’s fine if you aren’t into “baby games,” but do provide some sort of entertainment or fun.  Music. Dancing. Karaoke. Ice your own cupcake.  Whatever.  These activities start conversations and save people from dreaded awkward mingling.MINDY WEISS

7) Attentive hosting takes work, the preggo shouldn’t be hosting her own baby shower, but these two did it as a couple.  Designate a host devoted to socially lubricating the shower.  Mothers and mothers-in-law love this job.KRIS AND KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN

 

I thee dread: unholy kardashian/west union

An Italian Wedding is Formaggio. Forte di Belvedere o di San Giorgio Firenze

Neither of these fools are Italian, so besides their deep appreciation for pasta, what is the point of dragging everyone to Florence via Paris to wed at the Florentine equivalent of Fort Knox, the Forte di Belvedere o di San Giorgio Firenze?  It’s just so cliché, basta.  And the study-abroad capital Florence ain’t all that.  There are far more interesting places than fucking snoozy-ass Florence.

Fundamental IncompatibilityKIM K KORNROWS

Recent Kim Kardashian quote on racism:

To be honest, before I had North, I never really gave racism or discrimination a lot of thought. It is obviously a topic that Kanye is passionate about, but I guess it was easier for me to believe that it was someone else’s battle.

Classic Kanye West quote on racism:

George Bush doesn’t care about black people. GB DOESN'T CARE

Once a bold and critical voice in the race relations discourse, Kanye has become his own worst hypocritical self-penned stereotype by wedding a super privileged white girl who will never understand the painful experience of surviving as a minority.  In this one matrimonial gesture, Kanye can kiss his credibility in this conversation good-bye.  She will never understand what it means to be black and he will always resent her for it.  Sadly, North will pay the price of their relationship’s racial ambivalence. KIM KANYE NORTH WEST

Kardashian Bridal Fatigue

KIM AND KRIS HUMPHRIESWe just witnessed Kim’s marriage to Kris Humphries less than 3 years ago in a huge televised event.  Then we had to endure the inevitable unraveling of their showmance.  With the Vogue cover, we’ve already seen the 2014 version of the bride and groom.  I’m not excited about her dress.  I’m not excited about his dress.  I’m not invested.  We’ve walked this flower petaled aisle with you before Kim Kardashian and it always dead-ends at the alter.  Now the Kourtney and Scott wedding, that I would watch.KOURTNEY SCOTT MASON

 

Kanye Killed the Kardashians

KIM KANYE NORTHThe Kardashians are over.  You may feel like those over-saturated fame whores have already overstayed their welcome.  I agree.  This overness is different than justifiable Kardashian fatigue.  Sunday’s episode triggered the Kardashian kollapse and you can thank Kanye for the downfall. KOURTNEY AND KRISKanye’s unwillingness to allow North to be filmed for the show changes everything.  We know Kim from the inside out.  Literally.  She can’t give it all away and then decide to snatch it back and expect her voyeuristic fanbase to remain loyal.  We want to see Kim as a mother: changing the diapers, getting barfed on, all that delicious misery.  How can they expect to successfully film around Kim being a mom?  Withholding goes against the very Kardashian kore.  You simply can’t film a birthing episode without a baby.  They prep the nursery.  We see the ultrasound.  We admire Kim glammed at the hospital.  The baby is the big finish – the money shot.  Kim should know a little something about that. KIM AND KANYE KUWTKNothing can last forever.  The hypnotic Kardashian trance of hair and ass had to eventually lift like a cloud of mustard gas.  Unless Kylie and Jaden film a sex tape, I wonder how the family will fill the next several contractually obligated seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.  Either Kanye sacrifices his first born to the insatiable child-eating E! Gods or we can blissfully kiss the Kardashians goodbye. NORTH WEST

Pineapple Pussy

Didja all catch the pineapple pussy-off on last night’s Kourtney & Kim Take Miami?  In case you didn’t, Kim and Kourtney debated who had a sweeter smelling puss and decided to put their minges to the challenge of cultivating the freshest scent.  To enhance their natural aroma, the girls drank pineapple juice like it was the new master cleanse.  I wondered if this was just some krazy shit Kris thought up as a desperate ratings ploy, but no, this pineapple juice drinking is an actual thing people do on purpose to sweeten excretions.  Who knows if the technique has actual merit?  All you really want to know is who won the pussy stank-off, right?  Guess who judged?  Sister Khloe.  Yeah, inhale that.  Anyway, no surprise Kim’s world famous twat won against Kourtney’s all-natural baby maker.

This vadge-centric episode also included a very weird encounter with Khloe and Kegel balls.  The first one dropped out easily, but the second got stuck – until Kourtney spanked it out of her. 

a whole mess of pregnant bitches

Is it me, or is everyone and her aunt pregnant right now? 

Really with the covers?  Snooks I get, but Reese, really?  I know Lainey thinks this is a PR strategy executed by Reese’s team.  If it is a PR stunt, it’s a shitty, boring, pathetic one.  This is beneath you Witherspoon.

Enough with the Demi redux. 

I’m not offended by the pregnant nudity, I’m repulsed by that dead fish look in her eyes.  Smize bitch. Kourtney shamelessly used her pregnancy as a diversionary tactic.  Don’t forget Uma’s change of life baby. 

Kreepy Kardashian Kutouts

Kreepy Kendall KutoutKreepy Kim KutoutKreepy Kourtney Kutout

Leaky Ass & Self-Head

Last night E! closed out the holiday weekend with the premiere of Kim and Kourtney Take New York.  Many tuned in to see the demise of Kris and Kim’s short-lived marriage predictably unfold.  As expected, Kris behaved childishly, and narcissistic Kim remains completely self-involved.  None of this matters though because the only thing worth discussing was the anal leakage Kourtney left behind on the duvet after her Basti (Ayurvedic herbal oil enema).   Just to be clear, oil leaked out of Kourtney’s ass through her pants and onto Kris and Kim’s bed.  Ass oil spill ya’ll.   How do you compete with anal leakage?  Bravo aired a new episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.  First, we’re in agreement that Peter’s a bitch, right?  He was a bitch last week to Apollo and he was a bitch this week to Cynthia’s sister MalSheree was right, Peter’s serving bitchassnesss.  Again, none of this matters because the only thing worth discussing was Phaedra’s 35th birthday gift to Kandi in the form of Ridiculous, the stripper who performs self-head.  Like dude can straight suck his own dick.  After the performance, some guests (including Kandi’s Ma) acted deeply appalled at the auto-fellatio, but during the show not a single one of those riveted bitches turned away.

Top Five Relationship Lessons as Taught to us by Reality Television

5)      Cheating ruins a relationship forever.  For a timely example, see Sammi and Ron from Jersey Shore.  If you discover your significant other has a jump off, cut and run.  Under no circumstances should you decimate your pride by going back for even one sesh of break-up sex.  Don’t fucking tell me you love him, weak-ass bitch.4)      The following advice applies to all relationships.  Look at what people do, not what they sayTori Spelling failed to apply this rule.  Dean talked a lot of love-at-first-sight woo to lure Tori.  However, many believe his decision to leave his wife, son, and newly adopted daughter to opportunistically seize fame and exploit a dim-witted heiress of dwindling celebrity better reflects his true character.  Now she’s surprised about relationship problems?  Actions determine character.  See also, Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian, and any of the hot-ass messes from Teen Mom.3)      Please don’t EVER film your fucky times.  See Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Danielle Staub, and the OG of the celeb sex tape, Paris Hilton.  While some consider this a catapult to notoriety, unless you are fucking someone noteworthy, you’ll only be famous to his friends for your “technique.”2)      Protect precious possessions from the vengefulJWOWW and Tom, Ron and Sam, The Bad Girls Club – all these kids got their belongings trashed.  Don’t be naïve.  Lock your shit down before you start a war, and if you pick a fight, be prepared to finish it.1)      Marinating bad feelings in liquor intensifies rather than alleviates tension.  See Bethenny, Ramona, Snooki, Austin Armacost, and Tami Roman from Basketball Wives for shameful examples of messy drinkers.  Slurring, stumbling, puking, instigating bar fights, removing heels, hooking up with questionable fugsters, and showing your ass in public are all fucking dignity issues.  Remember, there is nothing more repulsive than a sloppy-ass drunk.

Smooches to all of you this Valentine’s DayMuah.